Sunday, August 26, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #347












WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"I told him to tail you, honey."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The word "tail" could mean "follow closely" which would explain the trench coat and fedora. But since they are in bed--and this is the Anti-Cap--there is probably a sexual connotation. So here's the theory: She is a devotee of anal sex but that is not one of his core competencies so he farms it out. [Using an ad in Craig's List, I'm guessing.] He said "tail" because it sounds more civilized than "butt fuck."  That explain it?)
SECOND PLACE
“I have to go to the bathroom, so remember—no funny stuff while I’m gone.”-Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Say? What's the big idea? Wouldn't the guy in the middle say something like that. Also just to be clear: the no-funny-stuff rule does not apply to the Anit-Cap contest --although some clearly think it does.)
THIRD PLACE
What makes you think you're being followed?"--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If only this said "tailed" instead of "followed" we would once again have the sex aspect. We'll have to settle for the tried and true irony of a clueless hubby missing the obvious and a veteran Anti-Capper eking out a Bronze Metal.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I told you we should have read the entire Republican platform before voting for Romney/Ryan"--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cautionary cap that  projects one possible future. Even so, the danger is not that Romney Rule will intrude into the bedroom. This might be more effective if they were sleeping in a shelter or she was turning tricks while he was cooking up a batch of meth in the kitchen. For many, that's the greater risk.) 
"I told you it wasn't a great idea to wear that Che Guevara t-shirt."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even the hardliners will see that as a whimsical fashion statement. When you are working at a low paying job with no benefits they often don't care what you wear.)
"Then take your fucking birth control pills."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The women, it seems, has asked the guy in the middle to serve as kind of a human chastity belt. Seems a long way to go. I think we can agree that if he just stood next to the bed watching them it would be an equally effective disincentive. Also, "Fucking birth control pills" seems either redundant or contradictory. I'm not sure which.)
"I get this sneaking suspicion that you're having an affair..."--
Eric G 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Again with the clueless husband. I can just hear her response: "Oh, don't be ridiculous, darling. Carlos was simply teaching me the horizontal mambo." )


He said something about 'Going to the Mattresses'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENt: Entered literally within 30 seconds of the contest being posted, this references a line from "The Godfather." That--and only that--is what it has going for it. Once again I urge entrants to spend at least 60 seconds thinking of  a cap before posting something that will be read by as many as a dozen people over the course of  several days.) 




"Your Mother?!? Really"?--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...her mother is in bed with them and is dressed in men's clothing. Should we assume he is saying "Really?" as an expression of  surprise and disgust? Or maybe it's his birthday and this is the sexual fantasy he has long craved. He could be saying "Really?" because he can't believe his good fortune. If memory serves, Jerry Springer did a show build around this theme.  It's a lot more common than you might think.)

"You know ... This is going to really fuck up our 'SLEEP NUMBER' settings!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to an adjustable bed with different firmness settings for each side. Having a third person would be awkward--and that's before you even get into the issue of  who's hogging the sheets.) 




"No, tell me. Did he suck my cock last night, or did you?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you have to ask you really don't what to know. )
"I knew these luxury suites at Citi Field had everything. But, R.A.Dickey?!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm beginning to detect in Kathy an obsession with the knuckle-ball hurling renaissance man from Tennessee. A great guy but he is powerless to stop the Washington Nationals from winning the division.)
"Ilsa, honey? Don't you think your friend Rick might be more comfortable in the guest room? "--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a string of caps that suggest the man in the middle is Humphrey Bogart. In Casablanca, Rick (Bogie) came between Ilsa and her husband Victor. This cap illustrates that, albeit in a heavy-handed way. )
I swear dear, once he finds the Maltese Falcon, he will be outta here.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He's not going to find it just lying there. Maybe he has a different agenda.)
"Here's looking at your kid"--humphrey B (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And she's like: "You do realize there is a strange man in our bed, right?")

Here's lurking at your kid --Bogphey Humpgart (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Much better even though the signature is confusing and the quote marks are missing.)
I believe this is known as a "double Bogie"--Mr Hasntsunkaputtinawhile (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet we see only one Bogie. A worthwhile but flawed effort.)

"Really? He double bogeyed the first hole?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This would have had far more Anti-Cap cred if the setting was the White House bedroom and it was Barack saying this to Michele. Alas, with out those tasteless elements it's just a bit better then the last cap.)
"Does Netflix have HD or does Netflix have HD?!"--Phillip Marlowe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Am I the only one who thinks that when this long-awaited technology finally arrives, its most popular application will involve adult oriented material?)

"Just put your lips together and blow him."--Lauren Guffaw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Say what? If she puts her lips together the only thing she'll be able to blow is a clarinet. It's like telling her to put the cap back on the whiskey bottle before taking a swig. This is counter intuitive at best. 

"Don't bogart that Bogart, honey."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Bogie didn't strike me as the type guy who'd do a broad than do the broad's husband. But admittedly many Hollywood icons led very secretive lives back in the day.)

