RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #227

NOTE: It rained most of this week in L.A. There was also nothing good on TV today so... In an undertaking that is unprecedented in the bumpy rich history of the Anti-Caption Contest, (and unlikely to be repeated) I added a comment to each and every entry posted over the past week.
It started out simple enough. I was poking around on the computer and beginning to cut and paste notable entries into my blog. I realized that with one fell swoop I could cut and paste every entry. This would make the process a bit easier. Just keep the descent ones and jettison the rest, I figured. Then, amid a boring movie and a rain storm, I started writing comments. Some sarcastic, some endearing. It was like eating pistachio nuts. I just kept doing it even as I got sick of doing it. It took a few hours, but it felt somewhat cathartic to slog through them all. I have long maintained the majority of Anti-Caps are lame and/or boring. (Not yours. The others.) A handful are smart and edgy. They make it worthwhile.
Anyway, if for no other reason than to prove that I read them all, I submit: my two-cents on every one of the 121 Anti-Captions submitted last week. Your comments are welcome.

This is your 5am wake up call, Mr. Marx. Time to wake up.
Posted by: LK February 1, 2010 11:30 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Unless this is supposed to be Groucho's assistant...The hat and overalls tell us the guy at the desk is labor. The suit and pissed off look let us the window washer is a displaced executive. LK is making a comment about Karl Marx and inherent conflict between workers and management Karl's fuck-the-rich fantasies have finally been achieved so the author is getting a wake up call. But why 5 am? That's just cruel.)

"Yes, this is Al. Look out my window? Why?"
Posted by: Oogie February 1, 2010 11:42 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't really get this one ---and I should considering that my name is Al.)

"Hello, Spic & Span . . . I'm sorry, Mr. Span can't come to the phone right now."
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik February 1, 2010 11:44 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll assume this is NOT some thinly veiled racial slur and that the two men are business partners who started a cleaning products company. )

"The office is immaculate. You'd never guess that 30 people were jammed in here for a whole week." Posted by: George Graffenberg February 1, 2010 11:48 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to an earier cartoon. Nice to see you are paying attention George.)

When will my computer be ready?
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime February 1, 2010 11:52 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because it's not ready now. See? He has no computer on his desk. Maybe a pun about waiting for "Windows" to be updated. Just sayin')

"Security? I believe there is a corporate spy posing as a window washer outside my window."
Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:28 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sorry Johnny, but at best, this is "Family-Circus-funny." Maybe the "B" stands for "Bil"? )

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to squeegie my fucking windows."
Posted by: Arthur February 1, 2010 12:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The second part is supposed to rhyme with "die" but I get the sense of irony. Extra credit for the expletive.)

"Yes, that's correct. The motto here at Squeegee Man, Inc. is 'Rudy Giuliani Can Go Fuck Himself'." Posted by: Tim H February 1, 2010 12:31 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There was a time in NYC when you could not drive around without someone "volunteering" to clear your car's windshield. Using his trademark sledgehammer-to-kill-a-house-fly approach, Rudy ordered the cops to haul the squeegie people away in handcuffs and throw them in Rikers. As this caption suggests, many of these people went on to start successful businesses.)

"We just wrapped the film.I play a workman. You know - I go in - the woman's home alone - we fu ... What? The tapping? Oh - window washer." Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny, Johnny Johnny, I truly believe that if we could only hear this caption the way you hear it in your nimble imagination, it might somehow be funny.)

"The hours here are clean." Posted by: Kathy H February 1, 2010 12:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This make no sense but in keeps alive one of our favorite perennials Anti-Caps: "The hours here are obscene" So thank you Kathy!)

"So, you want a 5'x7' painting of a businessman mowing a lawn. Sure, I can do that."
Posted by: Beth February 1, 2010 12:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought that it might be a portrait or large photo on the wall. Beth imagines that this is a company that specializes in that type of art. Not funny ha-ha, of course, but somewhat imaginative.)

"Three letters. Beverage alternative to coffee or milk. This is a tough crossword."
Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My guess is that Johnny lounges in his bathrobe every Monday morning sipping coffee while noodling yet another cartoon for which he has no meaningful caption. In that regard the Anti-Cap Contest is very much like a crossword puzzle for Johnny. That's the impression I get anyway.)

"I invest a couple thou in a giant flat screen and digital satellite and all I can get in is the window washing network." Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)

"I invest a couple thou in a giant flat screen and digital satellite and all I can get in is the squeegee network." Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:37 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ditto.)

"Did you get my fax?"
"Help! Someone stole my computer!"
Posted by: Harry February 1, 2010 12:38 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because there is no computer on his desk I guess. Maybe he hit the "POST" button before he finished writing this.)

"I don't have a computer here. Can you google 'irony' for me?"
Posted by: Glenn W. February 1, 2010 12:57 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did. Turned up 17.2 million hits.)

"There's a trash can in here that's way too big and it hasn't been emptied in a week....Yes, a smaller trash can. Thanks. Oh, the new window washer? He has a major attitude problem. Thinks he's too good for the job." Posted by: Glenn W. February 1, 2010 1:02 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sometimes the most obvious thing is the funniest. Not this time, of course, but sometimes.)

"He had experience in money laundering, so I thought he'd be good at washing windows."
Posted by: Richard H February 1, 2010 1:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe this would have been a little funny funnier if it said "laundering money" or "window washing." That way there would be consistency in both ends of the sentence.)

"I think I'm a bit underdressed for my first day at the office."
Posted by: Richard H February 1, 2010 1:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Indeed you are. I mean, this is a place where even the window washer guy is all decked out in a suit. You can't make this stuff up.)

"It's quite an elaborate setup. You see, I'm getting a blowjob beneath my desk and while that's going on, this Wall Street dude pays $2000 to pretend to wash my windows." Posted by: Richard H February 1, 2010 1:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You'll find this and many other "elaborate setups" if you go to "Miscellaneous Romance" on Craig's List in any major city. )

"Hello, ma'am. Is your fridge running? It is? Better go chase after it! Ha ha ha ha, god I love my job!" Posted by: Ben.H February 1, 2010 1:46 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess the old Prince-Albert-in-a-can bit no longer has legs.)

"Yeah, he came in here, said his name was Leno, and just took over my job!"
Posted by: Tim H February 1, 2010 1:52 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one will really sting Jay-Bird when he reads it. And, yes, you know he is going to read it.)

"Wat vershun? He on me weendow. No, me. No seven. He not even finish one yet. He should restart? Jajaja! I tell eem."Posted by: Damon February 1, 2010 2:25 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe in addition to the 25 word limit we should include a rule about Anti-Caps being at least semi-coherent.)

"The waiter's union is protesting outside my office again. Management got smart and decided not to allocate sign budget this time."Posted by: Damon February 1, 2010 2:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Damon booted this one, but he was commenting on the fact that the guy outside also looks like a waiter. Nice, um, try.)

"It's a new show on CBS. I think it's called 'Undercover Snobs.' Posted by: Grantq February 1, 2010 3:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which actually is not a bad concept, reality-TV show-wise.)

Operator: "Press one for English. Para Espanol marque---"(*puts phone down*). Man: "Hey fuckface! You think you could squeegie any louder?! I'm on a conference call for Chrissake!"
Posted by: Anonymous February 1, 2010 3:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The noise can be a bit distracting, that's all he's saying.)

"...And he's got a really mean look on his face. Perhaps he has the diarrhea."
Posted by: Grant February 1, 2010 3:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Using "the" before "diarrhea" gave this a bit of an edge. But still it is nothing to joke about.)

"This would never happen in real life but at least I get my beautiful mug in the New Yorker."
Posted by: Grant February 1, 2010 3:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I get the class conflict angle, but let's not forget that a unionized window washer in NYC probably makes more than, say, an editor at a trade journal--not that there's anything wrong with that.)

"Officer, you don't understand. Bill Gates is outside trying to debug MY Windows."
Posted by: Rich Lather February 1, 2010 4:47 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty good! I don't know that "debug" is the right word but I like the pun. )

"Hello, TempOffices 'r' Us? The desk is nice and the wastebasket is a good size, but where's the rest of the furniture? And what's the deal with the window washer?"
Posted by: Kathy H February 1, 2010 4:53 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good questions all)

I'm a PC, and the Windows 7 Make It Look Like A Dispirited Junior Executive Is Cleaning The Screen From Inside utility was my idea. Posted by: Walt February 1, 2010 5:18 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is inspired by a TV ad where a guy says he dreamed up the new version of Windows while in the bathroom. He then points to the shower. I say that is NOT where bathroom thinking gets done. And why all the uppercase letters?)

