NOTE: The milestone 300th Caption Contest brings fourth the work of Gahan Wilson, a gifted if slightly creepy cartoonist who has long been a personal favorite of mine. The venerable Mr Wilson, now 82, was last seen here just over a year ago with a somewhat Remarkably, the corresponding Anti-Cap contest (No. 245 ) remains one of the most visited pages on this blog. I suspect that it draws interest because it was inked by the Gahanmeister. Maybe this one will gain similar level of interest. Cartoon-wise it is much better. Nice to have you back, old friend, live long and prosper. And, yes, I know you are reading this.
WINNER
FIRST PLACEIt's terminal. --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A horrible thing to hear from a doctor but here it is fodder for light-hearted merriment. Nice connection Angie.)
SECOND PLACE"Yes, I can remove it, but why would you get such a stupid fucking tattoo in the first place?" --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: People in the tattoo removal business know better than to ask such a question. It would be like a doctor at an abortion clinic asking, "So why'd you fuck him then?" Still, it's good outside the fusebox thinking.)
THIRD PLACEYes, it appears you were switched at birth. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny comes limping back after sitting out a one-week suspension for substance abuse [puns mostly but we also found traces of a mixed metaphor.] Actually when Johnny didn't enter anything last week I felt like
HONORABLE MENTIONS"You're welcome, Gahan, and here's hoping the operation will finally let you come up with some half-decent cartoon ideas again." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As this contest proves week after week, creativity is not something you just turn on. Besides, this cartoon reaches the level of half-decent so you are way out of line with this.)
Fuse-box-in-sacro-iliac-joint, you crazy bastard! How are you? --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tortured variation on a classic that is not without merit.)
"If I find your fuse ill, you crazy bastard, how the hell are you going to go on?" --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The torture continues with no mercy or accuracy [there is no "hell" in the original.])
"I'm haunted by the faceplates of my victims."--Mike Mariano (JUDGE'S COMMENT: (Mike added the word "Obligatory" after this. I feel obliged to point out I have seen worse--much worse.)"She offered her honor. He honored her offer. All night long he was on her and off her." --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls a lame joke from the late 70's: What does Jimmy Carter have in common with the Long Island Railroad? They both pull out of Roslyn. [Roslyn is a town in Long Island in case you are wondering].)
"Now you can be ready whenever the mood is right."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And yes Jim, as I'm sure you are aware that's true even when you're alone!)
"And now I'll drive my fist into your chest which will turn on the implanted laser which will then bore a hole in my head mirror." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A very Gahan Wilson-like cap. Actually, I suspect he wrote it.)
After a week-long abscence from the anti-cap contest, Johnny B's doctor pronounces him good to go
Wheeeeeer's Johnny? --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He's up there in third place where he belongs.)
Since you're moving to LA al, you may want to get a dimmer switch. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You are 11 years too late. Never mistake a smile for friendship, money for class or slow for dim--that's what I've learned.)"You have an uncanny resemblance to Al's family. I think you were switched at birth." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this but it mentions me and my family with out saying something mean, prevereted or gross. I also most named it the winner but than I realized it also makes no sense. Thanks anyway.)
93 comments:
"I'm a doctor. Of course I turn you on."
Your wife requested an addition…
I can’t believe that you’re a former Playmate of the Month!
My presidential library is the size of a phone booth and people won’t pay to hear me blutcher the language, so I’ve become a pitchman for the Advanced Medical Technology Association.
Sorry, Bob. As your best friend, I won't say.
It's terminal.
"So you want your switch removed and replaced with a rheostat?"
Since you're moving to LA al, you may want to get a dimmer switch.
"The surgery was a complete success, Mr. Sheen"
I wont ask and I wont tell,but really a lot of you people are switch-hitters
After a week-long abscence from the anti-cap contest, Johnny B's doctor pronounces him good to go.
Wheeeeeer's Johnny?
It's OK to shake. Acromegealy is not contagious!
"You're bipolar"
Does the "Dr. Jack Kervorkian Do-It-Yourself Home Euthanizer Kit" come with an instruction manual?
"Tell me about your "On again, off again relationships"."
"As CEO of Circuit City, you did what?"
"Just checking for a right hernia. NOW COUGH!"
"I'm haunted by the faceplates of my victims."
(Obligatory)
"I just want—I just wanna flick it. Come on; put your head on the desk, just let me go back and forth, back and forth, feel it wiggle, listen to the click-click, click-click. Yeah, that's the stuff."
"She offered her honor. He honored her offer. All night long he was on her and off her."
"AC or DC?"
"Christ, you look a lot like George W Bush."
Sorry, David, but Dubya's switch was stuck in the off position.
Jim Cavanaugh
So we're on for Tuesday?
"I finally get to meet Onandoffman, failed superhero. So, apparently your 'kryptonite' is right there on the back of your head, eh? We can certainly do something about that. And we wont even need the anesthesiologist, ha, ha ha!"
"Onoff - is that Russian?"
There's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your head.
Jim Cavanaugh
Welcome back, Johnny (and Jimbo and Angus)
"You have an uncanny resemblance to Al's family. I think you were switched at birth."
"Why don't you sleep on it? And if you still don't think it's funny in the morning I'll spring for a lampshade to cover it up. Agreed?
