Sunday, July 29, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #344

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WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE 
"Oh, great. My balls itch."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oddly appropriate. Here's this guy hanging precariously from a building. If he gives his boys downstairs a scratch, he's liable to topple to a his death.  Made me laugh. Made Mrs. alinla laugh. Nuff said.) 

SECOND PLACE
Fucking 9-11 reenactors. I should have stuck with the Civil War.--Atta boy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If  you were thinking this would be rejected as "too soon"  you're mistaken. With the possible exceptions of cheap shots about me, Dylan or the Mets, nothing is off limits here. And far from mocking 9-11 victims this cap pokes fun at those who like to dress up and play solider. It also uses dark humor to remind us that the bottomless pit of horror that day included those poor souls who opted to leap instead of  burn. So, why didn't this win? The addition of the second sentence. It's a clumsy and unnecessary attempt to explain the cap. We all got it right away.

THIRD PLACE 
"Never, no matter how we look at it or when we do it, it will never, ever be funny".--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another buzz-kill cap that has some poignancy. The foursome with suicide notes in hand are set to off themselves--nothing funny there unless they're all Red Sox fans or Romney voters [See? I made it funny.]  A statement cap submitted by someone with the soul of a poet.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"HELP! ... Get his pecker off my woody!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks Doc for bringing the focus back where it should be: juvenile, low-brow humor and painful puns.) 


"My dentist on the 69th floor recommends a gargoyle as often as possible!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Possibly the worst pun ever entered in the history of this contest. That's like being the best short stop to ever come out of the Dominican Republic. )


"OK, I got the dirt from the eagle's nostril. What's next on the treasure hunt list?"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I think you mean scavenger hunt but let's not quibble.  This is probably the best effort to explain what they are doing out there. Next items on their list: lint from the navel of a psychopath and change for a dollar without making a purchase.) 

"Get me...P A N D O L P H ! "--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The ever-helpful Kathy provides a link to the cartoonist's blog.  Seems like a nice enough guy. Turns out he has done work for MAD magazine. I assume that's on his resume above the NYer stuff.) 

"What's that? You say they caught the guy who invented those Bob Dylan quotes?! --Phew, that was close!"--The Real Bobby D. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So what? A  guy got fired from the NYer for ripping off Dylan quotes or something. Reminded me: When I was a magazine editor I got a piece that began: "Someone once said 'The times they are a changin'. "  Let's just say I sent it back to the writer for sourcing, than had to fight with a copy editor who said  changin'  wasn't a word. Being editor of an obscure trade journal involves more  than press junkets and cocktail parties, you know. ) 

"I don't care that the South Tower just fell - this is our office now - get back to work. Just be thankful we ended up here."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This ridicules asshole bosses. The team here is probably working on an ad campaign for a product no one wants [once again Romney springs to mind]--but they're on deadline so.... ) 

"I've decided to leave the company to pursue other interests."--smuck(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Business journalists know that "left to pursue other interests" is corporate-speak for "got shit canned."  If they say the departure was  "mutually agreed upon" that means the exec was busted for a DWI with a gram of coke in his pocket and a transvestite hooker in his car.) 

Let me get this straight . If I let go, Mayor Bloomberg will catch me.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Only if you have a joint in your pocket, in which case, when he does catch you, you'll be made to empty your pockets. When the joint surfaces you'll be arrested for displaying marijuana in public. Under the direction of Mayor-for-life Bloomberg, the NYPD arrested more than 50,000 people this way last year. Readers of the NYer need not worry though. Overwhelming they were black and Hispanic young men.)

Tom: "One mediocre picture - Larry Crowne - and I'm 86ed with you assholes. Just Go With It was so bad, Jennifer and Adam are BOTH out here."
Seth Meyers: "Dragnet."
Tom: "What?"
Seth Meyers: "Dragnet sucked, too."
Tom: "You're fucking dead, Meyers...help me up?"
Seth: "No. But I'll catch you if I can."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of an impromptu meeting of actors who screwed the pooch career-wise. But the NYC setting makes no sense. It would be slightly whimsical  if they were lunching at some pretentious Hollywood eatery and this type of seating is now the best table they can get. ) 

"Chrysler, what an asset transfer to ease crude oil prices!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Nice spin on Christ what an asshole, but, tell me again, why are they sitting outside?) 


"Chrysler, what an asshole!"--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not nearly as good as the previous cap but less intellectually burdensome.) 
“Shut up, Bob, everyone knows this statue is a gryphon.”--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Since the original involved a clip-on parrot, the bird theme makes a little bit of sense--but not much.)