Hi, Luigi? It's-a-mee, Mario. I just found out the whole world is a computer simulation. Meet me in the castle. Oops, gotta run, window washer just turned into an Agent. Posted by: Walt February 1, 2010 5:44 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you're Walt and you post this, you wonder if people will get it. I do. It's very cleaver. But Mario had a much bigger mustache. Also: what kind of agent?)

“Get me those numbers now, jerkweed, or I’ll clean your wind...err..clock!”
Posted by: dwilk February 1, 2010 6:04 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Jerkweed?")

"What's dat? Clothes make dee man? Dat's a good one. Dat's fuckeeeng heelarious!"
Posted by: Rob February 1, 2010 6:38 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apparently the guy on the phone is so dumb that even when he says stuff it's spelled wrong.)

"Hello Sally? Carmen....the guy who use to wash windows at Bank Of America..."
Posted by: Rob February 1, 2010 6:50 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, and?)

Did you ever feel like someone was watching you?
Posted by: Austin D February 1, 2010 7:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Shouldn't it be "IS watching you?")

"May I ask why you're cancelling your subscription to Dressing the Part Magazine?
Posted by: TE February 1, 2010 8:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why indeed.)

"You made my desk very shinny, thank you."
Posted by: Brian L February 1, 2010 8:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It would appear that the desk does have a certain gleem to it. So?)

"Yes, Watson slipped some Rohypnol into my cocaine and buggered me something fierce so I had to punish the old boy...jolly good prank, though, eh what?" Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle February 1, 2010 9:07 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No shit Sherlock. Extra credit for the allias.)

"If you custodians keep mocking us on casual fridays I'll see to it you have a building full of poop-plugged toilets on monday. Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 1, 2010 9:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I fear that the expression "poop plugged?" will remain lodged in my brain. )

"Wait till you see what I did with Norbert and his fancy-pants aquarium." Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 1, 2010 9:29 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh I see. That's a big old fish tank behind him. I wonder why Jim used the name "Norbert," though.)

"Yes, this is he." Posted by: Rubrick February 1, 2010 10:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Proper grammer will only get you so far in this contest.)

I'll tell you what I'm looking at. Pamela Anderson's tits that what.
(please draw a straight line from man's eyes to left hand side of your screen)
Posted by: boneguy February 1, 2010 11:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did. You're right. Good use of out-of-cartoon imagery. But real trick is to do that AND be funny.)

I taking a break before I tackle the graffiti the Vice President put on the floor.
Posted by: boneguy February 1, 2010 11:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It seems every Caption-Cartoon by this artist draws a comment about his notorius, albeit misspelled, last name. [Get it? "Draws?"])

"No, I don't know what happened to the good judge for the alien doctor. Yeah, those captions sucked. Yes, I know, that's what anti-caption is all about. But still, throw a few funny ones in there." Posted by: Harold February 1, 2010 11:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So which of us is supposed to be the "good judge?" I'm totally confused by this caption. Still, I'm sure others feel your pain.)

"I think he's going to rescue me and we'll run out and he'll jam the squeegee in the door and we'll jump on the bus and grin." Posted by: Elaine February 1, 2010 11:35 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This Cap apparently is based on a a gay version of The Graduate. "Mr. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?" And I'll bet "Elaine" is not even the poster's real name. Good esoteric movie reference, though.)

I'm taking a break before I tackle the graffiti the Vice President put on the floor.
Posted by: boneguy February 1, 2010 11:57 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll say it again: This lacks originality.)

"He still works here, but that's what he's doing now—work." Posted by: dwilk February 2, 2010 6:31 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Looks like someone got their comeuppance. Still I maintain that sitting at a desk all day trying to look busy IS work.)

"Taste, inc. Accounting? No they let everyone go. There's no Accounting for Taste. One of them is working for $8.50 an hour outside right now. Posted by: Dutty February 2, 2010 9:40 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a bit of a reach but there is humor here someplace.)

"Ethics, shmethics. Just cut the fucking rope like I told you to." Posted by: mypalmike February 2, 2010 11:13 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Ethics, shmethics" uses a rhyming device that is derived from Yiddish. It's hard to pull it off in a forum like this. Murder, by the way, is more than unethical, it's rude.)

"Well, given those choices, I'm With Coco" Posted by: Kathy H February 2, 2010 12:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is obviously a reference to the pioneering French fashion designer Coco Chanel some guy with a TV show who quit or got fired or something. He is not to be confused with the legendary Coco the Clown, who was inducted into the International Clown Hall of Fame in 1991.)

(a different treatment of the above:)
Okey-dokey, Luigi. You can take-a the blue pill and wake up back in Bowser's Castle like-a nothing happened, or you can take-a the red pill and find out how deep the green pipe really goes. Decide quick, an Agent's after me. Posted by: Walt February 2, 2010 12:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't know that "treatment" is the right word but this is certainly another caption, much like the other one Walt submitted--only this one has a drug reference)

"Great news! A high-powered asshole of a lawyer is being given some sort of magical comeuppance, and I got his job!" Posted by: Francis February 2, 2010 12:48 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So now YOU'RE a high-powerd asshole lawyer? And isn't "asshole lawyer" redundant?

"Isn't that just like a wop consultant? Brings a T-square to a gun fight."
Posted by: Penelope G. February 2, 2010 12:54 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds better with a Scottish accent. )

"I'm sorry, he's out right now...outSIDE, that is! Of the window! Washing it! Which is my job, not his! No, I don't know how it happened, it does seem sort of complicated. Can I take a message? Oh, you don't actually work in banking either, you're a sanitation worker? What a strange day this is. And yes, I'll stop repeating everything you say." Posted by: Francis February 2, 2010 12:55 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For those who object to the 25-word maximum, I submit this as Exhibit A.)

"You're great at phone sex, baby! What? Yes, I did. I think it landed on the window behind me. Thank god no one was watching." Posted by: Damon February 2, 2010 2:48 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You do realize that spelling the Lord's name with a lower case "g" is going to get you in trouble, don't you Walt?)

"In Soviet Union, asshole wipes you!"
Posted by: mypalmike February 2, 2010 3:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nyet so! He is not wiping the guy he is wiping the window. )

"We faked his death when we realized after crazy-gluing his head back together that all JFK was good for was washing windows. Well fuck you, too, I know it would have been funnier in '65. Maybe it should have been a Blagojevich joke. Eat me." Posted by: J.A.O February 2, 2010 3:53 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tell ya what: This would have been even less funny in '65--if that's at all possible."

The contract talks are stalled, so I've taken a hostage. Oh, and send up that large-knockered bimbo from HR. Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 2, 2010 4:52 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, it's the woman from HR who would get you fired for that kind of talk.)

"You're at the edge of the roof? Okay, cut the cables! This bastard's going down."
Posted by: NJoTX February 2, 2010 6:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes sense AND is somewhat funny. )

One homosexual encounter in the elevator doesn't make me queer, but now he's stalking my blue collar ass. Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 2, 2010 6:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes it does Jim. Yes it most certainly does.)

"Jayna - it's Bob at Justice League. Listen, Zan got demoted today...I think you're gonna need to be the pail of water for awhile." Posted by: Damon February 2, 2010 6:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In this superhero world, Zan can transform into water in any state [solid, liquid, gas, Ohio...] and Jayna can transform into any being, even mythical creatures. There is no evidence, however, that Jayna can trasform into inanimate objects like a pail, which renders this Anti-Cap totally bogus. )

"Hello? Get me re-write."
Posted by: Dave February 2, 2010 6:44 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "... so I can submit a decent Anti-Cap.")

"Yeah, it's like some kind of bizzaro world."
Posted by: Dave February 2, 2010 6:46 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Where up is down and bland is funny, I suppose.)

"The new guy? He takes forever, leaves streaks, and holds the rag like a fucking waiter."
Posted by: Rob February 2, 2010 6:55 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not awful but let's not put the words "rag" and "fucking" in the same sentence, okay?)

"The window washer you sent over is doing great, but I still need someone to clean the name cheney out of my rug." Posted by: 0bs01337 February 2, 2010 7:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If only we could clean that name--however it's spelled-- out of our history books.)