I see the shadow of a man, baby, making you blue. Who is he, baby, and what's he to you?--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our requisite Dylan reference. This is from "Something's Burning, Baby," which appears on the highly forgettable 1985 album "Empire Burlesque." Even so, the quote I use in my blog bio, "What looks large from a distance, up close ain't ever that big," is from that same album--different song though. )


"It’s bad enough you bring another man into our bed but did you have to get one from another artist's comic strip"?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  There is a germ of humor here but it is not a comic strip it is a cartoon, and the word "artist's" is unnecessary. Maybe some kind of Dick Tracy/Chickweed Lane cross pollination would have worked--just saying'. )

Yes, I said we would kill a hobo; that doesn't mean we can't have fun with him first.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Unless we are to believe he wants a three-way with his wife and some smelly homeless guy, I'm assuming that by "fun" he means torture and dismember. And even if "fun" means they play charades or Monopoly before they waste him, they're still sick sadistic psychopaths. Either way, the usually tepid JohnnyB offers a surprisingly dark and gruesome entry.)





Suck-up Dylan Caption #362 :"His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean. And you're the best thing that he's ever seen."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Your loyalty is noted comrade.  It's interesting to note that the song in question, Lay Lady Lay, is not a plea for sex it's basically a wing-man's pitch: "Excuse me, miss? Why don't you go have sex with that guy over there with the dirty clothes and clean  hands..." This demonstrates Dylan's magnanimous spirit, unlike more self absorbed please-have-sex-with-me! songs like "Let's Get it On," or Zepplin's "Whole Lotta Love" [which, by the way, includes the line "Gonna give you every inch of my love" without ever noting how many inches are being offered up.] I prefer the word "tribute" to "suck-up" by the way.)

"There were three in the bed and the little one said "Roll over, roll over." So they all rolled over and....wait! Am I the only one who knows the words to this song?"--Nova (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Entered on behalf of  a beautiful 19-month old who is disinterested in random internet surfing, and even less so in the goings-on of the Anti-Cap. A quick study who is uninhibited about expressing her dissatisfaction, she has come to associate grandpa's lap with grandpa's laptop and is now hip to the magic of  YouTude. [Type in "Elmo" and you get over 50,000 hits.] She has taken a fancy to the "Ten in the Bed" song [224 hits] that inspired this cap. I personally find it highly repetitive and a little creepy. Still, it's a well established children's classic, so when she demanded that we watch it for the fifth consecutive time, I did't ask why there were ten in the bed. I just did what the little one said.)



99 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"He said something about 'Going to the Mattresses'!"

Don Jr. said...

"Your Mother?!? Really"?

NAMBY said...

"Worst...sexual...surrogate...EVER!"

Anonymous said...

"The rash on my chest is not contagious".

Anonymous said...

"You are just going to have to trust me that I do not love my wife".

Dr Sumguy said...

"Ignore him! He is 'Nothing'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"You know ... This is going to really fuck up our 'SLEEP NUMBER' settings!"

REX said...

"Ilsa, honey? Don't you think your friend Rick might be more comfortable in the guest room? "

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, tell me. Did he suck my cock last night, or did you?"

Shelly said...

"I get the distinct feeling something's cum between us."

Anonymous said...

"I told him to tail you, honey."

boneguy said...

I swear dear, once he finds the Maltese Falcon, he will be outta here.

boneguy said...

The GOP sent him. He'll be with us for the next nine months to ensure our zygote makes it to term.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Tell me about your 'Weekend at Bernie's!"

Steve_O said...

"I've got a hilarious comment to make about our friend, if only I could figure out if he was a spy, a flasher, or Dusty Hill from Z.Z. Top."

humphrey B said...

"Here's looking at your kid"

Bogphey Humpgart said...

Here's lurking at your kid

mel said...

"Congressman Akin's here just to ensure that what's about to happen to you is 'legitimate.'"

Tim H said...

"What? You've never heard of a ménage à fedora before?"

Anonymouse said...

"Let's play Telephone!"

Kathy H said...

"I knew these luxury suites at Citi Field had everything. But, R.A.Dickey?!"

Kathy H said...

He's obviously working...(wait for it)... undercover."

Kathy H said...

[Oops. I meant...]

"...undercover."

Steve_O said...

"But, honey...you said I could be on the down-low as long as I was discreet."

Steve_O said...

"He's investigating the truck that crashed here a while back."

Tim H said...

"Don't you remember? The only way I could get that great deal from Priceline® was if William Shatner could come along."

mel said...

"You're a whore."

boneguy said...

Isn't it time we buried your father?

boneguy said...

What makes you think you're being followed?

Richard H said...

"I told you we should have read the entire Republican platform before voting for Romney/Ryan"

Dex said...

“Just to warn you, he’s a private dick.”

Damon said...

"Then take your fucking birth control pills."

Dr Sumguy said...

"When they said our room wasn't quite ready, they weren't kidding!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Listen my friend ... Both of us snore and fart like crazy ... If you value your life ... Get out now!"

boneguy said...

So I owe the mob some money. Why are you making such a big deal about it?

Dr Sumguy said...

"And before I permit penetration, you'll have to solve this riddle ... 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could'?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I wish he were drawn better."

