Monday, May 23, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #289

NOTE: Like those hapless souls cleaning up after the tornadoes that have left countless homes in ruins, I continue to sort through the rubble of Anti-Caps left languishing in recent weeks. Unlike Joplin residents, I do not have the aid of FEMA, Red Cross or even premium cable. (You want devastation? I am on week seven of no HBO!)
Yes, I am still in Florida and trust me when I say I have more pressing matters that need my attention. I also like to tend to Anti-Cap crap entries in one sitting. I have never been a nibble-away kind of guy. I'd rather blow it out with one all-nighter. Just havn't had the time--or energy. But now that my father has completed his most recent "procedure," my time is not as constrained.
So stayed tuned. I will get to all the contests and we'll be back on track in no time. Just wait and see.

WINNERS
FIRST PLACE

"Anyone ever call you crazy, horse?" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With only six words this cap makes a stupid little pun that fits the image and captures the essence of the shrink/patient relationship. It also pays tribute to Neil Young's long-time band.)

SECOND PLACEYou're a horse's ass.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A close cousin of "asshole," a "horse's ass" is a "jerk off" who is not necessarily a "douche bag." Kind of fits. )
THIRD PLACE"You say that your father was an ass and your mother died in childbirth?" --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The type of scenario that sends many to the couch--and here it could be be literally true. That's why this works well enough for third place.)
HONORABLE MENTIONSSo the man pulled the glove up to his shoulder. Then what?--Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all know what "what" is. At least he wore a glove. This reminds us that fisting is often traumatic. )


You're doing that clacking patty-cake thing with your heels again. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which would be totally annoying. Great imagery. It's almost like we're in the office with them.)
"And when did you start experiencing horseness and shortness of breath?" --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no evidence that the patient has breathing issues so this would have been much better if it was just "horseness." That's why Carol Lou is a B-list player.)

You don't need to always be the centaur of attention--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speaking of B-list players...Johnny goes for the obvious and, yes, he has coughed up a hair ball half-way decent pun, but this would have been much better if it said "Why do you feel the need to always be the centaur of attention?" That is something a shrink would say)
"Hey, when did you get a ponytail?"--Cathy X (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cathy, who is rumored to the grand-daughter of Malcolm, is a new name appearing in a contest that has lost some of its popularity due to my indifference busy schedule here in Florida. So I welcome her well intended yet pedestrian effort. )
"
Furietti, you crazy bastard! How are you going to afford my rates?" --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We begin to get the sense that Carol Lou is some kind of braineack chick who probably wear's glasses and has too many cats. Her cap keeps a classic alive but only with the help of a link that explains a word that is unknown to even smart people. So...like what's the point?)
"So you're hung like a man... Deal with it." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is slightly funny because there are those men who are not as well hung as a horse--that's what I'm guessing anyway. )

Lott Montana fake commercial re: masculine itching
No real point to its inclusion..--Boy Howdy explained (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is in response to an observation I made in the comment on a previous week's winner. It comes at a time when I often wonder if people are going back to read my catch-up Anti-Cap work. Turns out the "Boy Howdy" exclamation comes from an old SNL bit. Noted. )
"Und ven did you get der delusions dat der contest entries vud be judged? --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It would not be surprising if some Anti Cappers were compelled to seek counseling when the results were slow to come. For many, sanity is a fickle mistress.)

83 comments:

Carol Lou Ellen said...

Just so everyone is on the same page, check out this previous entry featuring centaurs.

Anonymous said...

You're a horse's ass.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

It's an obvious case of genus envy.

Jim Cavanaugh

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"It's a chaise longue, not a 'chaise lounge.' Were you raised in a barn?"

boneguy said...

Could you speed it up? My day's coming down the backstretch.

JohnnyB said...

You don't need to always be the centaur of attention

JohnnyB said...

So you are now in a stable relationship, but she's a nag?

JohnnyB said...

So I take it you're a Sagittarius.

Damon said...

"Stop presenting yourself for ass sex."

Freud knot said...

Well...I do have an opening on Satyrday

Steve_O said...

"Next we'll delve into why you would go home to your wife fully clothed yet choose to come here buck naked."

Steve_O said...

"You might have some consideration for the other patients who will be lying right where your nasty naked ass is."

boneguy said...

You probably wouldn't fart so much if you sat with your legs crossed.

Anonymous said...

"Hey, when did you get a ponytail?"

Cathy X

LR said...

"Have you been depressed furlong?"

"Full recovery is a long shot, currently 30 to 1."

"Time's up in a minotaur less."

"I understand your concern over having a small penis, and I'm here to help you lick that problem."

Gary P said...

"How does it make you feel the be both the stud and the beard in the relationship?"

Anonymous said...

You're doing that clacking patty-cake thing with your heels again.

Anonymous said...

"I would be depressed and angry if I couldn't wipe my ass too."

Tim H said...

"Oh, I am so sorry. Did I say behooves again?"

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"You're going to have to stop being such a pussy. I put my shoes on every day without crying, so why can't you?"

Satireguy said...

And exactly when did you start having these equine feelings?

Satireguy said...

"And which bothers you more, the horse body or the man boobs?"

Kathy H said...

"Look. I think you should set your sights a bit lower than the Belmont Stakes."

Anonymouse said...

