al in la

Monday, March 2, 2015

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #465

NOTE: Judging and comments  for this contest are guaranteed to be 100% authentic. --  al in la   


"I use Jews for these patch jobs because I'm anti-cementic."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Are they union jews at least? This could easily make the list of most offensive Anti-Caps ever seen here. It is also one of the best puns EVER since in history!)
"And this is where we tread on the upturned faces of the proletariat..."--Evan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Insightful political commentary, probably based on a quote from Marx or something. If the people water-sking saw the galley-slaves rowing their asses off, we would achieve a more egalitarian society. I have always said that. )
"Okay, now close it!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too perfect! Short, sadistic, nonsensical...and remarkably enough, funny. Extra credit: You know the two suits are about to get splayed with human goo.)

"It's their fucking fault, not ours."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And vivid and pointed reminder that in the corporate jungle, shifting blame is a crucial survival skill. Also, please note: This is only one of three caps out of 40 entered  to evoke the f-word. That's kind of fucked-up.)
I am haunted by the faces of my victims, until this afternoon when the contractor comes and fills this is--.JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First thing I thought of when I saw this cartoon was “I'll bet JohnnyB, goes with a haunted by the faces of my victims...” cap. And boom! Here it is! The finish is little lame but realistically, where else were you going to with this? Thanks for your continued contributions here JB. Like a cocker spanel who only wants to be groomed by the guy who has been doing it for years, I know you find new judges scary. I'm here for you J.B. )

"In Russia, crack smokes you."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The little squiggly lines over their heads make it look they are indeed this seems okay. )
"This stuff happens when you work for Black Diamond Bay."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Count on the Anti-Capper whose screen name evokes the two crappiest states in the country to provide our requisite Dylan mention. Included in this great song off the album "Desire" is one of my favorite Dylan verses of all time:

I was siting home alone one night in LA
Watching old Cronkite on the seven o'clock news
It seems there was an earthquake that
Left nothing but a Panama hat
And a pair of old Greek shoes
Didn't seem like much was happening
So I turned it off and went to grab another beer
Seems like every time you turn around
There's another hard-luck story that you're gonna hear
And there's really nothing anyone can say
And I never did plan to go anyway
To Black Diamond Bay.)

So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy. What'd you say your name was again, kid?

An instant new classic--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hired to be fired, I suppose.  Truth be told, I was the originator of this highly insightful cap. [I shit you not.] I threw it in the stew when I saw the three magicians a couple of weeks back. Someone had hi-jacked my contest and coughed up results. I was like, "Sure, okay. I guess."  Truth is, when I went to the Anti-Cap today, I half-expected that someone else might have rendered results. This has been the case in the past two weeks, but it would seem the interloper is has already lost interest. I thought now would be a good time to toss in my two-cents. You know! Start my come-back! You see, much the way I really , really want to do the anti-cap, work out more [Alright! Workout!] and take those five huge bags of empties in the garage back to the re-cycling place...I can never seem to find the time. Even so, it may interest some people this silly little blog consistently gets 100 visits a day. So I'm easing my way back in.)

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


al in la said...
"Yeah that's right. I need a load of your shit. Whatever you can spare. You see, I judge this contest and I ran out of things to say about the entries so…"

[NOTE: This anti-cap from Contest # 430 is the only one I have ever entered under my actual fake name. Conclude from it what you will, but you have to admit it's pretty fucking funny. Also, I think the fact that I didn't pick it as the winner, suggests I have integrity. ] 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a monkey could do it.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Less ambiguous, but can we all agree that the monkey will now need a computer and the willingness to devote his free time to creating merriment for unappreciative sad -sacks who aren't particularly funny?)

Sunday, February 15, 2015

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #464

NOTE: More winners from an anonymous interloping judge.  The effort, though uninspiring, is appreciated.  -- al in la               


"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NJ-to-TX starts strong right out of the gate. For those of you who don't watch the Cosby Show, he is referencing the 17th episode in the 2nd season where Dick Van Dyke played an out of work magician trying to stay sober so that he could marry his sweetheart. Cosby worked his own kind of magic and helped Dyke stay off the booze and get his lady. That episode was so memorable and well acted that many professional critics mark it as the height of the Cosby show before the downward cycle of ratings began. Subtle 70's television references seldom go unrewarded.)

"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is speaking from experience here. I remember the night he took Kathy H (when her name was still Kathy) to a magic/jazz combination show in New Orleans. When the lead magician/saxophonist transformed a flat into a sharp, Tim leaped onto the stage and revealed the trick for what it was: A poorly concealed array of mirrors and fishing line. That was when Kathy disappeared into thin air for a week, an event Tim still attributes to the magician/saxophonist as revenge for revealing his illusion. Tim knows this for a fact because Kathy didn't pick up the phone for the duration of time she was made invisible.)

"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The implications of this comment are terrifying. An incestuous group of only a handful of people comprise the entirety of al in la's fan base. The numbers are undoubtedly inflated because many of you have multiple names and make numerous anonymous posts. And for what? So you can receive validation from an inattentive, and frankly rude, father figure who rarely takes the required five minutes out of his day to hand down contemptuous judgments? I say nay. We can do better. Daniel Radosh would be ashamed. And I should know.)

"Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.

2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.

Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool

Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.

Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.

- al in la"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now we are diving into a bottomless meta contest where judges judge each other while pretending to be people they are not. That being said, I find JonnyB's impression of al in la to be quite pedestrian. Leave the judging to the experts, kid.)

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.