Monday, April 25, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #285


NOTE: I continue to play catch-up. A big thanks to Mrs. al in la for pinch hitting. A-Rod could not have done a better job (I mean that literally.) And thanks to you all for your patience and understanding (notice I did not say "y'all." I may be in the South, but I just refuse to talk like dat.)
WINNERSFIRST PLACEIf a tree fell in a New Yorker cartoon and no one saw it, would it be punny?-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:As stupid as this caption is, who can deny that it blends lofty with low brow and adds a hint of irony and a dash of comeuppance. Johnny is like Shaquille O'Neal--a washed-up, has-been with a snotty attitude, but still too menacing to ignore. PS: I just saw Johnny's very thoughtful comment about my dad. I am genuinely touched, but this will not spare JC my continued abuse (see below). Just so you know, it is not uncommon for my dad to refer to people trying to help him as "idiots" because they are not doing it exactly as he'd like. So maybe it's hereditary.) )

SECOND PLACE
"Run, Forest, run!" --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short and witty. Nice one, cta But, as anyone who has wrapped their car around one can attest, trees can't run.)

THIRD PLACE
We've got more butts here than the back side o f Mt. Rushmore.-- Rocko V
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references a dumb photo my father sent me. At the time I got it a few weeks ago, I said to myself that it's shame I havn't seen the guy in over a year. Nice of him to send me this cute little photo--I think I'll post it on my blog. Now, a few short weeks later, I have breakfast, lunch and dinner with him, [and do other stuff for him we prefer not to talk about in polite company.] When we are not going to doctor's appointments or wandering around Wal-Mart buying stuff he doesn't need, we are negotiating over the proper setting for the central A.C. [I say 65, I believe he woud prefer 125.] Funny how life works that way.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
all I wanted to do was "log off" --Steve 'Handy' Jobs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When we bought a new dishwasher for the condo here in Florida, my dad insisted that we buy a no frills model with modest features and a dial-- "none of that push-button bulllshit." It seems the old dishwasher was so advanced he didn't know how to use it. This cap reminds us that advanced technology is invariably the enemy of simplicity. The new dishwasher works just fine. by the way. My father, an appliance mechanic for over 30 years, says you should always run the hot water in the sink before turning it on. Ignore this advice at your peril.)


I'm haunted by the bases of my victims.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Bases" rhymes with "faces" but they are, in fact, trunks. Still, not many classics submitted for this contest, so this will have to do.)
The arbors here are unseen--Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The real obscenity is clear cutting--but don't get me started.)
"Sorry, guys, but your suffering has to be balanced against the needs of the Scott Paper Company. And with our new CEO, Al Dunlap, the sky is the limit!"--Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is one of the most intelligent caps every entered in this contest [which, I think we all can agree, is like being the best ice hockey player to ever come out of Ecuador.] Dunlap was recruited to rescue Scott, which was on the balls of its ass. He immediately fired a large portion of the work force, thereby reducing expenditures and saving the company from insolvency. Needless to say, those ousted still hate his guts. Nice work Carol.)
"
When using the word 'sporadic', was al in la referring to the frequency or the funniness of Utellme's anti-caps; who, by the way, often comments under different names? Harumph!" --Moniker Lewinsky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me take a sec to clear this up: by "sporadic" I meant "extremely rare" and I was referring to his "funniness" which is the only thing that matters to me. ) "And I'll keep cutting you bastards down until alinla declares a winner for last the last two contests." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, "cutting you bastards down" is exactly what I do when I get around to judging these things. )
Eager to be of help, an anti-capper tries to improve Wi-Fi service in Florida.-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good luck. There is much to hate about Florida (the weather, red neck politics, red neck assholes, gators, LaBron James ...) but I think my lack of wi-fi access is situational. The condo has a sunroom (or "fucking inferno" as I lovingly call it) and that's the only place I can get wi-fi--sometimes. Often the connex dies without notice. That is the main reason I hate using it. )
It's tough fillin' in for alinfla. Hope he'll be back cuttin' em down to size soon.--capper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am touched...now get the hell out of here you shameless brown nose.)
Don't take my cutting remark personally. It's just a cute observation. (al in fla - I sincerely hope your dad continues to do well. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.) --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Look who's trying to do the Anti- cap equivalent of sleeping his way to the top. If my dad has taught me anything (and it certainly wasn't how to spell), it is that "no body gives you nothin' for nothin.''' Johnny, you are a class act--but that don't mean your caps don't suck. Now get outta here you big lug.)