"Anyone ever call you crazy, horse?"

Kathy H said...

"So, what makes you think you're the reincarnation of Paul Revere's horse?"

Gary P said...

"Because if I look at you, I'll want to cook you."

David said...

"I don't know what you're so depressed. You're hung like a horse."

Glenn said...

"Ah, your mother is Sarah Jessica Parker. That explains a lot."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"For the last time, when I say 'Oedipal feelings' I don't mean your sexual attraction to Oedipus. That's a topic for another session."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"Furietti, you crazy bastard! How are you going to afford my rates?"

Anonymous said...

Giants closer Brian Wilson, San Francisco, gay sex with animals. Got it.

DR Sumguy said...

"H'mmm. Acute stress disorder, ever since an Amish vet rectal exam!"

Dom S. Tever said...

"I finished with my last patient, so now it the turn of the centaur...eeeeee!"

Glenn said...

"A gelding. How barbaric. I'm sorry -- did you ask me equestrian?"

Steve_O said...

"Bipolar? Hell, you're not even bipedal!"

Steve_O said...

"You say that your father was an ass and your mother died in childbirth?"

Anonymous said...

"Und ven did you get der delusions dat der contest entries vud be judged?

Kathy H said...

"You put your right hooves in,
You put your right hooves out,
You put your right hooves in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about."

Swollen Feet said...

"I myth my mother"

Blonde said...

When you say that, "It's all greek to me" what precising are you talking about?

Anonymous said...

Your father was a quarter horse? I think I may have watched your conception in Tijuana.

Jim Cavanaugh

Austin said...

So the man pulled the glove up to his shoulder. Then what?

Austin said...

I'm afraid I can't take anything you say seriously until you get that horseshit off your face.

Austin said...

I'm sorry Mr. Wilpon. You just don't have the horsesense to run a professional baseball team.

Austin said...

And is it the same Amish man in all your nightmares?

boneguy said...

OK what do we get rid of first? The man boobies or the giant horse vagina?

Anonymous said...

Your wife's a nag? I figured as much.

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"So, what you're saying is that all your problems arose after being turned down for a part in Equus?"

Anonymous said...

Duh, whinnying!

Sorry, al

Dr. Occam said...

"Your file here says you have no balls. That's your problem. $200."

Satireguy said...

"Yes, I can see why you might think every day is a Satyrday."

Blonde said...

So, Mr. Ed. I take it there's no Mrs?

Anonymous said...

Biped-curious... interesting.

Rocko

Gary P said...

"All right Mr. X, our agreement is that I am not permitted to look at you. But you are going have to take care of that stench, or you will need to see a different therapist."

Myth Thang said...

"So, you delude yourself into believing that your father was killed in the *snicker* chariot race scene during the filming of Ben-Hur when, in actuality, he went out for a box of sugar cubes and never came back?"

Brokeback Mountin' said...

"You know, these days going bareback is extremely inadvisable."

Utellme said...

"And WHY do you make your lover wear chaps? Oh, because he's English . . . "

Al Poe said...

"You regret having made your living as a cruel, heartless pimp, but you miss your stable of bitches?"

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"And when did you start experiencing horseness and shortness of breath?"

Edward M Schupp said...

You have schizophrenia.
(I can't believe that I'm the first to post this one!)

Edward M Schupp said...

You have Adidas envy.


You ate dogfood? Yes, that’s gross, but… Oh my God! Dogfood is made from…


You’re here because a passerby on the street called out “Hey, that’s two-things-ism” and you ran him down and stomped him half to death.


I thought we’d try a past regression and see where that led us.

Anonymous said...

Schedule for next week with my Secretariat on your way out.

Rocko

Shelly said...

"First of all, is zis age correct, since za turf isn't matching za drapes, verstehen sie?"

Shelly said...

"And how long have you felt like Franco Harris trapped in a Philly's body?"

cta said...

"So you're hung like a man... Deal with it."

Kathy H said...

"So, it was after you won the lottery that you started to call yourself Rockefeller Centaur, correct?"

Anonymous said...

We validate, if that's of any interest to you.

Rocko

Dr Sumguy said...

"Your CV describes a "Pony Tail".Which end?"

Steve_O said...

"My mistake. It's not an Oepidal complex if you just want to buck your mother."

Steve_O said...

"or Oedipal."

Anonymous said...

"Well, you know what they say about caption contests. 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.'"

JohnnyB said...

Half man, half horse? That's just crazy.

Boy Howdy explained said...

Lott Montana fake commercial re: masculine itching.

No real point to its inclusion.

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

smuck said...

"Yes, yes, this intense fear makes your insides hurt, like your stomach is in knots. And your intestines too. This is very common, actually. But that doesn't change that fact that it is offal."

Glenn said...

People just don't understand satyre anymore.

K. Yanni Squatsi said...

"you seem a little uncentaured"

Anonymous said...

"'Oedipus' literally translates to "swollen feet"

Utellme said...

" . . . And this Englishman, is HE the one that bloke you?"

Anonymous said...

"I smell undercarriage"

JohnnyB said...

Do you think you deserve attention because you are deprived? ... or depraved?

Anonymous said...

At last ... the first openly gay major leaguer.

Jim Cavanaugh

Elizabeth said...

"Yes, I can see why you might think every day is a Satyrday."

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.