Monday, May 9, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #287

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA -- (May 30, 2011) --- Remember the beginning of Apocalypse Now? Martin Scheen's character looks out a window and we hear his voice say: "Saigon...Shit, I'm still only in Saigon..." That pretty much sums up how I feel when I look out the window here and am reminded that I am still only in a retirement community in south Florida. (For those wondering, I am definitely more of an errand boy than an assassin.) Although Saigon likely has better Chinese food, this is a more sedate and affable environment. Still, I have been here for more than a month and will probably be here for another month. This is also the most time I have ever spent with my father--who has never been much for socializing.
To put it in perspective, some years ago, when my mother was still with us, I visited my folks here while on a business trip. When I told my father I was coming on a Friday night and leaving Sunday afternoon. he said, "That's fine. Anything more than a few days gets annoying." (He has always been a plain spoken kind of guy--even more so now.)
The good new is I have been able to secure more reliable web access. I remain committed to judging the backlog of Anti Cap contests that have lined up like planes on the tarmac in bad weather. I can also see that the number of entries has fallen dramatically, proving once again that the judging is the big draw. Noted.


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE"Don't just stand there, give him the panties!" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh and would never get a nod from the "real contest." I know many contest regulars would have preferred that the cap specify the exact color and design of the undies in question. I imagined pink with white lace accents--if that helps.)


SECOND PLACE^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v_____________________--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first I was like "What the fuck?" but when I realized this cap is supposed to represent the man's heartbeat as seen on an EKG readout. You see, after being squeezed by a giant hand the man is flat-lining. I believe I am among the select handful [Get it? "Handful?"] who understood this. If I am right, this is a very original, if not especially funny, cap. If I am wrong we will likely never know.)


THIRD PLACE
"Now I know how my dick feels" --Jaques Hoff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For some reason--guilt I assume--Jaques deposited this gem twice. Hopefully he wiped up after himself both times.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS"Sorry, doll, I have to take this." --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a little bit funny if you assume the person with giant hand is doing the talking. )



"I'm on the phone with Prince Charles right now. He's very interested in our machine."-- David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few years ago, a recording surfaced that had Charles on the phone pitching woo to Camilla by telling her he wished he was a tampon about to be lodged into her privates. [To me, this seems not at all romantic--just totally gross.] Charles was only red-faced metaphorically, so we can assume he never got his wish.)
Futility, you crazy bastard! How are you going to resist?--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe this has been used before but we did not get many classics so...)

It's Radosh himself telling me to step down already. I suppose they're right -- I've basically destroyed the contest single-handedly. Yet I don't have the guts, dammit. --due to my current crisis, dot dot dot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! This is intellectually lazy, inaccurate and clearly entered by a douche bag. Radosh may be a giant to many of us, but he long ago washed his hands of this contest. The only thing I have destroyed is the fragile egos of marginally funny entrants who keep coming back for more.)
To Anonymous J. C.: Your anti-cap or a variation of it will likely win the New Yorker contest, and be judged sooner [sorry, L(al)A, couldn't help myself]. --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The cap in question was something like "I'm on hold." I agree that's the type of lame-ass shit that usually wins. I picked this to point out that the New Yorker has a three-week lag time between submission and validation. There have been some gripes about the fact that my normally quick turn-around has been slowed in recent weeks--but that's just cause you people are spoiled. I also like the way he put "al" inside the "LA.")
"Damn. Now we have to figure whether Mrs. al will think it's funny." --Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: She is tough but fair--I can tell you that. She has a terrific sense of humor and a lot of compassion, which explains why she married me. [I am glad she did.] )
"Honey, can you take care of judging the Anti-Caption Contest this week? And please be easy on Kathy H and her links. The poor girl can't help herself." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If the huge hand is supposed to be a metaphor for the force that drew me to Florida, it should be heavily scared from decades of manual labor. As for Kathy, I have learned she needs tough love if she is ever to curb her linking addiction.)
"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well that's not exactly what "they" say. It would be more accurate to say "Judge not and people who you have never met will rag on your ass.")

73 comments:

NAMBY said...

"A hand job isn't cheating...Right baby?"

LR said...

"Evrolet wants me to start right away!"

Steve_O said...

"Worst...handy...ever."

Gary P said...

A scene from King Kong (2012), in which the cries of racism over the previous films are addressed.

smuck said...

"Can you hear me now? Aaaaahhhhh!"

JohnnyB said...

I've been sexting with Evrolet Girl. Apparently her boyfriend found out.

JohnnyB said...

I did some bad things as a kid - involving some magic beans. Looks like it's caught up with me. Anyway, I love you. Goodbye.

JohnnyB said...

I brought along a couple of giants. Do you mind?

Damon said...

"It's Tom on the phone. He's a Shake Weight®, too, and he agrees: your sex toys are all inferior to me because they use batteries."

rescue-breathing torso said...

I don't think he's doing infant CPR quite right. and oh I crapped my pants!

Ho Ho Homer said...

Job review time at Green Giant vegatables. Of course He is white, he runs the company.

Tim H said...

"Say what you will, but this guy's got a killer manicure!"

Minny Bob said...

"Handy Dandy controversy surrounds him
He's been around the world and back again
Something in the moonlight still hounds him."