The aeries here are obscene--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Latin word aeries can meanair, atmosphere, ether, weather etc. It's also where the Irish airline Aer Lingus gets its name.  A bit of a reach, but  since  Johnny is never one to complain and remains a beloved figure in this contest we'll give him props.)

"I'm thinking of writing a letter to the editor."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Tim linked to a 1995 letter in the NY Times extolling the aesthetics of the Chrysler Building. It's a puffy ode crammed with superfluous language, hyperbole  and phrases favored by people trying to sound smart  [i.e. "the smaller--yet worthy--brother..."].  It definitely sounds like our Tim. And how's this for a smoking gun: It is signed by one "Tim Hanley, MANHATTAN."  This may be Tim's worst AND most revealing cap.) 

"Hey! How come that Margaret Bourke-White gets her own eagle head?!"--Kathy H 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a highly accomplished pioneering photographer she earned it--but you knew that already, didn't you Kathy?)  

"That idiot alinla told me you could see Vermont from here. WRONG!"---Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I never made such a claim but I will tell you this: The folks in Vermont can see NYC  just fine, and few if any would trade places with those they dismissively call "city-folk.") 










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81 comments:

boneguy said...

Let me get this straight . If I let go, Mayor Bloomberg will catch me.

Anonymous said...

"Could one of you get off your ass and help me?"

REX said...

"No, our names are not on the lay-off list--but don't you people get the sense we're being forced out?"

Anonymous said...

"And tell Lee Iococca, I'm the REAL 'Chrysler Fifth Avenue'!"

JohnnyB said...

Did you guys see that turtle fly by?

NJ-to-TX said...

"I blame that bitch Gozer."

Anonymous said...

"Okay, who put Vaseline on this fucker's beak!?"

JohnnyB said...

The aeries here are obscene.

JohnnyB said...

Apparently you are all unaware of the gravity of this situation.

Shelly said...

"OK, I got the dirt from the eagle's nostril. What's next on the treasure hunt list?"

boneguy said...

So that's 2 chicken salads on rye and one ham on wheat. I'll be right back.

Tim H, Kathy H and Anonymouse LLP said...

"Wait! Look! A block away! Is that the office of Tim H, Kathy H and Anonymouse LLP?? My God, it is! And they're a tri-headed monster!"

Tim H said...

"I'm thinking of writing a letter to the editor."

Anonymous said...

"Wherefore art thou Rachel?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I don't care that the South Tower just fell - this is our office now - get back to work. Just be thankful we ended up here."

Anonymous said...

"Chrysler, what an asset transfer to ease crude oil prices!"

Kathy H said...

"Hey! How come that Margaret Bourke-White gets her own eagle head?!"

Anonymous said...

"Bootstraps!? I'm not wearing boots!"

JohnnyB said...

Hurry up and finish your your suicide notes. I can't hang out here all day.

Anonymouse said...

"Hey, give me a hand! I'm gonna be late for tonight's cosutume party!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I don't know about you guys, but mine is a 'Subpoena Ad Undescended Testificandum'!"

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Tim H said...

"That idiot alinla told me you could see Vermont from here. WRONG!"

Kathy H said...

"Get me...P A N D O L P H ! "

boneguy said...

Next time I get an Evite for a
co-ed baby shower, I'm clicking "Maybe".

Dr Sumguy said...

"HELP! ... Get his pecker off my woody!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"What do you mean, Superman's flying coach now?"

The Real Bobby D. said...

"What's that? You say they caught the guy who invented those Bob Dylan quotes?! Phew, that was close!"

Anonymous said...

"Ok ok ok, but it's positively 42nd street down there."

Dex said...

“Shut up, Bob, everyone knows this statue is a gryphon.”

Richard H said...

"Chrysler, what an asshole!"

Satireguy said...

"I told you working at The New Yorker was dangerous."

Steve_O said...

"Hey! Get off my nose!"

boneguy said...

All in favor of approval of the preceding meeting's minutes of the Harold Lloyd Fan Club, say "Aye yai yai".

smuck said...

"I've decided to leave the company to pursue other interests."

Anonymouse said...

[Nod to smuck.]

"...and where the hell's my golden parachute?!"

smuck said...

"What color is it? Blue. I don't know. Just bring me my fucking parachute."

smuck said...

@ Anonymouse. Dang, I seriously didn't read your parachute one before posting mine.

Anonymouse said...

