al in la

Thursday, July 24, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #436,







WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"The irony is that I have never actually seen a fish bowl."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stupid, but in a thoughtful way. Absurd, yet somehow rational. Brings to mind that whole “you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish” thing. Most important, it took a second or two for me to get this. That much I appreciate.)
SECOND PLACE

Don-bub plee imbuh plool--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted three minutes after J.B. entered the rather bland cap: “Oh my god, did you just pee in the bowl?” It's as though he sat for a second, took bong hit and said (to himself as he exhaled): “You know what would be even funnier? If, like, the guys where talking under water. Fuck yeah! How can that NOT win?” Interestingly, the under water version does not include the “Oh my god” part. Maybe it just doesn't translate well. Blice blurk, J.B.)
THIRD PLACE
"I wonder how Abe Vigoda's doing?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure it's obscure, but why would these too guys care? Also Abe Vigoda wasn't sent to sleep with the fishes in GF I, it was the character he played, Salvatore Tessio. Like a dead maestro, he's decomposing nicely.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS

"The hours here are aquamarine."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Aquamarine is a light bluish-green color which would most likely NOT be evident in a fish bowl. Still, I have a fondness for the classics.)
I brought a couple of minnows, do you mind?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works because, apart from being fish, a “minnow” can refer to “a person of relatively small size, power, or influence.” You know, like an Anti-Cap judge.)

"Man, I could go for a Nutty Salmon just about now."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first I thought this was just an insensitive description of fish suffering from mental illness. Luckily, Kathy offered a link. The cap actually references a five-year old post on J.B.'s blog explaining a method for grilling fish. [Best line: “I rubbed a little olive oil on it...”] Once again Kathy's proves that her link-obsession is not without merit. Even so, Anti-Cap scholars will be justifiably outraged. Kathy previously included this link and I, of course, responded with the same lame joke. )


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

New York Anti-Cap Contest #435

















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

We've obviously been drawn into a black neighborhood.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A skillful combination of a tacky racist comment with a brilliant pun in the service of a quasi-classic. When J.B's on top of his game, it 's like watching Willie Mays play centerfield for the Giants. Unfortunately, when he is off, it's like watching Willie flounder around in right field for the Mets in '73.)
SECOND PLACE

"I think it's the alternator."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap works because it's one of those things people reflectively say when the car won't go. Still, the first two words are anti-Anti-Cap.)
THIRD PLACE

"Had a sign that read 'NO RADIO' ... The thief left a sign that read, 'GET ONE'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Back in NYC, I had a removable radio that would slide out of the dash board. Naturally I kept it under the passenger seat for easy access. I was right. It was stolen. Not even a thank you note.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I'm thinking that there's a good Metropolitan Diary story in this."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no such thing as “good” Metropolitan Diary story. More likely, it's a story about a cab driver who had the courtesy to call 911 after slamming into a pedestrian. “He even used the napkins from his Taco Bell bag to stop the bleeding.”)
"It's a metaphor for the Anti - Cap Contest."
-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A blind man employed as a parking valet somehow seems more fitting.)
Time to move to la, mrs. al.--boneguy (Mrs. al in la's COMMENT: What's that have to do with the price of tea in China. If you are going to be esoteric you can't be the only one who gets the joke.)
"Now everything's a little upside down, as a matter of fact the wheels have stopped. Must have been an idiot wind."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: “What 's good is bad, what's bad is good. You'll find out when you reach the top, you're on the bottom.” A Dylan song I know off the top of my head as though I was reciting the alphabet. “Blood On The Tracks” is a fucking masterpiece. )
"Strangest thing. First I put my beer bottle on a piano, and then this happened!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least you're following. Another quick, yet admittedly bland, story: I was at a party years ago and met "Weird Al" Yankovic. After we chatted briefly I said, “Well, I'll let you mingle.” To my surprise he said “No. Wait. Hang with me. I don't know anyone here.” Turns out he's real shy.)

Don't worry, we're in a New Yorker cartoon. There's black people to fear.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Awkward, obvious and clunky...also marred by the fact that the second sentence is grammatically wrong [should be “There're”]. In other words, Willie Mays in '73.)

