Monday, September 26, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #304

Note: Maybe the contest is fading or maybe the tourists and irony -impaired have drifted away, but the number of entries fell to fewer than 80 this week. It's low but this matters not to me. I offer this contest as a public service. It is a forum for the rage, frustration and befuddlement we feel when we see a cartoon that calls for a caption that is stupid, racist, overly simplistic or just totally lame. We wade through a lot of muck to find something that is worthy of a cynical smile or a knowing nod. That's what its all about.


WINNERSFIRST PLACE
Upon receiving a call to arms, Myron took everything in his arsenal except the old battle-axe, which had dulled considerably over the years.--
Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Admittedly this narrative cap has some issues. The "call to arms" part is dumb, "battle-axe" is antiquated, and the name "Myron" is all wrong for this guy. ["Myron" would be be open to negotiations.] But it is very imaginative in a pathetic yet witty way.)
SECOND PLACE
"Michael, you hadn't told me that Roger and Me 2 was being co-directed by Michael Bay." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute and far reaching, but way too high brow for us. Still, this would never get a nod from the NYer contest because it is also really fucking stupid playfully absurd.)
THIRD PLACE
"Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a club, axe, flame thrower, shotgun, blunderbuss, javelins, bow and arrows, revolver, grenades, boomerang, rifle, and bayonet to a switchblade- harpoon- uzi- sling- brass knuckles- dagger- nunchaku- minigun- taser- lance- pistol- flail- and katana-fight.--Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit long winded. In fact I didn't even read the whole thing. But I get the obvious Sean Connery reference. Way too much effort went into this.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS"For Chrissakes, whatever you do, don't open with the bra trick!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A terrible cap redeemed a little by the current-events angle. It included a link to a story about some asshole school official who thought it would be really cool to do a magic trick that made it appear he had pulled the bra off of a woman. [Who apparently was self conscious about her small tits.] Humiliation ensued for every one involved. Kathy no doudt included this as a cautionary tale.)



"Careful! Animal control called to warn you! Lil' Rocky Raccoon is Black Belt Certified in Cunt Few!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls this contest's original directive, which was to spit out the worst possible caption. Congrats.)


Enjoy the Raiders game, dear. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins several caps that suggest the well armed man is headed to a specific destination. Raider fans have a reputation for instilling fear. The team, not so much. Dodger game might have been more accurate.)"Good luck job-hunting, honey."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is very poorly conceived. Metaphorically, he doesn't want to "kill" the job, he wants to capture it and make it his. If HR even suspects you're packing heat they won't hire you.)
"Have fun at your Tea Party meeting." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They're not meetings, they're rallies. And people who frequent them don't go looking for fun, they are looking for a hug, which seldom comes at the point of a gun.)
"Have fun stormin' the castle!"--Cee Kane (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not exactly "We're going to need a bigger boat" not even close to "Leave the gun, take the canoli" but a very memorable movie line. Made my wife laugh so I had to give it props. )
"He hunts just like a woman. But he breaks just like a little girl." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Women hunt with far less weaponry but "Just Like A Woman" is Dylan at his best.)

"Fusillade, you crazy bastard! How late are you going to be home?" --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic but the second half is lame.)

Let's get 'em out of the way:"Christ, what an asshole.""Well, Obama did promise us change.""It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this.""Everyone knows your flamethrower is a clip-on.""The firepower here is obscene." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Entered early and I appreciate the nod to our beloved classics but, sadly, smuck went with quantity over quality and that's too bad. Also where is "Mr. Bond?" And I for one would not have minded if you had brought along a couple of midgets.)

"Honey, you're going about this the wrong way. If you've any hopes of winning this battle, you must do one of the following:1. Make a reverential and, preferably, obscure Dylan reference.2. Mention alinla and his immediate family.3. Do a variation of that 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard...' cartoon (may it rest in peace).4. Say something about the Mets--Smoke Gets Up Your Ass (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a germ of truth here but the Mets are irrelevant and I'd prefer that you not make comments about my family. If you think this is a battle you have lived a sheltered life.)
"He could have been an accountant or a tennis star. But those bastards reduced his combat pay, extended his tour of duty, and cut off his mental health benefits when he got back. Now everybody's asking why he couldn't adjust. Adjust to what? A dream that bust?" --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The tale end quotes from the Dylan song "Clean Cut Kid" it still raises the obvious question: Who the hell is she talking to? )

