Sunday, September 11, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #302


The call came sometime around twilight Sunday while I was unloading canned goods and lunch meat from the trunk of my car. It was Mrs. alinla She was over at her mom's house doing laundry and watching the Emmys. There was excitement in her voice. "Are you watching this?" she queried with a gleeful lilt. "Watching what?" I countered trying to stay polite while juggling groceries. "Radosh just won an Emmy! He's on stage right now with Jon accepting it!" After a pause to digest I said "That's nice." And I really meant it.

J
on of course is Jon Stewart and Radosh is Daniel Radosh, the founder of the Anti-Caption contest who went on to join the award-winning writing staff of The Daily Show. When he landed the gig he dropped us like a hot rock reluctantly stopped blogging. So the contest is like that tiny night club in Hamburg where the Beatles played in their early days, or Tom Hanks' time on Bosom Buddies.
We knew Daniel when he was just another nebbish writer with a receding hairline and pocket full of dreams. While it is true that even the most devoted fans of The Daily Show still don't know who the hell he is, I believe most Anti-Cappers will sigh wistfully upon hearing Radosh took home an Emmy. We watched lttle Dan-Dan grow up. He's our boy, even though he never calls or writes.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
“I know we’re in a crisis, but where there’s a Wilbury, there’s a way.”--Dex. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is not even close to being the best cap but it is a personal favorite. The man with the notes swirling around his head does look like Roy Orbison aka Lefty Wilbury and there is a nice little pun so I give you this week's winner.)

SECOND PLACE
"I'm just asking you to fucking marry me. You don't have to be a cunt about it." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works because it mocks control freak rich guys who believe romantic gestures can be used to acquire goods and services. If he hires a sliky-voiced crooner and asks for her hand in front of their co-workers, she'll agree if for no other reason than to avoid an awkward moment. This also marks the first ever appearance of the c-word in the winner's circle )
THIRD PLACE"I didn't have the jingle yet so I panicked; and, like a godsend, this guy was right outside with a cup . . . I'll go clean out my desk."--Sarah Nade (JUDGE'S COMMENT: People in a jam will do most anything to get out of it. That's what this tells us.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Ask him to sing tenor. Tenor twelve miles away." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I played the glockenspiel in band class the teacher asked if I knew how to play "Far Far Away." Everyone laughed. This reminded me of that.)

"Shut him up, Bob. Anybody can outsing you."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll give this props because it is inspired by a classic, but it better not be Dylan you're dissing.)


"Christ, what an alto." --Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another pun-splashed classic.)

Falsetto, you crazy bastard! How are you?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Jim you once again reach far yet grasp little. Why would he be saying that to the woman? I'll give props for the classic, though.)

"The 'No Stairway' sign was working, so why the hell did you yell out 'Free Bird'?" Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is needlessly confusing. Led Zep is to Skynard and what masterpiece is to mush. Nuff said.)
"I can't wait 'til he goes back to the clip-on parrot." --LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This also gets charity props. )
"Not only does Mr. Dd like to copy Dylan's licks but seems he's not even creative in his cartoon drawings either."#232 & #246 --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This points out that the cartoonist is a predictable hack creature of habit. And Dylan does not have "licks," he has classics.)
"Me? Well, I like to hit a few balls in a batting cage and then go ice skating at Sky Rink. And you?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really sure what point K.H. is angling for but it confirms that she is following, so at least there's that. )

114 comments:

Dex said...

"Christ, what an alto."

Satireguy said...

"They asked if I could look after Garrison Keillor just for the day."

boneguy said...

Christ, this feels familiar.

Austin said...

New security measures counteract suspected Chinese listening devices.

Glenn said...

"The 'No Stairway' sign was working, so why the hell did you yell out 'Free Bird'?"

Kathy H said...

"Hi. My name is Art Garfunkel."

Eric G said...

Yes how many sales did we close last month? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind...

Steve_O said...

"I have a request. Do you know 'Shut the Fuck Up'?"

Glenn said...

"Where's that electric chair when you really need it?"

Mike Mariano said...

"If you put all of Drew Dernavitch's cartoons together, you'll have a conference table that spans four football fields."

Anonymous said...

"Shut him up, Bob. Anybody can outsing you."

Glenn said...

"If I wanted to sing, I would have brought a guitar. Now fuck off."

Glenn said...

"I don't know how Roy Orbison's ghost qualifies as a motivational speaker, either, but you must admit that it's haunting."

