Sunday, August 28, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #300

NOTE: The milestone 300th Caption Contest brings fourth the work of Gahan Wilson, a gifted if slightly creepy cartoonist who has long been a personal favorite of mine. The venerable Mr Wilson, now 82, was last seen here just over a year ago with a somewhat stupid puzzling cartoon that had a man and women clinging to a sinking sailboat inside a tea cup. (Either a huge tea cup or very tiny people I observed at the time.)

R
emarkably, the corresponding Anti-Cap contest (No. 245 ) remains one of the most visited pages on this blog. I suspect that it draws interest because it was inked by the Gahanmeister. Maybe this one will gain similar level of interest. Cartoon-wise it is much better. Nice to have you back, old friend, live long and prosper. And, yes, I know you are reading this.

WINNER
FIRST PLACE
It's terminal. --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A horrible thing to hear from a doctor but here it is fodder for light-hearted merriment. Nice connection Angie.)
SECOND PLACE
"Yes, I can remove it, but why would you get such a stupid fucking tattoo in the first place?" --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: People in the tattoo removal business know better than to ask such a question. It would be like a doctor at an abortion clinic asking, "So why'd you fuck him then?" Still, it's good outside the fusebox thinking.)
THIRD PLACEYes, it appears you were switched at birth. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny comes limping back after sitting out a one-week suspension for substance abuse [puns mostly but we also found traces of a mixed metaphor.] Actually when Johnny didn't enter anything last week I felt like Mrs. Johhny there was a void in the contest. These caps both suck of course but it is good to have Johnny back! Don't scare us like that, okay buddy?)
HONORABLE MENTIONS"You're welcome, Gahan, and here's hoping the operation will finally let you come up with some half-decent cartoon ideas again." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As this contest proves week after week, creativity is not something you just turn on. Besides, this cartoon reaches the level of half-decent so you are way out of line with this.)


Fuse-box-in-sacro-iliac-joint, you crazy bastard! How are you? --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tortured variation on a classic that is not without merit.)
"If I find your fuse ill, you crazy bastard, how the hell are you going to go on?" --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The torture continues with no mercy or accuracy [there is no "hell" in the original.])
"I'm haunted by the faceplates of my victims."--Mike Mariano (JUDGE'S COMMENT: (Mike added the word "Obligatory" after this. I feel obliged to point out I have seen worse--much worse.)"She offered her honor. He honored her offer. All night long he was on her and off her." --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls a lame joke from the late 70's: What does Jimmy Carter have in common with the Long Island Railroad? They both pull out of Roslyn. [Roslyn is a town in Long Island in case you are wondering].)
"Now you can be ready whenever the mood is right."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And yes Jim, as I'm sure you are aware that's true even when you're alone!)

"And now I'll drive my fist into your chest which will turn on the implanted laser which will then bore a hole in my head mirror." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A very Gahan Wilson-like cap. Actually, I suspect he wrote it.)
After a week-long abscence from the anti-cap contest, Johnny B's doctor pronounces him good to go
Wheeeeeer's Johnny? --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He's up there in third place where he belongs.)
Since you're moving to LA al, you may want to get a dimmer switch. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You are 11 years too late. Never mistake a smile for friendship, money for class or slow for dim--that's what I've learned.)"You have an uncanny resemblance to Al's family. I think you were switched at birth." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this but it mentions me and my family with out saying something mean, prevereted or gross. I also most named it the winner but than I realized it also makes no sense. Thanks anyway.)

105 comments:

Dr. Feelgood said...

"I'm a doctor. Of course I turn you on."

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

Your wife requested an addition…

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

I can’t believe that you’re a former Playmate of the Month!

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

My presidential library is the size of a phone booth and people won’t pay to hear me blutcher the language, so I’ve become a pitchman for the Advanced Medical Technology Association.

Angus Podgorny said...

Fuse-box-in-sacro-iliac-joint, you crazy bastard! How are you?

Angus Podgorny said...

Sorry, Bob. As your best friend, I won't say.

Angus Podgorny said...

It's terminal.

Steve_O said...

"So you want your switch removed and replaced with a rheostat?"

Steve_O said...

"Yes, I can remove it, but why would you get such a stupid fucking tattoo in the first place?"

boneguy said...

Since you're moving to LA al, you may want to get a dimmer switch.

Richard H said...

"The surgery was a complete success, Mr. Sheen"

GabeeBabee said...

