Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #288

NOTE: It is clear by now that some caps are included with the "winners" because they have an obscure reference or an inside joke or something shiny that catches my eye. Also included are caps that are so pathetic, idiotic or deprived that they merit attention. Moving forward, in an effort to make this easier for me to do tighter and more reader-friendly, I am avoiding those entries.
For example, an Anti-Capper calling himself "Q. Martin" entered a cap for this contest that said: "If William Conrad calls, tell him to him to fuck himself." This is not on the least bit funny but I feel the urge to explain that this a reference to the 70's detective show "Cannon," which was produced by Quinn Martin. Maybe I am trying to be helpful or just show off the endless stockpile of useless pop culture knowledge that swirls in my brain. Either way, just assume I know shit like that.
Naturally gratuitous references to Dylan will still be honored as will as rebuttal caps that comment on the comments. That seems only fair.

WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
I don't care if it bothers you. It's my Second Amendment right. --Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on a few levels. First, there are many gun nuts who believe the right to own fire arms is an absolute. They maintain there should be no limit on the number or size of the weapons they possess. In keeping with Darwin's theory on Natural Selection, some of these people end up inadvertently offing themselves. So, in essence, the Second Amendment gives people the right to shoot themselves. That is the statement Austin makes with this thoughtful caption, even if he did so inadvertently.)

SECOND PLACE
"What the hell else would you do for Fodder's day?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical, juvenile and in keeping with our rich tradition of horrible puns. Of course for me every day's is Father's Day. I have had lunch with him more often in the last month than I had in the first 50 years of my life.)

THIRD PLACE
Believe me, if I didn't work at a hospital, I would never commute this way. -- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Presumably, his co-workers scrap him off the pavement when he gets to work. Stupid but somewhat logical.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Fuck off, Non-Fan. What are YOU doing to celebrate Dylan's 70th?" --a(l)ss kisser (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who ever submitted this knows their audience. I celebrated by buying Greatest Hits Volume III on CD at Wal-Mart for $5. [I forgot to being by Ipod and have no music other than the radio and a bunch of Sinatra & Mozart CDs already in my dad's car] Playing it while driving around with my dad, he asked "How do you know what he is singing?" I said "I just do." )



"I'm like many American men, John - just waiting to be fired, and fucking the neighbor's wife. By the way, remember to pick up tampons." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The "fired" part makes for a nice little pun. Inserting "tampons" into it gives it an edge. Even so, we are reminded once again that Damon is a troubled soul. Also, most American men do not bang their neighbor's wife. At best, they beat-off thinking about her--if she is hot, I mean. )

"Landing won't be a problem; I have a breakfast meeting with Annette." --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is funny if we assume this Annette person has a Grand Canyon -thing going on. Also, even when used incorrectly, a semi-colon somehow makes the writer seem smarter to people who don't know any better [kind of like using the word "irregardless."] For the record there is no subordinate clause, so two separate sentences would have been fine.)

"The Evrolet lady is bending over to pick up a car. Opportunity does not knock twice, my friend." --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Anti-Cap regulars know this is a reference to a giant woman from a previous cartoon. We have all heard of people who have their head up their ass, this seems like a variation on that theme.)

Just gettin' the mobile colonoscopy unit ready to go. Trump's got time to see us now.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Trump may be a colossal asshole but he does not have a colossal ass--per se. This would have worked better with, say, Oprah.)

"I'm Rapture-ready, dude. It's my backup plan in case I get left here." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to Daniel Radosh's book. Just so you know, one of the reasons I put off judging these contests for a few weeks was to see how this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing panned out. [That, and my ad hoc care-giver role.] That's also why I didn't pay my AmX bill or send out any dry cleaning. Now, I feel a little silly, to be honest.)


"No, that's my brother; I'm Masochist Knievel" --Chad Knievel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...who the hell is "Chad?" This cap is contradicted by the signature. I guess we can assume the other brother, Sadistic Knievel would have shoved the other guy into the cannon.)

"Something is happening here but you don't know what it is, do you Mr. Jones?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From the classic "Ballad of a Thin Man." Some years ago, I heard Dylan intro this song at a concert by saying he wrote it about a reporter for the Village Voice. Usually Dylan does say much more than "Thank you. Good night," so it really stayed with me.)

what "it" is Satireguy is; WE'RE NEXT! Go Al Go Al..... --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I kind of get it and appreciate the sentiment. My only question is: "Go where?")

I’m not the man they think I am at home.Oh no no no. I’m a rocket man. Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone. --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have probably heard this song a billion times, but until reading this cap I did not know Elton was saying "burning out his fuse up here alone." I thought it was something like "burning down the streets of heaven, lord." The point is this contest is a learning experience for me--occasionally.)

