WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Says here you've been seeing some bright light lately- I'm going to prescribe some darker sunglasses."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's been said those at death's door see a bright light beckoning in the distance. Here, the doctor reflectively seeks to address the symptom while ignoring the cause. A bit cryptic, cynical and completely illogical [an Rx for darker sunglasses?], but this is a remarkably perceptive comment on assembly line health care.)
SECOND PLACE
Day 28,620. Still no reply from Lindbergh. Beginning to doubt plan.--Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Consistent with the twisted, mean-spirited humor that is the currency of Anti-Cappers. [That's why it gets 2nd Place--nice job, Austin!] But it is factually flawed and confusing. Tragically, the body of 20-month old "Baby Lindy" was found two months after the child's March 1, 1932 abduction. Also, according to a web site that figures such things, that's exactly 29,382 days ago. [or 80 years, five months and 11 days if you're scoring at home]. Mitigating factor: The Simpsons had a episode where Grandpa Abe tells Mr. Burns "All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby!" So maybe this cap is not as bogus as it seems.)
THIRD PLACE
"Well, it looks like we finished your treatments just in time...You are broke".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very impressive. This would work for the "real contest." It rises to the level of Anti-Cap if we assume the doctor also sold the casket to the patient just as he was running out of money and about to kick. Still, most doctors would say "it appears" instead of "it looks like," and "have completed," as opposed to "finished." That's just the way they talk.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Hang on a sec. I'm busy making stuff up about the President's head wound.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to JFK [back, and to the left, no doubt]. Or...it could be a reference to the time Obama had a gash that required 12 stitches. The "official" story was that he caught an elbow playing basketball, but right wingers note that the President has never conclusively proven he wasn't smoking crack at the time. Naturally, if the cap said "...stuff about the president GETTING head..." it would have been an obvious Big Dog reference.)
"Brought in by a deliriously happy punt coverage team. Found downed and just in bounds at the one-half yard line, right before a commercial break."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Did the ball do a slow wobbly roll or take one of those backward bounces? A long way to go to describe the coffin corner but, yes, it's that time of year. )
How about "My diagnosis was dead wrong." No, that sucks.....--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not if you're headline writer. And what if the patient died and the authorities suspected malpractice? And let's say the doc had a questionable history and his lawyer advised him to clam up. Here's the N.Y. Post headline: "Diagnosis Dead Wrong, Quack Ducks Stiff Questions.")
"Fucking 9-11 reenact ors."--doc
"Fucking Aurora Massacre reenactors."--Anonymous
And, of course,
"Fucking Sikh temple shooting reenactors."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Three caps apparently inspired by's last week's second place winner. Obviously no one reenacting a war or any other horror wishes to be among the victims, so let's once again assume these caps mock those who celebrate such things.)
"NOTE 14: The lower torso of Mr. Smith was never found after his tragic mountain climbing -- and falling -- expedition."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sort of makes sense and references a previous cap, but here's the thing: Kathy, a beloved if sporadic Anti Capper--decided for some reason to insert "and falling." This screws up the cap because it was not a "falling expedition." And if he fell, his torso would still be attached--or at least nearby. Also, while I still have you, is Mr. Smith really the best name you could come up with? How about Mr. Hanley?)
1) recheck the illustration in the Magic By Mail course book
2) practice alternate pronunciations of abracadabra.
3) hire new assistant--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, and make certain the new assistant is a diminutive and highly flexible woman who can lie flat on her back and bring her knees up to her chest in a confined space while pulling strings that make fake feet move. [Sorry if that spoils the trick for you J.B.]. )
2) practice alternate pronunciations of abracadabra.
3) hire new assistant--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, and make certain the new assistant is a diminutive and highly flexible woman who can lie flat on her back and bring her knees up to her chest in a confined space while pulling strings that make fake feet move. [Sorry if that spoils the trick for you J.B.]. )
Hummus
Pita Chips
Chicken
Basil
Waters
TP
Catfood - Dry
#4 Melitta filters
Hornsby's Cider
Eggs
Butter
Flax Seed Bread--Post Mortem Store Run (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A long-ass way of establishing two things: A doctor's reaction to losing a patient is like that of a bartender who broke a glass: "Opps! Well that sucks." This also confirms that high income earners mostly buy what we buy, plus crap they don't really need.]
Well, the embalmer did promise change.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Impressive twist on "Obama did promise change." )
"Well, Obama did promise change."--Floggin A. Dedhorse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is included in the hope that whoever submitted it is suitably shamed by the previous entry.)