Monday, June 30, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contes #434




















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Wake up you idiot, your dissertation on me is due in six hours."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been better if it said “book report” and Dorothy somehow resembled a 16 year old boy dressed like Dorothy, or maybe the lion looked like a 16-year old boy and Dorothy looked like Farah Fawcett. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Excellent, albeit confusing, cap, is all I'm trying to say.)
SECOND PLACE
You're dog was delicious. Now go fuck yourselves! Arghhh--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cruel but not entirely tasteless. Humor tip: Serve your guests chicken a la king and after they take a few bites say “Now tell me: Doesn't that taste just like chicken?” [My wife never gets tired of that one.])
THIRD PLACE
"Unless you intend on burning down Atlanta, you can kiss that Best Picture Oscar good-bye."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, GWTW edged Oz but Abba won a Grammy for best new act the same year Elvis Costello was nominated. Just sayin.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Well, well, what's signed, is signed; and what's to be, will be; and then again, perhaps it wont be, after all. Any how, it's all fixed and arranged a'ready; and some sailors or other must go with him, I suppose; as well these as any other men, God pity 'em! Morning to ye, shipmates, morning; the ineffable heavens bless ye; I'm sorry I stopped ye."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is probably from some place but I'm almost sure it's not from a Dylan song.)
"She’ll be standin’ on the bar soon
With a fish head an’ a harpoon
An’ a fake beard plastered on her brow
You’d better do somethin’ quick

She’s your lover now"
--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This IS from a Dylan song. Which, of course, I knew right away. )


"It is an evil voyage, I tell thee! Beware! There is a man along the way in large spectacles who will act under the pretense of saying farewell to the yellow brick road! Do not become his next candle in the wind!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever Elton John reference. True story: I once attended a “listening party” in an NYC recording studio for a new E.J. Album. As he sat down to play, there was a look of annoyance. With that snooty British accent of his, Sir Elton John said these words to me: “Please don't put your beer bottle on my piano.” [And no, he wasn't speaking in some kind of kinky code.] So I, an absolute nobody, was actually scolded by one of rock's greatest legends. I'll carry that with me forever.)
"When you see him, tell him not to post those RIP comics that are designed to push down the unjudged!"-NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only one who can push you down is you, Tex. Oprah has spoken about this often.)
"Because because because because because!"--Why Won't Al Judge? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because of the wonderful things I do, I suppose.)
"Hast thou seen the White Male? You know, alinla?"

--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If coming up for air means I'll be attacked by semen, I say “No thanks!” Reminds me of another story: During an interview, a retailer in Canada once told me he recently started using an “old sailor” to get better prices. When he saw I was perplexed he tried to explain. “You know an 'old sailor...an OLD sailor'…or I guess what you would call a distributor. [Although he pronounced it “dis-try-bute-tor.”] The light came on and I said “Oh! You mean a 'WHOLEsaler.' To which he responded “Yeah...that's what I said 'an old-sailor.” True story.)      

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Sunday, June 22, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #433



WINNERS 
FIRST PLACE 
"This works ... If you don't want to go nowhere!"--Dr Sumguy(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This wins because it is the very thought that hits me around 4 a.m. while I'm pecking away at my keyboard, then jump over to YouTube to watch vintage hockey fights, then over to BuzzFeed to look at adorable cat pictures then over to other sites to look at, you know, other stuff... [You get the picture.] Appropriate for the image, philosophical AND it has bad grammar.  Not at all funny, but this speaks to me. )

SECOND PLACE 
˙ƃop ǝɥʇ pǝǝɟ oʇ uɹnʇ ɹnoʎ s,ʇI—ʞɔnɯs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "A"for effort.  Not the first time someone has entered an upside-down cap but we're left to wonder what, exactly, they are going to feed the dog and how do you get the words to go upside down.)

THIRD PLACE
"They call him boneguy because, well...he won the real contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe he did, maybe he didn't.  Around here that matters not, but I give this props the way an actor who doesn't give a shit about the awards shows up on Oscar night because it is important to other people. Also, not to sound bitter, but I stopped caring about  that thing after I entered something that should have won but didn't.) 

HONORABLE MENTION
,,˙sᴉɥʇ op uɐɔ ʎpoqʎu∀,,--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No me. So...)

If this is the New Yorker cartoon storage room, where is the desert and the deserted island?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can see the wheels were turning and, yes, J.B. makes a valid point. Still, you can not store a desert or a deserted island in a storage room. You just can't Johnny. As always: thanks for playing.)

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.