"Fuse-litty, you crazy bastard. You better run." --Trom"Fuse lit you crazy bastard, howitzer the hell are you?" --Baker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Both these caps are variations on a classic cap. The first part of Trom's is better than the first part of Baker's, but the second part of Baker's is better than the first part of Trom's. And so it goes.)

JohnnyB the winner of an anti-cap contest! It IS the end of the world! Well, I'm going out with a bang.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please realize, JB, like the previous times you won, it was only because your cap sucked the least. Don't get a big head or that baseball cap will no longer fit.)

So I figure what the fuck, I'm cannon-fodder for alinla every week already.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, Jim, Jim...cannon-fodder is what you shoot. A target is what you shoot at. Please pull you head out of your ass and get your facts straight before you make a total JohnnyB out of yourself. )

Nah..this is what AL does to people like me who can't proof read for shit and end up posting the same friggin lame comment three times on his blog!! --BLONDE (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The cap in question was some stupid shit about using the cannon to deal with rush hour traffic in L.A. It is not so much the redundancy, it's the stupidity. )

Hi fella. I feel I must flee L.A. and fly to Fla. Mrs. Al will judge the contest - and do an excellent job. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did and she did. Now you have made me a little tiny bit sorry for the nasty things I said about you J.B. Still, for the record, pandering caps are seldom funny.)

Just gettin' 'er ready. If alinla's dad should pass he's gettin' the express to heaven.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My dad has been a hardcore atheist his entire life and shows no signs of flip-flopping as he reaches the home stretch. [Ironically, he does say "Holy shit! and "God damn it!" a lot] When he does pass away and finds himself at the Pearly Gates, it may be one of the rare times he admits he was wrong. Considering that his life has been defined by hard work, sacrifice for others and rock solid integrity, I believe he will be welcomed into heaven where he will quickly complain that he is bored. I can just hear him say: "Holy shit! There's not a God damned thing to do up here!] Thanks Jim.)

94 comments:

Steve_O said...

"Initiate ejaculation sequence."

JohnnyB said...

Hi fella. I feel I must flee L.A. and fly to Fla. Mrs. Al will judge the contest - and do an excellent job.

Gary P said...

"I bought it from Pachelbel."

new bubbly said...

It's the new ginger ale promo. Cannon-da Driveway

Trom said...

"Fuse-litty, you crazy bastard. You better run."

Corporal Flinger said...

"What? Would you prefer I trebuchet to work?"

Ken said...

Would you mind driving ahead and letting me know if there is a giant net about 6 miles due east?

boneguy said...

Believe me, if I didn't work at a hospital, I would never commute this way.

boneguy said...

It's the getting back home part I haven't figured out.

David said...

"Thanks for lighting my fuse, Roger. By the way, I've been sleeping with your wife, we're in love, and you'll be served divorce papers this afternoon. "

Q. Martin said...

"If William Conrad calls, tell him to him to fuck himself"

Sam Antic said...

"Landing won't be a problem; I have a breakfast meeting with Annette."

Los Angeles neighbor said...

"Enjoy your commute, Dickweed!!"

JohnnyB said...

I called in sick to my circus job. I'll be working at home today.

Damon said...

"Stop calling me a shill for big tobacco. This giant cigarette butt was the only vehicle I could afford."

DR Sumguy said...

"Just approved by the EPA. It's called "CUM-COMMUTE"!"

Anonymous said...

“Tell Marge I’ll be across town at the Dolenz home . . . and not to expect me back for dinner.”


---blw

DR Sumguy said...

"Just approved by the EPA. It's called "COME-COMMUTE"!"

Satireguy said...

"It's cut my commute time almost in half."

Anonymous said...

I'm Fired.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Why doesn't your car have a trunk?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

It requires a set of cannonballs, my friend.

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

This part is easy. The pre-flight TSA search was agonizing.

Tim H said...

"That's right. I am a missionary in The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints."

Kathy H said...

"Don't worry. Next week I'm building a 20-foot fence, so you won't even notice."

Anonymouse said...

"I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick out of you?"

Tim H said...

"Fuckin' helmet laws!"

Anonymouse said...

"What comes after 3...2...1?"

Kathy H said...

"At work we have Casualty Fridays."

Anonymous said...

"I'm Rapture-ready, dude. It's my backup plan in case I get left here."

Anonymous said...

"My cannon is way bigger than your...oh...wait...you don't even have a cannon."

BLONDE said...

"Gives new meaning to the term 'rear end emissions' don't it?"

Tammy Flew said...

"It's been this way for more than four hours."

Wide Mouth Bass said...

"Thanks for loaning me your cannon opener."

Baker said...

"Fuse lit you crazy bastard, howitzer the hell are you?"

Anonymous said...

So I figure what the fuck, I'm cannon-fodder for alinla every week already.

Jim Cavanaugh

David said...

"The way I see it, if you're to kill yourself, you should at least do it in style."

Anonymous said...

