NOTE: Like those hapless souls cleaning up after the tornadoes that have left countless homes in ruins, I continue to sort through the rubble of Anti-Caps left languishing in recent weeks. Unlike Joplin residents, I do not have the aid of FEMA, Red Cross or even premium cable. (You want devastation? I am on week seven of no HBO!) Yes, I am still in Florida and trust me when I say I have more pressing matters that need my attention. I also like to tend to Anti-Cap
So stayed tuned. I will get to all the contests and we'll be back on track in no time. Just wait and see.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Anyone ever call you crazy, horse?" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With only six words this cap makes a stupid little pun that fits the image and captures the essence of the shrink/patient relationship. It also pays tribute to Neil Young's long-time band.)
SECOND PLACEYou're a horse's ass.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A close cousin of "asshole," a "horse's ass" is a "jerk off" who is not necessarily a "douche bag." Kind of fits. )
THIRD PLACE"You say that your father was an ass and your mother died in childbirth?" --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The type of scenario that sends many to the couch--and here it could be be literally true. That's why this works well enough for third place.)
HONORABLE MENTIONSSo the man pulled the glove up to his shoulder. Then what?--Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all know what "what" is. At least he wore a glove. This reminds us that fisting is often traumatic. )
You're doing that clacking patty-cake thing with your heels again. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which would be totally annoying. Great imagery. It's almost like we're in the office with them.)
"And when did you start experiencing horseness and shortness of breath?" --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no evidence that the patient has breathing issues so this would have been much better if it was just "horseness." That's why Carol Lou is a B-list player.)
You don't need to always be the centaur of attention--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speaking of B-list players...Johnny goes for the obvious and, yes, he has coughed up a
"Hey, when did you get a ponytail?"--Cathy X (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cathy, who is rumored to the grand-daughter of Malcolm, is a new name appearing in a contest that has lost some of its popularity due to my
"Furietti, you crazy bastard! How are you going to afford my rates?" --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We begin to get the sense that Carol Lou is some kind of braineack chick who probably wear's glasses and has too many cats. Her cap keeps a classic alive but only with the help of a link that explains a word that is unknown to even smart people. So...like what's the point?)
"So you're hung like a man... Deal with it." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is slightly funny because there are those men who are not as well hung as a horse--that's what I'm guessing anyway. )
Lott Montana fake commercial re: masculine itching
No real point to its inclusion..--Boy Howdy explained (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is in response to an observation I made in the comment on a previous week's winner. It comes at a time when I often wonder if people are going back to read my catch-up Anti-Cap work. Turns out the "Boy Howdy" exclamation comes from an old SNL bit. Noted. )
"Und ven did you get der delusions dat der contest entries vud be judged? --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It would not be surprising if some Anti Cappers were compelled to seek counseling when the results were slow to come. For many, sanity is a fickle mistress.)
75 comments:
Just so everyone is on the same page, check out this previous entry featuring centaurs.
It's an obvious case of genus envy.
Jim Cavanaugh
"It's a chaise longue, not a 'chaise lounge.' Were you raised in a barn?"
Could you speed it up? My day's coming down the backstretch.
You don't need to always be the centaur of attention
So you are now in a stable relationship, but she's a nag?
So I take it you're a Sagittarius.
Well...I do have an opening on Satyrday
"Next we'll delve into why you would go home to your wife fully clothed yet choose to come here buck naked."
You probably wouldn't fart so much if you sat with your legs crossed.
"Hey, when did you get a ponytail?"
Cathy X
"Have you been depressed furlong?"
"Full recovery is a long shot, currently 30 to 1."
"Time's up in a minotaur less."
"I understand your concern over having a small penis, and I'm here to help you lick that problem."
"How does it make you feel the be both the stud and the beard in the relationship?"
You're doing that clacking patty-cake thing with your heels again.
"I would be depressed and angry if I couldn't wipe my ass too."
"Oh, I am so sorry. Did I say behooves again?"
And exactly when did you start having these equine feelings?