121 comments:

Anonymous said...

"When I get stumped, I just think of something that sounds like 'hours,' 'obscene,' or 'die.' But, ummm... that's not going to work for you."

-Carol Lou Ellen

boneguy said...

Oh shit, did you say it's rutting season?

JohnnyB said...

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

-Monty

JohnnyB said...

Oh, now I can see the forest.

JohnnyB said...

You trees are evil fornicators, pressing your mouths against the earth's breast and living intimately with rain. You're all going to Hell.

(the link is for Kathy H.)

Damon said...

"Your son just got accepted at IKEA University! Oh...sorry. Bad joke. Yes, I know he's still screaming, but I ran out of gas."

Damon said...

"There. Still think it was funny letting your friends watch us screw?"

Anticraption said...

"Sorry, but I'm stumped this week."

Rhymes with Chang said...

"Hey, Honey, if you squint my chainsaw kind of looks like a huge wang."

Tim H said...

"I love the smell of sawdust in the morning. The smell, you know, that sawdust smell. Smells like...victory!"

David said...

"Why am I doing this in my pajamas?"

Kathy H said...

"Oops. I tawt I taw a puddy tat. I guess I taw deese twees."

Anonymouse said...

"Hmmm. I wonder why they call me Stumpy The Lumberjack-off?"

Kathy H said...

"I can't get that stupid tune outta my head:

Cinna, Cinna, Cinna, Cinna Bon
Cinna Bon, Cinna Bon, Cinna Bon
Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
"

Anonymous said...

I'm haunted by the bases of my victims.

Jim Cavanaugh

Damon said...

"Hope I don't go back to court. The `They didn't have rings and I didn't know how old they were' excuse won't work twice."

Tim H said...

"Take that Newton Minow! 'Vast wastekand,' my ass!"

Anonymous said...

"Down goes Fraser! Down goes Fraser! Down goes Fraser!"

Fuck you, that's my name.

Glenn said...

"I am in my pajamas because I am sawing wood. Any other brilliant questions?"

Satireguy said...

"And I'll keep cutting you bastards down until alinla declares a winner for last the last two contests."

Tim H said...

["...vast wasteland..."]

Anonymous said...

"Weyerhaeuser runs SAP."

-Carol Lou Ellen

(they really do, apparently)

Anonymous said...

"... but I bet you never thought it would be yours."

-Carol Lou Ellen

Anonymous said...

"Relax, pal. I'm using an eco-friendly electric charged chainsaw."

Rob

Anonymous said...

"Sorry, guys, but your suffering has to be balanced against the needs of the Scott Paper Company. And with our new CEO, Al Dunlap, the sky is the limit!"

-Carol Lou Ellen

Anonymous said...

It's tough fillin' in for alinfla. Hope he'll be back cuttin' em down to size soon.

capper

Anonymous said...

"Wow, guys, you were right. This new horizontal cut works way better."

-Carol Lou Ellen

Anonymous said...

"I'm sure gonna miss this forest. But not for the trees - for the hunting."

-Carol Lou Ellen

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

smuck said...

"Yeah, I fell eight trees. Why do you keep asking? Oh.... wise guy, huh? Fucking trees."

Eric G said...

If I anti-cap alone in the woods and nobody judges, does it make a difference?

Eric G said...

It's by decree of His Royal Highness in preparation for his honeymoon. He asked that Her Majesty's Highway be close-shaven. No, I don't know what an innuendo is. I cut trees for a living.

Blonde said...

"Can't see the forest for the trees huh?" Well this will show her!!!

Blonde said...

Joyce's my name and trees are my game - but you can call me Mr. Kilmer -

Glenn said...