Honestly al, you could just email Radosh your congratulations.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggest that I have some type of hostility toward the founding father of this contest which could not be further from the truth. It also suggests that I would need an arsenal to take him down when in reality I could snap that skinny little wimp over my knee like a twig. [Just sayin'])
"Well, dear, at least you're doing something today."-- al's wife (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you only knew how far from the truth this is these days your cheeks would have a crimson glow.)
don't take it so personally. He wouldn't know a funny anti-cap if it bit him in the ass.-- badman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So true. So true.)

81 comments:

Paleo Paul said...

Did you remember your brown underpants?

David Macharelli said...

"Michael, you hadn't told me that Roger and Me 2 was being co-directed by Michael Bay."

Ex-wife's last words said...

"I got the house, so you can still go fuck yourself."

Anonymous said...

"Wait Honey, that's not a cudgel. It's my vibrator."

Anonymous said...

"Have fun stormin' the castle!"

Cee Kane

smuck said...

"Good luck at the oral surgeon, honey. You're armed to the teeth, but I'm not sure he gives teeth to the armed."

smuck said...

Let's get 'em out of the way:

"Christ, what an asshole."
"Well, Obama did promise us change."
"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this."
"Everyone knows your flamethrower is a clip-on."
"The firepower here is obscene."

smuck said...

"Don't forget to pick up your klan robe at the cleaners on your way back from the tea party rally."

Dex said...

"I really enjoyed it and thanks again for wearing protection."

Utellme said...

Upon receiving a call to arms, Myron took everything in his arsenal except the old battle-axe, which had dulled considerably over the years.

Glenn said...

"Ah am so proud to be married to the first gen-u-ahn redneck sue-a-sahd bomber. Have a good time at that there White House, dear!"

Steve_O said...

"Have fun at your Tea Party meeting."

Grandpa said...

Watch out for the autos!

The Captain said...

"Jesus Christ, where are you going with those fucking weapons?"

Anonymouse said...

"Whaddya mean you're going to the audition to replece Clarence Clemons?"

Connie Spiracy said...

"Remember now, Ray-Ray, Ladybird said you need to be at the grassy knoll by 12:30 pm sharp."

Dr Sumguy said...

"You forgot your Flomax!"

boneguy said...

Enjoy your first day as curator of the Mosh Pit Museum.

boneguy said...

You forgot the guillotine!

Tim H said...

"Remember, don't fire 'til you see the whites of their eyes."

Kathy H said...

"When Eisenhower spoke about the military-industrial complex, hon, he was talking about you."

Anonymouse said...

"Helen's coming over for dinner, so try to get three rabbits this time, OK?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Carefull! Word has it, lil' Jimmies black footed ferret is on the loose again, and his bladder stones are acting up!"

Anonymous said...

"Good luck job-hunting, honey."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Since he left office, Dick Cheney has time to keep the moles away from his lawn.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"World War III re-enactment??? But, honey, it hasn't happened yet."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Now this time, you just stick to your guns when you're going through security, honey!"


---blw

GlennP said...

If that won't keep the bullies from calling you "Funnel Head," I don't know what will.

badman said...

This may seem like a bad time to bring it up, but I need another mastectomy.

badman said...

don't take it so personally. He wouldn't know a funny anti-cap if it bit him in the ass.

Tim H said...

"So tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do without my boomerang?!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Don't forget your swiss army knife."

Anonymous said...

Worst team mascot, ever

Dr Sumguy said...

"Medicare called. They just put you on their endangered feces list!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Medicare called. They just put you on their endangered feces list!"

Glenn said...

You never know when a moment can turn into something more. Side effects include absolute fucking weirdness and suicide by cop. If you think you're going to go off with grenades strapped to your belt, stop taking Cialas and call your psychiatrist.

Steve_O said...

"Add an H-bomb to your arsenal and it won't matter. You still have a tiny dick."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Now go out there and bust some anti-caps in their punk asses."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Fusillade, you crazy bastard! How late are you going to be home?"

JohnnyB said...

They closed your branch, Chuck, it's too late to go postal.