I wont ask and I wont tell,but really a lot of you people are switch-hitters

Anonymous said...

After a week-long abscence from the anti-cap contest, Johnny B's doctor pronounces him good to go.

Wheeeeeer's Johnny?

Little Joe Cartilige said...

It's OK to shake. Acromegealy is not contagious!

Anonymous said...

"You're bipolar"

boneguy said...

Does the "Dr. Jack Kervorkian Do-It-Yourself Home Euthanizer Kit" come with an instruction manual?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Tell me about your "On again, off again relationships"."

Dr Sumguy said...

"As CEO of Circuit City, you did what?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Just checking for a right hernia. NOW COUGH!"

Mike Mariano said...

"I'm haunted by the faceplates of my victims."

(Obligatory)

Mike Mariano said...

"I just want—I just wanna flick it. Come on; put your head on the desk, just let me go back and forth, back and forth, feel it wiggle, listen to the click-click, click-click. Yeah, that's the stuff."

Dr Sumguy said...

"She offered her honor. He honored her offer. All night long he was on her and off her."

Steve_O said...

"AC or DC?"

David Macharelli said...

"Christ, you look a lot like George W Bush."

David Macharelli said...

"I'm afraid to pull the ball chain that's sticking out of my asshole."

Anonymous said...

Sorry, David, but Dubya's switch was stuck in the off position.

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

So we're on for Tuesday?

Glenn said...

"I finally get to meet Onandoffman, failed superhero. So, apparently your 'kryptonite' is right there on the back of your head, eh? We can certainly do something about that. And we wont even need the anesthesiologist, ha, ha ha!"

Anonymous said...

"Onoff - is that Russian?"

Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your head.

Jim Cavanaugh

blows less now said...

Welcome back, Johnny (and Jimbo and Angus)

Anonymous said...

"You have an uncanny resemblance to Al's family. I think you were switched at birth."

Slack-a-gogo said...

"Why don't you sleep on it? And if you still don't think it's funny in the morning I'll spring for a lampshade to cover it up. Agreed?

AWags said...

Bob instinctively turns off Dr. Schemway, who every Tuesday goes on and on about how he cleaned out a guy's intestines "with these two hands," then sticks out his hand and asks Bob to "give him some for that."

Satireguy said...

"You're welcome, Gahan, and here's hoping the operation will finally let you come up with some half-decent cartoon ideas again."

Satireguy said...

"Pull my finger, you crazy lobotomized bastard."

Slack-a-gogo said...

"Of course it's an unorthadox approach! But be honest, have you thought about your chlamydia once since the surgery?"

Utellme said...

"That's right, Mr. Limpit. No more Viagra and you can put the jumper cables back in your trunk where they belong . . . okay, could you hit the switch now? You're lifting my desk off the floor."

Utellme said...

"We're going to blow them away at the convention. You make Frankenstein's freak look like a wind-up toy. What? A remote control? Dammit! Why didn't I think of that?"

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
G.E. Lookztooped said...

"I'm sorry, but as your doctor, I must re-FUSE your request."

Harry Palmmz said...

"Wacking 'OFF' is still an option, yes."

Neville Alcindor said...

Do let's stop with the phony British bullshit. It's pronounced 'Switched'!

cta said...

"Well, your sex life should get a lot more interesting. That's a three-way switch!"

smuck said...

"Here at Cancer Therapy Centers of America, our novel procedures have saved thousands of lives*. By the way, that will be $25,000."

* Results not typical. These statements have not been verified by the FDA.

boneguy said...

What the hell makes you think you can jump start my car without any cables?

JohnnyB said...

Yes, it appears you were switched at birth.

Dr Sumguy said...

"My head mirror for your electroswitch.---DEAL!"

Dr. A.E. Neuman said...

"Watt? Me worry?"

Dex said...

"I was driving in this morning and some asshole flipped me off. I mean, gave me the finger--sorry, no offense intended."

Jenn I. Talia said...

"Would you like your genitals shaped like a plug or a socket?"

Anonymous said...

"12 volts, 110, 220 - what the fuck do I care. Will you be charging, or paying with straight cash, homey?"

Transfixed said...

"Turning yourself on is called masturbation, Mr. Dunn."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"What makes you think your wife is a control freak?"

Utellme said...

"Two years ago I installed a kill switch in one of my patients and he turned into a homicidal maniac. Go figure."