Kendrick, having invested his life savings in the Monster Christmas Tree Farm, calculates his juicy windfall.

Anonymouse said...

"Take THAT, Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now!"

Kathy H said...

"Maybe I'll cut down just one more and knock off for the day."

Joe Kilmer said...

"I think that I shall never see. A thing as ugly as a tree."

Steve 'Handy' Jobs said...

all I wanted to do was "log off"

Minny Bob said...

"Under that apple suckling tree, oh yeah, under that apple suckling tree. Oh yeah! Underneath that tree, there's just gonna be you and me. Under that apple suckling tree, oh yeah!"

Anonymous said...

"What?! Haven't you ever read "The Giving Tree"? -cta

Anonymous said...

"Whoa... Now that is one fine-looking piece of ash!" -cta

The Ghost of Greatness said...

"A tree is a tree. How many more do you have to look at?"

Never Not Funny said...

"Hey, you know what I saw?........ wood."

Only funny if Roger Ebert said...

"Hey, I scored a frickin' trifecta with this last one: a spotted owl, a bald eagle, and the Swiss Family Robinson."

Tim H said...

This week on American Chopper

boneguy said...

Any minute now, we're gonna find that guy living in a tree stump.

boneguy said...

The lumbar is going to build the Fox News "In Case We're Wrong on Global Warming" biosphere.

Anonymous said...

"We can't exactly drill for oil with you fuckers in the way."

Sal

Anonymous said...

"...then this bear with a stupid hat and shovel says to me, 'Only YOU can prevent forest fires.' VoilĂ !"

sickamore

Anonymous said...

A redwood? The fuck?

--JanglerNPL

Pine Away said...

"We're not out of the woods yet."

Eric G said...

The arbors here are unseen.

Outer Limits said...

"Hope your not arboring any resentment mate."

Anonymous said...

Eager to be of help, an anti-capper tries to improve Wi-Fi service in Florida.

-- Dex

Kathy H said...

A one-man version of Stephen Sondheim's Into the Woods

smuck said...

"It's some sort of forestry project at Keene State University. So, who is going to pay for the environmental costs? Why not bill Keene?"

Glenn said...

"Whatta ya mean, 'Ronald Reagan' said a lot of things'? Ronald Reagan was a fucking God!

Anonymouse said...

"All I'm saying is, thank God those ballplayers are breaking all those bats."

Lil Squirt said...

Just clearing the way for 'New and improved Hampshire' You know for the Ball Garglers!

Tim H said...

"If you must know, I used to work at Supercuts in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, just off old Route 10."

Anonymous said...

"It's still selective logging if I select all of 'em."

Rocko

Shelly said...

"The emissions from this chainsaw engine must be really bad for the environment."

Anonymous said...

“Timber may be felled
By fools like me;
But God can always make
Another tree.”

---Kilmer was here

Anonymous said...

“What if a tree fell in the forest and EVERYBODY heard it? Huh? What about that, Mr. Head-in-the-Clouds, what about that?!??!?”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, I’ve read the poem. What kind of name is ‘Joyce’ for a dude, anyway???”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I’m rehearsing for a slasher movie . . . why do you ask?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“’Crew cut’? ‘Crew cut’?? I thought the man said ‘clear cut’.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“For my next birthday, I’ve asked Daddy for some WMDs.”


---blw

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"I'm just glad Mr. T isn't here to see this."

-Carol Lou Ellen

(explanation)

Richard H said...

"Maybe it would be easier just to get a Kindle"

Richard H said...

"I'm going to miss all this when everything goes digital."

Austin said...

I don't know. 'Cause I'm board.

Anonymous said...

Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time!

dwilk said...

"Yeah, I've heard of Kilmer. Worst fucking quarterback I've ever seen."

Sonny

JohnnyB said...

Don't take my cutting remark personally. It's just a cute observation.


al in fla - I sincerely hope your dad continues to do well. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

JohnnyB said...

If a tree fell in a New Yorker cartoon and no one saw it, would it be punny?

James said...

"Why did we put our logging road at the exact bottom of a ravine, practically guaranteeing that it will wash out the next time it rains? Let me answer that question with a question of my own: Fuck you!"

