Peanuts cartoon from May 24th, in 1971

Happy Birthday Bob Dylan

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #382

NOTE: Much the way schools and post offices are closed -- and alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended -- on holidays celebrating the greatness of great persons, I hereby suspend the Anti-Caption contest on this day, May 24th, the 72nd birthday of the man who gave us these lines:

He saw an animal leaving a muddy trail
Real dirty face and a curly trail
He wasn't too small and he wasn't too big
"Ah, think I'll call it a pig"

Happy Birthday and God bless you Bobby D. I know you often enter this contest under the alias JohnnyB, and that's alright me, ma. --al in la 

NOTE:  Thank you for your patience and compliance. After careful consultation, the authorities have decreed that it is now appropriate to resume participating in the state-approved form of entertainment know as "The Anti-Caption Contest." Please continue listening  to the music of Mr. Dylan and honoring his greatness. That is all. 

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #381

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"I'm Sir Edmund Hillary's nanny ... And you?--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled statement about the toils of child care that's imaginative but only slightly amusing. Sir Edmund Hillary, – or “Eddie Hill” as his boyhood friends no doubt called him – is said to be the first human to reach the summit of Mt. Everest. This suggests he brought his kids in a manner befitting his wealth and privilege. Kind of ironic that a guy with “hill” in his name was a mountain climber. Like a guy named “Bell” inventing the phone, or a guy named “Al” living in Albania, Alabama, Albuquerque or, if you're dyslexic, L.A.)

SECOND PLACE

"Careful, I got this lot by playing with balls."--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure we get it. Here's a helpful foreplay tip: A gentle little stroke or two with perfectly manicured cheery red fingernails? Sure. [French tips are also acceptable.] But don't actually play with them. Guys don't like that.)

THIRD PLACE

"Sure, I can spare an extra diaper."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The guy rolling the rock up the hill does appear to be wearing Pampers. Go figure. This doesn't need the word “extra.” If they're used, trust me you don't want them.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Is this the way to the snowman building contest?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whimsical but illogical. If it was cold enough to maintain the structural integrity of a snowball, the guy is in his underwear would be freezing his balls off. Did you need me to tell you that?)

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #380

  

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"None with dicks in the last batch, either. Fuck!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Crude yet insightful. Calls attention to the lameness of this cartoon and the dubious nature of the whole Noah's Ark concept. Finding a male and female for every species on earth would be a major challenge. Safe to say giraffe genitalia would be more easily recognizable than, say, that of a flea. But the point of this cap is well taken. )

SECOND PLACE

"We're gonna make an unscheduled stop in Great Neck."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Simplistic but clever in a regional sort of way. Great Neck is neighborhood on the north shore of Long Island. It is near the L.I. Sound so an ark carrying giraffes could conceivably stop there.)

THIRD PLACE

The Bush Library called. They want to change their order to 27 ostriches .--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A pointed political statement that plays into the wide-spread disgust many of us have for Bush. I'm fine with ostriches, but weasels, pigs, snakes or rats would have also been acceptable.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no way to verify the accuracy of this, but it advances a running joke. So be it. )

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #379

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Yeah, I swallow."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled reference to oral sex made more biting – so to speak – by the presence of what appears to be two women. The spit-versus-swallow debate has raged since the time of the cavemen. Further proof that distasteful caps rule the roost here. )

SECOND PLACE

"Oh, we'll have our critics, but, frankly, two ugly white chicks building a nest atop a black man's schwanzstucker is neither desperate nor racist"--desperate, racist girl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very imaginative. Good use of the what I assume is the German word for cock. The tree limb does resemble the business end of a well-endowed black man. And building a nest on his bad boy is not racist, but frankly it does seem a bit desperate.)

THIRD PLACE

"It's been five years since he said he was migrating out for a pack of smokes."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Five years is a bit extreme. But let's all agree he's not coming back.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Lesbian love nest? More like lesbian dysfunctional relationship nest. Bitch."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clearly they have issues but you just know they are going to strip down to bra and panties and make out. Sorry, that's just the way guys think. )

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #378

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

'And so the bunny says to the bartender ... "Would you get this guy off my ass" ... HARR ... HARR ... HARR !--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if the bunny's owner brought him to a salon so they could both get waxed for bikini season, he might say “Get the hair off my ass...and get this ass off  my hare!” Also that IS the way pirates laugh. )

SECOND PLACE

"Look, I invented toilet paper!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There's no arguing the logic but the visual I could live without. I guess we can safely assume the porcupine was a non-starter.)

THIRD PLACE

"Dinner's on me."--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And it will probably taste just like chicken. This is also something you say to break the tension when you spill food on yourself. Don't ask me how I know that.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"The sea is lonely, and...Hare, she blows."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a string of puns as deep as a mud puddle. This is the best because it implies a lonely sailor has found a rabbit that knows how to play ball.)