Monday, July 23, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #343















WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE 
Stay right here. I have to zip over to Gesthemene to pick up crazy Jew who thinks he's God.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The bible says Gesthemene was the garden where Jesus and his crew hung.  Judas knew this and tipped off the cops--the rest is history. [Remarkably, at the time it was a crime to claim you were God. Now, it's a career move.] This is all explained in the Dylan song "In The Garden." )

SECOND PLACE
If we're not home by midnight, this thing turns into a Pontiac Aztek."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Car buffs will be impressed. The 2001 Aztek was one of the most ill-fated car intros since the Edsel. Dan Neil, the only car critic to ever win a Pulitzer, said it "looks like  something that dogs bark at and cathedrals employ to ring bells." Nice esoteric reference, Damon.)

THIRD PLACE
"You say sex pervert. I say horse enthusiast."
["Borrowed" from The Rejection Collection, Vol.2: The Cream of the Crap.]--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A bit of a reach, but click the link and you'll learn the NYer considers as many as 500 cartoons and settles on about 20 that end up in the magazine.  Not surprisingly, many of those jettisoned are perfect Anti-Cap fodder, but nothing more.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Gladiator? He barely knew her!--Dex  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Slightly provocative but somewhat clumsy. The far more common -- and innocent -- derivation is "Tissue? I hardly know you."  To briefly translate for the pun-impaired, in this cap the man in the roman garb is "glad he ate her."  See? It's an oral sex reference. But who is making this comment. Why does his lack of familiarity with her mean he can't, you know.) 


"I know it has been a long time that is why I have come back from the future to get you and yes I have the key to that chastity belt".--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slightly cute and if you look closely, the woman's hands seem to be awkwardly positioned it a manner  that is--I'm guessing-- consistent with the wearing of a chastity belt. But if he is from the future, why is he dressed as though he is from the past? Answer me that, why don't you?)
"If you're an Islanders fan, come with me. I know the way to the Coliseum."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If you are an Islander's fan you probably know that as a Rangers fan, I grew up hating your team the way Holocaust survivors hate Nazis [Which, by the way, is 1/100th of the hatred I feel for the Flyers.] And yes, I still say Potvin sucks.)



"I've been searching through the ages for the woman of my dreams; come away with me, for now I know you've always Ben Hur."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure he dresses weird and makes asshole puns, but upon hearing this she weighs her options and asks, "Come away? Where?" She's pushing 40, has a dead-end job and no prospects.  She' s open to the offer but wants to know what kind of clothes to bring.)

"Look, Mrs. alinla, once you, al and I get through the Lincoln Tunnel, California is just 87 days away. I mean, those idiots waiting for results of the Anti-Cap Contest will just have to deal with it."--Spart A. Cuss (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A couple of things: Mrs alinla was not with for my trip back east. When I flew back home direct from Kennedy, takeoff was around 11:30 am and I landed at LAX just after 2pm [yes I'm aware of the time change, but still.] Most important, I do not consider Anti-Cappers to be idiots. Ungrateful rabble whose ethics, standards and sense of decency has been compromised by cynicism and a persistent lack of talent, maybe, but there are no idiots here.)

Like I told the turtle and the pig---be patient, Rome wasn't built in a day."---blw  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could be a comment on the tardiness of the results. I have leaned that a better approach is to say nothing. Let people guess, worry and dread the day when their  volunteer Anti Cap judge is either dead or found something more worthwhile to do with his time [clubbing baby seals, say.]  Which will come first is anyone's guess.)


al,  Just want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This too could be another dig at the slowness of the results. Remember, sarcasm is the grumpy man's wit. )

"Hop in. You'd be an idiot to try and get a cab outside the Port Authority during rush hour."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While I was waiting, one of those 3-wheeled bicycle-cabs happened by and offered me a ride. I thought about it for a second or two but opted to walk. I would have felt like a total dick having some guy peddle me across town (and I would have been sheltered from the rain.) The point is I have my standards.)



