Sunday, September 4, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #301

Note: This week marks the 11th anniversary of my move to L.A. I moved after I landed a job as the west coast editor of a New York-based national magazine. Although I did not fly out west until Sept. 15th, I started the job a few days earlier because the parent company was having its bi-annual retreat at the Chelsea Piers.
The day was Sept. 11, 2000. The morning was devoted to seminars and meetings. In the afternoon we had free run of the place and could participate in whatever fun stuff we wanted. I opted to hit a few balls in a batting cage and then go ice skating at Sky Rink. At one point, I stood outside and marveled at the lower Manhattan skyline and mused about how much I'd miss the big busy city where I was born and raised.
Exactly a year later, that ice rink was pressed into service as a make-shift morgue. If I had stayed at my old job, I would have been on the R train headed to work. And at about 9am I would have been reaching the Cortland Street stop adjacent to the WTC. Instead, I was in L.A, safe and warm. My only duty that day was to tell the staff to go home. Nine-eleven has a certain resonance for me is all I'm trying to say.

WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Whoah! Now where would they beheading?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has validity if you assume they have been decapitated AND had their hands cut off, yet are still able to walk. Works for me. )
SECOND PLACE
"Oh great, looks like this cartoon has been decaptionated." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And this has validity if you assume there was a caption but it was somehow removed. Like this week's top winner it's flawed but worthy.)THIRD PLACEHa! No one noticed the blade in the revolving door. Sure, it's a mess to clean, but it's worth it to see their faces. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse. Tell me Johnny, if their heads are missing how can you see their faces? You realize this is another charity win for you, right?)


HONORABLE MENTIONS"Ha, look at Bob, coming into work naked and rubbing his dick against the glass. You show em, Bob!" --Mike Mariano (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least Mike understands that there are invisible men. Yes, this is better that the top three but not nearly as edgy.)



"Jobs program for Middle East war vets." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds me of an anti-war poster I saw in a neighbor's home when I was a kid. It had Santa Clause carrying a coffin on his back and the caption said "Bring our boys home for Christmas." Safe to say it stayed with me.)
"When is someone going to teach these fucking Hessians to duck?" --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I get the historical reference [if YOU don't, look it up] but can I once again point out that their hands are also missing. )
Go figure- job market's down and they go and hire a whole new crew of headhunters! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This also makes no sense. Headhunters are not looking for their own head. )
"There looking for someone to give them head."
THE NEXT DAY:
"They're looking for someone to give them head." Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The correction cap came 25 hours and 58 minutes after the original. This suggests that who ever submitted it went back the next day and said what Tim H. often finds himself saying: "Oh Shit!." It also suggests Sumguy is not really a doctor.)

"They may look like a bunch of empty suits, but because they work for S&P, people take them quite seriously" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This assumes they are nice suits. Reminds me of advice I got when I started a job. A guy who had been there a while told me "Show up on time and dress nice --they will never fire you." He was laid off. )
"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims, which are in a box under my bed. The torsos I have propped up in lifelike poses." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For God sake! Am I the only one to notice that hey do not have hands!! What the hell is with you people?)

I said, 'I do not fear those pants with nobody inside them.'I said, and said, and said those words.I said them. But I lied them. --Dr. Seuss (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is an actual Seuss quote so the author of this caption is not a liar, liar whose pants are on fire.)

It's been 10 years to the day. I'm starting to forget their names and faces, but I'll never forget what happened.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the seniment, but if one of those faces played on a Staten Island high school hockey team you once coached, I'll bet you'd remember. [RIP firefighter John Patrick Tierney. I will never forget you.])
"Wall Street Journal guys. That's what they got for mentioning the Anti-Cap contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I hate this because, intentionally or not, it evolkes the merciless slaughter of WSJ reporter Daniel Pearl. It also links to a Journal story that suggests Dan Radosh still judges this contest. I guess I can let that part slide.)

82 comments:

smuck said...

"Damn, I left my Bottega Venata suit at the homeless shelter. I feel so under-dressed now."

Anonymous said...

"Yup, still no blacks in New Yorker cartoons."

Not Funny, I Know.....

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

I already knew that they were heartless.

REX said...

"They're all trying to get a head."

Mike Mariano said...

"Ha, look at Bob, coming into work naked and rubbing his dick against the glass. You show em, Bob!"

Glenn said...

"They're part of the Freedom Tower dedication ceremony."

Anonymous said...

"Here come the...nahhhh, everybody's gonna think of that one."

boneguy said...

Don’t look know but here comes the Tea Party brain trust.

boneguy said...

Don’t look now but here comes the Tea Party brain trust.

Richard H said...

"They may look like a bunch of empty suits, but because they work for S&P, people take them quite seriously"

Satireguy said...

"Fucking suits."

boneguy said...

Looks like Al -Qaeda didn't make its numbers this quarter.

Glenn said...

"At least they can't ask us why it takes two of us to mop the floor."

Anonymous said...

Fuckin' headhunters

JohnnyB said...

Ha! No one noticed the blade in the revolving door. Sure, it's a mess to clean, but it's worth it to see their faces.

Dr Sumguy said...

"There looking for someone to give them head."

Anonymous said...

"Look, a bunch of class-action suits!"

Anonymous said...

"I'm losing my ass in the market."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Walking suits, been there, done that.

Anonymous said...

It's nice to see our congressmen again, but I see most of them still have their heads up their asses.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dex said...

"Christ, what an armhole."

boneguy said...