Just gettin' 'er ready. If alinla's dad should pass he's gettin' the express to heaven.

Jim Cavanaugh

BLONDE said...

Infinity and beyond??? Hmmm never thought of that way- just trying to get a jump on the rush hour traffic into LA!!!

BLONDE said...

Infinity and beyond??? Hmmm never thought of it that way- was just tryin' to beat the rush hour commute into LA!

BLONDE said...

Infinity and beyond??? Hmmm never thought of it that way- was just tryin' to beat the rush hour traffic into LA!

BLONDE said...

Nah..this is what AL does to people like me who can't proof read for shit and end up posting the same friggin lame comment three times on his blog!!

Austin said...

Could you back it into my garage later? Oh, and put this cannon away after I leave, too.

Glenn said...

"In her bedroom, right on top of her. Where do you think I'm gonna land?"

Glenn said...

"What the hell else would you do for Fodder's day?"

Damon said...

"I'm like many American men, John - just waiting to be fired, and fucking the neighbor's wife. By the way, remember to pick up tampons."

Tim H said...

"That's right. When they gave me this job, they said they were looking for a man of my caliber."

Anonymouse said...

"The Greatest Show on Earth? ...eh...."

boneguy said...

I like my brains scrambled. Why?

boneguy said...

What can I bring you back from the stratosphere,Phil?

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna miss the space shuttle, but this should be more reliable.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Just gettin' the mobile colonoscopy unit ready to go. Trump's got time to see us now.

Rocko

Steve_O said...

"I have a horrible fear that I will be left waiting in this cannon for three or four weeks and never get to the final blast."

Glenn said...

"Why? I don't know - same reason you're still driving a car from 1970?"

Anonymouse said...

I’m not the man they think I am at home.
Oh no no no. I’m a rocket man.
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone.

Scotty said...

"Hey, Jim, can you feed my cat for a few days? Oh yea, mail and newspapers, too. Thanks, man."

A. Gore said...

"Thank you, I invented this after finding inspiration in other cannons."

Techie Realist said...

"Don't worry. You can watch the replay anytime you want at www.suicidebycannon.net"

cta said...

"It's from ACME Corporation. What could possibly go wrong?"

Satireguy said...

"Yes, it's a big wick which allows me ample time to walk all the way around, climb the ladder and insert myself into the cannon. Oh, I'M a big wick. Well that's something entirely different."

Austin said...

I don't care if it bothers you. It's my Second Amendment right.

Cliff Einstein III said...

"You're the one who moved next door to Super-Dave."

Chad Knievel said...

"No, that's my brother; I'm Masochist Knievel"

Anonymous said...

Who doesn't still enjoy an occasional game of Shoots and Ladders?

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

JohnnyB the winner of an anti-cap contest! It IS the end of the world! Well, I'm going out with a bang.

JohnnyB said...

I can't "do this shit at the circus", as you suggest; I have a peanut allergy.

Shelly said...

"Attention: Lastly, standby passengers, we are now ready for final boarding. After traversing the jetway please enter and whatever you do, DO NOT fasten your seatbelts!"

a(l)ss kisser said...

"Fuck off, Non-Fan. What are YOU doing to celebrate Dylan's 70th?"

Self-indulgent capper said...

"I call this cannon 'Mary San F'....BOOOM!"

Big Red said...

I lost a bet with my wife. It was either this, or sandpaper a bobcat’s ass in a phone booth.

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"The Evrolet lady is bending over to pick up a car. Opportunity does not knock twice, my friend."

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Big Red said...

It’s a great way to travel, except for time I ended up clinging to the landing gear of a jumbo jet.

Steve_O said...

"Could you please bring me some food? I've been up here for weeks!"

Tim H said...

"I checked out all the other models, but this one gives me the biggest bang for the buck."

Utellme said...

"Because it reminds me of my wife's vagina, only it's warmer and it can't get pregnant."

Crash Test Dumb-Ass said...

"I'm going to give a shot-out to my homies in North Dakota, 'WHAZZUPP'!!!!"

Edward M Schupp (aka Big red) said...

Circus? No, I’m a Meteorologist.

Anonymous said...

"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"

Satireguy said...

"Something is happening here but you don't know what it is, do you Mr. Jones?"

Anonymous said...

"Fodder? I hardly..."

-- Dex

Anonymous said...

what "it" is Satireguy is; WE'RE NEXT! Go Al Go Al.....

smuck said...

"I've built this stupid contraption so I can watch your daughter while masturbating. Wait, that sounded wrong. She's the one who's masturbating."

JohnnyB said...

Remember the movie, "The Greatest Show on Earth"? It's like a circus every day living here with my dad. Excuse me, I have to go to the drug store.

Anonymous said...

al, al, al,

Cannon-Fodder: Soldiers considered expendable in the face of artillery fire.

Jim Cavanaugh

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