Suzanna said...

"I don't care about your damn war, George...I mean, it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"

Kathy H said...

"Hey, Ironman, hows about taking out the garbage?!"

boneguy said...

I still think it's a weird way to let the President know he's doing a great job.

boneguy said...

Honestly al, you could just email Radosh your congratulations.

al's wife said...

"Well, dear, at least you're doing something today."

stcoleridge said...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love brought to me,

A bayonetted rifle,
One Colt revolver,
One giant cudgel,
One battle ax,
One blunderbuss,
One flame thrower,
One boomerang,
One longbow,
One quiver of arrows (three which could be lighted),
A 410 Over/Under,
And a belt holding four grenades.

But, alas, he would not stay.

Anonymous said...

“Now. c’mon, honey. Those METS played their hearts out this year. That’s no way to go to Fan Appreciation Day!”


---Left Coast Wayne

smuck said...

"He hunts just like a woman. But he breaks just like a little girl."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's taking a timeout from his anger management program."

Smoke Gets Up Your Ass said...

"Honey, you're going about this the wrong way. If you've any hopes of winning this battle, you must do one of the following:

1. Make a reverential and, preferably, obscure Dylan reference.
2. Mention alinla and his immediate family.
3. Do a variation of that 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard...' cartoon (may it rest in peace).
4. Say someting about the Mets.

And whatever you do, be careful; that's cudgel's carrying my DNA!"

Angus Podgorny said...

"He could have been an accountant or a tennis star. But those bastards reduced his combat pay, extended his tour of duty, and cut off his mental health benefits when he got back. Now everybody's asking why he couldn't adjust. Adjust to what? A dream that bust?"

PaleoPaul said...

If you took that stupid funnel out of your head you wouldn't get these crazy ideas.

Anonymouse said...

"And, when you get back, remember to wipe your feet."

Kathy H said...

"For Chrissakes, whatever you do, don't open with the bra trick!"

stcoleridge said...

"Have fun at the NRA meeting, Dear!"

Walt said...

Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a club, axe, flame thrower, shotgun, blunderbuss, javelins, bow and arrows, revolver, grenades, boomerang, rifle, and bayonet to a switchblade- harpoon- uzi- sling- brass knuckles- dagger- nunchaku- minigun- taser- lance- pistol- flail- and katana-fight.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Careful! Animal control called to warn you! Lil' Rocky Raccoon is Black Belt Certified in Cunt Few!"

Anonymous said...

"I'm so proud of you, Honey---recipient of the NRA's very first Humanitarian Award!!!"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Now be safe, honey.”


---blw

boneguy said...

Enjoy the Raiders game, dear.

boneguy said...

I'm pregnant.

Glenn said...

"I want a divorce."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's auditioning as Gimli the Dwarf Warrior, in the J R R Tolkien sequel, The Rectum of the King."

Dr Sumguy said...

He has an impacted colon, and he's not going to take it anymore!

Utellme said...

Yes, dear. You DO look fat in that vest.

Utellme said...

In about 14 minutes, Morty McMortenson is going to learn how it feels to be called a spear chucker.

Utellme said...

"But you haven't had your Wheaties."

Dr Sumguy said...

With an impacted colon, he's mad as hell, and not going take it anymore!

Anonymous said...

"Remember what it said in the Book of Armaments. Count to five before you throw each grenade.

Satireguy said...

"Don't forget to get milk, bread and a dozen Uzis on your way home."

Richard H said...

"Or you could just pick up a Perdue chicken at the supermarket"

Tim H said...

"...and don't forget to floss!"

REX said...

"We'll see what you look like when Ru Paul gets through with you."

AW said...

"Blow out that flamethrower BEFORE you get on the bus this time."

AW said...

"Are you gonna go out in public in that hat?"

Postal-in-la said...

"I hear the post office is looking for a few good men."

Dex said...

"You bought obsolete weapons and are acting like the neighborhood bully--what are you, some kind of reverential and, preferably, obscure Dylan reference?"

Satireguy said...

Gone fishin'

Austin said...

Would it kill you to call me?

icaptionthat said...

Its a nice blog,keep posting

Olivawsrs said...

Since he left office, Dick Cheney has time to keep the moles away from his lawn. Jim Cavanaugh

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.