Sunday, August 19, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #346





















WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Judas!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This is what a fan shouted at Dylan years ago when he "went electric," so it panders to my well established bias. It also seems to be a statement about the dishonesty of politicians. In essence it says an angel would have to betray his angelic qualities to run for office--and the other angels would heckle him for it. Or maybe Judas made it to heaven after all and is now running for something.  No doubt he dismisses questions about betraying Jesus as "ancient history" and "a distraction." There's a lot here is what I'm saying.)





SECOND PLACE 
"He is a Materialist and thinks he is in Hell".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Not really funny, but deep. Is heaven really an idyllic paradise where there are no possessions, conflict or cable TV? Or is it like the VIP room at an award show: plenty of cool free stuff, giggly women in cocktail dresses and, of course, a buffet with open bar? Someone who enjoys that type of paradise would probably hate the heaven we've heard about. That's the take away here.)
THIRD PLACE
Did you notice his halo is pure gold? Those fucking Koch brothers are everywhere.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical, but they would be more inclined to  spend millions convincing voters his opponent is Satan.  You could do the same thing if you had their money so it's just a matter of free speech, that's what the Koch Gang would tell you anyway.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS

I thought once you got here there wouldn't be anymore "come to Jesus" meetings.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a child I wondered if people in heaven had to go to church or if maybe it was like going to a mass that never ends.  Like most I always assumed that there would be no politicians.)

It's easy to see without looking too far that not much is really sacred.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reading this Dylan line while watching the Republicans on C-SPAN gives it added meaning. The same song says "Old lady judges watch people in pairs, limited in sex they dare to push fake morals insult and stare. Money doesn't talk it swears..." Remarkably, the house band at the convention is led by G.E. Smith, who toured as a member of Dylan's band in the late 80's. [If it's any consequence, he looks absolutely embarrassed to be entertaining the GOP.])

"Call me sentimental, but I miss the good old days when 88-year-old Jews in Florida would mistakenly vote for Pat Buchanan for President."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the 2000 election and Florida's infamous butterfly ballot. As we now know, it led to thousands being killed in Iraq and the toppling of the U.S. economy. Eight years later it also led to the tennis courts at the White House being replaced with basketball courts--so there was ultimately an upside.)

In Republican heaven, it's never too late to gut Medicare.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The trick is to gut it while claiming to save it. Everyone knows Mitt's wings are a clip on.)

"We've got eternal bliss and this guy wants change?"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another obvious reference to the pampered elite who want change the way mice want cats.)

"'Help the poor'? What kind of socialist crap is he preaching?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the other guy whispers back: "Just shut-up and nod politely. He's only saying that to get soccer moms. Believe me, when he gets in, he'll play ball." )

"Of course we all want to cut benefits for the poor. He's just preaching to the choir."--REX(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds us that there are those who believe we should screw-the-poor religiously. As Mao said: "Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun."  And guns, of course, are not cheap.)

"I hear he's in the pocket of Halo Shampoo."-Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach but there is a very old shampoo by that name. Those who buy politicians want a lot more than signage. Also, if you accuse a politician of being in someone's "pocket" you're supposed to add the word "big," as in "Big Tobacco," "Big Labor" or [if you're Chris Christie] "Big Mac." )

"I don't care if he's dead. The Village People said he can't use Y.M.C.A. in his campaign."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Village People never struck me as a group that would take a principled stand. Still, Jackson Browne successfully sued the McCain campaign for using "Running on Empty" in an anti-Obama ad. Tom Petty used the threat of legal action to stop W.  from using "I Won't Back Down." For Romney, I'd suggest The Dead's "Friend of the Devil" but that's way too cool for him.)



"Why the hell won't he produce his long-form death certificate?"--
NJ-to-TX 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: My father would say: "He's a politician, so he's probably just brain dead!" [R.I.P. dad. Gone but not forgotten.] )


"The orators here aren't obscene."--



Anonymouse 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why do we assume you can't curse in heaven? Just another classic twisted beyond recognition.)

“Well, time may not exist for us anymore, but listening to this crap still makes the hours here obscene.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He HAS wings. Why doesn't he just fly away and maybe swing back later? If I couldn't toggle over to ESPN, HBO, etc., there is no way I could watch the Republican Convention.)

"Some guy in Chicago is going to cast my ballot. You?"--


Hypocritical Idiot 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: So... even though he practiced deception and committed voter fraud, the Pearly Gates still swung open and he was issued a set of wings? It would seem the corruption goes even higher up than I suspected.)