"Dear Turn Your Head and Coffin Company, I just want to say I'm a big fan of your quality product..."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like the previous entry, this calls attention to the fact that coffin sounds like "coughin'. " Tim picked up on that and developed a narrative. As usual he gets an "A" for effort. )
"Christ, enjoy this asshole."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If he has atoned, his transgressions will become ass-holiness.)
foul-stiffy you crazy bastard how is hell without you?--Reachie Reach (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic pressed into service. The signature says it all. )
"Hmmm. What's this? 'Deceased's name: Mets Chances Of Getting Into Playoffs.'"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And since it won't hurt, go head, stick a folk in them--cause they're done like dinner.)
[Happy third anniversary, al]--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Caption-wise this is beyond awful. You have truly embarrassed yourself, Dex [if that's even your real fake name.] You should be ashamed. But I am touched that someone noticed that it was three years ago that I started doing this thing that I do. Frankly, it seems longer. Thanks again Dex, or what ever your name is.)
107 comments:
Died peacefully in his sleep ... Not screaming and yelling like the other passengers in his car! (an oldie)
About 6 quarts of formaldehyde should do the trick.
You can get this filled at the big pharmacy in the sky.
"Dear ACME Medical School and Mortician College,
Once again my duel major has paid dividends, I highly recommend your program for students who face discrimination from medical schools with academic standards. Feel free to use this testimonial in your marketing and remit payment as discussed.
Mr Fletcher's last words were ... 'Help I've Fallen ... And I Can't Get Up'!
"I am going to recommend you a specialist".
"Well, it looks like we finished your treatments just in time...You are broke".
"I could teach a monkey to do this; no a monkey might get too emotional".
Cause of death ... Loss of power ... Mr Fletcher's Iron Lung of 60 years ... 'Old Betsy', failed on August 5th!
"Yes Mr. Bond, I really do expect you to die."
"Paging Dr. Toolate...Dr. Always Toolate...
How about "My diagnosis was dead wrong." No, that sucks.....
"Fucking 9-11 reenactors."
Most importamt of all, get plenty of rest.
[Thinking...] "I'm so glad I had them take up that carpet. It makes it so much easier to wheel these stiffs around."
"I think you'd be great for our death panel."
I don't care how itchy they are, I will not scratch your balls for you.
"Dear Turn Your Head and Coffin Company, I just want to say I'm a big fan of your quality product..."
"NOTE 14: The lower torso of Mr. Smith was never found after his tragic mountain climbing -- and falling -- expedition."
"Hmmm. What's this? 'Deceased's name: Mets Chances Of Getting Into Playoffs.'"
In pursuit of your diagnosis, I shall leave no headstone unturned.
Another sawing in half experiment has failed.
1) recheck the illustration in the Magic By Mail course book
2) practice alternate pronunciations of abracadabra.
3) hire new assistant
Interesting! Aerie also means an eagle's nest.
Due to high rents in Manhattan, internist-ventriloquist Seymour Fischbaum keeps his dummy, Mr. Jabberwocky, nearby in a converted Weber® grill.
“I’m going to give you something to help with the stiffness.”
“Be sure to come back if you start feeling worse.”
"And you say you've been stiff for how many hours?"
Still Life: Tiny monkey on picture frame prepares to shit on dead guy"
"Says here you've been seeing some bright light lately- I'm going to prescribe some darker sunglasses."
"Take two aspirin and call me in the mourning."
After a long search the Romney campaign finds a running mate with less charisma than Mitt.
Jim Cavanaugh
After a long search the Romney campaign finds a running mate with less charisma than Mitt.
Jim Cavanaugh
And, of course,
"Fucking Sikh temple shooting reenactors."
Jim Cavanaugh
“So, Bob, being gay and all, this is probably the first time you’ve been in a box.”
[Happy third anniversary, al]
"Note to file: patient dies when you drain his blood."
How does one o'clock next Thursday work for your autopsy?
Circled the drain at 1:06 A.M..
"Necrophilia? I hardly even knew ya, but give me a chance."
Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
[Thinking...]
"Is he staring at me? I think he's staring at me!"
Passed away peacefully in his 1985 Yugo GV.
Dr Pepper. So misunderstood.
Looks like you're in ship shape for this year's "Bela Lugosi Memorial Soap Box Derby".
"You died trying to scratch your what?"
"Great. Last patient. Now I can retire."
"How does that go again? Oh, yes. Man, woman, birth, death, infinity!!"
"Regarding Dr. Daystrom - I have been through denial, anger, and bargaining. Now I'm really getting depressed."
"How do you know when you have so many patients that you stop caring?... When one dies and you can't remember ever treating them".
