al in la
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
"Yeah that's right. I need a load of your shit. Whatever you can spare. You see, I judge this contest and I ran out of things to say about the entries so…"
[NOTE: This anti-cap from Contest # 430 is the only one I have ever entered under my actual fake name. Conclude from it what you will, but you have to admit it's pretty fucking funny. Also, I think the fact that I didn't pick it as the winner, suggests I have integrity. ]
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a monkey could do it.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Less ambiguous, but can we all agree that the monkey will now need a computer and the willingness to devote his free time to creating merriment for unappreciative sad -sacks who aren't particularly funny?)
Sunday, February 15, 2015
NOTE: More winners from an anonymous interloping judge. The effort, though uninspiring, is appreciated. -- al in la
"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NJ-to-TX starts strong right out of the gate. For those of you who don't watch the Cosby Show, he is referencing the 17th episode in the 2nd season where Dick Van Dyke played an out of work magician trying to stay sober so that he could marry his sweetheart. Cosby worked his own kind of magic and helped Dyke stay off the booze and get his lady. That episode was so memorable and well acted that many professional critics mark it as the height of the Cosby show before the downward cycle of ratings began. Subtle 70's television references seldom go unrewarded.)
"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is speaking from experience here. I remember the night he took Kathy H (when her name was still Kathy) to a magic/jazz combination show in New Orleans. When the lead magician/saxophonist transformed a flat into a sharp, Tim leaped onto the stage and revealed the trick for what it was: A poorly concealed array of mirrors and fishing line. That was when Kathy disappeared into thin air for a week, an event Tim still attributes to the magician/saxophonist as revenge for revealing his illusion. Tim knows this for a fact because Kathy didn't pick up the phone for the duration of time she was made invisible.)
"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The implications of this comment are terrifying. An incestuous group of only a handful of people comprise the entirety of al in la's fan base. The numbers are undoubtedly inflated because many of you have multiple names and make numerous anonymous posts. And for what? So you can receive validation from an inattentive, and frankly rude, father figure who rarely takes the required five minutes out of his day to hand down contemptuous judgments? I say nay. We can do better. Daniel Radosh would be ashamed. And I should know.)
"Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.
2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.
Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool
Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.
Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.
- al in la"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now we are diving into a bottomless meta contest where judges judge each other while pretending to be people they are not. That being said, I find JonnyB's impression of al in la to be quite pedestrian. Leave the judging to the experts, kid.)
Monday, February 9, 2015
NOTE: Someone took it upon them self to spew forth winners for this contest. This is both humbling and welcome, like someone stealing a car you never drive. To be candid, I am unmoved by the commentary. It's a little self serving and pedestrian. But whatever. Also, PLEASE note that I did not submit the anti-cap selected as the honorable mention. I do occasionally submit caps but never under my actual fake name. Who knows? Maybe this will inspire me to crank out results in a more timely manner. This would ensure that Dylan-related caps get their due and JohnnyB is put in his place. I have been pre-occuied with important matters. Very hush-hush. Remember, I post these bastardized results...because I can. Don't judge me for not judging you. --al in la
"So ... Giddy Up ... Seabiscuit!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I once knew the niece of Laura Hillenbrand, the author of Seabiscuit. We were members of an awkward love tetrahedron that was never resolved. At the time I had not read the book, so I thought it was about the culinary techniques of pirates for many years. That's probably why she never liked me.)
"Why the long face? Oh, that's right. We're stranded on this island. And, you're a horse."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The first time I heard the classic bar joke Kathy is referencing, I was in a Cessna 172 flying over the Rocky Mountains. It was my first time in a non-commercial plane, and the pilot thought it would be hilarious if he let go of the controls. As I screamed while trying to avoid crashing into mountains with the co-pilot controls, the pilot laughed and told me bad bar jokes.)
"May as well start fucking each other"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As usual, Anonymous says what we're all thinking. From personal experience I can tell you this line doesn't work with most women unless you're trapped on a ski lift for four hours in a blizzard. Not a bad way to get laid.)
"I'm sick of your horrible puns and your dirty jokes. Keep spamming my blog with your pathetic comments while I refuse to judge you, scumbags."--al in la (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That's what I'm here for, Al. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.)