"They work cheap and they only do the jobs Mexicans aren't willing to do. And if they get sick, you just send them back across the border and it's not your problem." Posted by: Joshua February 2, 2010 7:42 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "They" must be Canadians. And what exactly are the jobs that Mexicans WON'T do?)

"CEOs in glass spaces shouldn't get stoned." Posted by: dwilk February 2, 2010 8:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And they should get dressed in the basement. )

Hello, doctor. Harry and I have been switching roles for so long we're totally fucked-up. Can you work me in today? Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 2, 2010 10:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can assure you this has not compromised my mental health. But thanks for thinking of me, Jim.)

"Beats me. This was created by an "office" themed New Yorker drag-and-drop cartoon kit.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik February 3, 2010 6:16 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I found that drag and drop cartoon thing to be a royal pain. I felt like a waiter who also had to slaughter the livestock, grow the veggies and cook the meal.)

"My camera phone got three great shots of Fernsten humping Smither's wife on top of my new desk." Posted by: Rob February 3, 2010 6:37 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes no sense. Also, do people really call it humping anymore? )

As I sift through the weekly crop of Anti-Captions, I occasionally feel like a substitute teacher in front of a class of unruly 8th graders. How else to explain the blatant and persistent disregard for the few rules we have to govern our humble little contest? CLASS PLEASE! Keep the captions brief and enter no more than five Anti-Captions each week. Posted by: cheap r4i software February 3, 2010 8:05 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is lifted--veratim--from a note I wrote on this blog some weeks ago. Is it a tribute, or am I being mocked? Are there copywrite implications here? Either way at least someone is reading this stuff.)

"Yes, you've reached AI-fucking-G. He's in a suit because he makes $6 million dollars a year."
Posted by: Charlotte February 3, 2010 12:42 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, how do you explain YOUR attire?)

"Honey, I just can't talk now. I have six 5-inch high stacks of paper on my desk, 250 emails in my inbox, and the entire Accounting team is in my office....OK, I love you, too."Posted by: Sarah February 3, 2010 2:15 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess a member of that team is out there cleaning the windows. )

[Suit thinking] "I never imagined white slavery would be like this..."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle February 3, 2010 2:17 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I hate to get all serious on you, but actually this is exactly what slavery looks like: Someone does a danerous, tedious and dirty job while someone else sits around. To paraphase Curt Flood, "A well dressed slave is still a slave.")

"He's upset because he's having to show me how to do my job properly. I know; I'll be better next time. Thanks, mom." Posted by: Damon February 3, 2010 6:12 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If that's so, why aren't you watching him? )

"Mr. MBA is learning the hard way about how we have too many college grads and not nearly enough skilled tradesman. Supply and demand, bitch!" Posted by: David February 3, 2010 9:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess this Anti-Cap and it's fractured syntax are testimony to David's disrespect for those with advanced degrees. Noted. It's also not funny because it's true.)

"Putting-acid-in-your-boss's-coffee-day is my favorite day ever! He's so scared. The best part is this is a ground floor office!" Posted by: Grant February 3, 2010 10:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...this acid you speak of? It makes you want to wash windows? The guy outside does not look scared, just annoyed. And this is a "day" they have on a regular basis? Wouldn't someone catch on?)

"Eez Rados de vinda vasha. I got Radosh vashing vindows ha ha. Vat else ve make him do for @radosh.net?" Posted by: nam trahm February 3, 2010 10:37 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great little insider comment and "vashing vindows" sounds pretty authentic.)

Now I'm supposed to say "Fusqueegi, you crazy bastard...How the hell are you?" but I have no idea what the fuck any of this means. Posted by: m hartman February 3, 2010 11:04 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet you submited it anyway.)

"Idiot was so sure Favre was going to be in the Super Bowl. Who dat? Favre. Brett Favre."
Posted by: Drew February 4, 2010 12:04 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If Frave had made it to the Bowl you could play a drinking game and take shoot whenever they mention that he is 40 years old.)

"Fuck the middle class."
Posted by: dwilk February 4, 2010 7:18 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's left of it.)

"Yezzzz Ma'am, I can assure you upper mangement is very aware of the brake and accelerator problems on your Toyota." Posted by: dwilk February 4, 2010 9:37 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well they are aware of the problem! And they are sorry. Also, I drive a Toyota Avalon and am very happy with it. So there.)

"I sold my soul to the Devil for this job. Guess that guy dealt with Jesus Christ, ha ha ha!"
Posted by: Mickey February 4, 2010 11:06 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Christ would have made him a fisherman and than cut a deal where everyone has to eat fish on Fridays.)

Facsimile machine, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you running this place with a facsimile machine? Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 1:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No one under 40 knows what a facsimile machine is. And no, it's not the same as a FAX.)

"I can't talk now, I'm too busy rejudging caption contests!" Posted by: Harry February 4, 2010 1:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Harry has assured me he has no problem with my shadow results. So it's all good. I really don't think of it as "re-judging" since I only do it once.)

This is your sixth proposal, and as it is too long I can't be bothered. I'm busy breaking in the new guy. Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh I see, another snotty comment about the five-cap, 25-word limit. As I mentioned before, I have been a hockey referee and a newspaper reporter. This type of abuse does not bother me.)

No Mr. Bond, I expect him to try. The bastard is standing there like a statue.
Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:14 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not bad. Bond could easily kill the guy outside if he'd only get off his ass. But CRC, we also expect YOU to try--try and be a little funny.)

I just fluffed in his chair. Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:15 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I actually saw a license plate in L.A. that said "I [heart] 2 fluff." I guess the DMW is not as worldly as CRC. And yes, it was a woman driving and it was an expensive car.)

This is Raoul in accounting. I don't give a rat's ass whose son-in-law he his, my fucking windows are still streaked. Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Terrible, but I do like the name "Raoul.")

"Yes, this is Harry. I'll be your judge this week. But why do I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder?" Posted by: Richard H February 4, 2010 5:20 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yo! Richard! This is the internet! If they're not looking over your shoulder they're peeking down your blouse. [If you're a girl, I mean])

Please send me something to write with. Posted by: Chris February 4, 2010 5:21 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Some times simplicity is simply simplictic [as opposed to funny])

"Brad no longer doesn't work here anymore." Posted by: Rob February 4, 2010 6:45 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I sort of get it. That's Brad out there not-not working, right?)

INTERACTIVE ANTI-CAP. (PICK ANY ONE, OR ADD YOUR OWN)
"Is that so? The last guy we hired also was_________. How soon can you start?"
1) an english major 2) a newspaper reporter3) a real estate agent4) a key player in the Bush administration Posted by: NAMBY February 4, 2010 7:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's funny but I know NAMBY and this is a person who needs no encouragement. Let's stay with the standard format, okay?)

"Luigi, Winchler and Winchler. Can I help you?"
Posted by: Dex February 4, 2010 11:12 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to a previous contest, but it is not funny.)

"Yes this is Fetishes Unlimited... No, I'm sorry, our windows are fully booked this week, but for $500 I could let you wash a really mud-splattered Toyota with a very sticky gas pedal."
Posted by: Richard H February 5, 2010 10:24 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this is truely a fetish thing, wouldn't he be cleaning the glass with his tongue or something?)

"So, Mr CEO bets me a job swap that the Colts will romp over the Saints...bing, bang boom, I'm ordering deli and jerking off to his wife's picture!" Posted by: Westy February 5, 2010 10:53 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent Anti-Cap Westy. I am writing this before the game, but I hope you are right [about the game, not about some guy beating off to the picture of another guy's wife].)

"Reflective glass must suck. Not only do you have to wash windows all day; you have to watch yourself washing windows all day. I'm horny." Posted by: Susie Q February 5, 2010 11:01 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But reflective Anti-Caps are welcome. Maybe next time.)

"Hello, Mr. Baxter's office! Sorry, he can't come to the phone right now. May I take a message and have him call you when he gets back?...Will do, thanks!" Posted by: Beth February 5, 2010 11:11 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Zzzzzzz.)

Little known fact. In the early days of the first Bush administration, Al Gore was given a token position. Posted by: Austin D February 5, 2010 12:52 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I believe the Supreme Court used the missionary position when they fucked Gore--and the American people.)

"Because his girlfriend pressed her naked tits against the glass, that's why." Posted by: Steve G February 5, 2010 5:49 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From outside? )

The rest of them were dead when I opened the trailer door. Posted by: Rocko February 5, 2010 6:33 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm guessing this a reference to migrant workers or illegal alliens or something.)

