The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #285

NOTE: I continue to play catch-up. A big thanks to Mrs. al in la for pinch hitting. A-Rod could not have done a better job (I mean that literally.) And thanks to you all for your patience and understanding (notice I did not say "y'all." I may be in the South, but I just refuse to talk like dat.)
WINNERSFIRST PLACEIf a tree fell in a New Yorker cartoon and no one saw it, would it be punny?-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:As stupid as this caption is, who can deny that it blends lofty with low brow and adds a hint of irony and a dash of comeuppance. Johnny is like Shaquille O'Neal--a washed-up, has-been with a snotty attitude, but still too menacing to ignore. PS: I just saw Johnny's very thoughtful comment about my dad. I am genuinely touched, but this will not spare JC my continued abuse (see below). Just so you know, it is not uncommon for my dad to refer to people trying to help him as "idiots" because they are not doing it exactly as he'd like. So maybe it's hereditary.) )

SECOND PLACE
"Run, Forest, run!" --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short and witty. Nice one, cta But, as anyone who has wrapped their car around one can attest, trees can't run.)

THIRD PLACE
We've got more butts here than the back side o f Mt. Rushmore.-- Rocko V (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references a dumb photo my father sent me. At the time I got it a few weeks ago, I said to myself that it's shame I havn't seen the guy in over a year. Nice of him to send me this cute little photo--I think I'll post it on my blog. Now, a few short weeks later, I have breakfast, lunch and dinner with him, [and do other stuff for him we prefer not to talk about in polite company.] When we are not going to doctor's appointments or wandering around Wal-Mart buying stuff he doesn't need, we are negotiating over the proper setting for the central A.C. [I say 65, I believe he woud prefer 125.] Funny how life works that way.)
HONORABLE MENTIONSall I wanted to do was "log off" --Steve 'Handy' Jobs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When we bought a new dishwasher for the condo here in Florida, my dad insisted that we buy a no frills model with modest features and a dial-- "none of that push-button bulllshit." It seems the old dishwasher was so advanced he didn't know how to use it. This cap reminds us that advanced technology is invariably the enemy of simplicity. The new dishwasher works just fine. by the way. My father, an appliance mechanic for over 30 years, says you should always run the hot water in the sink before turning it on. Ignore this advice at your peril.)

I'm haunted by the bases of my victims.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Bases" rhymes with "faces" but they are, in fact, trunks. Still, not many classics submitted for this contest, so this will have to do.)
The arbors here are unseen--Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The real obscenity is clear cutting--but don't get me started.)
"Sorry, guys, but your suffering has to be balanced against the needs of the Scott Paper Company. And with our new CEO, Al Dunlap, the sky is the limit!"--Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is one of the most intelligent caps every entered in this contest [which, I think we all can agree, is like being the best ice hockey player to ever come out of Ecuador.] Dunlap was recruited to rescue Scott, which was on the balls of its ass. He immediately fired a large portion of the work force, thereby reducing expenditures and saving the company from insolvency. Needless to say, those ousted still hate his guts. Nice work Carol.)
"When using the word 'sporadic', was al in la referring to the frequency or the funniness of Utellme's anti-caps; who, by the way, often comments under different names? Harumph!" --Moniker Lewinsky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me take a sec to clear this up: by "sporadic" I meant "extremely rare" and I was referring to his "funniness" which is the only thing that matters to me. ) "And I'll keep cutting you bastards down until alinla declares a winner for last the last two contests." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, "cutting you bastards down" is exactly what I do when I get around to judging these things. )
Eager to be of help, an anti-capper tries to improve Wi-Fi service in Florida.-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good luck. There is much to hate about Florida (the weather, red neck politics, red neck assholes, gators, LaBron James ...) but I think my lack of wi-fi access is situational. The condo has a sunroom (or "fucking inferno" as I lovingly call it) and that's the only place I can get wi-fi--sometimes. Often the connex dies without notice. That is the main reason I hate using it. )
It's tough fillin' in for alinfla. Hope he'll be back cuttin' em down to size soon.--capper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am touched...now get the hell out of here you shameless brown nose.)
Don't take my cutting remark personally. It's just a cute observation. (al in fla - I sincerely hope your dad continues to do well. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.) --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Look who's trying to do the Anti- cap equivalent of sleeping his way to the top. If my dad has taught me anything (and it certainly wasn't how to spell), it is that "no body gives you nothin' for nothin.''' Johnny, you are a class act--but that don't mean your caps don't suck. Now get outta here you big lug.)