al in la

Monday, November 24, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #453



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WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"As a toreador, are you more a fan of Aaron Spelling or do you adore Tori?"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The courage it must have taken to post this. Actually it was among a batch of three caps lauched with one thunderous entry. Let me once again point out that entries with multiple caps are seldom worthwhile. Luckily the pratice has been on the wane. The word play here is either from someone trying to be obnoxious or clever. Hard to say. A narcarist with delustionary tendencies, most likely. As for the question poised: Why does it have to be an either/or type of thing?)

SECOND PLACE
I'll guarantee you the one eliminated ISN'T getting interviewed on TV tomorrow.--gfwrite (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bizzaro world DWTS that hints at bestiality but concludes with one of the dancers being slaughtered. A death by mambo type of thing. Sounds good! [Fox are you listening?] But who is doing the talking? When the dance is over, wouldn't it be awkward to have a person, or even worse a bull, put down on national TV? Asks more questions than it answers but the effort is there. )

THIRD PLACE

"I'll steer."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A painful pun from a reliable yet temperamental anti-capper. It took an eerie turn 11 hours later when the next cap, posted by every one's favorite anti-capper, Anonymous, said "Jew follow." As in "I'll steer, Jew follow." Funny, no? The part two is a bit more edgy, but was it over the line? Whether NJ-to-TX will take umbrage remains to be seen. Stay tuned.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Pasodoble, you crazy bastard, how are you?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who know what? I have no idea what Pasodole means and I don't care. If it is good enough for Johonny B...)

"The Horas here are obscene."
-- Pi Ling Ahn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If it is good enough for Pi... )

I, too, was disappointed with your honoring of the anti-Semitic caption for the pigs-at-the-trough cartoon and your subsequent failure to apologize. Sometimes it's best to say "I made a mistake" and move on. -- Satire guy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is touching to know your judge is revered by anti-cappers as a trusted and benevolent man of good faith and cheer to all, no matter their race creed or sexual shenanigans. Sure. Noted. But it's been said that Jews only love free speech because it's free. Mazel tov and  l'chaim, my sensitive friend.)


"It's good there aren't any Camel Jockeys, Frogs, Oreos, Uncle Toms, Kykes, Spics, Guidos, Squaws, Nips, Degos, Coons, Krauts, Redskins, Chinks, or Towelheads here to see this. Wait...did I say Spics?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes...You did. But you also screwed the pooch. The original classic anti-cap line is, “It's a good thing there are no black people around to see this.” Far from being racist, it is a commentary on how blacks are rarely seen in NYer cartoons. It suggests that the image is so lame it's a good thing it's not being inflicted on the very group being systematically excluded. But since the anti-cap unleashed all those naughty words it is being “honored” here. The blow back be damned.)

Monday, November 17, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #452






WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Your husband certainly is well hung."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works on a few levels. It would take a high level of skill to successful hang the guy like that. But the subtext here, of course, is that if he has a big dick what does she have to complain about—marriage-problem-wise? )
SECOND PLACE
"Oh nothing...I was just looking at the door knobs..knob."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Only because there are no door knockers to oodle, we presume. This is one of those so-bad-it's-good caps we're all grown so found of .)
THIRD PLACE
Someone is attempting to communicate with you through a tesseract, a five dimensional hyper-cube built inside a black hole designed to save the human race. That would explain the local gravitational anomalies, at least.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The woman's likely response: “This is some bull shit. I ain't payin' for this.” You gotta like the effort here, even if the science is a bit pedestrian.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"He said he thought the name of the group was just Occupy Wall. He didn't hear the Street part."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Really? Okay, Tim you asked for it: This is something Bil Keane would think up. If that hurts, it's for your own good.)
"Until you two can get on the same plane I think further sessions are pointless."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure it's solid pun-wise, but a tad dry and a little to close to being suitable for the real contest. Also, people who charge people by the hour seldom admit it is pointless.)
All in all, he's just another dick on the wall.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well said, JB. You really don't need no education. )
"So you're saying Tim just hangs out, is well hung, can't deal with you face to face, and doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, even though you continually drive him up the fucking wall. Is that about it, Kathy?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With that, Kathy whips out her ipod and offers a link)
I may need to quit contributing to this contest over the 2nd place given to the "good old fashioned Jew joke." 