"Because I just do the opposite of what Cramer says" Posted by: R.C. February 5, 2010 8:08 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to that "Mad Money" asshole on CNBC who gets everything wrong. It's funny, but in a 2009 kind of way.)

What else can I have him do, Ms. Palin? He's a fucking retard. Posted by: Rocko February 5, 2010 10:17 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hire someone to ghost write a book for him and have him tour "real America" or put him on the Republican ticket. That's what.)

"You know that movie 'Trading Places'? I'm living it! But now when Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off, her tits hit the floor."
"Can you switch out this pretentious photo-realistic bullshit painting behind me for the 'Dogs Playing Poker'?" Posted by: LV February 6, 2010 7:34 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: These two from LV have some merit. But the still beautiful Jamie Lee Curtis is 51, not 92. I did appreciate the "Trading Places" reference. Eddie Murphy's only non-crappy movie.)
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"OK Mr. Mankoff, I'll sit for this one. But there better be some bare tits in next week's cartoon." Posted by: m hartman February 6, 2010 1:07 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, we were all thrilled to see bare breasts in a New Yorked cartoon, perhaps some people more than others.)

"Hello, is this Aim to Please? I need a sniper to be across the street at 2PM sharp. Yes, that's right, a sharp shooter. Then at 3PM, I need a hooker. Okay, if the sniper doubles as a hooker, she can come early, but only if I let her." Posted by: Doppelganger February 6, 2010 2:22 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I just want to point out that this exceeds the 25-word limit AND yes it is quite crappy.)

"Diane... please take a quick memo... Ahem.."No soup for you!"
"Mom...It's Luigi! I kicked Mario's ass playing today! He's gotta do my chores!"
"Hey...a bet's a bet!"
"I like the office but the hyper-real 'window-washer art' needs to go. How about one of those 'poker playing dog posters?"
"In Russia shit happens... Okay, not funny... but shit really DO happen!"
Posted by: Johnny V February 6, 2010 6:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't much like multiple caps in one entry. Of these "a bet's a bet." is the least lame.)

Caption: Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?
Anti-Caption: "Ms. Wagner, I seem to have a nasty stomach bug....I just soiled my chair and the floor through my overalls. Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?"
Posted by: m ham rant February 6, 2010 6:15 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wow! This may be the first of it's kind: A legit caption AND it's companion Anti-Cap. I like them both! Nice work! I gonna pick this as the winner.)

(Sorry LV... didn't know you posted the 'dogs playing poker' joke first... Gee... I was working today and typed my captions as soon as I got home!)
Posted by: Johnny V February 6, 2010 6:16 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry. Neither one will win. And by the way, you have nothing better to do when you get home?)

(No prob, Johnny V. Great minds.......) Posted by: LV February 6, 2010 6:54 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: ...come up with better stuff than this.)

"Toyotas "R" Us..."
Posted by: Anonymous February 6, 2010 7:31 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I was ready to buy another car, I'd get a Toyota. Having said that I admit this is pretty funny.)

Yes, I have your application. You appear to be underqualified for the janitorial job, however, there is an opening in management that might suit you. Posted by: Rocko February 6, 2010 8:29 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Window washing is a distinct skill set from janitorial work. Someone in management would know that.)

The E.D. meds worked doctor, but I've got a raging priapism, and I can't hide behind this desk all day. Posted by: Rocko February 7, 2010 1:47 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Google says "priapism" is a condition in which the penis is continually erect; usually painful and seldom with sexual arousal." Fine. But how does that explain the guy in the suit outside?)

"...Switcheroo Temps, this is Stewart." Posted by: Michael S. February 7, 2010 2:39 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe "Switcheroo" only works when preceeded by "the old.")

"Your back or my back?"
"I'm going to see if he has a mini-bar."
"I was right: being blue-collar does kick ass."Posted by: Michael S. February 7, 2010 2:42 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I didn't get the first one so I read it again. And then realized there is nothing here. So I move on. Remember it's quality, not quanity.)

"Sell all our holdings and put everything into Executive Squeegee Workers."
Posted by: Dave February 7, 2010 4:03 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He'd be a fool to do so. This business model is doomed. Clearly Dave is reaching.)

"No, not THAT Jesus. This one can't fly, but he's very clean."
"...but now it looks I'm getting hemroids too."
"The only difference is that in my dream he had bigger tits."
Posted by: Slack-a-gogo February 7, 2010 4:49 PM (JUDGE'S COMENT: The first two are awful the third is intriguing if you fancy men with large breasts.)

"Affirmative Action does work!" Posted by: Michael S. February 7, 2010 11:03 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's like The Simpsons' monorail song: "What about us brain dead slobs?"..."You'll be given cushy jobs.")

"I told him the Saints would win by 2 touchdowns, and he bet me his job they wouldn't. What the hell do I do now?" Posted by: Hoodat February 8, 2010 12:03 AM (JUDGE'S COMENT: You sit there and look busy and if all goes well you evenually retire to Florida. And no, I do not think you predicted today's Super Bowl outcome. Nobody did!)

I'm telling you Danny, I'll be more like Harry, I promise. Don't send me back out there...I'm afraid of heights. I swear I won't pontificate anymore...It's just that I'm in between jobs and I NEED TO EDIT...THE ANTI-CAP NEEDS ME!!! Please Dan, don't shut me out. Ask Cavanaugh...I STILL GOT IT!!! They are NOT under my skin. I'M PUBLISHED GODDAMN IT!!! What do you mean it was just obscure bullshit?!?! YOU THINK THESE ASSHOLES ARE LITERATE...FUNNY?!?! Every fuckin week: "No Mr. Bond." "How the hell are you Fussili?" NO WONDER YOU HAVE TO TWITTER NOW YOU FRIGGIN LOSER!!!! I wouldn't line my birdcage with the rags you've written for. Oh, what am I saying? I"m sorry, Danny. Really... I love Brooklyn, SERIOUSLY....AHHHH...I FUCKING HATE FUCKING L.A.!!! Posted by: Nam tram February 8, 2010 12:59 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Okay, Okay...There's a lot to unpack here. But since this is the last Anti-Caption I'll be commenting on, and I'm still buzzed from the Super Bowl party I went to, allow me to pontificate: First, this Anti-Caption entry violates the 25-word maximum. But I'll overlook that because it made me say "Holy shit!" I had to read it a few times, but I now see that this is supposed to be me ranting on the phone to the founder of the Anti-Cap contest, Daniel Radosh. Whoever wrote this has cast me as a neurotic, self-loathing has-been who resents the forum that affords him his only sliver of credibility. Okay, I get that. But please know: I love living in L.A. and I miss Brooklyn like I miss a pimple. I respect Radosh and anyone who has carved out a living as a writer. The ability to express yourself with clarity, grace and wit is a good thing. To make a buck off of it means you don't have to load trucks in the rain, scrub toilets or work as a copy editor. I must say, I do take umbrage at the disrespect expressed for this contest and its participants. I agree the Anti-Cap Contest each week includes many submissions that are vapid, redundant or just stupid. But so what? (Note to Anti-Cappers: I don't mean YOU. It's the others I'm talking about.) I was pleased that Daniel Radosh asked me to be a judge. I enjoy the contest and, yes, it gives me an excuse to practice my craft--such as it is. (And for the record: I have been a staunch advocate of "No Mr. Bond," "Fussilli" and the other standards.) Overall, I do appreciate this entry. (Whenever the press asked George W. about something he fucked up or couldn't comprehend, he'd begin by saying "I appreciate the question..." It's kind of like that.) It was submited by someone who has closely scrutinized my past postings. (I'm flattered!) This person is an anal retentive jerk has a sharp eye for detail. He, she or it (I don't rule out droid-involvement) knows that I got laid off decided to take a little time off after a 25-year career as a print journalist. While I have worked for a number of places that are widely recognized, I agree, a lot of what I've written about is "obscure." But "bullshit" is in the eye of the beholder. Workng for magazines you probably never heard of, I've traveled the globe, interviewed countless celebrities and got to do cool stuff most people never get to do. (I once got a phone call that began: "Hi Al. This is Raquel Welch." And I swear to Christ, it was really her!) Recently, though, I've been collecting unemployment and drinking cheap beer freelancing and weighing my options. Finally, I want to say, I read and commented on 121 Anti-Captions for this lengthy post. For this finally entry, I have one final comment: How does any of this explain the guy in the suit outside?)