Didn't you see the flyer, "Will Give Head for $5"?

Blonde said...

Heads up Monty!! Here comes the working stiffs!

Blonde said...

Go figure- job market's down and they go and hire a whole new crew of headhunters!

Angus Podgorny said...

"They all think they're God. That's why they don't exist."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Looks like we won't have to clean the bathrooms tonight."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Let's hope the women are just the opposite."

David Macharelli said...

"When is someone going to teach these fucking Hessians to duck?"

BLONDE said...

Yeah- looks suspicion to me too - Cuz it's wayyyyyyyy too early for the annual Ichabod Crane convention!!!

Satireguy said...

"Over at the Seagram Building they get topless broads. And what do we get? Headless dicks."

smuck said...

♫ Gotta make my mind up. Which suit can I take? ♫

AWags said...

"The headless Don Draper Halloween costume is soo last year."

AWags said...

"So that's what the bosses meant when they said 'this is a corporation. Leave your brain at the door."

Steve_O said...

"These GOP candidates are all starting to look the same to me."

Steve_O said...

"How can you tell which is Bachmann?"
"Look for the one with the biggest dick bulge."

Dex said...

"I'm haunted by the blazers of my victims."

AWags said...

"I never could match a name to a face."

Utellme said...

It's like I told 'ya, Davidson, I'M the true head of this corporation. Hey, over here, you missed a spot.

LV said...

"Did you ever take one of those long things with the barbs on the end for unclogging your drain and jam it up your nose? All the way up 'til you hit bone, then ram it a little more until you hear the ethmoid skull plate crack? Then twist and ream your frontal cranium to see what comes out? Better look busy- these stiffs have no idea what they're missing.

Glenn said...

"Whoah! Now where would they beheading?"

Mr. Clean said...

"Imagine, even these guys will significantly out-earn women performing the exact same jobs."

Anonymous said...

"You know times are tough when these fuckers start pulling their heads in."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"What? Those guys? They're legends up on the Sleepy Hollow Wing."


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

"They're looking for someone to give them head."

BLONDE said...

Wow when I heard them screaming, "Off with their heads!!! I just assumed it was coming from the Mohel's office on the the 3d floor....

Anonymous said...

Marie Antoinette Facebook fan page organizes flash mob. They forget to bring cake.

Anonymous said...

"Double-breasted? Where?"

Suzanna L. said...

Doubt we'll find Starbuck's latte grande cups filled with pee in office garbages tonight.

Guess Who said...

"They've got class, and they're looking for action."

Anonymous said...

"It's an Anonymous convention."

george (not don) Zimmer said...

our new suit line comes with an extra pair of slackers

scruffy scrubyermutt said...

'Hey Butchie, its my turn to sweep the black ones!'

"suit yourself"

boneguy said...

Trust me, Zuckerberg is NOT going to like this.

Eric G said...

Here come the Turtle Wax board members. I just wish they could appreciate the shine we put on the floor in their honor.

cta said...

"Oh great, looks like this cartoon has been decaptionated."

John said...

"Uh-oh, I don't remember cleaning the heads last night?"

Satireguy said...

"Quit while you're a head, I told 'em but they never listen."

Steel Gotit said...

reminds me of the joke about the doctor who cut himself alone on a desert island....Suture self.wait that was last weak(sick)

Glenn said...

"Hey! Don't walk on our clean floor! What, are they deaf or something?"

Glenn said...

"Asian guys. I told 'em not to order the lopper for lunch."

Raj Turkel said...

"Wow! HR isn't fucking around with this round of headcount reductions."

Anonymous said...

"What a bunch of cards, and all the same suit."

Anonymous said...

Shortdwarf is having auditions today for for Suits of the Living Dead.

Anonymous said...

"The Mets' team bus just pulled up. Don't make eye contact."

Steve_O said...

"Head or no head, they're still cocksuckers. Every one of them."

Steve_O said...

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims, which are in a box under my bed. The torsos I have propped up in lifelike poses."

REX said...

"I guess they heard that Gloria in accounting loves to give head."

Utellme said...

"The Board gives those middle management guys hell. 'Quit bitin' my head off!' I tol' 'em. Sure, I was demoted, but I still got my dignity. C'mon, there's a clogged toilet in 1209."

Utellme said...

"Another luncheon of Halifax Giblets."

Utellme said...

Who's minding the store?

cta said...

"You don't need any fancy degree -- they'll hire any body here."

cta said...

"All right! I predict that there'll be a lot of bagels left over after the big meeting."

Dr. Seuss said...

I said, 'I do not fear those pants
with nobody inside them.'
I said, and said, and said those words.
I said them. But I lied them.

cta said...

"Looks like the stolen identity /suit fetish support group is about to begin."

Anonymous said...

"Jobs program for Middle East war vets."

Anonymous said...

"Today was the day that the teddy bear's had their picnic. Now we know what was on the menu."

badman said...

Looks like it's gonna be another bad day to be a skull fucker.

Gary P said...

"No wonder you have to mop so often. How can they avoid stepping in the dogshit on the sidewalk?"

Anonymous said...

"Wall Street Journal guys. That's what they got for mentioning the Anti-Cap contest."

Anonymous said...

It's been 10 years to the day. I'm starting to forget their names and faces, but I'll never forget what happened.

Jim Cavanaugh

Gary P said...

"Hey! Punch one of them in the nuts. Let's see what happens."

boneguy said...

That's weird. They walked in 20 minutes worried the boss was going to bite their heads off.

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.