Satireguy said...

"I figured reporting the quarerly report in song would make it a little easier to take."

cta said...

"His sales pitch is a little off."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's the Bankruptcy Song."

cta said...

"Ask him to sing tenor. Tenor twelve miles away."

cta said...

"You just had to yell 'Encore!', didn't you?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm just asking you to fucking marry me. You don't have to be a cunt about it."

Anonymous said...

"Strumming my balls with your fingers. Singing my life with his words..."

Anonymous said...

Falsetto, you crazy bastard! How are you?

Jim Cavanaugh

LR said...

"I can't wait 'til he goes back to the clip-on parrot."

boneguy said...

I'm trying different ways to fire people. Before you pack up your desk tell me what you think.

Dr Sumguy said...

"The Nearness of You" again. Care to switch seats?

Anonymous said...

I can kill a man with a pen.

Tim H said...

Mad Men officially jumps the shark.

Anonymouse said...

♪ ♫ ♫ "What notes floating around his head?" ♪ ♫ ♪

Anonymous said...

"If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have brought a cellphone. Now fuck off."

Reed Cycle

Anonymous said...

"Not only does Mr. Dd like to copy Dylan's licks but seems he's not even creative in his cartoon drawings either."

#232 & #246

badman said...

This is actually an improvement. Last week, he jerked off.

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"Tomorrow I'm trading him in for a Hummer."

AW said...

"HR has really lost it this time. Singing peace songs isn't going to help. I still hate you."

boneguy said...

The CFO is singing Guatemalan love songs and my right arm is bloodlessly detached from my body. Told you your first day would be weird.

Damon said...

"I know you're a dyke, so...let us know if we're gonna need to put on galoshes."

Blonde said...

Yeah - yeah I know - he's playing our song !!!

Blonde said...

"Melancholy Baby?" Crap sounds like our 3rd quarter number's are in the toilet-

Anonymous said...

LMAO @Steve_O.

Londe said...

If he breaks into a chorus of Kumbaya I'm outta here!

Utellme said...

I'm sorry. I hired him to sing "Pretty Woman" for Sandy. I didn't know she was sick and that you'd be here instead. Roy, do you know "Hound Dog"?

Dr Sumguy said...

My favorite? "Elizabeth Taylor Eyes, Kentucky Fried Chicken Thighs."

Dr Sumguy said...

"As a favor for Herve, could you play, Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue?"

Sarah Nade said...

"I didn't have the jingle yet so I panicked; and, like a godsend, this guy was right outside with a cup . . . I'll go clean out my desk."

Utellme said...

"I call him 'Little Stevie Wonderhosen'. Wait'll you hear him do 'Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day' in Yiddish."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry. Can't spare a sheet."

JohnnyB said...

Everyone knows his musical notes are just clipped tones.

Kathy H said...

"Me? Well, I like to hit a few balls in a batting cage and then go ice skating at Sky Rink. And you?"

Anonymouse said...

"Well, at least he has his head and both hands."

boneguy said...

One guess who just got laid.

Grandma said...

"If he wasn't playing Rodrigo, I'd probably rip his fucking head off and shit down his throat."

Sam Antic said...

"I know he's our CEO, but rhyming 'recapitalize' and 'your creamy thighs' is a bit of a stretch"

Satireguy said...

"Nice haircut."

Sumguy M.D. said...

"I find the cacophony of cackles emanating from his evacuating colostomy---amusing! Don't you?"

cta said...

"He said he was just going to have to 'duet himself'. I don't know if he's being ironic or idiotic."

Kathy H said...

"He's the best Esperanto singer I have ever heard. Ask him to play Mack the Knife (Mack la Trancxilo)."

Anonymous said...

"He's a corporate raider...says he got this company for a song."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"No, I wasn't singing. He hit me in the head."

Dex said...

“Last month I suggested we all learn Mandarin. Apparently Bob thought I said Mandolin. Ahem, fuck.”

My Pet Goat said...

"Look, I'm as sorry about the atrocities as the next guy, but I just can't take another fucking tribute"

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"I didn't say stereo type, did you?"

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"Are you taking notes, or should I?"

Anonymous said...

"I admire your persistence. But there's no room in the budget for complimentary turkeys."

JohnnyB said...

This is what we get for hiring Mexicans.

David Macharelli said...

"...and to think, when the board said we'd be getting more Cash at the next meeting, I was excited."

Satireguy said...

"Fucking suits."

Gary P said...

