New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #346

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Judas!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This is what a fan shouted at Dylan years ago when he "went electric," so it panders to my well established bias. It also seems to be a statement about the dishonesty of politicians. In essence it says an angel would have to betray his angelic qualities to run for office--and the other angels would heckle him for it. Or maybe Judas made it to heaven after all and is now running for something.  No doubt he dismisses questions about betraying Jesus as "ancient history" and "a distraction." There's a lot here is what I'm saying.)

SECOND PLACE 

"He is a Materialist and thinks he is in Hell".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Not really funny, but deep. Is heaven really an idyllic paradise where there are no possessions, conflict or cable TV? Or is it like the VIP room at an award show: plenty of cool free stuff, giggly women in cocktail dresses and, of course, a buffet with open bar? Someone who enjoys that type of paradise would probably hate the heaven we've heard about. That's the take away here.)

THIRD PLACE

Did you notice his halo is pure gold? Those fucking Koch brothers are everywhere.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical, but they would be more inclined to  spend millions convincing voters his opponent is Satan.  You could do the same thing if you had their money so it's just a matter of free speech, that's what the Koch Gang would tell you anyway.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

I thought once you got here there wouldn't be anymore "come to Jesus" meetings.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a child I wondered if people in heaven had to go to church or if maybe it was like going to a mass that never ends.  Like most I always assumed that there would be no politicians.)

It's easy to see without looking too far that not much is really sacred.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reading this Dylan line while watching the Republicans on C-SPAN gives it added meaning. The same song says "Old lady judges watch people in pairs, limited in sex they dare to push fake morals insult and stare. Money doesn't talk it swears..." Remarkably, the house band at the convention is led by G.E. Smith, who toured as a member of Dylan's band in the late 80's. [If it's any consequence, he looks absolutely embarrassed to be entertaining the GOP.])

"Call me sentimental, but I miss the good old days when 88-year-old Jews in Florida would mistakenly vote for Pat Buchanan for President."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the 2000 election and Florida's infamous butterfly ballot. As we now know, it led to thousands being killed in Iraq and the toppling of the U.S. economy. Eight years later it also led to the tennis courts at the White House being replaced with basketball courts--so there was ultimately an upside.)

In Republican heaven, it's never too late to gut Medicare.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The trick is to gut it while claiming to save it. Everyone knows Mitt's wings are a clip on.)

"We've got eternal bliss and this guy wants change?"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another obvious reference to the pampered elite who want change the way mice want cats.)

"'Help the poor'? What kind of socialist crap is he preaching?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the other guy whispers back: "Just shut-up and nod politely. He's only saying that to get soccer moms. Believe me, when he gets in, he'll play ball." )

"Of course we all want to cut benefits for the poor. He's just preaching to the choir."--REX(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds us that there are those who believe we should screw-the-poor religiously. As Mao said: "Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun."  And guns, of course, are not cheap.)

"I hear he's in the pocket of Halo Shampoo."-Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach but there is a very old shampoo by that name. Those who buy politicians want a lot more than signage. Also, if you accuse a politician of being in someone's "pocket" you're supposed to add the word "big," as in "Big Tobacco," "Big Labor" or [if you're Chris Christie] "Big Mac." )

"I don't care if he's dead. The Village People said he can't use Y.M.C.A. in his campaign."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Village People never struck me as a group that would take a principled stand. Still, Jackson Browne successfully sued the McCain campaign for using "Running on Empty" in an anti-Obama ad. Tom Petty used the threat of legal action to stop W.  from using "I Won't Back Down." For Romney, I'd suggest The Dead's "Friend of the Devil" but that's way too cool for him.)

"Why the hell won't he produce his long-form death certificate?"--

NJ-to-TX 

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: My father would say: "He's a politician, so he's probably just brain dead!" [R.I.P. dad. Gone but not forgotten.] )

"The orators here aren't obscene."--

Anonymouse 

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why do we assume you can't curse in heaven? Just another classic twisted beyond recognition.)

“Well, time may not exist for us anymore, but listening to this crap still makes the hours here obscene.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He HAS wings. Why doesn't he just fly away and maybe swing back later? If I couldn't toggle over to ESPN, HBO, etc., there is no way I could watch the Republican Convention.)

"Some guy in Chicago is going to cast my ballot. You?"--

Hypocritical Idiot 

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: So... even though he practiced deception and committed voter fraud, the Pearly Gates still swung open and he was issued a set of wings? It would seem the corruption goes even higher up than I suspected.)

"Well, they always said that in Cook County, Illinois, you could vote for a dead guy."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Minutes later Tim scrambled back and added "...or, a dead guy could vote for you. Either way." No Tim. "Either way" does not cut it. Please read the following very carefully: Voting for a dead guy makes no sense because he'd be dead. Having a living person vote for the guy in the cartoon makes no sense because he too is dead. In your eagerness to make a commentary about voter fraud you opted for an urban legend instead of current events.) 

Why not Bil Keane?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A quasi-classic that makes sense because Mr. Keane is no longer with us. Luckily, Johnny is alive and well and cranking out Anti-Caps like this one.)

"Why should we vote? The winner will be randomly selected two weeks late."--

Anonymous 

 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because even those recognized belatedly are still entitled to all the perks and privileges Anti-Cap winners enjoy.)