Sunday, September 18, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #303

Note: By now it is clear that there are those people who enter Anti-caps that include a Dylan quote as means of currying favor with the judge. Usually their efforts earn them an honorable mention -- at best. But this week--I think for the first time-- a Dylan line takes home the top honor. This is touching but no one mentioned the lone time Dylan actually uses the word "guillotine" in a song. (I knew it, as you may have guessed, off the top of my head.)

WINNER

FIRST PLACE

"I never could learn to drink that blood and to call it wine." --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get past the gross factor, disregard the Twilight bullshit and this is so deep no one will get it [medaphorically, I mean]. Angus, I can't figure out whether I'm too good good for you or you're too good for me. )

SECOND PLACE
"It's from the new Successories product line. See the white script lettering on the base? 'A good game plan is not enough. You have to execute.' So true, so true." --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is aided and tarnished by a link to a site that sells those stupid motivational posters. This reminds us that in the business world "execute" means "accomplish.")

HONORABLE MENTION
"We got it from The Sharper Image."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To be blunt this is a pretty dull cap, but I think Jim gave it a lot of thought.)


"It's made by Sharp®." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just as obvious but a little less funny than Jim's. The trademark symbol gives it an extra edge.)

Gov. Perry likes to keep it handy in case of a power outage.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if he gets to the White House he will make W. look like Gandhi.)

We're just storing it for Rick Perry until after the election. Or after the primaries, if he isn't nominated.--PaleoPaul (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why store it? For the GOP Texas justice is a selling point--not an embarrassment. )

"I may be wrong, but I think we got it by answering an ad in the New York Post." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reach and it is not very original. I may be wrong but if memory serves, K.H. troted out the "Headless Body in Topples Bar" headline once before. )

"Yes, indeed. Why not Bil Keane?" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link tells us that Tom Wilson Sr., the creator of the hard-luck comic strip character Ziggy, died last week, He was 80. RIP Tom. Too bad you can not leave your sense of irony to Bil.)

"Then he told me to, 'Lay lady, lay. Lay across my big brass guillotine.' On a first date, right? It was nice of him to quote Bob Dylan though. I think he understood that it greatly improved my chances of an honorable mention in the caption contest." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Boring, trite and predictable but consider it done, Even so, if my thought dreams could be seen they' d probably put my head you know where. )

Yo al, I'm in Redondo Beach visiting my twin 3 month old grandchildren. Otis wouldn't stop crying so I tried rocking him, humming to him, sticking the binky in his mouth, anything I could think of and nothing worked. Then I started singing 'Like A Rolling Stone.' He was out in thirty seconds! Go figure......--David W (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I only hope the child is named in honor of the man who sang "Try a Little Tenderness," and not the man who pioneered the elevator. Next time ask your precious angel, "Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet?")

107 comments:

DR Sumguy said...

"We use it to decapitate bad captions."

DR Sumguy said...

"It was used in the Reign of Terrier! Has anybody seen Buttons?"

boneguy said...

A couple more glasses of wine and I'll show you how it works.

boneguy said...

If nothing else, this explains the disturbing scene from caption contest # 301.

Anonymouse said...

Worst...Mohel...Ever!

Kathy H said...

"How are you fixed for blades?"

Steve_O said...

"Time-outs are ever so much more effective now."

Mike Mariano said...

"It's Robespierre's Glory Hole; you like it? I also have Danton's double-ended dildo."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"No, no, Giap. G-I-A-P. As in General Vo Nguyen. Why the hell would I get wine and a guillotine from a Jap? Also, we used to call them 'Nips,' although frankly I'm not comfortable with either term these days."

David Macharelli said...

"The mohel was so impressed by our son's girth that he let us keep it."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"The 2011 Beaujolais? I guess it's 'too soon to say.' Heh heh heh. But seriously, this is weasel piss."

smuck said...

"Dad, I'm still waiting for that care package you promised. You know, the 10 gallons of lye. I need to get rid of the... uh... I need it for a soap-making class."

Eric G said...

So this is the casting couch for your snuff film.

smuck said...

"Kevin's into everything French - French wine, French death machines, French tickers."

JohnnyB said...

Well, Dear, it's not very practical, placed up against the wall like that.

smuck said...

"ticklers" damnit

JohnnyB said...

Would you like to cut the cheese?

AW said...

"You should really put some newspaper under that bucket."

AW said...

(woman whispers to husband) "White on the accent wall?"

AW said...

"I know you're into Jackson Pollock, but aren't there easier ways to get a natural red splash on the wall?"

Anonymous said...

The kids? We've had to make some cut-backs.

Jim Cavanaugh

LV said...

"Our new walk-in closet design seems to put off our French friends. More sangria??"

Tim H said...

"You cannot believe how many zucchinis I can cut in just five minutes."

Anonymouse said...

"It's made by Sharp®."

DR Sumguy said...

"The wine? Eucharist A.D. 01!"