UNOFFICIAL RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #226

NOTE: As you can see on Radosh.net Harry, the other Anti-Caption contest judge, has selected last week's official winners. The picks I offer here are strictly for entertainment purposes. In fact, I purposely pick Anti-Captions not included among Harry's winners. I also try to spotlight those that are worth noting because they are particularly obnoxious and/or crappy. In short, while you may or may not aspire to make this list, you should not pat yourself on the back for doing so.
Also, I didn't much like this cartoon. As soon as I saw it, I knew there would be anal probe jokes, thinly veiled digs at illegal aliens and, of course, something about "universal health care." It's one of those "what's-wrong-with-this-picture" cartoons that have come to dominate the New Yorker's caption contest. I get the impression that the cartoonists don't put nearly as much effort into the "real" contest as we put in to our Anti-Contest. They may have the readership, but we have the shitty attitude the creative integrity and impish humor that makes the Anti-Cap such a must read for dozens of people.

With that I offer my unofficial winners and my two-cents. Your comments--either good or nasty, indifferent or ill-informed--are welcome and encouraged.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Now that I've slipped this Trojan Magnum onto my head,we can move on to your lower G.I. Sorry, but I'm out of the ribbed."-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has a couple of things going for it: We have the anal probe angle, insider jargon ["lower G.I."] and the suggestion that the ribbed condom would be more, you know, fun. Most important, I'm a big USC fan so for me "Trojans" is not just a family planning option, it's a football team and, I believe, a college based here someplace in L.A.)
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HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Yes, it's a standard physical. We'll anal probe, anal probe, anal probe, check your blood pressure, anal probe, and finally, anal probe. --Capt Clown (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one reminds us that an extraterrestrial who travels through the galaxy does so in the hope of examining a human's asshole. You'd think if they can travel that far they would invent a way to probe butts without actually doing it.)
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"What makes you think you have a right to universal healthcare?-- Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe I'm reaching, but I see a political commentary here. To me, it suggests that all of us earthlings have a right to the best medical care available and only a scum-bag republican someone from another planet would believe otherwise. Or maybe Richard H just went with the most obvious thing that hit him. Either way.)
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Srog's rather mundane life as a doctor left him wondering whether he had misunderstood the instructions he was given for taking over the world. Ironically, his patient, Steve, had similar questions about his own life. -- mypalmike (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here we have the seldom used "narrative caption." It does not include dialog but, rather, it makes a dryly ironic observation about the image. Comedian turned Fox News asshole, Dennis Miller, frequently did this with some success on SNL as the anchor of Weekend Update. The cap also taps into the self-doubt that plagues many of us earthlings But where the hell did he come up with the name "Srog," I wonder.)
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"I know this isn't funny and a bit of a reach but when I am done with you, you'll have tits like Pamela Anderson. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the self-deprecating preamble, but I don't think this is a reach. Remember we have Ms. Anderson's "blogad" running in perpetuity right next to the contest. Also, sometimes when I think about what an alien might say to me, this is on the short list.)
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"Here. Take this iPad with a glass of water and call me in the morning." -- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT; This ties into Apple's new computer-related device and Tim H. even provided a link [Nice touch!]. Highly topical. Also, here's a joke I came up with: The model with enhanced memory should be called the Maxi iPad. Funny. No?)
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"'P.C. Vey?' All you're going to say after seeing my bill is 'Oy vey!'" -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This pokes fun at the cartoonist's name AND evokes a common Yiddish expression. It also mocks the exorbitant fees charged by people who save your life. Turns out "Oy vey" literally translated means "oh woe." I never knew that before--and admit it: Either did you!)
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“To err is human, to stick long needles into human navels is humanoid."-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is based on a quote that is often attributed to Shakespeare. It was actually written by some guy named "Alexander Pope" who died in 1744. Who among us will have our words erroneously attributed to someone else 266 years after our death? Pope also said: "Amusement is the happiness of those who can not think."
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"University of Mars at Long Beach.” -- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Everyone has heard of UCLA, but this is funny to people who live in California because there are like a hundred "UC's." Many are based in places you've never heard of [including UC Long Beach]. Interestingly, the state still spends more on its prison system than its many colleges.)
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"Why, yes, of course I'm Jewish." -- johnnyo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There are a great many Jewish doctors is what this Anti-Cap is saying. It playfully pokes fun at a heritage that values education over, say, mixed martial arts. I only hope this wasn't written by JohnnyB using a new AKA.)
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"I swore an oath to serve man.... Oh, this? It's a cookbook." -- Kanamit (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The word "serve" can mean "assist" or "provide as a meal." Hence, the seemingly innocuous title "To Serve Man" could be a call to service OR perhaps a cookbook. That's spooky. Someone should make a spin-tingling TV episode based on this concept. )
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"Oh, thanks. It's a Jerry Garcia. Brooks Brothers. Did you have any trouble finding us?" -- Searcy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Before his untimely death, the great and powerful Garcia, actually marketed a line of premium neck wear. This Anti-Cap recalls that rich irony without making too big a deal about it. The patient, a jaded yuppie who has long ago given up any expectation of seeing a doctor who looks like him, would be more likely to comment on the tie than the fact that the doctor is, um, different. In case you are wondering, my favorite Dead song is "Friend Of The Devil.")
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"Your EXOPHTHALMOS is incurable. But at least you can always find work in the cartoons of P.C. Vey, Leo Cullum and others." -- Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Roger did not need to go all upper case on the big word that describes an affliction that results in bulging eyes, but mocking these cartoonists for their predictable attributes is most welcome. )
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"This is 'a lien' on your house. It's 2 words. It doesn't say alien, you idiot." --Manolo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any of you remember when Radosh used to let us vote for best Anti-Cap? That's the first time I won. The cartoon had two guys commenting on an apartment building that was laying on its side. My award-winning Anti-Cap was: "I heard the bank put a lien on this place." I still get misty when I think of it.)
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"Welcome to our lab in LA. I just may not examine your penis if it is excessively long. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a dig at Harry's declaration that he will not even read Anti-Caps that go on too long. It's a vague standard that stands in sharp contrast to my rock solid, albeit controversial, 25-word maximum. This Cap also seems to reference Harry's manhood which, it's been said, can not be measured by any existing device, technique or yard stick.)
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"Ass your doctor I'm going to insist you cut back to one entry, two at most." -- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first, I thought this was also a reference to the contest's five-entry maximum, but I now know it's just a lame juvenile pun. Still, I hate to cut and paste for no good reason.)
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"I'm shaking because I'm excited, Mr. Effron! The tests suggest your body contains something extraordinary: the key to the secret of life for your race, and mine! I have no idea how this is possible, but all the answers are right here, in this document...
...actually, it's kind of lengthy. I may just not read it."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now this IS a reference to the ad-hoc standard used by Harry when he reads [or declines to read] a lengthy Anti-Caption. It's also a bit snotty. It suggests that even an elixir that prolongs life could be spilled to the ground by uncaring judges. Also the phrase: "the key to the secret of life for your race" is clunky and in-eloquent. AND tests don't "suggest" they "show," "prove" or "indicate." So there!)
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"I'm Dr Allan L. Alien and I am here to ruin the anti-captions with science." --Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a creative, yet misguided, dig at the judging process. It's also Brian's second entry on this topic, so maybe he has issues. As any kindergarden teacher or prison guard will tell you, rules and guidelines don't "ruin" that which they govern. I do appreciate how he changed "al in la" to "Allan L. Alien." Very creative.)
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"I dunno how things work on planet Earth but, where I'm from, that orifice is meant primarily for exits, not entries. I suggest you limit them to five per week."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, I'm pretty sure, is both a cautionary tale on anal intercourse AND a comment on the dangers of placing arbitrary limits on creativity. I also was very happy to see the word "dunno." It's very under-used, I think.)
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"Here you go. And in case you were wondering, I went to medical school in Czechoslovakia. That's right...I'm DOCTOR Rados...and you can tell your friend I said that he can kiss my squatting ass in Prague Castle before I'll let him wheedle @radosh away from me...) -- nam trahm (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's clear the author of this entry is paying attention. Radosh decided to move to Twitter only to find that the ID he wants was already taken. This is what passes for conflict in his busy yet pampered life, I suppose.)
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RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #225