Damon said...

"So what if she's a giant? She also has a jungle gym with a wet slide for the kids! Try doing that with your vagina."

Anonymous said...

He said if I resist he'll shoot me in the eye.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Futility, you crazy bastard! How are you going to resist?

Rocko

Kathy H said...

"I knew if I shaved my head something like this would happen!"

Satireguy said...

"Apparently my contract is up."

Anonymous said...

"......and I'm Frands, and we're here to pump you."

dez

Glenn said...

"No, that's actually correlated to shoe size."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"Sorry, doll, I have to take this."

Anonymous said...

"I'm on hold."

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"That's right. I got the grippe."

due to my current crisis, dot dot dot said...

It's Radosh himself telling me to step down already. I suppose they're right -- I've basically destroyed the contest single-handedly. Yet I don't have the guts, dammit.

Anonymous said...

"I'm on the phone, bitch! Now get me four fingers of scotch."

wacky

Shelly said...

To Anonymous J. C.: Your anti-cap or a variation of it will likely win the New Yorker contest, and be judged sooner [sorry, L(al)A, couldn't help myself].

Hoho Pleschette said...

"We just had to order 'carry-out'."

Dali Se Llama said...

"I know we're small, but Richard Gere here thinks I'm a gerbil"

P.D. McGillicuddy said...

"On the bright side, I don't feel so bad about you calling me "pinky-dick" anymore."

You're soaking in it said...

"Honey, God has really soft hands; it feels nice."

Tim H said...

"He says he's from West Palm Beach."

David said...

"Didn't I warn you that this would happen if you kept calling me a dildo in front of the Brobdingnagians?"

David said...

"I'm on the phone with Prince Charles right now. He's very interested in our machine."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"'I've decided no divorce,' Daddy tells his lawyer, and then he puts down the phone. Daddy still loves Mommy, and Daddy and Mommy and Sallie will live together forever ever ever." [Sallie picks up Mommy doll and smooshes it together with Daddy doll in a long embrace]

Anonymous said...

Fucking creditors are really putting the squeeze on me.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

This is either the moment when the giant robots we humans built stop following our commands and take over the world or my remote is out of batteries.

Jaques Hoff said...

"Now I know how my dick feels"

Glenn said...

"Apparently I am as cold as the Rockies."

Glenn said...

"Fuck, I told you sign us up for the Do-Not-Maul list."

Glenn said...

"Don't just stand there, give him the panties!"

Gary P said...

"Ex-squeeze me?"

Satireguy said...

"He wants my hot dog with the rat tail."

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Fred Mertz said...

"Just some knucklehead calling."

boneguy said...

After years of being caged and beaten, what giant ape wouldn't develop alopecia?

Richard H said...

"These fuckers don't make it easy when you try to change carriers"

Anonymous said...

^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v_____________________

Tim H said...

"Honey, can you take care of judging the Anti-Caption Contest this week? And please be easy on Kathy H and her links. The poor girl can't help herself."

Big Red said...

No, you don’t understand, my little girl is having a tea party and I GOTTA go.

Big Red said...

No, you don’t understand, my little girl is having a tea party and I GOTTA go.

Anonymous said...

"Damn. Now we have to figure whether Mrs. al will think it's funny."

Jaques Hoff said...

"Now I know how my dick feels."

Nostril Damus said...

"Quick! Call that human cannonball guy!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's the bank! Something about a bungled foreclosure!"

Anonymous said...

“It’s Petaluma, California. They want to start up the Armwrestling Championships again. Are we interested?”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“It’s NETFLIX. Have we received ‘Fists of Fury’ yet?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Does your mother always have to be so heavy-handed?”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Would you please tell Dr. ‘Handsy’ he’s going to lose his license again if he keeps this up.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“It’s the collection agency again . . . says they’re more than willing to go ‘mano-a-mano’ if we don’t pay up.”


--blw

Anonymous said...

“It’s Sylvester Stallone again . . . a bit ‘over the top’, if you ask me.”


---left coast wayne

s said...

"I'm telling him that the neighbor has a really big cannon he can stroke."

Anonymous said...

wow - the NYT picked the 3 worst possible finalists for this one. Not a smile among them. Pliers?

Tim H said...

[Re Anonymous's comment above: I concur. They are the lamest of the lame captions.

One correction: They appear, of course in The New Yorker, not The New York Times.]

Paul said...

"Do we feel like the middle class is being squeezed of every cent by today's economy?"

Big Red said...

Honey, I just won $5000 a month for life!

Big Red said...

Hello, Acme Exterminators? No job too big or too small, right?

Tim H said...

"Honey, call the Guinness people. This has got to be a new world's record."

Utellme said...

"It's the Allstate rep, honey. He wants to go up my premium."

cta said...

"Eww. Hairy palm."

Anonymous said...

"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"

Anonymous said...

"OMG! We're next! We're next!"

The Wait Is Killing Me!

Anonymous said...

See, I was right. He's on a roll. Now don't piss him off or he'll let the other hang for another week. At least!

Thanks Al!

Anonymous said...

LAMEST FINALIST EVER: "I'm calling to report a giant hand in my house." WTF?

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.