WEST PALM BEACH, FLA -- (May 30, 2011) --- Remember the beginning of Apocalypse Now? Martin Scheen's character looks out a window and we hear his voice say: "Saigon...Shit, I'm still only in Saigon..." That pretty much sums up how I feel when I look out the window here and am reminded that I am still only in a retirement community in south Florida. (For those wondering, I am definitely more of an errand boy than an assassin.) Although Saigon likely has better Chinese food, this is a more sedate and affable environment. Still, I have been here for more than a month and will probably be here for another month. This is also the most time I have ever spent with my father--who has never been much for socializing.
To put it in perspective, some years ago, when my mother was still with us, I visited my folks here while on a business trip. When I told my father I was coming on a Friday night and leaving Sunday afternoon. he said, "That's fine. Anything more than a few days gets annoying." (He has always been a plain spoken kind of guy--even more so now.)
The good new is I have been able to secure more reliable web access. I remain committed to judging the backlog of Anti Cap contests that have lined up like planes on the tarmac in bad weather. I can also see that the number of entries has fallen dramatically, proving once again that the judging is the big draw. Noted.
FIRST PLACE"Don't just stand there, give him the panties!" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh and would never get a nod from the "real contest." I know many contest regulars would have preferred that the cap specify the exact color and design of the undies in question. I imagined pink with white lace accents--if that helps.)
SECOND PLACE^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v_____________________--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first I was like "What the fuck?" but when I realized this cap is supposed to represent the man's heartbeat as seen on an EKG readout. You see, after being squeezed by a giant hand the man is flat-lining. I believe I am among the select handful [Get it? "Handful?"] who understood this. If I am right, this is a very original, if not especially funny, cap. If I am wrong we will likely never know.)
"Now I know how my dick feels" --Jaques Hoff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For some reason--guilt I assume--Jaques deposited this gem twice. Hopefully he wiped up after himself both times.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS"Sorry, doll, I have to take this." --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a little bit funny if you assume the person with giant hand is doing the talking. )
"I'm on the phone with Prince Charles right now. He's very interested in our machine."-- David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few years ago, a recording surfaced that had Charles on the phone pitching woo to Camilla by telling her he wished he was a tampon about to be lodged into her privates. [To me, this seems not at all romantic--just totally gross.] Charles was only red-faced metaphorically, so we can assume he never got his wish.)
Futility, you crazy bastard! How are you going to resist?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe this has been used before but we did not get many classics so...)
It's Radosh himself telling me to step down already. I suppose they're right -- I've basically destroyed the contest single-handedly. Yet I don't have the guts, dammit. --due to my current crisis, dot dot dot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! This is intellectually lazy, inaccurate and clearly entered by a douche bag. Radosh may be a giant to many of us, but he long ago washed his hands of this contest. The only thing I have destroyed is the fragile egos of marginally funny entrants who keep coming back for more.)
To Anonymous J. C.: Your anti-cap or a variation of it will likely win the New Yorker contest, and be judged sooner [sorry, L(al)A, couldn't help myself]. --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The cap in question was something like "I'm on hold." I agree that's the type of lame-ass shit that usually wins. I picked this to point out that the New Yorker has a three-week lag time between submission and validation. There have been some gripes about the fact that my normally quick turn-around has been slowed in recent weeks--but that's just cause you people are spoiled. I also like the way he put "al" inside the "LA.")
"Damn. Now we have to figure whether Mrs. al will think it's funny." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She is tough but fair--I can tell you that. She has a terrific sense of humor and a lot of compassion, which explains why she married me. [I am glad she did.] )
"Honey, can you take care of judging the Anti-Caption Contest this week? And please be easy on Kathy H and her links. The poor girl can't help herself." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If the huge hand is supposed to be a metaphor for the force that drew me to Florida, it should be heavily scared from decades of manual labor. As for Kathy, I have learned she needs tough love if she is ever to curb her linking addiction.)
"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well that's not exactly what "they" say. It would be more accurate to say "Judge not and people who you have never met will rag on your ass.")