Sam Arra said...

"What? You were hoping for a fire?"

Tim H said...

"Hmmm. Let's see. Ah! I shall call this one 'Marietta.'"

Gary P said...

"If they're not making hockey sticks out of wood anymore, than what are they making them from, eh?"

cta said...

"Run, Forest, run!"

Anonymous said...

An early photo of DeForest Kelley chewing the scenery.

Jim Cavanaugh

Eric G said...

Oh shit. You're supposed to plant trees on Arbor Day?

Tim H said...

"Man, this Second Avenue subway is never gonna get finished."

Suzanna L. said...

"One more of these old oaks and I'll have gas covered for the month."

Suzanna L. said...

"That friggin' thief logging truck just ruined my long-term agricultural goal. Now I've just slashed. But hell, what a workout!"

Suzanna L. said...

"If I hear one more of you ivory-billed woodpeckers, I'll cross over the Arkansas line."

Anonymous said...

That outta make enough ass-wipe to clean up the shit Donald Trump puts out today.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

A few more trees and we can begin building the new EPA headquarters.

Mark David Chamfer said...

"Sorry, but I'm doing this to get Jodi Forester's attention."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"Al in filet (well, he said 'fla', but everyone knows his spellcheck doesn't work) said I was sporadic at best. I'll show his ass!"

Utellme said...

"You mean I was hired on as a blogger? Oh, shit."

Moniker Lewinsky said...

"When using the word 'sporadic', was al in la referring to the frequency or the funniness of Utellme's anti-caps; who, by the way, often comments under different names? Harumph!"

Utellme said...

"Because I'm tired of us hiding our love way out here on Brokeback! I wish I knew how to quit you, al (in la)."

LV said...

"Sporadic may also refer to spores, drifting messengers of asexual reproduction, a method favored by some judges and anti-cappers alike. As for me, I'll take a good conifer any day."

LV said...

"I see", said the blind lumberjack as he reached for his tool belt and saw.

Anonymous said...

"When I was going through Arkansas, I saw a saw saw that could outsaw any saw you ever saw saw. So, if you ever go through Arkansas and see a saw that could outsaw the saw I saw saw, I would like to see the saw you saw saw."


---Paul Bunyon

Anonymous said...

We've got more butts here than the back side of Mt. Rushmore.

Rocko

Satireguy said...

"Yeah, I like to cut trees in my pyjamas. What they were doing in my pyjamas, I'll never know."

Callous Lumberjack said...

"Wow-wee, based on all the rings I count on this stump, you've all been around since the time of Lincoln. And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck."

Brian said...

"Once your relatives are all dead, the inheritance will be ours!"

Brian said...

"I'm not handling this acid trip very well, Mom."

Broxton said...

"Only a few more, and 'fear the beard' will be history."

Anonymous said...

I claimed, I sawed, I prospered...

Jim Cavanaugh

ecargot said...

That's just me fantacizing out loud about the fate of your dead bodies.

Anonymous said...

"You can quit now -- they found bin Laden."

Chainsaw Barry said...

I'm trying to come up with one last good one, but I'm just stumped

Richard Keel said...

Your bark wasn't worse than my bite, Bee-yotch!

Rud Yard said...

I don't know ? I've never Sappled!

Sam Antic said...

"I'd be petrified if I were you."

cta said...

"Yeah, maybe I would like to fondle your balsam".

Demi L. said...

Tell Disney I've got a handle on this cutting thing

Auntie Arborist said...

"God, I hate trees...."

Stupid Cupid said...

al in la shows his love for the missus in the only way he knows how.

Anonymous said...

No al, they are neither bases nor "trunks". They are stumps. I'm from Oregon, so I speak with authority on these matters.

Carol Lou Ellen said...

Not that anyone will read this, but I would like to note that Al Dunlap is commonly known as "chainsaw Al" because of the way he slashed jobs at the companies he ran.

Anonymous said...

Good batch of judging there Al. Not that the Mrs didn't have her own charm. Keep up the good work. Please.

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.