Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bonus Anti-Cap






WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"The oars here are obscene. Oh fuck, where did my oars go?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For those just joining us, the classic cap to this cartoon is "The hours here are obscene."  In January 2003 it finished first in the real contest after it was submitted by Harry Effron, an occasional Anti-Capper. The "oars" variation is in keeping with the way this cap has poped-up here in Anti-Cap land over the years. The Anti-Capper knew this but added a completely incomprehensible twist and a dirty word. This is clearly the work of someone who knows what they're doing. )

SECOND PLACE 
"Yes, this is Daniel Radosh. And, yes, this is some sort of time warp."--Anonymouse(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Again, for those who just stumbled in, Radosh is the founder of the Anti-Caption contest. About three years ago he was hired away by John Stewart's Daily Show as a writer and has since earned Emmy's, free Starbucks and wide acclaim. No doubt there have been many offers to have sex and/or do drugs. When Daniel ditched the contest I, a long time participant [and occasional winner], moved it to my meager blog. I thought of it as a perverse public service and a chance to finally oversee some tiny spec of something as I continue to seek meaningful employment as a writer/editor.  The contest has been here for years now and I often wonder if Daniel ever thinks about us every now and again. )

THIRD PLACE
"I hate this clock. Why?- No second hand. Did I get it new?- No, secondhand."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We pay homage to this kind of pun here. Always have. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Yeah, I just ordered the large wall-mount pizza with thirteen toppings and one of those toppings is like fucking moving."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This offers a really stupid alternative theory to the assumption that it's a clock. The child-like creativity is notable, but wouldn't the cheese slide off?)


"The hours here are shit, piss, fuck cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A practical application of George Carlin's classic Seven Dirty words. I guess we could use five more.)




"Hard times baby, well they come to tell us all. 

Sure as the tickin' of the clock on the wall."--



Bruce S. 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Sure as the turnin' of the night into day... A few lines from Springsteen's  "Waitin' on a Sunny Day." Thanks for classing up the joint.)

"♫ Does anybody really know what time it is? ♫ "--
Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not the first time we've seen musical notes here but the first time we have a line from Chicago. They are one of those bands that simply refuse to go away. They are still out there touring with The Doobie Brothers. I guess they really don't know what time it is.)

"I got got got got no time."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well guess who provided us with a link? Kathy!)




Christ, what an #!@^%*$!!&?<>?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why so many characters? Why so little humor?)

"No, honey, I don't mind. I'll just stop off at MidgetMart on the way home."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well at least someone is trying! Dare to be vague.)

"Why am I so cranky and yelling?!? I got the ugliest picture of the ugliest family on the planet, someone stole my chrome name tag off my desk right out of its holder, my pc screen is smaller than most phone screens and to top it off some beast of a monster right out of the "voyage to the bottom of the sea" is growing in my garbage can!...? No, that is not it; my clock is telling me that every hour on the hour I am fucked"!
--
Anonymous 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Admit it: you have been friends with, slept with or worked with someone exactly like this. A long way to go to express profound unhappiness. The clock is not this person's  enemy. You can just hear the person on the other end saying, "Sorry,  I asked. " )

"First, I sketch the cartoon out traditionally with pencil and ink. Then, I carve that out, horizontally flipped, from a block. Then, I make a single print of it. I scan that print in, use that as the basis for carving yet another block, and send that block to China, where low-wage workers make a thousand blocks in the same style. The highest quality one of those is then sent back to me. I sketch it, carve another block, ink that, and print it onto a low-quality paper, which I xerox onto a fine-grade origami square. That is my process, dammit, and it takes &#@()*& time! "--
Dd 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: --  Actually it takes a keen wit and a pair of brass balls to pursue this line of work. The low-wage workers are those submitting their work when only one out of 25 get the nod. Somehow I doubt this was entered by the artist who uses Dd as his moniker. Nevertheless, this compelled me to look up the cartoonist's 411. Turns out his name is Drew Dernavich and he has a Fine Arts degree from The College of William and Mary.  He loves the Red Sox and has an understanding of cat behavior that boarders on creepy. I wrote him an email inviting him to check out our contest. I await his cease and desist letter.)

100 comments:

boneguy said...

Why rush home? Re-runs suck.

Don Jr. said...

"It cannot be done by that fucking time. It is the shit time of day now and screw you time is coming soon for you".

Damon said...

"When the judge asks for a reason, I'm going to say `novelty clock'."

REX said...

"The hours here are shit, piss, fuck cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits."

