NOTE: If my life was a movie these days, it would be "Cast Away," meets "Driving Miss Daisy" meets any one of the "SAW" movies with a tiny bit of "Jury Duty" thrown in. (I am living in a resort near the beach and can order in any thing I want.) My dad is doing okay but it looks like I will be here through June.As I have indicated before, computer service is sporadic and unreliable, but I remain committed to judging each of these contests.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE"Boy-howdy!! I just took a sheet in my pants" --Lott of Paper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not sure what "boy-howdy" brings to the party, but this works as both a dumb pun and a metaphor for the contest. I hope who ever wrote this goes back now, a few weeks later, to see it is the winner. I imagine the author will be surprised and delighted.)
SECOND PLACEIn back of pants I haf shit of paper, in front of pants I haf piss of paper. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is just a sad, cheap shot at people who lack the linguistic finesse of Johnny and his ilk. That it also happen to be funny is incidental. You get the sense Johnny is a middle-age white male from the suburbs you thinks everyone should talk like him and think like him.)
THIRD PLACE"Come on in! It's 2006, and the CDO* is fine!" * A CDO, or collateralized debt obligation, is a pool of bonds, mortgates, and other assets.--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: CDO* also stands for the California Department of Asterisks-- a government body aimed at curbing the gratuitous use of the Asterisk. [Rumors swirl that Barry Bonds spearheaded the effort.] Remember, any cap that needs to be explained is usually, you know, kind of sucky. Once again smuck can't hit that high note.)
HONORABLE MENTIONSClose the door, you're letting out my draft.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: . Reminds be of a joke I heard when I was like five: Q: What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator? A: Close the door! I'm dressing!" Jim once again goes for low hanging fruit.)
"Papercutty, you crazy bastard. Ow are you?"-- Cap'n Fantastic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Crappy but not many classics were entered in this contest, also the "ow" part gives it some juice--lemon juice if you like.)
"No Mr. Dye, I expect you to bond these pages into a really super book." --GoFigur (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Implausible and illogical but a nice like double -reverse on the Mr. Bond franchise. "A" for effort.)
“Well, look who’s come to ‘worship at an altar of a stagnant pool’ . . . what’s that in your hand, cowboy, a ‘License to Kill’?”---Bobby Z (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When he sees his reflection he is fulfilled, of course. This cap has deep meaning --and yes, I assume I am the only one who gets it.)
al-in-la's been missing for two weeks. Osama bin Laden's dead. Coincidence?--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am not missing. I am in the guest room of a condo in Florida. My father, bless his heart, would not be any body's choice for a search and rescue team these days, but he has no trouble finding me.)"Welcome back, al in la. No, I did not judge the contest in your absence, but I did take the liberty of sorting through this wave of anti-capper well-wishes." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks but I am not "back" just yet. Mrs al in la can tell you that. )
I never fell for the "ailing father in Florida" crap for one minute. Al's a member of Seal Team Six...the triggerman no doubt. We all know how deadly he can be (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Osama Bin Laden never had the guts to enter an Anti-Cap Contest--at least not under his own name. If he had, I would have devastated him with a stinging comment about how lame his entry was. Lets see a Seal do that [and not a circus seal--the other kind, I mean.] But this cap does confer a level of respect that is not hard to justify.)
God bless America......and al.--Puterschein (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. Fair enough.)
"Hey, Al, hows about an update on your FL adventures? Trunks are in the men's room down the hall." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Some days I get up early, make breakfast, do laundry, wash dishes, clean, drive to one or more doctors, then the pharmacy (or Wal-Mart or the supermarket), drive back to the pharmacy (or Wal-Mart or the supermarket) for the thing we forgot, make lunch, pick-up dinner, administer a myriad or Rx pills mindful that a mistake should be fatal, serve dinner, clean up after dinner, then watch TV with my dad who believes no channel should be viewed longer than 10 seconds...I call those week days. On weekends it is pretty much the same but there are no doctor's appointments, only occasional trips to the ER [two in the last month]. Did I mention I can get Chinese food any time I want and I'm a mile from the beach?)
It's filled with good wishes for alinfla and his dad.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, you are a class act.)
87 comments:
"Yes, this is the wading room"
If I was naked in your pool of receipts, then I'd might be gay.
"Come on in; social notworking is all the rage"
I'm swimming in anti-cap entries.
Hi, Mac. I'm a P.C.
"Birth certificates! Death certificates! Obama! Osama! Will the deliciousness never end?"
Room for one more! (fap fap fap fap fap)
Meanwhile, in Fred Wilpon's office....
"All we need to do is find the slip with P.C.Vey written on it and we'll get ophthalmic care for life!"
"Hey, are you into paper cuts, like me?"
"Come on in! It's 2006, and the CDO* is fine!"
* A CDO, or collateralized debt obligation, is a pool of bonds, mortgates, and other assets.
"Since I'm only in debt to my chest, I'm considered upper-middle class!"
"This place sucks."
"Awesome, the media says OBL is dead. Funny without that same media, I have no first hand knoweldge that he ever actually lived. Took awhile to find a look-a-like proxy corpse for the phantom bad guy/policy ramrod. I guess enough damage has been done that he can be let go to give someone else a much-needed ratings bump. Oh, how bout a swim?"
Cynical Kirk!
"I know I'm buried under paperwork, but's the only place I can get my secretary to suck me off."
"I wouldn't recommend skinnydipping unless you want a ferocious papercut right up your asscrack."