"Well, they always said that in Cook County, Illinois, you could vote for a dead guy."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Minutes later Tim scrambled back and added "...or, a dead guy could vote for you. Either way." No Tim. "Either way" does not cut it. Please read the following very carefully: Voting for a dead guy makes no sense because he'd be dead. Having a living person vote for the guy in the cartoon makes no sense because he too is dead. In your eagerness to make a commentary about voter fraud you opted for an urban legend instead of current events.) 

Why not Bil Keane?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A quasi-classic that makes sense because Mr. Keane is no longer with us. Luckily, Johnny is alive and well and cranking out Anti-Caps like this one.)

"Why should we vote? The winner will be randomly selected two weeks late."--


Anonymous 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because even those recognized belatedly are still entitled to all the perks and privileges Anti-Cap winners enjoy.) 

102 comments:

boneguy said...

Electoons here are different. We can only cast late ballots.

REX said...

"Of course we all want to cut benefits for the poor. He's just preaching to the choir."

NJ-to-TX said...

"'Pleased to meet you, hope you know my name'? Who is he?"

JohnnyB said...

Christ: What an asshole.

boneguy said...

In Republican heaven, it's never too late to gut Medicare.

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, right. 'All of my wildest dreams will come true.' How derivative."

Anonymouse said...

"I hear he's in the pocket of Halo Shampoo."

Anonymous Coward said...

"Why was he allowed to bring his soapbox?"

Jess said...

"Then he says to me: 'No Mr. Bond, I expect you die.' Then he killed me. That's the last thing I remember...You?"

Angus Podgorny said...

It's easy to see without looking too far that not much is really sacred.

Anonymous said...

"It's Todd Akin. He's running on a platform that includes blaming rape victims for their own pregnancies. Christ, what an asshole."

Angus Podgorny said...

Just once I'd like to see one of them promise to stop genocide from ever happening again.

Dr Sumguy said...

"And ... 'A Morsel of Bread in Every Pot' (Belly)!"

mel said...

"Wow. There really ARE no black people in heaven."

boneguy said...

Every so often I hope for a fly-by shooting.

Tim H said...

"Well, they always said that in Cook County, Illinois, you could vote for a dead guy."

Tim H said...

"...or, a dead guy could vote for you. Either way."

F. Zakaria said...

"Yeah. I agree with Satireguy in the Bonus Anti-Cap Contest: 'I'm getting really tired of his holier-than-thou schtick.'"

JohnnyB said...

Why not Bil Keane?

JohnnyB said...

Where does Abraham get off asking us all to make more sacrifices.

Dr Sumguy said...

"And ... As my running mate ... Helen Gurley Brown!"

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"Some guy in Chicago is going to cast my ballot. You?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I don't care if he's dead. The Village People said he can't use Y.M.C.A. in his campaign."

Kathy H said...

"Call me sentimental, but I miss the good old days when 88-year-old Jews in Florida would mistakenly vote for Pat Buchanan for President."

boneguy said...

Elections here are different. We can only cast late ballots.

boneguy said...

Did you notice his halo is pure gold? Those fucking Koch brothers are everywhere.

Anonymouse said...

"The orators here aren't obscene."

DIck C. said...

"I'll give him this: He's got a good beat and you can dance to him."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Why the hell won't he produce his long-form death certificate?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I hear he represents both District IV, 'Pro-life', AND District V, 'Pro-choice'!"

Anonymous said...

Another election? You sure we aren't in Hell?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Frankly, I'd like to see his tax returns. I hear he made an ungodly amount of money last year."


---left coast wayne

Dr Sumguy said...

"The obscured word ... Wait ... Wait for it ...... 'NOTHING'!"

Satireguy said...

"I'm getting really tired of his holier-than-thou schtick."

Dex said...

"We've got eternal bliss and this guy wants change?"

NAMBY said...

"I'm not surprised. One of his wives was telling me that he needs to reach out to evangelicals to win."

Clarence on Clearance said...

this douche is running on a wing and a prayer
(can you say douche in He
a
v
e
n
n
n
n!)

Damon said...

"It was this long, and thick as hellllllllloo...this isn't the Castro Hilton?"

Don Jr. said...

"Somebody should tell him it is a one party system".

Anonymous said...

"They let one evil guy in; they had to let them all in".

boneguy said...

That's the same asshole who told me the love of God was more powerful than my insulin.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I did not have sex with that woman!"

Tim H said...

"I've known that idiot since he was a cherubim."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Read my lips, no more skyjackes"!

mel said...