NOTE: A big week in Anti-Cap Land as we learned that contest founder, Daniel Radosh, will now use Twitter as the prime venue for his wit and wisdom. He also graciously assured that his Radosh.net web site will endure, as will our cherished contest. As I noted in my comment to his post, the other judge, Harry, has returned and is set to assume his every-other-week duties. In fact, Harry said he will be posting and judging this week's contest (#226). I plan to post "unofficial winners" (and my comments) on this blog strictly for entertainment value. Between the two of us we'll keep it going. I'm not a Twitter-type of person (all obvious jokes aside), but I do wish Daniel every success in his effort to entertain and enlighten people using no more than 140 characters at a time.
Also, please note that I am writing this while bummed out. I am not a huge NY Jets fan, but I remember them fondly from their days playing at Shea Stadium and winning Super Bowl III. I really wanted to see them win today. Having once lived in Baltimore, I have spill-over hatred for the Colts (Everyone in that town hates them for their abrupt 1983 move to Indianapolis.) Maybe the cheerleader in the cartoon is consoling the Jets. Maybe she is a terrorist (terrorette?) who is about to attack the Colt's plane. All I can say is 24 days to pitchers and catchers.
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And now for this week's winners and my two-cents:
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WINNERS
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FIRST PLACE

"Hi, wanna see my confetti impression?"-- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For those wondering why this is even remotely funny, the jet engines are about to shred the cheerleader and her pom-poms. It will be gruesome--but in a festive way. Of course, I'm assuming she cheers for the Colts which proves that I am a very bitter and vindictive creative person.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"No, Captain, Sullenberger, I'm not Kate Hudson and you can't 'ditch it' in me."--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reaching for a pun while staying topical, Johnny recalls that is was just about a year ago that Capt. Sully ditched his plane into the Hudson River. Johnny somehow found away to sexualize it. Hey? Wouldn't it be a scream if the Colts charter plane crashed and burned was seriously delayed on its way to the Super Bowl?)

"Oh, jeez. Another fucking moron to get arrested while they close down the goddam airport."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was one of my first thoughts when I saw the image: she would be arrested, or maybe tazzed, maced or shot as a security threat. Or maybe some water boarding. Also, you so seldom see the word "jeez" any more.)

"Remember me? I was on Comair CRJ-100. 49 of us died and you survived. I hope you're haunted by my face."-- Yetta K (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to a 2006 plane crash in Kentucky that did, in fact, claim 49 lives. The FAA says the captain was on the wrong runway because he was chit-chatting with his 1st officer, [who, it turns out, was the only survivor.] A news report notes that one of the victims was a cheerleader. It also says the 1st officer vowed he would fly again. So, this one is factually accurate, makes light of a tragedy AND manages to include a perennial Anti-Cap. ["haunted by the faces..."] Yetta, you did yourself proud!)

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Specifically that cheerleader that I raped and killed in Seattle last year. You remember, right, Phil?" Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of like the previous Anti-Cap, only with misogyny. I guess she asked for it, dressed like that and all.)


"These To Catch A Predator stings are getting increasingly elaborate."-- David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They also give the NY Post an excuse to use "sick-o" or "perv" in a headline. )

"OSAMA OBAMA, GET A ROOM. INFIDEL AIRPLANE GO KABOOM!!!!"-- m hartman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What do cheerleaders do? They cheer. I'm frankly surprised we did not get more entries like this. )

"Funny you should ask for a "D" and another "D," they're on the grass right behind you." -- djack (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This entry was posted two minutes after djack posted the same cap, but with the letters "D" and "A." I envision him smacking his head and saying "Oh shit!" Rather than cut his loses, he fixed the mistake and entered another cap. I think we could encourage that type of self loathing integrity.)

Two, four, six, eight, I'll help you elevate. Just be careful not to slip When you reach the landing strip. Go Jets!"-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It rhymes and it mentions a football team whose season ended today. )

"It's Jeff Zucker's latest idea to save the network. Think of it as LOST Meets HEROES, but if J.J. Abrams asks, it's based on an idea by Art Buchwald." --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good use of name dropping. I knew all the references even though I've never seen "Heroes" and I hate "Lost.")

"The day I show you my tits is the day Radosh puts Pamela Anderson's generously augmented twins fully exposed on his blog site. What? Oh shit."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, I'm not the only one who has noticed the Pam Anderson "Blogad" that is a fixture of Radosh.net. The caption is a bit of a reach and isn't particularly funny but I like the eye for detail.)

"Marry me, and we'll create little TV-Pilots." (Tranny jokes rule!)--Cosette (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute little pun there, Cosette. But if it is a guy in a cheerleader's outfit how are they supposed to re-produce? )

"Suck the cheerleader into your port engine, save the world."--Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very impressive that you specified "port engine." Clearly Walt is a detail-oriented person with cheerleader issues.)

"That's kinda . . . offensive. No, I said if you start the engines, I'LL be sucked into them like a piece of hamburger into a garbage disposal . . ."-- Optimus Sub-Prime (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's funny because it's true. I will add that I never had a garbage disposal until I moved to L.A. It's one of those not-in-New York things.)

"Hold up a sec, that's our navigator Al."-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hey! Is Dex suggesting that's me on the tarmac wearing a cheerleader outfit? Do they even make them in my size? [just askin'] And aren't I more of a co-pilot than a "navigator," fer Christ sake?)
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"I'm sure glad there are no black TSA agents here to see this."--Mr. Know It All (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't thing the TSA discriminates. but this is a perennial and it's a little tiny bit funny.)

"What do you mean you could see my landing strip?"-- Mr. Know It All (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A woman's pubic hair region is sometimes crudely referred to as a "landing strip" because it's where a man's organ "lands." I knew someone would make a funny joke about that. I'm still waiting.)

"You looking for Al in LAX?He was attacked my a mob of angry anti-cappers last week. I'm here to cheer him up."-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim has been a staunch supporter of mine and has encouraged me to continue my courageous work in the face of adversity. He also seems to see himself in a cheerleader uniform.)

"We've got to stop meeting like this. I have other responsibilities. From now on, meet me on twitter. Warning: they have a stricter word limit."--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, of course, is a reference to Radosh's shift from the web site to twitter. Very little gets past Johnny.)

"Fuselage, you crazy bastard!"--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I thought of "Jet fuel, you crazy bastard!" but this is better. But please, Richard, let's not forget the "How the hell are you?" part. And let's be clear: We mean no offense to bastards who also happen to be mentally ill.)
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RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #224

NOTE: During the recent TV special celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Simpsons, one of the show's insiders was going on about how they routinely get abused in Internet chat rooms. The show is a classic, of course, but people still unload all manner of vitriol and vent their discontent. This is probably a good thing because rage, like flatulence, needs an escape valve. As a native New Yorker I also believe that complaining is a natural body function. We live in a tawdry and vulgar age, why should Anti-Cappers be any different?
I bring this up because I was amazed at the number of Anti-Caps last week that mentioned and/or attacked me. Some people are steamed that I would impose a 25-word limit on the Anti-Caps. (Never mind that there is a 250 character limit demanded by the "real" New Yorker contest.) Of course, it's always hard to tell if the nastiness is genuine or just garden variety sarcasm advanced by self-loathing slackers. In any event, I believe it's relevant to note that I have worked as an ice hockey referee. (Below is a a photo of me officiating a game at the Staple Center in front of 17,000 fans.) This was a good experience for me because players, coaches and fans can be cruel and manipulative. Even when they know they are dead wrong they try to get a call their way. I would ask Anti-Cappers for civility, but that might only show weakness. So, to show that I'm completely passive aggressive a good sport, I've included a number of Anti-Judge Anti-Caps. (The "game," by the way, was high school kids playing between periods at a Kings game. Still counts.)
Yes, the barbs baffle me, but they do not bother me. What's more I want to remind every one that 25 words is not a hard and fast rule--just a guideline. Epic-length captions just gum up the works and they are seldom funny. I will continue to use my special Radosh-approved powers to delete the XL Anti-Caps and I will sleep soundly at night.

With that, here are the winners for last week along with my two-cents. Feel free to leave a comment.

