Sunday, August 5, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #345




WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Says here you've been seeing some bright light lately- I'm going to prescribe some darker sunglasses."--Shelly  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:   It's been said those at death's door see a bright light beckoning in the distance. Here, the doctor reflectively seeks to address the symptom while ignoring the cause. A bit cryptic, cynical and completely illogical [an Rx for darker sunglasses?], but this is a remarkably perceptive comment on assembly line health care.)

SECOND PLACE 
Day 28,620. Still no reply from Lindbergh. Beginning to doubt plan.--Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Consistent with the twisted, mean-spirited humor that is the currency of  Anti-Cappers.  [That's why it gets 2nd Place--nice job, Austin!] But it is factually flawed and confusing. Tragically, the body of  20-month old "Baby Lindy" was found two months after the child's March 1, 1932 abduction. Also, according to a web site that figures such things, that's exactly 29,382 days ago. [or 80 years, five months and 11 days if you're scoring at home]. Mitigating factor: The Simpsons had a episode where Grandpa Abe tells Mr. Burns  "All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby!" So maybe this cap is not as bogus as it seems.)

THIRD PLACE
"Well, it looks like we finished your treatments just in time...You are broke".--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Very impressive. This would work for the "real contest." It rises to the level of  Anti-Cap if we assume the doctor also sold the casket to the patient just as he was running out of money and about to kick. Still, most doctors would say "it appears" instead of  "it looks like,"  and  "have completed," as opposed to "finished."  That's just the way they talk.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Hang on a sec. I'm busy making stuff up about the President's head wound.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to JFK [back, and to the left, no doubt].  Or...it could be a reference to the time Obama had a gash that required 12 stitches. The "official" story was that he caught an elbow playing basketball, but right wingers note that the President has never conclusively proven he wasn't smoking crack at the time. Naturally, if the cap said "...stuff about the president GETTING head..." it would have been an obvious Big Dog reference.)

"Brought in by a deliriously happy punt coverage team. Found downed and just in bounds at the one-half yard line, right before a commercial break."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Did the ball do a slow wobbly roll or take one of those backward bounces? A long way to go to describe the coffin corner but, yes, it's that time of year. )

How about "My diagnosis was dead wrong." No, that sucks.....--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not if you're  headline writer. And what if the patient died and the authorities suspected malpractice? And let's say the doc had a questionable history and his lawyer advised him to clam up. Here's the N.Y. Post headline: "Diagnosis Dead Wrong, Quack Ducks Stiff Questions.")

"Fucking 9-11 reenact ors."--doc

"Fucking Aurora Massacre reenactors."--Anonymous

And, of course,
"Fucking Sikh temple shooting reenactors."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Three caps apparently inspired by's last week's second place winner.  Obviously no one reenacting a war or any other horror wishes to be among the victims, so let's once again assume these caps mock those who celebrate such things.)

"NOTE 14: The lower torso of Mr. Smith was never found after his tragic mountain climbing -- and falling -- expedition."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sort of makes sense and references a previous cap, but here's the thing: Kathy, a beloved if sporadic Anti Capper--decided for some reason to insert "and falling."  This screws up the cap because it was not a "falling expedition."  And if he fell, his torso would still be attached--or at least nearby. Also, while I still have you, is Mr. Smith really the best name you could come up with? How about Mr. Hanley?)

Another sawing in half experiment has failed.
1) recheck the illustration in the Magic By Mail course book
2) practice alternate pronunciations of abracadabra.
3) hire new assistant--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, and make certain the new assistant is a diminutive and highly flexible woman who can lie  flat on her back and bring her knees up to her chest in a confined space while pulling strings that make fake feet move. [Sorry if that spoils the trick for you J.B.]. )

Milk - 2%
Hummus
Pita Chips
Chicken
Basil
Waters
TP
Catfood - Dry
#4 Melitta filters
Hornsby's Cider
Eggs
Butter
Flax Seed Bread--Post Mortem Store Run (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A long-ass way of establishing two things:  A doctor's reaction to losing a patient is like that of a bartender who broke a glass: "Opps! Well that sucks." This also confirms that high income earners mostly buy what we buy, plus crap they don't really need.]