"Are you kidding me? Why, it's the next best thing to being buried at sea!"
Don't give me that look. It's an office pool.
Another nasty letter to the editor? Throw it here in the j'accuse-i.
Don't buy mortgage backed securities. I'm taking a bath on them.
Jim Cavanaugh
I can't tell if you're expressing surprise, as you also suffer from exophthalmos.
Help! A disgruntled post-doc emptied my thousands of pages of exophthalmos research into this pool. And he's coming back with a gun.
"Penthouse C is mine for the weekend, Mac, and I can do whatever I want to get off."
I'm a pool reporter. Would you like to see my clippings?
We're sunk.
Rocko.
"I heard that they found Osama in a cave -- his mancave!"
"I've got male."
"Guess what- we both just 'took a sheet'!"
"These are betting receipts. Pacquiao's taking a dive in the 4th."
"If we're going to make this domestic partnership work, hadn't we better pool our resources?
By the way, your commodities stocks look irresistibly protuberant from here."
"Jeeves! Guess what? Jenny and I have decided to take the plunge! Only, I'm having her sign a few documents first. She and her lawyer are in here somewhere. Mind fetching me a pen and a dry martini?"
"I've gone off the deep end and decided to go through this week's unsolicited porn screenplays myself. What's with the penetrating stare? You just want me to gape back at you! Ms. O'Donnell, you could at least have the decency of climbing in here and getting me wet first."
"I keep fogetting. Is it papier-mâché or paper-mache?"
[...forgetting...]
All this paperwork has got me on edge
I guess I'm just not coping with it well. That's not my s-tile!
"Oh, these are the rejected versions of O_ama's birth certificate accidently listing Chauncey Gardner as his father."
“Typical New Yorker cartoon . . . where’s the lifeguard when you need one?”
---blw
“I’m OK, but I’m standing on the shoulders of a priest, a rabbi, a businessman, a whore, a nun and a chicken.”
---blw
"No Mr. Dye, I expect you to bond these pages into a really super book."
"I wanted an infinity edge pool, but everyone knew I couldn't resist the temptation to kill myself."
"It's got a glass bottom so I'm doing dick tricks for the folks below. Take the stairs."
"Sorry. This is only open to people with paper in their....Say, come on in!"
"The doctor recommended a prescription bath. Sooooo sooooothing!"
"Are my papers in order? I thought you said are my papers in water! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
“Well, the Water Polo Team will just have to be patient until I’m finished wading through all these term papers.”
---blw
"The steno pool is next door. This is the memo pool."
"Don't look at me like that. You've got hyperthyroidism, too."
"Come on in; the paper's fine."
"I took a bath in Lehman stock. Literally."
"Welcome back, al in la. No, I did not judge the contest in your absence, but I did take the liberty of sorting through this wave of anti-capper well-wishes."
"Well, they had to store all those missing Al Gore ballots from Florida someplace. Why not here?"
"Sorry, can't make the meeting. I'm literally drowning in paperwork. Get it?"
"If you're looking for the long-form version, you'll have to see the guy in the deep end."
"Hey we're going to have a dead pool!! These are the birth certificates of the under-10-year-olds who are going to die in twenty years when Al Qaeda, Jr. gets around to retaliating for our retaliating for their retaliating for..." (start crying and throw up on yourself)
"Oh, not much. Just lookin' for My Back Pages."
"I'm just another Mark Foley"
"As Michael Phelps' agent, I must read all of the fine print."
Close the door, you're letting out my draft.
Jim Cavanaugh
My secretary wears a bikini, that's why.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Hey, Al, hows about an update on your FL adventures? Trunks are in the men's room down the hall."
"Christ, David, don't be so naïve."
[Part of the joke is explained here.]
"I'll be right out -- just dropping my kids off at the pool."
"No plug, but no worries. The government will bail us out."
"Water you waiting for? Jump right in!"
"In Soviet Union, paper pushes you."
"Boy-howdy!! I just took a sheet in my pants"
“Well, look who’s come to ‘worship at an altar of a stagnant pool’ . . . what’s that in your hand, cowboy, a ‘License to Kill’?”
---Bobby Z
It's filled with good wishes for alinfla and his dad.
Jim Cavanaugh
"This new copier is awesome."
In back of pants I haf shit of paper, in front of pants I haf piss of paper.
"I'm working on a stroke of genius"
"I'm working on a stroke of genius"
"It's OK. I'm not wearing any pants."
---left coast wayne
al-in-la's been missing for two weeks. Osama bin Laden's dead. Coincidence?
I never fell for the "ailing father in Florida" crap for one minute. Al's a member of Seal Team Six...the triggerman no doubt. We all know how deadly he can be.
God bless America......and al.
Puterschein
"I got a huge discount on Kings tickets for the Stanley Cup finals!"
alinabbottobad has a nice flow to it, no? God, I'd love to watch him being "de-briefed"
Jim Cavanaugh
puterschein, maybe the AL was short for al kayder and ol'al aint nevver comin back
puterschein, maybe the AL was short for al kayder and ol'al aint nevver comin back
"You might as well jump in. We're gonna be here a while."
"♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♫ Oh, was I whistling? I am sooooo sorry."
ummmm, Yes, the new girl is in over her head….
Another speeding ticket for Super Express Delivery? Yes, I’ll take that.
Quick! Add it to the pool and close the door before the compressed air jets activate again.
"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"
Tampa Promo Fizzles - Bill Veeck is somewhere shaking his head, as Bob Knightman proves to be no Eddie Gaedel.
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