"He actually does have lovely lady lumps."

P.M. said...

"Now that we've covered Yesterday, let's talk about this company's future."

Anonymous said...

"He is killing me softly with his song. And I fully expect to be dead in 15 minutes."

Tim H said...

"Well, the way this company is going, we'll soon all be appearing on American Idle."

Anonymous said...

"Send in Blutarsky!"

Anonymous said...

"Try to compose yourself."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymouse said...

"Stylistically, he's a cross between Joan Armatrading and The Singing Nun."

Walt said...

Yeah, Staff Meeting Hero is fully compatible with the guitar, if you don't feel like springing for the tablet or the mug.

Anonymous said...

"The Americans With Abilities Act should be repealed."

Bob Denver said...

Seriously, one more fuckin' Dylan song and his ass is in LA.

Bob Dylan said...

Who the fuck does he think he is — Bob Denver?

Roger Hammerpeen said...

Do you care what his favorite things are?

smuck said...

"I brought a coupe plait miget*, do you mind?"

* French for "guitar-playing accountant".

smuck said...

"I deff so eh dunna bovva meh."

smuck said...

"Well, Obama did promise us ch-ch-ch-ch-changes."

Kathy H said...

"He's an old cowhand from the Rio Grande
But his legs ain't bowed and his cheeks ain't tanned
He's the cowboy who never saw a cow
Never roped a steer 'cause he don't know how
He sure ain't fixin' to start in now
Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!"

Tim H said...

"Yes, he spent two years in Julliard, two years in Mannes, and four years in vain."

Anonymouse said...

"He has suffered for his art. Now, it's our turn."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's my ride home!"

JohnnyB said...

not a caption
http://www.thelocal.se/36118/20110913/
Al in LA charged for playing Dylan song for his ex

Anonymous said...

Singing "Meat, the new boss" doesn't make it any less of a lameass slogan."

Anonymous said...

He only plays in the key of Dd. This shit's getting old.

Anonymous said...

"This is eerily reminiscent of when Dylan gave the annual profit margins report at the Newport Folk Festival."


---blw

So long, farewell, goodbye said...

He's not singing, he's howling. Grandma is beneath the table and I think she's goning to gum his fucking head off.

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"If you think the acoustics here are bad, you should see the captions."

Utellme said...

Carl knows none of you believes there ever was a Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young & Fortner. That is, except you, Doris, who's experienced his expert fingering before.

Utellme said...

Jerking me off under the table, Miss Jones, is NOT going to get your brother a contract.

Paul A. Abduel said...

"So You Think He's Got Talent?"

Utellme said...

"Trust me, yodeling's making a huge comeback; as sure as I'm president of B.M. & Fartte Entertainment."

Anonymous said...

"Seriously? Your name is Ms. Heard Lyrics, and you're using your notepad to pad your bra."

Anonymouse said...

"Musical is his middle name. Unfortuantely, his first name is No and his last name is Talent."

Richard H said...

"I prefer the one about when his cat died"

Richard H said...

"Why aren't there more songs about farting in elevators?'

stcoleridge said...

"I liked these meetings better with the parrots."

stcoleridge said...

"Three verses of 'Where have all the flowers gone?' here are obscene."

stcoleridge said...

"I like mine better."

AW said...

"It's the quarterly numbers report. Must be looking better. Last time he did a dirge in his son's Grim reaper costume."

Anonymous said...

"Who's fretting?"

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, I told my kids never to say "Shut the &@#% up".

Diaphanous said...

"I had no idea Grandma got run over by a reindeer."

Steve Frank said...

But why would they call the wind Maria?

Anonymous said...

"'Pair of roller skates' represents the labia. 'Brand new key' means he has a newly working penis, having just hit adolescence. Any other questions?"

Anonymous said...

"If Simon still sat on our panel, this guy would be dead meat."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Oh, mama, can this really be the end? To be stuck inside a board meeting with the ‘X Factor’ blues again.”


---Bobby Z.

Angus Podgorny said...

"It's still better than any PowerPoint presentation I've ever seen."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Since when does 'quarterly profits' rhyme with 'carbon offsets'?"

Dex said...

“I know we’re in a crisis, but where there’s a Wilbury, there’s a way.”

Satireguy said...

"Ironically, he ain't my brother but he is rather heavy."

cta said...

"He saw the earnings report, so I have no idea why he is so up-beat.."

Dick the Butcher said...

"Recitals are my favorite part of board resolutions."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.