Man with the yellow hat said...

Omg it's half-passed the monkey's ass quarter to his balls!!

Carol Lou Ellen said...

You want me to fuck you in your dirty little cunt? I guess even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Anonymous said...

"The oars here are obscene. Oh fuck, where did my oars go?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps" said...

"The little hand is on the pound sign, the big hand is on the dollar sign, and the euro's demise is just a matter of time."

Anonymous said...

"where did you buy this fucked up clock?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"It's 1:30 now. Let's meet at 3."

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, man, not the hands - the whole clock is vibrating. I don't think the acid we took Sunday wore off."

Anonymous Coward said...

"I'll be right home to *& you."

JohnnyB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JohnnyB said...

Fusili, you crazy bastard, how are you?

JohnnyB said...

How about never? Is never good for you?

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what an #!@^%*$!!&?<>?

JohnnyB said...

I just jammed my fingers in the pencil sharpener!

JohnnyB said...

I said I have a huge CLOCK.

Tim H said...

"The times they are a-changin'."

Kathy H said...

"Umm. I gotta go. My meds just kicked in."

Anonymouse said...

"Who the hell are those people in that picture next to my clock?!"

boneguy said...

It's been rough since time went metric.

LR said...

"I hate this clock. Why?- No second hand. Did I get it new?- No, secondhand."

LR said...

"Working late here, I can't help but be reminded of the many expletives uttered near death, as I am haunted by the phrases of my victims."

Tim H said...

"Well, at least my clock has some character...s."

Bruce S. said...

"Hard times baby, well they come to tell us all.
Sure as the tickin' of the clock on the wall."

JohnnyB said...

My VCR keeps flashing "?" and my computer monitor keeps flashing "2005"

smuck said...

"No, honey, I don't mind. I'll just stop off at MidgetMart on the way home."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Time is money! I'll see you @ 7!"

Kathy H said...

"Hello, Stephen? Stephen Hawking? This is gonna knock you on your ass!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's on the way. He said he's going to clean my clock!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Nick! ... For once! ... Just be on time!"

Anonymouse said...

"Well, I was going to crunch some numbers, but my clock beat me to it."

Anonymous said...

"How am I suppose to know what time it is with this #!@^%*$!!&?<>? clock!!!"

Anonymous said...

"Yes, I got the framed photo of Uncle George with the two schoolgirls he sodomized."

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I just ordered the large wall-mount pizza with thirteen toppings and one of those toppings is like fucking moving."

Dex said...

"Well, we'll let Harry be the judge of that."

boneguy said...

Honey could you send over the lyrics to "Go Ask Alice"? I'm trying to piece together what the hell is going on.

Big Han said...

nice shooting Kid...Don't get clocky!

Anonymous said...

"Christ, I've got an ugly family."

Dr Sumguy said...

"That's what I said! ... My timepiece has been 'Coldclocked'!"

Anonymous said...

Apologies to JohnnyB. Didn't see your earlier "#!@^% etc."

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, no, no. Symbols stand for archetypes and the unknown, not for words like 'fuck.' Didn't you get anything out of reading Jung?"

Tim H said...

"WTF!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"That does it! ... Now ... Even the 'Crack of Dawn' isn't safe!"

Kathy H said...

"Sir, when I ordered a cuckoo clock, this is NOT what I had in mind."

Damon said...

"I'm back in the Battlezone, but I'm still on Q*Bert time. For lunch, wanna drive over to the office and get in on some Elevator Action?"

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, this is Daniel Radosh. And, yes, this is some sort of time warp."

Sue said...

"Rodney Allen Rippy's here. No way. That's awesome!"

Tim H said...

"...and the punchline is, 'Time to get a new clock!' Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Anonymous said...

"The world has gone materialistic".

Kathy H said...

"It was all a numbers game, and the numbers lost."

David Macharelli said...

I'll be home sometime after go fuck yourself.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Suddenly it jumped to 'Zulu (Nation) Time'! ... Tell that fucking hip hopping 'Afrika Bambaata', to stay in his own dimension!"

boneguy said...

This time, it will be different.

Anonymous said...

"Cancel my !. Have them come in at @."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I think it's a 'Time Warp' from 'The Rocky Horror Show'!"

Anonymous said...

"Gotta go! The snake plant is trying to have sex with my computer."

boneguy said...

Hold on. My waste paper basket is trying to say something.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'd say II:XXXV, 'Roman Aqueduct Time'!"

NAMBY said...