"Take two aspirin and call me in the mourning."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Sometimes the most obvious pun is nothing more than the most obvious pun.)


Well, the embalmer did promise change.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Impressive twist on "Obama did promise change." )

"Well, Obama did promise change."--Floggin A. Dedhorse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is included in the hope that whoever submitted it is suitably shamed by the previous entry.)

"My biggest concern is your coughin'."--smuck  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Too awful to ignore. But once again my praise is faint.)

"Dear Turn Your Head and Coffin Company, I just want to say I'm a big fan of your quality product..."--Tim H  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like the previous entry, this calls attention to the fact that coffin sounds like "coughin'. "  Tim picked up on that and developed a narrative. As usual he gets an "A" for effort.  )

"Christ, enjoy this asshole."--Damon  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If he has atoned, his transgressions will become ass-holiness.)

foul-stiffy you crazy bastard how is hell without you?--Reachie Reach (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic pressed into service. The signature says it all. )


"Hmmm. What's this? 'Deceased's name: Mets Chances Of Getting Into Playoffs.'"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  And since it won't hurt, go head, stick a folk in them--cause they're done like dinner.)

“So, Bob, being gay and all, this is probably the first time you’ve been in a box.”

[Happy third anniversary, al]--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Caption-wise this is beyond awful. You have truly embarrassed yourself, Dex  [if that's even your real fake name.] You should be ashamed. But I am touched that someone noticed that it was three years ago that I started doing this thing that I do. Frankly, it seems longer. Thanks again Dex, or what ever your name is.)




113 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

Died peacefully in his sleep ... Not screaming and yelling like the other passengers in his car! (an oldie)

boneguy said...

About 6 quarts of formaldehyde should do the trick.

boneguy said...

You can get this filled at the big pharmacy in the sky.

REX said...

"Dear ACME Medical School and Mortician College,

Once again my duel major has paid dividends, I highly recommend your program for students who face discrimination from medical schools with academic standards. Feel free to use this testimonial in your marketing and remit payment as discussed.

Dr Sumguy said...

Mr Fletcher's last words were ... 'Help I've Fallen ... And I Can't Get Up'!

Don Jr. said...

"I am going to recommend you a specialist".

Anonymous said...

"Well, it looks like we finished your treatments just in time...You are broke".

Anonymous said...

"I could teach a monkey to do this; no a monkey might get too emotional".

Dr Sumguy said...

Cause of death ... Loss of power ... Mr Fletcher's Iron Lung of 60 years ... 'Old Betsy', failed on August 5th!

Jess said...

"Yes Mr. Bond, I really do expect you to die."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Paging Dr. Toolate...Dr. Always Toolate...

Anonymous said...

How about "My diagnosis was dead wrong." No, that sucks.....

mel said...

"Ha ha! Fuck you. I still get paid!"

doc said...

"Fucking 9-11 reenactors."

boneguy said...

Most importamt of all, get plenty of rest.

Anonymouse said...

[Thinking...] "I'm so glad I had them take up that carpet. It makes it so much easier to wheel these stiffs around."

Shelly said...

"I think you'd be great for our death panel."

Anonymous said...

I don't care how itchy they are, I will not scratch your balls for you.

Tim H said...

"Dear Turn Your Head and Coffin Company, I just want to say I'm a big fan of your quality product..."

Kathy H said...

"NOTE 14: The lower torso of Mr. Smith was never found after his tragic mountain climbing -- and falling -- expedition."

Anonymouse said...

"Hmmm. What's this? 'Deceased's name: Mets Chances Of Getting Into Playoffs.'"

Anonymous said...

In pursuit of your diagnosis, I shall leave no headstone unturned.

JohnnyB said...

Another sawing in half experiment has failed.
1) recheck the illustration in the Magic By Mail course book
2) practice alternate pronunciations of abracadabra.
3) hire new assistant

JohnnyB said...

Interesting! Aerie also means an eagle's nest.

Tim H said...

Due to high rents in Manhattan, internist-ventriloquist Seymour Fischbaum keeps his dummy, Mr. Jabberwocky, nearby in a converted Weber® grill.