"I thought this was the 'Kingdom of God,' not the 'Republic of Asshole."

Kathy H said...

"I understand that his hologram is much more charismatic."

Anonymous said...

"Narcissism is no longer considered a mental disorder so, what could they do"?

Tim H said...

"I hated him when he played on the Los Angeles Angels. I hated him when he played on the California Angels. I hated him when he played on the Anaheim Angels. And I especially hated him when he played on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim."

Anonymouse said...

"I was gonna vote for him until he uttered one word in one sentence on one day."

Anonymous said...

I thought once you got here there wouldn't be anymore "come to Jesus" meetings.

mel said...

"I've seen it and it's not even half that long."

Anonymous said...

"You rape him and I'll legitimately rape him and we'll see if he can tell the difference."

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Will someone tell al that now is not the time to be looking for meaningful work?

JohnnyB said...

Not a caption - just a news story:
I think someone is trying to imitate a recent caption contest
http://news.yahoo.com/turtle-taped-balloons-floats-over-calif-city-052300135.html

Kathy H said...

"Do we really have to know that his favorite band was Wings?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Judas!"

Tim H said...

"Yeah, well, the latest Quinnipiac University poll says that 93% of registered voters think he's a 'certified asshole.'"

Anonymouse said...

"He doesn't speak to me, y'know, as a dead guy."

Dex said...

"He has a Fine Arts degree from The College of Joseph and Mary."

NJ-to-TX said...

"We're just damn lucky we have no Hitler youth up here."

Austin said...

I know he was born again, but I still don't see why we had to let Jeff Dahmer in.

Kathy H said...

"Rousing gospel songs are O.K., I guess. But, for my money, give me some plain old Gregorian chant."

mel said...

"I hear his halo is a clip on."

The late Karl Rove said...

I say we go see Adelson in Jew heaven
and get the ball rolling on deep sixing this socialist do-gooder motherfucker.

Tim H said...

"Vox populi, my ass!"

Dominic Vobiscum said...

"Et cum spiritu tuo, scumbag!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"What the hell are we gonna do with 72 virgins, anyway?"

Anonymous said...

"Goddammit, Chad, you're suppose to to run a buttonhook!"

Dr Sumguy said...

Hallelujah, Praise the Lord! Mit'n Paul Taco Truck FOR SALE! Flip-up Pro-life shade, catering, mad cow hotdogs and more!

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, GOP may look like GOD, but, believe me, they're still hella' far apart."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Well, time may not exist for us anymore, but listening to this crap still makes the hours here obscene.”


---blw

Shelly said...

"The NRA lobby goes on even up here, and down there we get Colorado, Wisconsin and now New York- will they ever learn.......??

mel said...

"My screening was interrupted too. How did Batman end?"

Anonymous said...

"Hell's Angel".

Anonymous said...

As far as I'm concerned he's just another failed 9-11 reenact-or.

Dr Sumguy said...

"All those in favor of 'Cloud Computing', tilt your halo!"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...


"I wish the clouds would dissipate so we could see his name."

Richard H said...

"There's one fucker who wants to pave paradise and put up a parking lot"

Richard H said...

CORRECTED:

"There's always one fucker who wants to pave paradise and put up a parking lot"

Richard H said...

"I don't know about you, but I like the healthcare we're currently getting"

Anonymous said...

"He is a Materialist and thinks he is in Hell".

Anonymous said...

"'Help the poor'? What kind of socialist crap is he preaching?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I vote we dump our wings and halo, and go for a Big Mac!"

Damon said...

"Fuck you - I'm an anteater!"

Anonymous said...


"Now he's one of the Former Day Saints."

Anonymous said...

"Vote for heaven's sake? Kind of an ambiguous message there."

Anonymous said...

"Where does he stand on pregnant women and forcible labor?"

Anonymous said...

"They say he is Charismatic."

Anonymous said...

"Even if he does show us his tax returns, that won't tell us anything about all of his off-cloud accounts."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Is 'legitimate' rape something we need to worry about up here?"


---left coast wayne

Al Roker said...

He's using his arms to whip up a tropical depression just in time for Tampa.

Satireguy said...

"If this is heaven, I'd hate to see what hell is like."

Anonymous said...

"I guess Paul would have got in if he stayed Saul and Rose could have got in if he never managed".

Anonymous said...

"Why should we vote? We already know the outcome of everything".

Anonymous said...

"Why should we vote? The winner will be randomly selected two weeks late."

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