WINNER
"How long am I expected to stay at Flight Delay Training Camp before you let me go to the airport?"--RichardH (Judge's Comment: Every time I looked at the cartoon I thought of the time I was stuck at O'Hare for 12 hours. This is not that funny but it hit me on a gut level.)
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HONORABLE MENTIONS


"Is it Haiti in here, or is it just me?"-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's topical [and tropical], insensitive and it includes a stupid pun. Also, many of those poor souls in Haiti looked like the people in the cartoon--only the quake victims are black, bloodied and in desperate need of help.)
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"So, Mr. District Attorney Vance, we simply want to know, who stays and who gets the ol' heave-ho?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to Cyrus R. Vance, Jr., who became District Attorney of New York County on January 1, 2010. Apparently these is a bit of dead wood in that office. I just want to show I have Google too.)


"The aliens left only the 27 of us alive. Somebody fuck somebody with working ovaries."--Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I think "functioning" would have worked better that "working" but here is someone who took the trouble to count the bodies. "A" for effort.)


"As Moses' attorney I implore you to let his people go...or at least go to the bathroom."-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh. I'll bet the lawyer is Jewish too.)


"Worst. Orgy. Ever." --Austin D (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short. I like em short. )

"I know you guys are all exhausted and dispirited after our failure to prep adequately for the Yoo interview, but come on--we still have a show to write for tonight!"--The Confidence Man (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a thinly veiled reference to Daniel Radosh's gig as a writer for the Daily Show. [Yoo authored a memo that legitimized torture for Bush/Chaney.] I too thought this cartoon was some kind of writer's room--only they wouldn't be dressed as nice.)

"The protesters, that I represent, demand that you allow them to protest or they will continue lay down and DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"-- Grant (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We could lose the word "that" but I also thought this was some type of sit-in. Maybe the are protesting the 25-word limit.)


"I believe I speak for all assembled: ...ahem...The hours here are obscene." -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see? That's why they're all so tired. They work long hours! It is also a perennial. So. . .)


"The towers here can't be fully seen. Because of the fog."--Mike (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another perennial--although not especially funny, I admit.)


ANTI-JUDGE/ANTI-CAPTION CAPTIONS
"You just had to go off and scold JD last week. Well, welcome to your pathetic, little JD-free world. No homo references, no political rants, and no color. You suck!"-- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I call 'em like I see 'em. Funny thing is: JD has not been chased away [see below]. It's like my father with the seat belt law, he's learned to adapt.)


“My apologies, Alphonso. I could swear you said twenty-five turds or less."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even though there are more that 25 people--or "turds," if you will--in the cartoon, this is pretty funny. Also: I kind of like "Alponso.")


"Previous entry violates all rules of play. The addition of structure is taking the "anti-" out of this beloved little diversion. You have become yet another puppet of the Man." ??--WW-JD (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But I am "The Man." Besides even a diversion has guidelines--that's why people wash their hands before fisting.)


"We forced them to read J.D.s last entry."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see JD? Not every one loves long-winded, self indulgent drivel disguised as an Anti-Caption. Brevity is the soul of wit.)


"Radosh knew not to give these puns-referring-to-a-previous-winning-caption any handouts. But now, like metaphorical squatters in an office suite..."-- Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is true but I'm all about volume. Besides, Radosh is busy doing "other things.")


"Keep the unruly 8th graders Players locked up until I post & judge next week's contest Radosh goes home so they don't compromise the expediency make fun of our humble little contest my very small penis. "--m hartman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The genius who posted this could not figure out how to do a strike through. I have added the needed HTML code because I thought it was funny. It also shows he is reading my blog.)


"So, Dunworthy, my clients are entitled to a hearing discussing the matter of their health benefits being eliminated merely three months after wage reductions of nearly ANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! REJECTED!!!!!
EXCEEDS TWENTY-FIVE WORD LIMIT. -- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm like, my God, could you be just a little more mellow-dramatic? I mean, as if. )


"I'm sorry but Al posted winners and the new contest promptly. Any captions about hanging around waiting for the results are just not going to work.(Was that too long? Do you think he'll reject it? Probably he'll make some snide comment about how many captions I submitted. God, I hate this contest)"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One man's "snide" is another man's "insightful." I'm just glad SOMEONE noticed the promptness of my posting.)


"I'm.... speaking.... very ..... slowly..... because.... alinla..... is.... insisting.... I.... adhere..... to.... a.... twenty-five..... word.... limit...." --RichardH (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can only assume this is posted by Calvin from Calvin & Hobbs. Talk about passive-aggressive. And ellipses, by the way, are only supposed to have three dots with a space between each dot. So there!)


"They all exceeded the 5 caption limit. You still want 'em castrated?"
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No Jim. Just admonished.)


"Welcome to another meeting of Al-Anon in LA."-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, a previous grand prize winner, seems to be obsessing a bit.)


"This is what happens when I let you assholes judge the Anti-Cap Contest?"-- m hartman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Noted.)

RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #223

NOTE: As I sift through the weekly crop of Anti-Captions, I occasionally feel like a substitute teacher in front of a class of unruly 8th graders. How else to explain the blatant and persistent disregard for the few rules we have to govern our humble little contest? CLASS PLEASE! Keep the captions brief (no longer than 25 words) and enter no more than five Anti-Captions each week. (And there is really no reason to include multiple Anti-Caps in one entry. Just go with the best one. )
Another request is this: Before tossing your Anti-Cap on the heap, read all of the entries already posted that week. Duplicate or highly similar entries serve no purpose other than to bore the shit out of people compromise the expediency of the judging process.
Are these unreasonable requests? Can I expect your cooperation or do I need to get Mr. Radosh in here? I can get him. He's just down the hall, you know.
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ALSO: The other Guest-Judge, Harry, has asked me to post & judge next week's contest. He apparently has been picked up on an outstanding warrant something else to do.

Below are the winners for last week's contest along with my two-cents. Please leave a comment telling me what you think, how you came to think it and what you'd like me to think.
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WINNER
"Because they Need Another Seven Astronauts really fast...THAT'S why!" -- dwilk (JUDGE"S COMMENT: This is a reference to one of the most tasteless jokes ever circulated in the wake of a tragedy. Shortly after the 1986 Challenger disaster claimed the lives of seven astronauts--including a grade school teacher and a black guy-- some dolts quipped "What does NASA stand for?" The answer is the basis for this winning entry. Given the historical significance, the insensitivity, AND the fact that it somewhat fits the cartoon--it was an obvious pick. BTW: Other Challenger jokes:
*Where did Christa Macaullife (the teacher) spend her last vacation? A : All over Florida
*How did they know Christa M. had dandruff? A: They found her head and shoulders.
*How many astronauts can you fit into a Volkswagen Bug? A: 11, two in the front, two in the back, and seven in the ashtray.
*What did Christa M. say to her husband before she left that morning? A: You feed the dog, I'll feed the fish.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"No Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Full Disclosure: I know NAMBY and was reluctant to put her on the leader board to avoid any conflict of interest. Still, this is a great Anti-Caption [and it was the first one submitted]. Not only does it advance the Bond franchise, it's anchored by a completely appropriate laundry-related pun. Also, notice how short it is. Short is good. About 14 hours after this was submitted, "Celeste" entered: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to use lye." I appreciate the additional Bond reference, but let's face it, who the hell uses lye? This is to NAMBY's cap what Shemp is to Curly."

"It's a Westinghouse, so I'm westing. Not the others, though. They've been hacked to death by some maniac."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here we have a grown-inducing pun mingling comfortably with a sickeningly twisted image of carnage. Not much thought here, just adolescent humor. A classic Anti-Cap. Nice job Steve!)

"The New Yorker would have 'This is the best Manhattan apartment I could afford' coming out of my mouth, but the truth is that I can't come any other way."--David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nice little cheap shot at the evil empire "real" contest and an apparent sexual reference that makes absolutely no sense. Also: Apartments in NYC can really be very small.)


"It is an honor to visit Japanese 4-star hotel.--LK (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They really have extremely small hotel accommodations in Japan. You can sleep in a bed that they slide into a wall. It's like a slab in a morgue, only with 600-tread count bed linen. Mostly drunken business men use them. Extra credit for employing the fractured syntax routinely used to mock the Japanese. Berry ice.)


"Mommy Kate, if you and Daddy John get back together, will you have time to do our laundry and baths separately?"-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like the image of a single mom washing her kids and her kids' clothing at the same time. It's both heartless and politically relevant. Still, I maintain that including the names "Kate" & "John" brings nothing to the party.)