Richard H said...

“I’m going to give you something to help with the stiffness.”

Richard H said...

“Be sure to come back if you start feeling worse.”

mel said...

"And you say you've been stiff for how many hours?"

Charlotte said...

Still Life: Tiny monkey on picture frame prepares to shit on dead guy"

Shelly said...

"Says here you've been seeing some bright light lately- I'm going to prescribe some darker sunglasses."

Anonymous said...

"Take two aspirin and call me in the mourning."

Anonymous said...

After a long search the Romney campaign finds a running mate with less charisma than Mitt.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

After a long search the Romney campaign finds a running mate with less charisma than Mitt.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Aurora Massacre reenactors."

Anonymous said...

And, of course,

"Fucking Sikh temple shooting reenactors."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dex said...

“So, Bob, being gay and all, this is probably the first time you’ve been in a box.”

[Happy third anniversary, al]

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Note to file: patient dies when you drain his blood."

Damon said...

"Christ, enjoy this asshole."

boneguy said...

How does one o'clock next Thursday work for your autopsy?

Reachie Reach said...

foul-stiffy you crazy bastard how is hell without you?

Dr Sumguy said...

Circled the drain at 1:06 A.M..

LR said...

"Necrophilia? I hardly even knew ya, but give me a chance."

Kathy H said...

Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Anonymouse said...

[Thinking...]
"Is he staring at me? I think he's staring at me!"

Dr Sumguy said...

Passed away peacefully in his 1985 Yugo GV.

Tim H said...

Dr Pepper. So misunderstood.

boneguy said...

Looks like you're in ship shape for this year's "Bela Lugosi Memorial Soap Box Derby".

Anonymous said...

"You died trying to scratch your what?"

Kathy H said...

"Great. Last patient. Now I can retire."

Anonymouse said...

"How does that go again? Oh, yes. Man, woman, birth, death, infinity!!"

Anonymous said...

"Regarding Dr. Daystrom - I have been through denial, anger, and bargaining. Now I'm really getting depressed."

Anonymous said...

"How do you know when you have so many patients that you stop caring?... When one dies and you can't remember ever treating them".

Dr Sumguy said...

Jimmy Hoffa finally discovered in Jeffrey Dahmer's barbecue! ... 300 degrees for 4 hours. ... NCIS notified!

Jess said...

"I'm going to use your death to distort the impact of Obamacare. I am doing this because I am very rich and favor Rommey because he is actually a cold hearted scumbag who will cut my taxes and screw the working folks. And, yes, the only reason I admit this to you is because you are dead."

Angus Podgorny said...

Well, the embalmer did promise change.

Angus Podgorny said...

I told you that switch in the back of your head was terminal.

Angus Podgorny said...

Physician, heal thyself.

Angus Podgorny said...

[I actually survived falling off the Chrysler Building while scratching my balls. They wheeled me to the ambulance on a pudgurney.]

boneguy said...

Hang on a sec. I'm busy making stuff up about the President's head wound.

Anonymous said...

"So what have we learned about choosing a doctor who doesn't even have a computer in his office?"

JohnnyB said...

We will see who who does the better thinking: you, Hugo, inside the box, or, me, thinking outside.

Kathy H said...

"Dear Michael Crawford: I liked you better as The Phantom of the Opera."

Tim H said...

"I saw something. I wonder if I should say something."

Dr Sumguy said...

Johnny Carson in an E F Hutton Moment!

Kathy H said...

"That's right. We're both board certified. But, in your case, you're stiff as a board certified"

smuck said...

"Are you experiencing any side-effects from the Vioxx?"

Angus Podgorny said...

Quit faking. You're not gonna get out of the prostate exam that easily.

Floggin A. Dedhorse said...

"Well, Obama did promise change."

Gotye Covered said...

"Now you're just some patient that I used to know."

Post Mortem Store Run said...

Milk - 2%
Hummus
Pita Chips
Chicken
Basil
Waters
TP
Catfood - Dry
#4 Melitta filters
Hornsby's Cider
Eggs
Butter
Flax Seed Bread

Dr Sumguy said...