It would be fine if it were good and old fashioned, but it persists on every crevice of the Internet. It's not a joke when it is a widespread belief that constantly rears its ugly head. As a Jew who gets punched in the gut regularly by this concept, sometimes disguised as humor and other times as blatant belief and "truth," I am disappointed. I suppose if we go back to the roots of this contest as "worst, most offensive" caption, this qualifies, but we haven't been there in some time.--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No worries. Our enduring commitment to content that is the “worst, most offensive” is unassailable. Your grasp of irony...not so much.)

"I don't think you understand his perspective."Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Story of my life.)

Monday, November 10, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #451












WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Other than I wish I were taller, my place is a sty and my wife has a slot, no complaints."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A skillful blend of Seinfeld humor with a ridiculously tacky, yet irrefutably logical pun. The episode in question centered on a cartoon that had a pig complaining to a retail clerk. It has enduring appeal to anti-cappers. Shelly, I was just thinking, would be a good name a cartoon crustacean. )
SECOND PLACE
"It's the only Jewproof way I can think of to protect my coin."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nothing like a good old fashion jew joke to get everyone laughing. You see, they have an insatiable appetite for money, but they are repulsed by pork. This stuff writes itself!  We are also reminded that that pigs are antisemitic AND security conscious. Noted.)
THIRD PLACE
Some animals are more equal than others.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This seems to fit. Can't even really say why.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"What he need's a damn good whacking."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Such is the enduring power of the Fab Four. Best line: “Everywhere there's lots of piggies Living piggy lives.)
"The oinkers here are extreme."

--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reach...but like a pig trying to roller skate or republicans trying get black and Latinos to vote for them, the effort is entertaining even if the result is predictable.)
You know what our tails look like? Fusili, you crazy bastard!--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Much better. Here we see the successful extension of a classic cap...a new twist, one might even say.)
"I would call us Click and Clack, but that would just set Al off again."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nothing much sets me off these days but captions I don't get gnaw at me.)

Right, Dex. al doesn't know tappet from topiary...Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Entered exactly 47 minutes AFTER the previous cap. My reply remains a blank stare and eagerness to push on.)

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #450







WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"It was the black guy's idea"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There may or may not be a black guy swayin' to the rhythm, but this works because blame-the-black-guy is a well established strategy. )

SECOND PLACE
"I move we approve the minuets."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the best puns ever seen in this contest which, we can all agree, is like being the tallest midget or the least smelly dung heap.)

THIRD PLACE
"Well, Obama promised cha-cha-cha-change."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Barry don't dance. Barry don't have to dance. Six years later this still engenders contempt among many Americans.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"All the guys are pretending to be Deney Terrio and all the girls are pretending to be Motion."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Leave it to Kathy Link-a-lot to drum up an obscure reference that creates an awkward silence followed by a polite chuckle. That IS what you were shooting for—right? )

"Hey Al, if the anti cap is such a drag, how about a quick comment on my boogaloo?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The amateurish gyrations of your profoundly unappealing derrière recall the gruesome spectacle of two frightened piglets frantically scurrying to escape a cauldron of boiling water. If there is one redeeming factor to be salvaged from this grotesque display, it is that there were, thankfully, no black people around to see it.)

"It's always cause for celebration when al judges a contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Celebrate the joy you bring to complete strangers who give not one shit about you, my anonymous friend.)

RIP, Tom Magliozzi, who's laugh brought the world to it's rightful humorous knees.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So it's Saturday morning and I'm trying to tune in a station on the kitchen radio. I have don't have much time because I got stuff on the burner. Every thing is static but I finally get NPR. Fine, I'm thinking, I can always listen to NPR. But then as I move toward the stove and resume cooking I realize what I'm listening to is “Car Talk.” This annoyed me. I actually took a second to wonder who the fuck would listen to a radio show discussing car repairs and why the fuck does NPR insist on airing this crap. It was probably the only time I ever gave “Car Talk” more than five seconds worth or thought. I mention this because, out of curiosity, I Googled “Tom Magliozzi.” Turns out he was one of those “Car Talk” geeks. He died. Kind of a spooky, is all I'm saying.)


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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.