al in la

Monday, August 25, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #440







WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Oh Fuck! ... I just spit some Red Man on my 'Jimmy Choo Zinc Metallic Cracked Leather Platform Sandal'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Google search confirms that Doc has used the correct name of shoes that offer no protection from the rain, yet are priced at $1,095. Red Man is indeed a popular brand of chewing tobacco. Together they create a stupid pun. And maybe I'm projecting but it seems the gratuitous use of a four-letter word was Doc's way of saying “Fuck Choo.” Nicely done.)
SECOND PLACE
Man I hate "Run Like Kirk Gibson Day".--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Dodger slugger, hobbled by bad knees, belted two home runs against the Mets in the 1988 NLCS. He then hit a decisive HR against the A's in the World Series. Sure it was all very memorable and heroic, but as a Mets fan, I choose to recall that when he ran the bases wincing in a pain, he looked like a girl in high heels. I was going to pick this as the winner, but I didn't want to seem like a score loser holding a grudge more than 25 years later. So I picked it to come in second.)
THIRD PLACE
"My favorite player? Pumpsie Green."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a die-hard hater of the [last place] Boston Red Sox, I knew off hand that they were the last major league team to add a black player to their roster. It was 12 years after Jackie Robinson's debut in 1947 that Pumpsie Green joined a team that could have been called the "All-White Sox” up until then. Another fun fact: The first black player to wear a Yankees uniform was catcher Elston Howard. A NY sports writer famously observed, “The Yankees finally added a negro player, and wouldn't you know it, they got the one who can't run.” Pumpsie, by the way, only played in the majors for five years and, predictably, ended his lackluster career playing for the NY Mets. He is also believed to be the only man in the history of the world to go by the name “Pumpsie.”)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"C'mon! C'mon! My stockings have more runs than you assholes."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calls to mind the creative taunts I have learned as a Mets fan: “You couldn't beat out a rug!”...“You couldn't catch a cold”...“You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!”...“Put a tent on that circus!” … and, of course, “Hey ump! You suck!”)
"I'd give my left nut to have this contest judged, if I still had one."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of a foul ball, I suppose, but I don't judge lifestyles, just captons—when I get around to it.”)


Monday, August 18, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #439




WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Well. Obama did promise us trains."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is better than it seems. Apart from being a quasi-classic, President Obama is indeed a staunch proponent of high speed rail. While he has earmarked more than $11 billion for bullets trains and the like, these projects have been stalled by conservatives who see mass transit as some type of Communist plot. There is no denying that Obama DID promise us trains.)
SECOND PLACE
Well built with her headlights on? I’ve got two of those, pal.”--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like someone would call a bar and provide such a description. Still, you got to like the ambiguity. He could be talking about the trains, the women or,  for that matter, himself.)
THIRD PLACE
Yeah, so they come in here and ask for gin and tonics.
I set ‘em up and say, ‘24 bucks., please.’ Then I tell
them that we don’t get many subway cars in the bar.
And then wiseacre No. 3 pipes up and says, ‘Well, at
these prices, it’s no wonder.’ “But, they’re still here!”--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once, when I was a reporter in NYC, I went to an after-work cocktail party in some big-ass nightclub. It was open bar from 6 to 8pm, so I was pounding down the drinks the way a journalist should. I ordered yet another cocktail at the instant the open bar became a cash bar. The bartender put down the drink and said, “That'll be...” [I forget how much, but it was a lot more than free.] I said “Um...I'll be right back.” I left and went home to Staten Island. Bought a beer on the ferry for $2. This reminded me of that, is all I want to say. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"All they keep syaing is, 'La via del tren subterraneo es peligrosa.'"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An online translation tool says it means “The underground railway is Dangerous." I don't get it, but I think it's kind of classy to have something in a foreign language here so )

"It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry, and it takes two trains to make you want to start shooting up the place."--NJtoTX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I never understood that line from Dylan anymore than I understand this one: “I ride on a mail train, baby. Can't buy a thrill.” Still, it's Dylan I want to encourage that.)

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.