Note: By now it is clear that there are those people who enter Anti-caps that include a Dylan quote as means of currying favor with the judge. Usually their efforts earn them an honorable mention -- at best. But this week--I think for the first time-- a Dylan line takes home the top honor. This is touching but no one mentioned the lone time Dylan actually uses the word "guillotine" in a song. (I knew it, as you may have guessed, off the top of my head.)WINNER
FIRST PLACE
"I never could learn to drink that blood and to call it wine." --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get past the gross factor, disregard the Twilight bullshit and this is so deep no one will get it [medaphorically, I mean]. Angus, I can't figure out whether I'm too good good for you or you're too good for me. )
SECOND PLACE
"It's from the new Successories product line. See the white script lettering on the base? 'A good game plan is not enough. You have to execute.' So true, so true." --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is aided and tarnished by a link to a site that sells those stupid motivational posters. This reminds us that in the business world "execute" means "accomplish.")
HONORABLE MENTION
"We got it from The Sharper Image."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To be blunt this is a pretty dull cap, but I think Jim gave it a lot of thought.)
"It's made by Sharp®." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just as obvious but a little less funny than Jim's. The trademark symbol gives it an extra edge.)
Gov. Perry likes to keep it handy in case of a power outage.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if he gets to the White House he will make W. look like Gandhi.)
We're just storing it for Rick Perry until after the election. Or after the primaries, if he isn't nominated.--PaleoPaul (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why store it? For the GOP Texas justice is a selling point--not an embarrassment. )
"I may be wrong, but I think we got it by answering an ad in the New York Post." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reach and it is not very original. I may be wrong but if memory serves, K.H. troted out the "Headless Body in Topples Bar" headline once before. )
"Yes, indeed. Why not Bil Keane?" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link tells us that Tom Wilson Sr., the creator of the hard-luck comic strip character Ziggy, died last week, He was 80. RIP Tom. Too bad you can not leave your sense of irony to Bil.)
"Then he told me to, 'Lay lady, lay. Lay across my big brass guillotine.' On a first date, right? It was nice of him to quote Bob Dylan though. I think he understood that it greatly improved my chances of an honorable mention in the caption contest." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Boring, trite and predictable but consider it done, Even so, if my thought dreams could be seen they' d probably put my head you know where. )
Yo al, I'm in Redondo Beach visiting my twin 3 month old grandchildren. Otis wouldn't stop crying so I tried rocking him, humming to him, sticking the binky in his mouth, anything I could think of and nothing worked. Then I started singing 'Like A Rolling Stone.' He was out in thirty seconds! Go figure......--David W (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I only hope the child is named in honor of the man who sang "Try a Little Tenderness," and not the man who pioneered the elevator. Next time ask your precious angel, "Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet?")
103 comments:
"We use it to decapitate bad captions."
"It was used in the Reign of Terrier! Has anybody seen Buttons?"
A couple more glasses of wine and I'll show you how it works.
If nothing else, this explains the disturbing scene from caption contest # 301.
Worst...Mohel...Ever!
"How are you fixed for blades?"
"Time-outs are ever so much more effective now."
"It's Robespierre's Glory Hole; you like it? I also have Danton's double-ended dildo."
"No, no, Giap. G-I-A-P. As in General Vo Nguyen. Why the hell would I get wine and a guillotine from a Jap? Also, we used to call them 'Nips,' although frankly I'm not comfortable with either term these days."
"The mohel was so impressed by our son's girth that he let us keep it."
"The 2011 Beaujolais? I guess it's 'too soon to say.' Heh heh heh. But seriously, this is weasel piss."
"Dad, I'm still waiting for that care package you promised. You know, the 10 gallons of lye. I need to get rid of the... uh... I need it for a soap-making class."
So this is the casting couch for your snuff film.
"Kevin's into everything French - French wine, French death machines, French tickers."
Well, Dear, it's not very practical, placed up against the wall like that.
"ticklers" damnit
Would you like to cut the cheese?
"You should really put some newspaper under that bucket."
(woman whispers to husband) "White on the accent wall?"
"I know you're into Jackson Pollock, but aren't there easier ways to get a natural red splash on the wall?"