"This is only going to make us more clingy." --Francis (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nice short Anti-Caption with a very clever pun. Using the word "clingy" in this context is brilliant. Also if this Francis person is actually a woman, it's even better because women frequently make no distinction between "clingy" and "affectionate." Men do. )

"OUT, DAMN SPOT!! No, really. My dog is in here with me. Now, scram!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like Steve_O, Kathy has concocted an Anti-Caption with a cleaver pun that also evokes a twisted image. Here we believe a dog--a small cute, lovable dog, I'm guessing--is spinning helplessly in a washing machine (or dryer). Poor little guy. I also love the word "scram." Kathy H. also weighed in with two comments that are worth noting. Think of them as "Honorable Honorable Mentions." )

[It's obvious this establishment is located in "LA," an overt nod to al in....]-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too noticed the backward "AL" in the window of this cartoon, but I figured no one else would. Thanks Kathy, even though I suspect you are--like most of those who use the name "Kathy" in cyberspace--a pudgy 40-year-old postal worker who roots for the Islanders and lives in his mother's basement. Good use of the word "overt," one of the few words that rhymes with "pervert"--but I guess you knew that.)

[NOTE: Apropos of nothing, but an anagram for ANTI-CAP POLICE is CIAO, CAT NIPPLE. Thank you for your time.]-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No, Kathy, thank YOU for YOUR time. You painstakingly, if somewhat clumsily, fashioned the first anagram in Anti-Caption history. I think it also marks the first time "apropos" has been used, but certainly not the first time we've seen "nipple." I found a photo of "Kathy H." She's just as I thought she is.)

"I don't know why they call it 'Delicates.' It's a vicious cycle."--Grant (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This too is a good little pun, but the actual preferred expression is "vicious CIRCLE. " It refers to a series of fixed circumstances that perpetually yield a negative outcome. i.e.: assholes produce asshole kids who grow-up to be assholes who produce asshole kids...and so on.)

"I hope you're haunted by the faces of your Tide with Febreze Freshness 2X Ultra Concentrated Detergent victims."--Virgil Q (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We like to reward the chestnuts. Also good use of actual brand names and a hat tip for using "you're" correctly. So many people use "your." These people are barbarians to me.)

You idiot, there are four signs that clearly say,
" ____
______
_____
____
___" --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice pick up on the signs displayed above the dryers [which could be front loading washers, by the way]. The cartoonist simply assumed he could draw a few lines but Johnny B called him out on it. He even added an extra sign just to be edgy. Now, if only Johnny had come up with something funny to say about it.)

"The towels here are quite clean."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to encourage the perennials, even the ones that are bit dry [Get it? Dry?]. I remember an Anti-Caption cartoon from a while back that was set in a hospital. Two older men were commenting on a crash test dummy that was heavily bandaged and being pushed in a wheelchair. My Anti-Cap was: "The healing powers here are extreme" Didn't even get a lousy stinkin' honorable mention--but that was before I was named a judge.)

"Sorry, but the rules say you can only fill five washers. And, we know your IP address."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am assuming Dex is NOT mocking the rule. And, yes, we do know every detail of your life. This is something Dex--who had two outstanding parking tickets and a cyst on his buttock-- knows all to well.)

"The reversed letters in the window really put the 'AL' in 'LA,' if you see what I mean." --Trout Almondine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like Kathy H., Trout also saw those tell-tale letters on the window and rendered this Anti-Caption. It always nice to think people appreciate my efforts.)

"Everyone hide! alinla has come to bastardize another anti-caption contest!" -- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well, maybe not everyone. But why would she implore the others to "hide?" They are already inside the dryers. And won't "piggy-back," "usurp," or "hijack" work better than "bastardize?" )

Results for Anti-Cap Contest #221: (Extended edition with judge's commentary)

(Please leave a comment praising, validating, acknowledging or assailing these picks.)

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"He's temperamental, but he makes an awesome tit and testicle chowder."--Jim Cavanaugh (Judge's Comment: I believe Jim is new to the contest and I wanted to encourage his interest. Yes, it's a little gross to think the knife-wielding chef is about to cut off body parts, but I guess that's the point. I also like the "tit" and "testicle" alliteration. Congratulations Jim. In a week where Christians welcome one J.C., we welcome another.)

.HONORABLE MENTIONS

"This madhouse is a real kitchen."--Francis (Judge's Comment: Short and cleaver, obvious yet insightful. This would make a good book and/or reality show title.)

Ghost of Christmas Future: "This is what will happen to your restaurant after you cut labor by twenty percent and forged invoices, Ebenezer."--Grant (Judge's Comment: Holiday theme put it on the short list. Nice idea but specifying "twenty percent" makes it clunky. Let's keep them short, okay Grant?)
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"Tisch School of the Arts graduates make great wait staff, never kitchen staff."--J.D. (Judge's Comment: While I continue to suspect that J.D. is deeply troubled and often ill-informed, he can be terribly funny. For more info on J.D. and a photo, go here)
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All I can say is, thank God The Times let us keep our 3 stars."
Kathy H (Judge's Comment: Kathy, bless her heart, linked this rather pedestrian anti-cap to a review of the NYC restaurant La Grenouille. Nice job!)

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"Everybody likes oral sex but nobody wants to see how it's made."--TG Gibbon (Judge's Comment: My wife thought this was very funny. I say oral sex is not "made," it's "preformed" --at least that's how I remember it--but I know not to argue about such things.)
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Too many kooks spoil the Frittata of Bass in G-string minor."-- FV (Judge's Comment: A brief anti-cap with two puns--three if you assume the woman is playing a bass fiddle. )
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"That's the guy who failed to judge Contest #220. People finally aren't taking it anymore."-- Lester (Judge's Comment: I like even lame anti-caps that reference the contest itself. Also, I don't think I've ever actually met anyone named Lester.)

."Mr. Woods asked that we hide his 17th favorite mistress in plain sight. Plus, we knew that if there are two things the sports media do not like they are over-priced fish and classical music."-- Grant (Judge's Comment: Topical, but as a former sports reporter, I can tell you we love anything expensive when someone else is paying. Also: instead of "his 17th favorite mistress" you could have just said "her." People would get the Woods reference.)
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"The guy with the cleaver and chef's knife is Harry, and he's chasing Al for stepping on his dick last week and to keep him from judging this one on time. It's forced irony."--David (Judge's Comment: Again, I want to acknowledge contest references, but let's not abuse this privilege. Why "cleaver" AND "chef's knife?" Also the name is al in la (lower case please) and let's leave Harry's dick out of it--okay?)
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No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to diet."-- Gretchen S. (Judge's Comment: Nice job Gretch! I am determined to advance this Bond reference at all costs.)
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"You're supposed to be cooking Fusilli, you crazy bastards!"--Damon (Judge's Comment: Damon, you know how to reach me!)
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"It's a good thing there are Mexican people here to clean this up."--Joshua (See previous comment.)
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"This is what happens when it takes TWO DAYS to judge an anti-caption contest."--Harry (Judge's Comment: Nice one, Harry. Remember the first step to resolving a problem is acknowledging its existence.)

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Finalists: Anti-Caption Contest #221

The New Yorker is taking a week off, so this Anti-Caption contest is still open. To keep it interesting, I have selected a few finalists. But rememeber, the contest is not over. You can still summit a caption. Feel free to use the comments section to voice you support or contempt for any or all of these:

FINALISTS

"This madhouse is a real kitchen."--Francis

Ghost of Christmas Future: "This is what will happen to your restaurant after you cut labor by twenty percent and forged invoices, Ebenezer."--Grant

"In this pressure-cooker environment, I always find Samantha's musical interpretations remarkably soothing."--Richard H

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"Tisch School of the Arts graduates make great wait staff, *never* kitchen staff."--J.D.

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"Everybody likes oral sex but nobody wants to see how it's made."--TG Gibbon

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Too many kooks spoil the Frittata of Bass in G-string minor."-- FV

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That's the guy who failed to judge Contest #220. People finally aren't taking it anymore."-- Lester
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"Mr. Woods asked that we hide his 17th favorite mistress in plain sight. Plus, we knew that if there are two things the sports media do not like they are over-priced fish and classical music."
-- Grant

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"The guy with the cleaver and chef's knife is Harry, and he's chasing Al for stepping on his dick last week and to keep him from judging this one on time. It's forced irony."--David

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No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to diet."-- Gretchen S.

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"You're supposed to be cooking Fusilli, you crazy bastards!"--Damon

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"It's a good thing there are Mexican people here to clean this up."--Joshua

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"This is what happens when it takes TWO DAYS to judge an anti-caption contest."--Harry

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