"And which bothers you more, the horse body or the man boobs?"
"Look. I think you should set your sights a bit lower than the Belmont Stakes."
"Anyone ever call you crazy, horse?"
"So, what makes you think you're the reincarnation of Paul Revere's horse?"
"Because if I look at you, I'll want to cook you."
"I don't know what you're so depressed. You're hung like a horse."
"Ah, your mother is Sarah Jessica Parker. That explains a lot."
"For the last time, when I say 'Oedipal feelings' I don't mean your sexual attraction to Oedipus. That's a topic for another session."
Giants closer Brian Wilson, San Francisco, gay sex with animals. Got it.
"H'mmm. Acute stress disorder, ever since an Amish vet rectal exam!"
"I finished with my last patient, so now it the turn of the centaur...eeeeee!"
"A gelding. How barbaric. I'm sorry -- did you ask me equestrian?"
"Bipolar? Hell, you're not even bipedal!"
"You say that your father was an ass and your mother died in childbirth?"
"Und ven did you get der delusions dat der contest entries vud be judged?
"You put your right hooves in,
You put your right hooves out,
You put your right hooves in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about."
"I myth my mother"
When you say that, "It's all greek to me" what precising are you talking about?
Your father was a quarter horse? I think I may have watched your conception in Tijuana.
Jim Cavanaugh
So the man pulled the glove up to his shoulder. Then what?
I'm sorry Mr. Wilpon. You just don't have the horsesense to run a professional baseball team.
And is it the same Amish man in all your nightmares?
Your wife's a nag? I figured as much.
Jim Cavanaugh
"So, what you're saying is that all your problems arose after being turned down for a part in Equus?"
Duh, whinnying!
Sorry, al
"Your file here says you have no balls. That's your problem. $200."
"Yes, I can see why you might think every day is a Satyrday."
So, Mr. Ed. I take it there's no Mrs?
Biped-curious... interesting.
Rocko
"All right Mr. X, our agreement is that I am not permitted to look at you. But you are going have to take care of that stench, or you will need to see a different therapist."
"So, you delude yourself into believing that your father was killed in the *snicker* chariot race scene during the filming of Ben-Hur when, in actuality, he went out for a box of sugar cubes and never came back?"
"You know, these days going bareback is extremely inadvisable."
"And WHY do you make your lover wear chaps? Oh, because he's English . . . "
"And when did you start experiencing horseness and shortness of breath?"
You have schizophrenia.
(I can't believe that I'm the first to post this one!)
You have Adidas envy.
You ate dogfood? Yes, that’s gross, but… Oh my God! Dogfood is made from…
You’re here because a passerby on the street called out “Hey, that’s two-things-ism” and you ran him down and stomped him half to death.
I thought we’d try a past regression and see where that led us.
Schedule for next week with my Secretariat on your way out.
Rocko
"First of all, is zis age correct, since za turf isn't matching za drapes, verstehen sie?"
"And how long have you felt like Franco Harris trapped in a Philly's body?"
"So you're hung like a man... Deal with it."
"So, it was after you won the lottery that you started to call yourself Rockefeller Centaur, correct?"
We validate, if that's of any interest to you.
Rocko
"Your CV describes a "Pony Tail".Which end?"
"My mistake. It's not an Oepidal complex if you just want to buck your mother."
"or Oedipal."
"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"
Half man, half horse? That's just crazy.
Lott Montana fake commercial re: masculine itching.
No real point to its inclusion.
"This place sucks."
"Yes, yes, this intense fear makes your insides hurt, like your stomach is in knots. And your intestines too. This is very common, actually. But that doesn't change that fact that it is offal."
People just don't understand satyre anymore.
"you seem a little uncentaured"
"'Oedipus' literally translates to "swollen feet"
" . . . And this Englishman, is HE the one that bloke you?"
"I smell undercarriage"
Do you think you deserve attention because you are deprived? ... or depraved?
At last ... the first openly gay major leaguer.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Yes, I can see why you might think every day is a Satyrday."
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