Sunday, September 19, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #256



















WINNER
"Hey, when did you get a ponytail?"-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is equal measures poignant and silly. So much so it is likely to escape the grasp of the casual reader. Still, once you realize he is referencing her elongated [and exceedingly cute] butt, it is an indisputable classic. This is not diminished by the fact that he too has "ponytail." Good one Kathy.)

SECOND PLACE
"Oh yah? Well you try gettin' a cab during rush hour when it's pouring rain and yer some tumblin' drunk with a huge hard-on and mythical to boot. Danny Glover has a better chance." --mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay there's a lot here, Maybe that's why mort posted it twice. It's pretty good when you think about it. Danny Glover, a pampered millionaire, did make a stink when cabs passed him by in NYC. Also, no one wants to hear your excuses when you're late. Not to be a prude but I found the hard-on part gratuitous.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Myth me--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short and cleaver [notice that I spelled it right this time]. )

I was lost in the rain in Juarez
It's a hard rain -- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As he works through his on-going creative drought, Johnny offers a few Dylan lines that reference rain. I appreciate them even if they don't fit the image. Keep trying Johnny. As always: "A" for effort.)

"It's just you, #12? What is it with you Rainy Day Women? I was expecting #35 to be here too."-- Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I never understood the title to that song. Also, why would someone stone you when you trying to take a bath or walk on a path? Take away the drug references and it really is a violent song.)

I just blew a pervert and two whores with no name
It feels good to be out of the rain--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How dare you bastardize this classic. I can see it now: The year is 1976. It's 10 am. We're supposed to be in study hall but we're in my friend's Torino. We're passing around a joint and this is the song on the 8-track. Good times. Good times.)

“How many years must Mt. Olympus exist before it is washed to the sea? I’m talking buckets of rain, buckets of tears out there . . . anyway, I’m just here seeking shelter from the storm, ‘cuz a hard rain’s gonna’ fall . . .”-Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While I appreciate the Dylanization of this contest, but let's not get all willy-nilly about it. Okay?)

"In the smoke of the twilight on a milk-white steed, Michelangeo indeed could've carved out your features." --Zimmy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a bit more classy. It's from "Jokerman," the first song on the Dylan album "Infidels." There is a horse reference so it kind of works. )

"You mean to say that Tim H is going to appear in the upcoming documentary on New York baseball teams called Baseball: A New York Love Story and that it will be available online shortly after broadcast? Is that what you're saying??" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is a perennial contender and frequent winner of this contest. If this was a talk show I would gladly let him plug his upcoming film, stand-up gig or skin care line. Would have been nice if he provided more info [date? network?] But I can't wait to see it, Tim. Huge baseball fans that we are, my wife and I are also psyched about the new Ken Burns series on PBS "The 10th Inning." Is your's as good as that, Tim? Just askin'.)

Why must you always be the centaur of attention? --otto wisniewski (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few folks incorporated the word "centaur," proving yet again that smart people can yield dumb puns. Also, I do believe I have never in my life met any one named "Otto.")

This is the last straw. Grab the puppets. We're going to couples therapy. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to last week's contest. I thought someone would suggest that the two figures were horses disguised as humans. Something like "Don't be such a human's head, Edna!" [ You know, as opposed to "horse's ass."] Didn't happen.)

"Rachel Alexandra? I barely know her. I mean, not in the biblical... oh, shit. How did you find out?" --Russell (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references an actual horse and is a play on the "Liquor?-I-barely-know-her" line that never gets old.)

What I'd do for Diane Lane, you'd do for John Malkovich! (Starring in SECRETARIAT, in theaters October 8.)-- Optimus Sub-Prime (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first-ever plug-cap. It was bound to happen. )

"Oh don't tell me..while I've been out braving the elements, Mikhail Gorbachev's head snuck in and did scooties all over your body. Is that it?"--Boris (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too stupid for words but still notable. Gorby had a weird birth mark on his head. That was the most memorable thing about him. )

"The horses here are us, Irene." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is weak but it keeps alive the classic "The hours here are obscene." So.. )

Don't tell me. You didn't get the Secretariat job? --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The person who submitted this violated the five cap rule, but this is the type of pun we can't ignore. )

Tim's errors here are obscene--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An apparent reference to Tim's drink-a-little, cap-a-little appproch to this contest. )

Hercules' sidekick Newton the Centaur all growed up. ---Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Italics AND a link that explains why this has merit. Kathy is to this contest what A-Rod is to the Yankees. [Without the steroids and the bloated salary, I mean.] )

"Look at that! Look at the tree! Oh, the tree! Look at the tree! Look at the tree! Dude, a fucking tornado for sure."
[Finally an allusion too obscure?] --David D. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's some stupid song about a tornado! I mean, as if!)