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, indeed. Why not Bil Keane?"

boneguy said...

Guillotine: $3500. Basket: $275. Never having to tell your fourth husband what happened to the third: Priceless.

Kathy H said...

"So, who's up for a split of champagne?"

DR Sumguy said...

"Head Basket! Head Basket! I thought you said Head Gasket!"

Glenn said...

"We mainly use it on Down Syndrome kids. And do you know what gets them to stick their heads in? Cake!"

Grudge Holding Daughter said...

"Thanks for raping me when I was younger, Dad. Your drink is drugged and I'll be chopping your balls off."

Dex said...

"It was supposed to be a coffee table from IKEA, but Harold was never worth a damn at assembly."

Utellme said...

"The gallows weren't very feng shui."

Utellme said...

"It's an 'anti-conversation piece', and very effective at quieting irritating guests. Now, what were you saying?"

Utellme said...

"We call it 'Blade IV'. We wanted Wesley Snipes for it, but he's doing a 3-year bid."

Utellme said...

"Get the bucket, darling. Becky is dying to try the head cheese."

Utellme said...

"If they want candy, the trick-or-treaters have to stick their hands through it and reach into the bucket. By November 1st, we're up to our ears in knuckle sandwiches."

DR Sumguy said...

"In 1935 it was replaced by the Yellen (lots of screaming), circumcision clamp!"

DR Sumguy said...

"Originally designed by Dr Gelding for the ritual circumcision of orthodox jewish horses,it fell into disfavor after being rejected by the Kabbalah rabbis!"

Angus Podgorny said...

"Just think: If the ancient Romans had used those, millions of Christians would be wearing miniature ones on their necklaces right now."

Angus Podgorny said...

"I never could learn to drink that blood and to call it wine."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Smells like you need to empty the basket."

Glenn said...

"Peut-être qu'ils l'ont parce qu'ils sont français?"

Anonymous said...

Two out of the last three New Yorker caption contests are focused on beheadings. Someone there is about to go seriously Son-of-Sam postal.

boneguy said...

Gov. Perry lets us take it home for the weekend.

Tim H said...

"I used to use an emery board, but this is so much better."

Richard H said...

"I'm voting for Perry"

DR Sumguy said...

"It was initially used by Chef Rachel Ray as a slow food vegetable chopper, but ultimately rejected as being too sluggish."

Kathy H said...

"I may be wrong, but I think we got it by answering an ad in the New York Post."

Satireguy said...

"And now he's just an empty suit."

Glenn said...

"... and The Sky Mall catalog usually only has obscure, expensive crap."

DR Sumguy said...

"The Homeowners Association recently approved the death penalty!"

Patient Zero's special friend said...

worst. gloryhole. ever!

Anonymous said...

When Dorothy gets about half a bottle of wine in her and I bend her over in that thing the sex is incredible.

Jim Cavanaugh

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"Your late husband had an unusual fetish. What was his name again?"

Anonymous said...

It's a good way to head off a cold.

Jim Cavanaugh

NAMBY said...

"No Gwen, you're not a bitch. But let's face it, Rodger had a point about you being a bit castrating."

Maddie said...

"Just look at you...my lovely parents. You gave me my genetic predisposition to cancer, and your generation destroyed the healthcare system. Who better to witness my DIY preemtive double mastectomy? Thanks so much for coming, Mom and Dad."

Tenured Physics Professor said...

"Guillotines don't kill people, dear. Gravity does."

JohnnyB said...

My bureau is Louis XIV; THAT piece is Louis XVI.

Gertrude said...

"Dad, can you give me a hand?"

Satireguy said...

"Bob uses it to cut his giant cigars."

Anonymous said...

"We lucked out---they were out of Vege-Matics, but they had one of these left in stock."


---blw

Anonymouse said...

"The ironic thing is that it's the only piece from IKEA that Phillip could assemble correctly. And, now, well...he's gone."

stcoleridge said...

"Well, Dear, it's not very practical, placed up against the wall like that."

"Actually, it's very practical: Junior stands in the basket, puts his head almost against the wall (note I said 'almost') and Voila! instant flat-top! Saves lots on haircuts! But, we have had a few accidents."

cta said...

"Actually, I find it quite disarming."

Shelly said...

"We got it at A Sale of Two Titties. It was the best of knives, of all our wurst knives."

Anonymous said...

"No, I don't remember what the dormouse said."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

Fucking J. Peterman.

cta said...

"Mom, Dad... I decided to drop out of Executioner School. It was just too cut throat."

Anonymous said...

Gov. Perry likes to keep it handy in case of a power outage.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Behest, honey. We meant at your behest."

Anonymous said...

"Then he told me to, 'Lay lady, lay. Lay across my big brass guillotine.' On a first date, right? It was nice of him to quote Bob Dylan though. I think he understood that it greatly improved my chances of an honorable mention in the caption contest."

PaleoPaul said...

You've got a lot of Gaul to keep this thing, you know.