84 comments:

JohnnyB said...

Your tires have been replaced with Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but fear not, we can take my chariot.

JohnnyB said...

Your car has been flattened by some unseen force, but fear not, we can take my chariot.

Shelly said...

"Fusillia, you crazy bitch! How are you planning to get to VII XI?"

JohnnyB said...

Amor mea, nos fabrefacta humilis In currum dulcis venit sumptis te domum.

Dex said...

Gladiator? He barely knew her!

Dex said...

Radiator? Gladiator!

Angus Podgorny said...

Four heads, ten front legs, and I'm not wearing sunglasses because my shades aren't drawn!

Angus Podgorny said...

Who cares why the funeral parlor is advertising brotherhood? Let's go grab a hot dog.

Anonymous said...

"Hop in. You'd be an idiot to try and get a cab outside the Port Authority during rush hour."

Jim Cavanaugh

Damon said...

"If we're not home by midnight, this thing turns into a Pontiac Aztek."

Steve_O said...

"Does this skirt make me look gay?"

boneguy said...

You're a fool to leave home without a tire scythe.

boneguy said...

What I said was, "Let's go to the colosseum and see someone eaten by some really big pussy."

boneguy said...

Stay right here. I have to zip over to Gesthemene to pick up crazy Jew who thinks he's God.

boneguy said...

Stay right here. I have to zip over to Gesthemene to pick up some crazy Jew who thinks he's God.

boneguy said...

Caesar isn't dead twenty minutes and they've named a salad after him.

Shelly said...

"May I bring you to a horse race? They need one more nag in the 3rd at Aqueduct."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm from Enterprise Rent-A-Car, and I'm afraid this is the only vehicle we had left!"

Don Jr. said...

"I know it has been a long time that is why I have come back from the future to get you and yes I have the key to that chastity belt".

NJ-to-TX said...

"Come with me. I have the precursor to modern date rape drugs."

High Res said...

[Better image: http://www.newyorker.com/images/2012/07/30/p465/120730_contest_p465.jpg]

High Res said...

[Better image: http://www.newyorker.com/images/2012/07/30/p465/120730_contest_p465.jpg]

Tim H said...

"Why do they call me Sweet Chariot? It's because I'm a boxer and I'm always swinging low."

Anonymouse said...

"Ben Hur? I hardly knew her."

Kathy H said...

"...did you hear me? I said, 'four horsepower. FOUR HORSEPOWER!'"

smuck said...

"I like horses."

Tim H said...

"I assure you, madam, that the pooper-scooper laws around here are very lax."

Shelly said...

"I've been searching through the ages for the woman of my dreams; come away with me, for now I know you've always Ben Hur."

boneguy said...

So what if I'm quadrupled parked? You were galloping in a slow trotting zone.

Anonymouse said...

"Look, Mrs. alinla, once you, al and I get through the Lincoln Tunnel, California is just 87 days away. I mean, those idiots waiting for results of the Anti-Cap Contest will just have to deal with it."

Kathy H said...

"Hurry up! It's Roman Heritage Night at Citi Field!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Psst RUSTY ... The minute we get going ... Do your 'Explosive Diarrhea Thing!"

Spart A. Cuss said...

"Look, lady, I'm just doing what I'm told. 'Ceasar! Ceasar!', they said".

Trojan Hoss said...

"All the other guys called her a pig. Yet and still, he was glad-he-ate-'er."

boneguy said...

They run on alfalfa and water. If that ain't a hybrid I don't know what is.

smuck said...

"Sure it's got crumple zones. They're called horses."

Dr Sumguy said...

"We'll get you there in no time! The Macaw on the top of my head, does a great Police Siren imitation!"

Steve_O said...

"Does this skirt make my ass look big?"

Anonymous said...

"It seems like a millennia that I've been without wheels . . . I can't afford the fine and they've attached one of those Perugia boots to it . . . I'm screwed."


---left coast wayne

NJ-to-TX said...

"Si vis vivere mecum!"

