al in la

Monday, June 30, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contes #434




















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Wake up you idiot, your dissertation on me is due in six hours."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been better if it said “book report” and Dorothy somehow resembled a 16 year old boy dressed like Dorothy, or maybe the lion looked like a 16-year old boy and Dorothy looked like Farah Fawcett. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Excellent, albeit confusing, cap, is all I'm trying to say.)
SECOND PLACE
You're dog was delicious. Now go fuck yourselves! Arghhh--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cruel but not entirely tasteless. Humor tip: Serve your guests chicken a la king and after they take a few bites say “Now tell me: Doesn't that taste just like chicken?” [My wife never gets tired of that one.])
THIRD PLACE
"Unless you intend on burning down Atlanta, you can kiss that Best Picture Oscar good-bye."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, GWTW edged Oz but Abba won a Grammy for best new act the same year Elvis Costello was nominated. Just sayin.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Well, well, what's signed, is signed; and what's to be, will be; and then again, perhaps it wont be, after all. Any how, it's all fixed and arranged a'ready; and some sailors or other must go with him, I suppose; as well these as any other men, God pity 'em! Morning to ye, shipmates, morning; the ineffable heavens bless ye; I'm sorry I stopped ye."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is probably from some place but I'm almost sure it's not from a Dylan song.)
"She’ll be standin’ on the bar soon
With a fish head an’ a harpoon
An’ a fake beard plastered on her brow
You’d better do somethin’ quick

She’s your lover now"
--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This IS from a Dylan song. Which, of course, I knew right away. )


"It is an evil voyage, I tell thee! Beware! There is a man along the way in large spectacles who will act under the pretense of saying farewell to the yellow brick road! Do not become his next candle in the wind!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever Elton John reference. True story: I once attended a “listening party” in an NYC recording studio for a new E.J. Album. As he sat down to play, there was a look of annoyance. With that snooty British accent of his, Sir Elton John said these words to me: “Please don't put your beer bottle on my piano.” [And no, he wasn't speaking in some kind of kinky code.] So I, an absolute nobody, was actually scolded by one of rock's greatest legends. I'll carry that with me forever.)
"When you see him, tell him not to post those RIP comics that are designed to push down the unjudged!"-NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only one who can push you down is you, Tex. Oprah has spoken about this often.)
"Because because because because because!"--Why Won't Al Judge? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because of the wonderful things I do, I suppose.)
"Hast thou seen the White Male? You know, alinla?"

--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If coming up for air means I'll be attacked by semen, I say “No thanks!” Reminds me of another story: During an interview, a retailer in Canada once told me he recently started using an “old sailor” to get better prices. When he saw I was perplexed he tried to explain. “You know an 'old sailor...an OLD sailor'…or I guess what you would call a distributor. [Although he pronounced it “dis-try-bute-tor.”] The light came on and I said “Oh! You mean a 'WHOLEsaler.' To which he responded “Yeah...that's what I said 'an old-sailor.” True story.)      

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Monday, June 2, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Cap Contest # 431


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Bob and I are plotting to kill P.C. Vey. You in?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Aside from the obvious reference to Bob Dylan, this wins because I share the author's distain for P.C. Vey. It's about time someone said what everyone was thinking.)

SECOND PLACE

"Did you slip me a Roofie? I'm feeling light-headed."--Ahole McAvoy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty decent, pun-wise, because there is, evidently, a light affixed to his head. Extra credit for the anti-capper's first name.)

THIRD PLACE

Nice tits, Al.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link take us to a YouTube video that includes “AL in LA” in the headline. The “tits” part, I don't even want to go into. After reappearing to a warm reception, it was inevitable that Johnny would wear out his welcome.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Howdy, name's John Thomas."--Obligatory Dylan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References a bleak 1964 Dylan song about the sad life of coal miners, "North Country Blues." It is the only Dylan song where the narrator is a woman. She marries a guy named John Thomas who apparently would go on to attend a cocktail party with his miner's light still in place. More obscure than obligatory. Then as now, it is pointless to try and out-Dylan me.)

I do love that Dylan guy, my favorite being "One Headlight".--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A different kind of obscure. This references Jakob Dylan's great song “One Head Light.” Fun fact: Jakob toiled in obscurity until people found out his dad was THAT Dylan.)

"The cocktail hours here are obscene."--james (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great twist on an anti-cap classic. Nice job james—I also like the lower case letter. )

"I can hear the coins jingling in your pocket, Bob--well, Obama did promise change."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet another reference to Bob Dylan and a semi-classic. Fair enough.)


JohnnyB makes a cameo appearance and suddenly all the other anti-cap ledgends come out of the woodwork. They may not have been capping, but they were quietly observing...like the martians in War of the Worlds.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure. I guess. One of the most baffling aspects is this little blog is that it typically gets over 100 hits each day. [Go figure.] Often I am not one of them, but it does keep me engaged.)

Blog Archive

al in la

My Photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.