According to Mr Chong's Feng Shui wishes, there will be no mirrors facing the casket. However the mirrors on the tops of his shoes are permissible!

Austin said...

Sorry I'm late. What seems to be the problem?

Austin said...

I'm prescribing you a garlic and iron supplement, and stay out of direct sunlight. If this doesn't clear up on its own within a week, come back to the office for a follow up.

Austin said...

Cause of death, scrotal itch.

boneguy said...

"I'm Dr. Kavorkian. What can I do for you today?"

Dr Sumguy said...

According to porn star 'Buck Naked's wishes, only the lower half of the casket shall be open!

Anonymouse said...

By now, Dr. Roberts was used to having his Facebook page hacked and a Photoshopped picture inserted there, much to his chagrin.

NJ-to-TX said...

"Brought in by a deliriously happy punt coverage team. Found downed and just in bounds at the one-half yard line, right before a commercial break."

mel said...

"Did I mention that while you were in intensive care I screwed your wife?"

Dex said...

“Hmm, looks like cancer of the sarcophagus.”

Anonymous said...

"Cause of death? "Waiting room"".

Anonymous said...

"Originally misdiagnosed by original Doctor, I followed procedure, Symptoms did not indicate severity, and there was a flood, locusts, “I HAD A FLAT TIRE"!

NJ-to-TX said...

"I turned and saw myself lying in a casket. I seem to be in medical garb. Is this the afterlife? Shit."

Anonymous Coward said...

"Stay off your feet, and try to get some rest."

smuck said...

"My biggest concern is your coughin'."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Hey this is cool. My handwriting is less illegible left-handed. Thanks for the tip, dead guy!"

Anonymous said...

"Well, Mr. Payton Manning should have retired when you had the chance".

boneguy said...

I appreciate your dedication to craft, but Six Feet Under has been off the air for 8 years.

NJ-to-TX said...

"Infidels. Don't they know that death is not the end?"

Jess said...

"I said 'call me in the MORNING," not "call me if they're mourning.' "

Anonymous said...

"Take these pills, and pray the resurrection lasts more than four hours."

Dr Sumguy said...

Would like his gravestone to read ... 'SOYLENT GREENFIELD... AGE 30...EAT ME'

Austin said...

Day 28,620. Still no reply from Lindbergh. Beginning to doubt plan.

boneguy said...

With your choice of Paul Ryan, Mitt, I can officially pronounce your campaign dead.

Mort Ishun said...

"I'm going to recommend cremation, of corpse."

Kathy H said...

Pore Jud is daid
Pore Jud Fry is daid
All gather round his coffin now and cry
He had a heart of gold
And he wasn't very old
Oh why did such a feller have to die?

Anonymous said...

"If you're white you get a coffin and the whole nine yards."

Anonymous said...

"If he only had something with more money in it for me".

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"CAUSE OF DEATH: in blty of farm cyst to reed mv writng."

Anonymous said...

"We've been having embalmy weather lately, LOL."

Ford T. Boothe said...

other than that Mr. Hitchcock, how was the play?

ItaloHouse said...

"Ah fuck it, I'll just say it was lupus."

Satireguy said...

Dr. West struggles with the paperwork to comply with Obamacare's new death panels.

Anonymous said...

“So . . . what are your symptoms? Other than the obvious . . .”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“So . . . Mr. Twist. I think we’ve resolved the issue of how you are going to ‘quit’ Ennis.”

Anonymous said...

"You're looking much better than last time. Death seems to agree with you."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Dear Acme Collection Agency: Business is dead.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Who could have imagined that when I removed that pecker from his woody, the patient would exsaguinate in seconds?

Anonymous said...

"My grandpappy had a car like that."

JohnnyB said...

I give you a week to live. Ooop, no I declare this contest dead.

Anonymouse said...

"So, do you want to go halfsies with me on the Powerball Lotto? Ummm. Oh, yeah, right. Well, more money for me, then."

Anonymous said...

"It says here you're a died in the wool Republican."

Satireguy said...

Too early. It's a two-week issue.

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.