You're such a horse's ass, allie! You probably creamed yourself when Dylan sang Take Me Out to the Ball Game.--Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No Konnie, hearing Dylan sing this song on the baseball edition of Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour (TTRH) on Sirius XM radio was gratifying but not any where near the level you suggest. [You fucking sicko!] My admiration for Dylan is not, I assure you, sexual. [Once again I say: If you are trying to stump me--Dylan-wise--try harder] )

"Well, if I'm a mudder, I guess that makes you a mudderfucker." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so bad it almost won. Nuff said.)

139 comments:

 Konrad said...

This weather is shit!

Richard H said...

"It's just you, #12? What is it with you Rainy Day Women? I was expecting #35 to be here too."

Richard H said...

"I would have been here sooner, but I fell at the water jump on Elm Street."

Richard H said...

"No it wouldn't behoove me to take off my shoes, actually. Can't I just wipe them on the mat like always?"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

...stage whisper... "That Matt Weiner has gone too far this time."

Anonymous said...

"Your personal didn't mention anything about two extra legs."

Rob

Gary P said...

"We'll just use a lot of lubrication with it."

Anonymous said...

"You can't see my 'Gene Kelly' without getting wet."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"You mean to say that Tim H is going to appear in the upcoming documentary on New York baseball teams called Baseball: A New York Love Story and that it will be available online shortly after broadcast? Is that what you're saying??"

Mr. Zeus said...

"What a week! Is it Satyrday yet?"

Anonymous said...

"Hello, Mudder."

Anonymous said...

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know where your eyes are."

Rob

Anonymous said...

"Could be worse; at least I'm not glue/soylent-green."

Anonymous said...

Hey Tim H - Congratulations. That's pretty cool.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

[Hey, Anonymous, thanks! But it's no cooler than being a regular contributor to the happeningest anti-caption contest in the world. Or something.]

Anonymous said...

Tim H said…

"I'm confused. You mean this isn't a sedar? And you're not going to blow the chauffeur??"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"It's raining cats and dogs. Watch out or you'll step in a poodle."

Anonymous said...

I'm in no mood for your horse shit; the boss rode me hard today.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

I know, I know, I'm dripping on the floor. Tell me how you would keep your head and fat ass dry at the same time with one umbrella.

Jim Cavanaugh

holden_c said...

"I told that dumbass boss of mine, Al, that it's "clever" not "cleaver" and the bastard almost gelded me with a butcher knife."

Satireguy said...

"Sorry I'm late; it's raining pimps and whores out there."

Satireguy said...

"If you wanted a man hung like a horse, you should have married one."

boneguy said...

Tough day job hunting? I'd say so. It's no fun being a mythological creature with little to no experience.

boneguy said...

Next time decorate the house honoring our human half.

Anonymous said...

"Giuoco Piano? Fuck! I resign."

dwilk

Rico said...

"Tell me you didn't get another tail perm, and for chrissake please cover your dangling mare-toe. Sorry...it's the rain."

Grandma said...

"What? I told you I was spending the week in filly."

LV said...

"Your smelly shoe hanging up there doesn't seem too lucky. Once again, I could not bring home even one red cent, whore."

boneguy said...

I just saw the Hindenburg crash. O' the horse-manity.

Anonymous said...

Give me a few seconds and I'll close it, and no, I wasn't born in a barn.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

The new condo is nice, but the stairs are a bitch, and I need a more stable environment.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

[I really am confused. I got my satyrs and my centaurs all mixed up. So, my earlier "sedar", "chauffeur" comment don't make...how you say?...sense.

Sorry. I'll be more careful in the future.]

Anonymous said...

Damn, what a nag.

Jim Cavanaugh

LV said...

"OK, so I'll stop singing, 'The old gray mare- she ain't what she used to be'."

Harry said...

"Honey, I'm home! Oh, there you are. How was your day?"

Anonymous said...

"Whoa, I'm not kidding . . . the storm of the centaury out there! Did you myth me?"