[De nada, smuck. De nada.]

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'll have the Bird's Nest Soup ... To go!"

Tim H said...

"Well, I don't care what anyone says. I'm calling it the Fiat Building!"

boneguy said...

Wrestling the Crazy Glue account from Draper, Sterling, Cooper and Pryce is beginning to get on my nerves.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, great. My balls itch."

Kathy H said...

"Yes, that's right. I said Edifice Complex!"

Anonymous said...

"Maybe if I drop in on alinla, we can get some winners for Contest #342."

Anonymous said...

“The elevator’s out and lunch break is almost over. I don’t have a choice.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Well, now I do know how to quit you, Ennis.”

---Jack Twist

Anonymous said...

"Leave me out of your faggy poetry slams!"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, it's not easy climbing to the top in the Big Apple. I've clawed and grasped, every damned step of the way. I'm not about to stop now, understand? Understand??? You'd better . . . uhhh . . . you do have room for me, don't you?"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"......you can have my 401K........you can fuck my wife!.....you can have my Hyundai......you can watch my dog fuck my wife!......"

Damon said...

Tom: "One mediocre picture - Larry Crowne - and I'm 86ed with you assholes. Just Go With It was so bad, Jennifer and Adam are BOTH out here."

Seth Meyers: "Dragnet."

Tom: "What?"

Seth Meyers: "Dragnet sucked, too."

Tom: "You're fucking dead, Meyers...help me up?"

Seth: "No. But I'll catch you if I can."

Atta boy said...

Fucking 9-11 reenactors. I should have stuck with the Civil War.

NAMBY said...

"The top executives all agree the committee on business ethics should meet outside the office. That's why."

Anonymous Coward said...

"Any chance we can switch from a FIFO to a LIFO seating system?"

Anonymouse said...

"Before I fall off, answer me one question: Who the hell is this Art Deco everyone's taking about?"

Anonymous said...

"Balls in your court!"

mel said...

"Next agenda item...who pissed off the boss?"

Don Jr. said...

"Never, no matter how we look at it or when we do it, it will never, ever be funny".

Anonymous said...

"One little two little three little Indians, Honnold's a fag."

Anonymous said...

"Until I die, 'till I die. But I'm still alive. And I'm here, to remind you, of the mess I'll make when I go away....."

Alanis

NJ-to-TX said...

"Casting call, role of a lifetime, my agent said. Well fuck him - he was right!"

REX said...

"Okay, let's begin our meeting of people who threaten suicide but never go through with it. Did everybody bring their note?"

Anonymous said...

"Would it matter if you knew I have Crohn's disease?"

JohnnyB said...

It is not me speaking, it is the pig in the cartoon saying, "alinla misunderstands my captions." But alinla misunderstood, proving the pig's point.

Anonymous said...

"Writers are worthless; I want a fucking suicide note with meaning"!

Anonymous said...

"If I hit the sidewalk the terrorists win!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"'The Eagle Has Landed' ... Right on my crotch!"

Anonymous said...

"Now, Do drones really need to kill Americans without a trial? Does the FBI and private enterprises need all access to our internet use? Tell Me?! Oh, and who forgot to get sugar for the coffee"?

Tad said...

"It's been almost 11 years. I guess they've stopped looking for us."

boneguy said...

You can't even kill yourself in this goddamn city without first getting a permit.

Anonymous said...

" ¡Ayúdame! Yo no hablo español! Me ayude!!! Sólo conozco me ayude Rhonda me saca de su corazón, NO!?"

Dex said...

"Paperless office?" We are "paper officeless!"

Anonymous said...

[Comment: I suspect that the 9-11 reenactors caption won't win, despite it being the only truly funny and tasteless one of the bunch.]

Anonymous said...

"Before I lose my gripe and plummet to a horrible death, please tell JohnnyB that alinla's comment, 'Maybe your captions have no point." could be a response to the pig making this complaint. Either way you sound somewhat defensive. Also I think all entries should come in the form of a cap...aaaahhhh!!!!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And World Peace"!

Anonymous said...

"However, the execution of a perfect landing is preceded by seven seconds of terror."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"All together now: 'Sitting all day in pigeon shit is not on my bucket list.'"

Anonymous said...

"Now that we are non-union, I want everyone to use this sandpaper to take this dull patina off".

Anonymous said...

"Time to pull the ole pink slip and fall."

Dr Sumguy said...

"My dentist on the 69th floor recommends a gargoyle as often as possible!"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"At least we got the bronze."

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.