Bob instinctively turns off Dr. Schemway, who every Tuesday goes on and on about how he cleaned out a guy's intestines "with these two hands," then sticks out his hand and asks Bob to "give him some for that."
"You're welcome, Gahan, and here's hoping the operation will finally let you come up with some half-decent cartoon ideas again."
"Of course it's an unorthadox approach! But be honest, have you thought about your chlamydia once since the surgery?"
"That's right, Mr. Limpit. No more Viagra and you can put the jumper cables back in your trunk where they belong . . . okay, could you hit the switch now? You're lifting my desk off the floor."
"We're going to blow them away at the convention. You make Frankenstein's freak look like a wind-up toy. What? A remote control? Dammit! Why didn't I think of that?"
"I'm sorry, but as your doctor, I must re-FUSE your request."
"Wacking 'OFF' is still an option, yes."
"Well, your sex life should get a lot more interesting. That's a three-way switch!"
"Here at Cancer Therapy Centers of America, our novel procedures have saved thousands of lives*. By the way, that will be $25,000."
* Results not typical. These statements have not been verified by the FDA.
What the hell makes you think you can jump start my car without any cables?
Yes, it appears you were switched at birth.
"My head mirror for your electroswitch.---DEAL!"
"Watt? Me worry?"
"Would you like your genitals shaped like a plug or a socket?"
"12 volts, 110, 220 - what the fuck do I care. Will you be charging, or paying with straight cash, homey?"
"Turning yourself on is called masturbation, Mr. Dunn."
"What makes you think your wife is a control freak?"
"Two years ago I installed a kill switch in one of my patients and he turned into a homicidal maniac. Go figure."
"Oh sure, we can fit you with Lo Jack; I did that for a pilot patient of mine last week. Oh, wait, that was highjack."
"Stop staring at this white thing on me head. It's just Gahan Wilson's way of indicating I'm a doctor. He's old school you know."
"There was a Dr. Wire E. Coyote who secretly experimented on slaves in the 1820s, installing some sort of primitive electrical device in the head of Nat Turner. He was ostracized by the medical community, as many blamed him for the subsequent revolt. Nevertheless, he was light-years ahead of Edison."
"So . . . last night your wife blew your fuse? And this morning you screwed your plug into her box? I see you read the pamphlet I gave you on surface-mount technology. Just continue to socket to 'er, my friend!"
"I wish I had THAT kind of energy"
Is Nothing Sacred?
"So because of your wife, you need 'on' and 'off' replaced with 'activado' and 'desactivado'"
Pull my finger.
Why the long face, Senator? I’d be happy to remove that flip-flop doohickey now that it’s gotten me re-elected.
"Welcome to my office. Ah, you have some sort of 'head switch' problem. I don't have the time, skill, nor interest required to diagnose and cure that. So I'm going to prescribe an antibiotic, and we will see you again in a couple weeks. Good day. Next patient please!"
"I understand that you have a rare form of narcolepsy."
Take two amperes and call me in the morning.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Sometime during the procedure, my pupils dislodged and fell on your occipital lobe. You literally have eyes in the back of your head."
"Yes, of course we'll have to reopen you. But not me this time. Heh heh heh heh heh. Tea?"
Congratulations. I hear you've been plugging my receptionist.
Jim Cavanaugh
It's only on or off; Dubya got the last dimmer.
Jim Cavanaugh
You’ve done it! You’ve made Viagra obsolete and ushered-in a new era of Guitar Hero.
"You're not Amish, are you?"
"Our death panel thinks you should have your head examined."
"Okay, so you've got an erection lasting longer than four hours. No problem. I'll just have to jerk you 'off.'"
"I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
my head is fine but can you re-attach my kneecap?
"I can't help you. I'm referring you to the Geek Squad!"
You have Gonorrhea, or if you'd prefer to call it, "Clap on"
"I know you'd like to have children, Mr. Leviton, but all of our receptacles have been sterilized."
"I'd steer clear of blondes if I were you. The dumb ones will turn you on, and the smart ones will turn you off. On second thought, the dumb ones will turn you on and off."
"Well, you know what they say..'Power corrupts'"
"Unintentional artificial penisinflation. I suggest sleeping on your side, unless of coarse you have a Tempurpedic Mattress!"
course
"Mr. Luke, glad to meet you. I am your father. Feel the back of my head, if you don't believe me."
"How long have you been off-the-wall?"
"Steel plate IN your head, switch plate ON your head, what difference does it make?"
"You have a short? A short what?"
"Have you flipped?"
"You're not one of those power hungry politicians, are you?"
"New Spinal Tap drummer? Hey, smell the glove!"
Scientology has freed you from the evils of Psychiatry. Now go snuff Brooke.
Well, even a sex machine needs to wear a condom.
"Now you can be ready whenever the mood is right."
Jim Cavanaugh
"You turn me on? No, I turn you on."
Ten years ago, people envisioned death panels. None of them anticipated what was to come.
"Sometimes you make me think I'm talking to a wall."
"And now I'll drive my fist into your chest which will turn on the implanted laser which will then bore a hole in my head mirror."
I would like to share it with all my friends and hope they will like it too.
Bom
www.imarksweb.org
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