"Frankly? The upside down question mark didn't test well with some of our more 'traditional' consumers. They felt it was a bit too 'ethnic.' So..."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And ... According to the 'Gregorian Calendar' ... It's 'FUBAR' time!"

Anonymous said...

"....so now she's getting mad as hell, so he screws a little more then gets up to leave and she says, HEY! YOU'RE SCREWING JUST LIKE A CHINAMAN!!!"

Dd said...

"First, I sketch the cartoon out traditionally with pencil and ink. Then, I carve that out, horizontally flipped, from a block. Then, I make a single print of it. I scan that print in, use that as the basis for carving yet another block, and send that block to China, where low-wage workers make a thousand blocks in the same style. The highest quality one of those is then sent back to me. I sketch it, carve another block, ink that, and print it onto a low-quality paper, which I xerox onto a fine-grade origami square. That is my process, dammit, and it takes &#@()*& time!"

Anonymouse said...

"I come from a long line of clock-watchers, but I'll be damned if I've ever seen anything like this."

Kathy H said...

"I bet this is the work of those Pussy Riot gals!"

Tim H said...

"Silver lining: I never learned how to tell time."

Anonymous said...

"Why am I so cranky and yelling?!? I got the ugliest picture of the ugliest family on the planet, someone stole my chrome name tag off my desk right out of its holder, my pc screen is smaller than most phone screens and to top it off some beast of a monster right out of the "voyage to the bottom of the sea" is growing in my garbage can!...? No, that is not it; my clock is telling me that every hour on the hour I am fucked"!

Eric G said...

It's about fucking time you called!

X. Clamation, Mark said...

"Of course I'll be there on time. I'm nothing if not punctuated."

Dr Sumguy said...

"The 'Elevator Indicator' has gone haywire again!"

REX said...

"Well I have your email in front of me and it definitely says 'clock.' 'I want you to get freaky with my clock.' I swear, that's exactly want it says."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Not only are the numbers all screwed up, the ticking has been replaced by a coughing sound, like a barking dog!"

Anonymous said...

"They gave me this stupid clock for being the keyboard speaker."

Archimedes said...

"@ . # ^ # % & ! * % @ % !! & $ & @ ! @ !! ^ * ! * ^ @ @ !! @ ! $ & % ..."

Anonymouse said...

"I don't know when to go home."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Guy who had this office and came in and killed those people with his AR-15...yeah, it was his clock. I'm going to put in on eBay."

Satireguy said...

"Well it's # after $ now, why don't we meet at <> to !!?"

Satireguy said...

"I wish I hadn't taken those shrooms. Now I can't read my clock and my fingers have turned into needles."

Kathy H said...

"I got got got got no time."

Damon said...

"My boss says it's a `bonus'. But I say that it's not a bonus just because you call it one..."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...


"Holy shit! Where did the time go?"

Shelly said...

"I've discovered an intrinsic error in the ancient prophecy- the world's actually due to end August !@, %$#? at & p.m.!"

"Don't worry, our firm charges only symbol interest."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I can't help with your arithmetic homework... Because I never learned numbers, only glyphs."

Anonymous said...


"Large, everything on it, big and little hand tossed, and no numbers. Address? The big building on Central. Penultimate floor. Suite B. How long? Fuck, I said no numbers you idiot. Anyway, make it snappy."

Anonymous said...

"Nobody knows the time on my watch!"

Shelly said...

"♫ Does anybody really know what time it is? ♫ "

Anonymous said...

"My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot, Anita Ekberg, Sophia Loren."

Anonymous said...


"Sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number."

Anonymous said...

"A no such thing as time clock"?

Angus Podgorny said...

Let this be a message to those of you who complain that Al takes too long with the judging. Go ahead and watch the clock all you want.

Satireguy said...

"I'm getting really tired of his holier-than-thou schtick."

F. Zakaria said...

"Yeah. I agree with Satireguy in the Bonus Anti-Cap Contest: 'I'm getting really tired of his holier-than-thou schtick.'"

F. Zakaria said...

["...oopsie. The last comment was meant for Contest No. 346."]

Anonymous said...

"I don't care how much fucking time it takes, get the shit done".

Dr Sumguy said...

"My II's are glued to the clock!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"My 'I's are glued to the clock!"

Tim H said...

"It's time to make the doughnuts...I think."

mF said...

Closed contest

Michelle said...

"Yeah. I agree with Satireguy in the Bonus Anti-Cap Contest: 'I'm getting really tired of his holier-than-thou schtick.'"

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.