NOTE: If my life was a movie these days, it would be "Cast Away," meets "Driving Miss Daisy" meets any one of the "SAW" movies with a tiny bit of "Jury Duty" thrown in. (I am living in a resort near the beach and can order in any thing I want.) My dad is doing okay but it looks like I will be here through June.
As I have indicated before, computer service is sporadic and unreliable, but I remain committed to judging each of these contests.
FIRST PLACE"Boy-howdy!! I just took a sheet in my pants" --Lott of Paper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not sure what "boy-howdy" brings to the party, but this works as both a dumb pun and a metaphor for the contest. I hope who ever wrote this goes back now, a few weeks later, to see it is the winner. I imagine the author will be surprised and delighted.)
SECOND PLACEIn back of pants I haf shit of paper, in front of pants I haf piss of paper. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is just a sad, cheap shot at people who lack the linguistic finesse of Johnny and his ilk. That it also happen to be funny is incidental. You get the sense Johnny is a middle-age white male from the suburbs you thinks everyone should talk like him and think like him.)
THIRD PLACE"Come on in! It's 2006, and the CDO* is fine!" * A CDO, or collateralized debt obligation, is a pool of bonds, mortgates, and other assets.--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: CDO* also stands for the California Department of Asterisks-- a government body aimed at curbing the gratuitous use of the Asterisk. [Rumors swirl that Barry Bonds spearheaded the effort.] Remember, any cap that needs to be explained is usually, you know, kind of sucky. Once again smuck can't hit that high note.)
HONORABLE MENTIONSClose the door, you're letting out my draft.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: . Reminds be of a joke I heard when I was like five: Q: What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator? A: Close the door! I'm dressing!" Jim once again goes for low hanging fruit.)
"Papercutty, you crazy bastard. Ow are you?"-- Cap'n Fantastic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Crappy but not many classics were entered in this contest, also the "ow" part gives it some juice--lemon juice if you like.)
"No Mr. Dye, I expect you to bond these pages into a really super book." --GoFigur (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Implausible and illogical but a nice like double -reverse on the Mr. Bond franchise. "A" for effort.)
“Well, look who’s come to ‘worship at an altar of a stagnant pool’ . . . what’s that in your hand, cowboy, a ‘License to Kill’?”---Bobby Z (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When he sees his reflection he is fulfilled, of course. This cap has deep meaning --and yes, I assume I am the only one who gets it.)
al-in-la's been missing for two weeks. Osama bin Laden's dead. Coincidence?--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am not missing. I am in the guest room of a condo in Florida. My father, bless his heart, would not be any body's choice for a search and rescue team these days, but he has no trouble finding me.)"Welcome back, al in la. No, I did not judge the contest in your absence, but I did take the liberty of sorting through this wave of anti-capper well-wishes." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks but I am not "back" just yet. Mrs al in la can tell you that. )
I never fell for the "ailing father in Florida" crap for one minute. Al's a member of Seal Team Six...the triggerman no doubt. We all know how deadly he can be (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Osama Bin Laden never had the guts to enter an Anti-Cap Contest--at least not under his own name. If he had, I would have devastated him with a stinging comment about how lame his entry was. Lets see a Seal do that [and not a circus seal--the other kind, I mean.] But this cap does confer a level of respect that is not hard to justify.)
God bless America......and al.--Puterschein (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. Fair enough.)
"Hey, Al, hows about an update on your FL adventures? Trunks are in the men's room down the hall." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Some days I get up early, make breakfast, do laundry, wash dishes, clean, drive to one or more doctors, then the pharmacy (or Wal-Mart or the supermarket), drive back to the pharmacy (or Wal-Mart or the supermarket) for the thing we forgot, make lunch, pick-up dinner, administer a myriad or Rx pills mindful that a mistake should be fatal, serve dinner, clean up after dinner, then watch TV with my dad who believes no channel should be viewed longer than 10 seconds...I call those week days. On weekends it is pretty much the same but there are no doctor's appointments, only occasional trips to the ER [two in the last month]. Did I mention I can get Chinese food any time I want and I'm a mile from the beach?)
It's filled with good wishes for alinfla and his dad.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, you are a class act.)