The kids? We've had to make some cut-backs.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Our new walk-in closet design seems to put off our French friends. More sangria??"
"You cannot believe how many zucchinis I can cut in just five minutes."
"It's made by Sharp®."
"The wine? Eucharist A.D. 01!"
"Yes, indeed. Why not Bil Keane?"
Guillotine: $3500. Basket: $275. Never having to tell your fourth husband what happened to the third: Priceless.
"So, who's up for a split of champagne?"
"Head Basket! Head Basket! I thought you said Head Gasket!"
"We mainly use it on Down Syndrome kids. And do you know what gets them to stick their heads in? Cake!"
"It was supposed to be a coffee table from IKEA, but Harold was never worth a damn at assembly."
"The gallows weren't very feng shui."
"It's an 'anti-conversation piece', and very effective at quieting irritating guests. Now, what were you saying?"
"We call it 'Blade IV'. We wanted Wesley Snipes for it, but he's doing a 3-year bid."
"Get the bucket, darling. Becky is dying to try the head cheese."
"If they want candy, the trick-or-treaters have to stick their hands through it and reach into the bucket. By November 1st, we're up to our ears in knuckle sandwiches."
"In 1935 it was replaced by the Yellen (lots of screaming), circumcision clamp!"
"Originally designed by Dr Gelding for the ritual circumcision of orthodox jewish horses,it fell into disfavor after being rejected by the Kabbalah rabbis!"
"Just think: If the ancient Romans had used those, millions of Christians would be wearing miniature ones on their necklaces right now."
"I never could learn to drink that blood and to call it wine."
"Smells like you need to empty the basket."
"Peut-être qu'ils l'ont parce qu'ils sont français?"
Two out of the last three New Yorker caption contests are focused on beheadings. Someone there is about to go seriously Son-of-Sam postal.
Gov. Perry lets us take it home for the weekend.
"I used to use an emery board, but this is so much better."
"I'm voting for Perry"
"It was initially used by Chef Rachel Ray as a slow food vegetable chopper, but ultimately rejected as being too sluggish."
"I may be wrong, but I think we got it by answering an ad in the New York Post."
"And now he's just an empty suit."
"... and The Sky Mall catalog usually only has obscure, expensive crap."
"The Homeowners Association recently approved the death penalty!"
worst. gloryhole. ever!
When Dorothy gets about half a bottle of wine in her and I bend her over in that thing the sex is incredible.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Your late husband had an unusual fetish. What was his name again?"
It's a good way to head off a cold.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Just look at you...my lovely parents. You gave me my genetic predisposition to cancer, and your generation destroyed the healthcare system. Who better to witness my DIY preemtive double mastectomy? Thanks so much for coming, Mom and Dad."
"Guillotines don't kill people, dear. Gravity does."
My bureau is Louis XIV; THAT piece is Louis XVI.
"Dad, can you give me a hand?"
"Bob uses it to cut his giant cigars."
"We lucked out---they were out of Vege-Matics, but they had one of these left in stock."
---blw
"The ironic thing is that it's the only piece from IKEA that Phillip could assemble correctly. And, now, well...he's gone."
"Well, Dear, it's not very practical, placed up against the wall like that."
"Actually, it's very practical: Junior stands in the basket, puts his head almost against the wall (note I said 'almost') and Voila! instant flat-top! Saves lots on haircuts! But, we have had a few accidents."
"Actually, I find it quite disarming."
"We got it at A Sale of Two Titties. It was the best of knives, of all our wurst knives."
"No, I don't remember what the dormouse said."
"Mom, Dad... I decided to drop out of Executioner School. It was just too cut throat."
Gov. Perry likes to keep it handy in case of a power outage.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Behest, honey. We meant at your behest."
"Then he told me to, 'Lay lady, lay. Lay across my big brass guillotine.' On a first date, right? It was nice of him to quote Bob Dylan though. I think he understood that it greatly improved my chances of an honorable mention in the caption contest."
You've got a lot of Gaul to keep this thing, you know.
We're just storing it for Rick Perry until after the election. Or after the primaries, if he isn't nominated.