LMFAO said...

"Oh sure, we can fit you with Lo Jack; I did that for a pilot patient of mine last week. Oh, wait, that was highjack."

REX said...

"Stop staring at this white thing on me head. It's just Gahan Wilson's way of indicating I'm a doctor. He's old school you know."

Utellme said...

"There was a Dr. Wire E. Coyote who secretly experimented on slaves in the 1820s, installing some sort of primitive electrical device in the head of Nat Turner. He was ostracized by the medical community, as many blamed him for the subsequent revolt. Nevertheless, he was light-years ahead of Edison."

Utellme said...

"So . . . last night your wife blew your fuse? And this morning you screwed your plug into her box? I see you read the pamphlet I gave you on surface-mount technology. Just continue to socket to 'er, my friend!"

Anonymous said...

"I wish I had THAT kind of energy"

Anonymous said...

Is Nothing Sacred?

Glenn said...

"So because of your wife, you need 'on' and 'off' replaced with 'activado' and 'desactivado'"

Shelly said...

"If I find your fuse ill, you crazy bastard, how the hell are you going to go on?"

Austin said...

Pull my finger.

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

Why the long face, Senator? I’d be happy to remove that flip-flop doohickey now that it’s gotten me re-elected.

smuck said...

"Welcome to my office. Ah, you have some sort of 'head switch' problem. I don't have the time, skill, nor interest required to diagnose and cure that. So I'm going to prescribe an antibiotic, and we will see you again in a couple weeks. Good day. Next patient please!"

Glenn said...

"I understand that you have a rare form of narcolepsy."

Anonymous said...

Take two amperes and call me in the morning.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr. Strangelove said...

"Sometime during the procedure, my pupils dislodged and fell on your occipital lobe. You literally have eyes in the back of your head."

Dr. Strangelove said...

"Yes, of course we'll have to reopen you. But not me this time. Heh heh heh heh heh. Tea?"

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. I hear you've been plugging my receptionist.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

It's only on or off; Dubya got the last dimmer.

Jim Cavanaugh

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

You’ve done it! You’ve made Viagra obsolete and ushered-in a new era of Guitar Hero.

Anonymous said...

"You're not Amish, are you?"

Anonymous said...

"Our death panel thinks you should have your head examined."

NAMBY said...

"Okay, so you've got an erection lasting longer than four hours. No problem. I'll just have to jerk you 'off.'"

Bones said...

"I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"

B.B. Milo said...

my head is fine but can you re-attach my kneecap?

Dr Sumguy said...

"I can't help you. I'm referring you to the Geek Squad!"

Dex said...

You have Gonorrhea, or if you'd prefer to call it, "Clap on"

Switched at Mirth said...

"I know you'd like to have children, Mr. Leviton, but all of our receptacles have been sterilized."

Switch Blade said...

"I'd steer clear of blondes if I were you. The dumb ones will turn you on, and the smart ones will turn you off. On second thought, the dumb ones will turn you on and off."

cta said...

"Well, you know what they say..'Power corrupts'"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Unintentional artificial penisinflation. I suggest sleeping on your side, unless of coarse you have a Tempurpedic Mattress!"

Dr Sumguy said...

course

Gary P said...

"Mr. Luke, glad to meet you. I am your father. Feel the back of my head, if you don't believe me."

Sheet Rock said...

"How long have you been off-the-wall?"

Dr. No Way said...

"Steel plate IN your head, switch plate ON your head, what difference does it make?"

Dr. No (Way in Hell) said...

"You have a short? A short what?"

Dr. M. Al Praktuss said...

"Have you flipped?"

Anonymous said...

"You're not one of those power hungry politicians, are you?"

Glenn said...

"New Spinal Tap drummer? Hey, smell the glove!"

Ronnie Hubbard said...

Scientology has freed you from the evils of Psychiatry. Now go snuff Brooke.

The Energizer Bunny said...

Well, even a sex machine needs to wear a condom.

Anonymous said...

"Now you can be ready whenever the mood is right."

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"You turn me on? No, I turn you on."

Gary P said...

Ten years ago, people envisioned death panels. None of them anticipated what was to come.

Greenie Stickem Caps said...

"Sometimes you make me think I'm talking to a wall."

Satireguy said...

"And now I'll drive my fist into your chest which will turn on the implanted laser which will then bore a hole in my head mirror."

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