Anonymous Coward said...

"I asked him to find our lost intimacy."

Anonymous said...

"Why does this bed feel like a ski slope?"

Anonymous said...

"When you offered a threesome, this isn't quite what I had in mind."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“If you’re worried about getting pregnant, I’m sure your body has ways to stop it.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Why that side, Arlene? You know I'm right-handed."

Dr Sumguy said...

"So how was the 'Farewell Intercourse'?"

Anonymous said...

"If we have sex now we're both screwed."

Jess said...

"In Russia, 'The Man' gets screwed by you."

Tim H said...

"Honey, I think there's a burglar in the house!"

Kathy H said...

"You can leave your hat on."

Angus Podgorny said...

He's called Claude Funston for a reason.

Angus Podgorny said...

I see the shadow of a man, baby, making you blue. Who is he, baby, and what's he to you?

Anonymous said...

“I have to go to the bathroom, so remember—no funny stuff while I’m gone.”

Anonymous said...

[Scene from the Hemingway-inspired porno: "The Old Man and the C Cup."]

Anonymous said...

"I want you, I want you so bad, Honey, to be a blowin' me in the wind till my stones are rolling with no direction home."

Mr Hasntsunkaputtinawhile said...

I believe this is known as a "double Bogie"

Dr Sumguy said...

"You didn't tell me this was an 'AARP' affilliated hotel!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's a new fad ... 'London Fog' pajamas!"

Nova said...

"There were three in the bed and the little one said "Roll over, roll over." So they all rolled over and....wait! Am I the only one who know the words to this song?"

Tim H said...

"This reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode where a stranger in a trench coat, a beard and a hat gets in bed with a couple, and there's a cartoon artist also in the room taking it all in. Remember?"

Brad and Edie said...

"Heey Looook it's Bahhhb Dylaaaahn, leeeet's taaaake h-immm to the b-one ya-aaard."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He says he's the engineer for the 'Sleep Train' mattress company, and he would like you to blow his whistle!'

boneguy said...

Thanks for helping out hon. It's been hell since they cut funding to the morgue.

Anonymous said...

"ED happens to every guy sometimes."

Anonymous said...

"what does not having a lower torso have to do with anything?"

Eric G said...

"I get this sneaking suspicion that you're having an affair..."

Mike Brady said...

I suppose now is as a good a time as any to tell you: I'm gay.

Anonymous said...

"It’s bad enough you bring another man into our bed but did you have to get one from another artist's comic strip"?

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Under a Republican administration, his eyes will be privatized."

Jackie Gleason said...

"To the goon, Alice, to the goon!"

Anonymous said...

"Two guys with no legs will get you the same result as one guy with no legs ".

Jess said...

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to amscray. vamoose, beat it, hit the bricks, say goodbye, scram, shove off, vacate, vanish, withdraw..."

Anonymous said...

"Really? He double bogeyed the first hole?"

Mandingo said...

"When you said you wanted more noir in the bedroom, I was hoping you meant I could fuck a Negro."

Phillip Marlowe said...

"Does Netflix have HD or does Netflix have HD?!"

Lauren Guffaw said...

"Just put your lips together and blow him."

Psssst! Yeah, YOU! said...

"He was selling watches downstairs so I thought maybe you'd want to pick one yourself".

Anonymous said...

"Don't bogart that Bogart, honey."

boneguy said...

The " It's Raining Men Warehouse" had a two for one special today.

Anonymous said...

If Lawrence v. Texas had been decided differently: "He's from the government. Just here to make sure you're not a guy and I'm not doing you in the butt...It's Justice Scalia's idea."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I told you it wasn't a great idea to wear that Che Guevara t-shirt."

Satireguy said...

"He's an old fraternity brother from college. I hope you don't mind."

Satireguy said...

"He says he's from Homeland Security and he's here to help."

LR said...

"He brought a couple of midges, and a shitload of bedbugs- do you mind?"

Anonymous said...

"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."


---left coast wayne

Dex said...

"Bogart's dead, so I got Leon Redbone. We'll just have to make it work."

NJ-to-TX said...

"How is babby formed?"

Anonymous said...

Suck-up Dylan Caption #362

"His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen."

JohnnyB said...

Yes,I said we would kill a hobo; that doesn't mean we can't have fun with him first.

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what a filthy asshole.

JohnnyB said...

I am shocked ... SHOCKED ... to find this guy in my bed

Anonymous said...

"Alright, you can get a cat".

Anonymous said...

"No, he is not the same as porno".

Anonymous said...

"This not going to make it easier for us to adopt".

cubshlub said...

This marital aid looked better in the catalog

cubshlub said...

This is the last weekend we spend at Bernie's

Anonymous said...

"Honey, this is Ennis. He'd be a lot more comfortable dressed as a cowboy."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“It’s OK, honey, he’s inflatable. You can make him bigger if you want to.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

'I'm left, she's right and we have room on the bottome if you drop by in the middle of the night".

Anonymous said...

"If we are not doing anything wrong then we have nothing to worry about".

Anonymous said...

"No I am not going to skull fuck him just because he has a hole in his head".

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