"Fruity..............nutty............with hints of citrus and rat feces."
"Tell us where you dumped your sister's body and we'll tell you where we got the two buck Chuck."
"'It will be a great conversation piece!' he said. Well, he wasn't so great at conversation after it severed his larynx."
"Is that a spider? I hope it's not a cockroach."
"I looked in the bucket; Mrs. Forntner isn't looking too good."
"Beauty fades."
MR. SMITH: Well, Sally, your resume looks pretty good, but babysitting our little Jimmy will be no easy task. Oh, that thing? It's just a magician's prop.
MRS. SMITH: It PROPably should be in the garage.
SALLY: I'm on 3 years PROPation. Is that a PROPlem?
"Your window shade is crooked."
The kids' grades have never been better.
"You'd have to drug us, Denise, to get our heads inside that evil contraption."
"Y'know, I would've gone with a coffee table. But, hey, that's me."
The "lost" epsiode of The Dick Van Dyke Show where Jerry and Millie Helper assist Laura in planning Rob Petrie's murder.
"No, see...we want you to be the executor of our will."
“Well, yes, it’s true. We do take ‘liberte, egalite, fraternite’ quite seriously around here.”
---blw
"Until that recent earthquake thingy, we didn't realize how dangerous it was to have a guillotine in the living room."
“Oh, that? Our Guinean cleaning lady put that up. I think it’s hilarious, but Domique fails to see the humor.”
---blw
"When we realized how low the ceilings were, we thought this was an easy fix."
"Our son Guillaume is deeply troubled. He's very sullen and tortures little animals. We thought we'd get him something to lift his spirits. It's almost like it was designed with Gui in mind!"
I see you've noticed my paper shredder.
It's the centerpiece of our new reality show, "American Chopper".
"You have a bucket list?"
To think this was once cutting-edge technology.
"As you can see, Bob's still bringing his work home with him."
"My husband misunderstood me when I said I would like to B-LADE."
"It's from the new Successories product line. See the white script lettering on the base? 'A good game plan is not enough. You have to execute.' So true, so true."
Yo al, I'm in Redondo Beach visiting my twin 3 month old grandchildren. Otis wouldn't stop crying so I tried rocking him, humming to him, sticking the binky in his mouth, anything I could think of and nothing worked. Then I started singing 'Like A Rolling Stone.' He was out in thirty seconds! Go figure......
David W
"We got it from The Sharper Image."
Jim Cavanaugh
"We got it to ironically kill that PETA-loving whore Bigitte Bardot, but then we just thought we'd scare the piss out of Gérard Depardieu."
"Of course, children have to understand there will be consequences. Personally, I think this is just capital!"
---blw
"The call came sometime around twilight Sunday while I was unloading canned goods and lunch meat from the trunk of my car. It was Mrs. alinla here She was over at her mom's house doing laundry and watching the Emmys. There was excitement in her voice. "Are you watching this?" she queried with a gleeful lilt. "Watching what?" I countered trying to stay polite while juggling groceries. "Radosh just won an Emmy! He's on stage right now with Jon accepting it!" After a pause to digest I said "That's nice." And I really meant it.
Jon of course is Jon Stewart and Radosh is Daniel Radosh, the founder of the Anti-Caption contest who went on to join the award-winning writing staff of The Daily Show. When he landed the gig he dropped us like a hot rock reluctantly stopped blogging. So the contest is like that tiny night club in Hamburg where the Beatles played in their early days, or Tom Hanks' time on Bosom Buddies.
We knew Daniel when he was just another nebbish writer with a receding hairline and pocket full of dreams. While it is true that even the most devoted fans of The Daily Show still don't know who the hell he is, I believe most Anti-Cappers will sigh wistfully upon hearing Radosh took home an Emmy. We watched lttle Dan-Dan grow up. He's our boy, even though he never calls or writes."
"Funny. You imagine that's amusing and I imagine having a guillotine to chop your f-ing head off."
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Susie's French-Irish boyfriend, Guy O'Teen, was drop-dead gorgeous, but he also gave head -- an irreconcilable conundrum, really.
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