PaleoPaul said...

We're just storing it for Rick Perry until after the election. Or after the primaries, if he isn't nominated.

Anonymous said...

"Fruity..............nutty............with hints of citrus and rat feces."

Anonymous said...

"Tell us where you dumped your sister's body and we'll tell you where we got the two buck Chuck."

Steve_O said...

"'It will be a great conversation piece!' he said. Well, he wasn't so great at conversation after it severed his larynx."

Anonymous said...

"Is that a spider? I hope it's not a cockroach."

Master of the Flying Guillotine said...

"I looked in the bucket; Mrs. Forntner isn't looking too good."

"Beauty fades."

David Copperfeeled Me Up said...

MR. SMITH: Well, Sally, your resume looks pretty good, but babysitting our little Jimmy will be no easy task. Oh, that thing? It's just a magician's prop.

MRS. SMITH: It PROPably should be in the garage.

SALLY: I'm on 3 years PROPation. Is that a PROPlem?

Anonymous said...

"Your window shade is crooked."

boneguy said...

The kids' grades have never been better.

Anonymous said...

"You'd have to drug us, Denise, to get our heads inside that evil contraption."

Tim H said...

"Y'know, I would've gone with a coffee table. But, hey, that's me."

Anonymouse said...

The "lost" epsiode of The Dick Van Dyke Show where Jerry and Millie Helper assist Laura in planning Rob Petrie's murder.

Anonymous said...

"No, see...we want you to be the executor of our will."

Anonymous said...

“Well, yes, it’s true. We do take ‘liberte, egalite, fraternite’ quite seriously around here.”


---blw

Kathy H said...

"Until that recent earthquake thingy, we didn't realize how dangerous it was to have a guillotine in the living room."

Anonymous said...

“Oh, that? Our Guinean cleaning lady put that up. I think it’s hilarious, but Domique fails to see the humor.”


---blw

Tim H said...

"When we realized how low the ceilings were, we thought this was an easy fix."

Glenn said...

"Our son Guillaume is deeply troubled. He's very sullen and tortures little animals. We thought we'd get him something to lift his spirits. It's almost like it was designed with Gui in mind!"

Austin said...

I see you've noticed my paper shredder.

boneguy said...

It's the centerpiece of our new reality show, "American Chopper".

Anonymous said...

"You have a bucket list?"

Ritantics said...

To think this was once cutting-edge technology.

Satireguy said...

"As you can see, Bob's still bringing his work home with him."

Master of the Flying Guillotine said...

"My husband misunderstood me when I said I would like to B-LADE."

Walt said...

"It's from the new Successories product line. See the white script lettering on the base? 'A good game plan is not enough. You have to execute.' So true, so true."

Anonymous said...

Yo al, I'm in Redondo Beach visiting my twin 3 month old grandchildren. Otis wouldn't stop crying so I tried rocking him, humming to him, sticking the binky in his mouth, anything I could think of and nothing worked. Then I started singing 'Like A Rolling Stone.' He was out in thirty seconds! Go figure......

David W

Anonymous said...

"We got it from The Sharper Image."

Jim Cavanaugh

Glenn said...

"We got it to ironically kill that PETA-loving whore Bigitte Bardot, but then we just thought we'd scare the piss out of Gérard Depardieu."

Anonymous said...

"Of course, children have to understand there will be consequences. Personally, I think this is just capital!"


---blw

JohnnyB said...

"The call came sometime around twilight Sunday while I was unloading canned goods and lunch meat from the trunk of my car. It was Mrs. alinla here She was over at her mom's house doing laundry and watching the Emmys. There was excitement in her voice. "Are you watching this?" she queried with a gleeful lilt. "Watching what?" I countered trying to stay polite while juggling groceries. "Radosh just won an Emmy! He's on stage right now with Jon accepting it!" After a pause to digest I said "That's nice." And I really meant it.

Jon of course is Jon Stewart and Radosh is Daniel Radosh, the founder of the Anti-Caption contest who went on to join the award-winning writing staff of The Daily Show. When he landed the gig he dropped us like a hot rock reluctantly stopped blogging. So the contest is like that tiny night club in Hamburg where the Beatles played in their early days, or Tom Hanks' time on Bosom Buddies.
We knew Daniel when he was just another nebbish writer with a receding hairline and pocket full of dreams. While it is true that even the most devoted fans of The Daily Show still don't know who the hell he is, I believe most Anti-Cappers will sigh wistfully upon hearing Radosh took home an Emmy. We watched lttle Dan-Dan grow up. He's our boy, even though he never calls or writes."

"Funny. You imagine that's amusing and I imagine having a guillotine to chop your f-ing head off."

The Captain said...

Is that a fucking guillotine?

smuck said...

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Sammy said...

Susie's French-Irish boyfriend, Guy O'Teen, was drop-dead gorgeous, but he also gave head -- an irreconcilable conundrum, really.

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