Anonymous said...

"Prevent accidents. Use a Trojan.

Jim Cavanaugh

Don Jr. said...

"Honey, those are wild horses and it may look like a chariot but it is also a small row boat. If we leave right now we can make Dallas before night fall... Por favor".

Dr Sumguy said...

"Psst ... RUSTY ... Are you Sleeping Standing Up? ... RUSTY ... Neigh!"

smuck said...

"Welcome to Caesar's Palace. Valet parking is 5 bucks."

JohnnyB said...

Shut up,Barbara. Everyone knows your chariot's a citroen.

Tim H said...

"C'mon, we're all demonstrating in front of the Verizon headquarters because of their Roman charges."

Kathy H said...

"Hurry up! I gotta get these horses back to the Basilica San Marco!"

Anonymous said...

"Yea, I am her pimp! You want some of this whore you have to pay me because she cannot get enough of my pippin pussy slide hat".

Anonymous said...

"Loins or lions?"

S.E. Darii said...

"What the fuck am I suppose to do, Lady! I'm driving behind some horses' ass."

Anonymous said...

"Just be patient . . . He said he'd be out in a millennia or two."


---left coast wayne

Anonymouse said...

"No, no, no! Tragedy's tomorrow. It's comedy tonight!"

Anonymous Coward said...

"Let me show you the Appian way, baby."

Angus Podgorny said...

At Chick-fil-A, we also believe in traditional carriage.

Satireguy said...

"I don't make the rules, lady. Ya gotta take the first cab in the line."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Ignore my T-shirt ... 'If You Can Read This - The Bitch Fell Off'!"

Don Jr. said...

"I am taking you away from here to the next story board over".

Anonymouse said...

"You say sex pervert. I say horse enthusiast."

["Borrowed" from The Rejection Collection, Vol.2: The Cream of the Crap.]

Anonymous said...

"Caesar said to bring back Genghis Khunt....or wait, he may have said Humongous Khunt. Either way...."

Anonymous said...

"You won't believe some of the spearchuckers we've caged at the coliseum."

Anonymous said...

"I bought you fucking dinner! Get in the fucking chariot!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Come on! We need to find Bill & Ted or history will be cha...unless we go back further in time and then really fuck everything up."

Anonymous said...

"Like I told the turtle and the pig---be patient, Rome wasn't built in a day."


---blw

Don Jr. said...

"She is mine; stay in your car or I’ll be going medieval on you".

boneguy said...

Great dinner. What say we catch Chariots of Fire or Roman Holiday?

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Sorry to rear end you, ma'am. Maybe I should put on some pants."

Anonymous said...

"Do you know why I pulled you over, bent you over and fondled you all over?"

Satireguy said...

"But mine has IV horsepower and II-wheel drive."

Anonymous said...

al,
Just want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

"C'mon, lend me a Denarius or two so I can get outta' here, babe. Wasn't I worth it???"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.”

---Jack Twist

boneguy said...

Look who's calling who a skirt chaser!

Anonymous said...

"No she is not working; we all have to go to therapy for abandonment issues".

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"We can pick up some Trojans along the way."

boneguy said...

Sorry, but I gotta run. Turtle hunting season opens today.

Anonymous said...

"But I got free tickets to the Caesarean section."

Tim H said...

"Hey, here's the beauty part: I take Metrocard."

Satireguy said...

"If you're an Islanders fan, come with me. I know the way to the Coliseum."

boneguy said...

Really Russell, could you at least for our date, come out of character?

Dr Sumguy said...

"3 Denarius to start, and then 2 Denarius per mile. ... Christians get a 10% discount!"

Anonymous said...

"You might remember me from "Taxicab Confessions' episode three, where I had outragious sex with the 'Black Stallion'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Even Steven, pink slip for pink slip, and I'll throw in the Macaw!"

Mike Cornelia said...

He could get home faster using home direct amazon. Much safer route.

Cummings said...

"I am taking you away from here to the next story board over".

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.