Jimmy Hoffa finally discovered in Jeffrey Dahmer's barbecue! ... 300 degrees for 4 hours. ... NCIS notified!
"I'm going to use your death to distort the impact of Obamacare. I am doing this because I am very rich and favor Rommey because he is actually a cold hearted scumbag who will cut my taxes and screw the working folks. And, yes, the only reason I admit this to you is because you are dead."
Well, the embalmer did promise change.
I told you that switch in the back of your head was terminal.
Physician, heal thyself.
[I actually survived falling off the Chrysler Building while scratching my balls. They wheeled me to the ambulance on a pudgurney.]
Hang on a sec. I'm busy making stuff up about the President's head wound.
"So what have we learned about choosing a doctor who doesn't even have a computer in his office?"
We will see who who does the better thinking: you, Hugo, inside the box, or, me, thinking outside.
"Dear Michael Crawford: I liked you better as The Phantom of the Opera."
"I saw something. I wonder if I should say something."
Johnny Carson in an E F Hutton Moment!
"That's right. We're both board certified. But, in your case, you're stiff as a board certified"
"Are you experiencing any side-effects from the Vioxx?"
Quit faking. You're not gonna get out of the prostate exam that easily.
"Well, Obama did promise change."
"Now you're just some patient that I used to know."
Milk - 2%
Hummus
Pita Chips
Chicken
Basil
Waters
TP
Catfood - Dry
#4 Melitta filters
Hornsby's Cider
Eggs
Butter
Flax Seed Bread
According to Mr Chong's Feng Shui wishes, there will be no mirrors facing the casket. However the mirrors on the tops of his shoes are permissible!
Sorry I'm late. What seems to be the problem?
I'm prescribing you a garlic and iron supplement, and stay out of direct sunlight. If this doesn't clear up on its own within a week, come back to the office for a follow up.
Cause of death, scrotal itch.
"I'm Dr. Kavorkian. What can I do for you today?"
According to porn star 'Buck Naked's wishes, only the lower half of the casket shall be open!
By now, Dr. Roberts was used to having his Facebook page hacked and a Photoshopped picture inserted there, much to his chagrin.
"Brought in by a deliriously happy punt coverage team. Found downed and just in bounds at the one-half yard line, right before a commercial break."
"Did I mention that while you were in intensive care I screwed your wife?"
“Hmm, looks like cancer of the sarcophagus.”
"Cause of death? "Waiting room"".
"Originally misdiagnosed by original Doctor, I followed procedure, Symptoms did not indicate severity, and there was a flood, locusts, “I HAD A FLAT TIRE"!
"Stay off your feet, and try to get some rest."
"My biggest concern is your coughin'."
"Hey this is cool. My handwriting is less illegible left-handed. Thanks for the tip, dead guy!"
"Well, Mr. Payton Manning should have retired when you had the chance".
I appreciate your dedication to craft, but Six Feet Under has been off the air for 8 years.
"Infidels. Don't they know that death is not the end?"
"I said 'call me in the MORNING," not "call me if they're mourning.' "
"Take these pills, and pray the resurrection lasts more than four hours."
Would like his gravestone to read ... 'SOYLENT GREENFIELD... AGE 30...EAT ME'
Day 28,620. Still no reply from Lindbergh. Beginning to doubt plan.
With your choice of Paul Ryan, Mitt, I can officially pronounce your campaign dead.
"I'm going to recommend cremation, of corpse."
Pore Jud is daid
Pore Jud Fry is daid
All gather round his coffin now and cry
He had a heart of gold
And he wasn't very old
Oh why did such a feller have to die?
"If you're white you get a coffin and the whole nine yards."
"If he only had something with more money in it for me".
"CAUSE OF DEATH: in blty of farm cyst to reed mv writng."
"We've been having embalmy weather lately, LOL."
other than that Mr. Hitchcock, how was the play?
Dr. West struggles with the paperwork to comply with Obamacare's new death panels.
“So . . . what are your symptoms? Other than the obvious . . .”
---blw
“So . . . Mr. Twist. I think we’ve resolved the issue of how you are going to ‘quit’ Ennis.”
"You're looking much better than last time. Death seems to agree with you."
---blw
"Dear Acme Collection Agency: Business is dead.
Jim Cavanaugh
Who could have imagined that when I removed that pecker from his woody, the patient would exsaguinate in seconds?
"My grandpappy had a car like that."
I give you a week to live. Ooop, no I declare this contest dead.
"So, do you want to go halfsies with me on the Powerball Lotto? Ummm. Oh, yeah, right. Well, more money for me, then."
"It says here you're a died in the wool Republican."
Too early. It's a two-week issue.
Post a Comment