--blw

Anonymous said...

“Well, what about you??? Only the stableman’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew ‘er.”


--blw

C. McCoy said...

"Honey, it felt right, so I took the Cowboys-Broncos over-under.

Horse-man's wet dream said...

"No shit, I'm late! Have you even looked outside today? By the way, where is my fucking dinner?" (alarm sounds)

boneguy said...

So he says, 'I'll need a urine sample' and I go, oh shit, I forgot my bucket.

Anonymous said...

"It's not fit outside for manacles or bestiality."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Hey, when did you get a ponytail?"

NAMBY said...

"Okay, I get it: Don't ask Christine O'Donnell if she's really a witch."

Steve_O said...

"I may be hung like a horse but ten minutes with you and I feel like a gelding."

Steve_O said...

"I'm still wondering how the fuck we're going to sit on that couch you insisted on buying!"

holden_c said...

"One more asshole yells, 'Wiilllbuuurrr' at me. . . "

otto wisniewski said...

Shut yer oat-hole Winnie.
Why must you always be the centaur of attention?

Jess said...

"Well I'll be leaving now. If you run another personal ad, I suggust you be a little more specific about your looks."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

Don't tell me. You didn't get the Secretariat job?

Utellme said...

Hay, whaddaya want? I'm not quite broken in. Now, quit stalling and get my horseshoes.

Utellme said...

All our company secrets have been leaked to our chief rival. After all this time, it turns out Ed in Accounting was a mule.

Utellme said...

Sorry I'm late. I had to pony-up and take the guys to a strip club. You should've seen those hotties climb the gallup poll - that'll leave me with nightmares for sure! I hope you were kind enough to wrap my dinner in foal.

Utellme said...

Don't say anything. I lost my job today; they replaced me with a Buick. By the way, I had a DNA test done on Junior behind your back. As I suspected, his REAL father's some jackass!

Utellme said...

"Alpo is peopllllllle!!!"

philomania said...

"You think they could have planned for this sort of thing."

philomania said...

"You think they could have planned for this sort of thing."

philomania said...

"You think they could have planned for this sort of thing."

LV said...

"Yet another day pounding the pavement, and finally success- I was promised a position in 'adhesives'".

LV said...

"Yes, it was a very hard day down at the orifice- you sure don't seem to mind those stud fees I bring home."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Sorry I'm late. I stopped by Harry's Big 'n' Equine Shoppe. Not much there, but I did get this umbrella."

Eric G said...

This is the last straw. Grab the puppets. We're going to couples therapy.

Eric G said...

This is the storm of the centaury.

Russell said...

"Rachel Alexandra? I barely know her. I mean, not in the biblical... oh, shit. How did you find out?"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Bad news. The Olympic Committee turned down competitive centaur racing as a medal sport."

Mort Drucker said...

"I'd tell you to get off your high horse but clearly you're horse is short. Also, you're small chested."

mort drucker said...

"Did it ever occur to you that you might not be the centaur of my world?"

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"The way you spend my money you must think I'm Rockefeller Centaur."

Anonymous said...

I've gotta crap like a human.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

How would you like to be ridden wet and put away hard?

Rocko

Bill D said...

No need to emasculate me, Camilla, I'm already a gelding.

Bill D said...

You're right, Camilla, I didn't get the Old Spice part. They gave it to some stud. But don't be such a neighsayer, I'm sure there will be other centaur casting calls.

Anonymous said...

"I ask what's for dinner and you say 'Seabiscuits'??? That is so beyond sick."


--blw

smuck said...

"I just came in a Philly, and boy is my dick tired. I mean, flew."

A horse that's smarter than Tim H said...

"No, I have no idea why people click 'Anonymous' and then type in their names anyhow."

Anonymous said...

“Oh, just another typical day here at Olympus Manor . . . Zeus is pissed at somebody and the thunder and lightning’s hit the fan.”


--blw

Anonymous said...

What I'd do for Diane Lane, you'd do for John Malkovich! (Starring in SECRETARIAT, in theaters October 8.)

- Optimus Sub-Prime

Anonymous said...

They made a movie about the inventor of the urinal cake. It's called Peebiscuit.

- Roger Kaputnik

Anonymous said...

Turn around so I can say hello to J.D.

palofalinla

Boris said...

"Oh don't tell me..while I've been out braving the elements, Mikhail Gorbachev's head snuck in and did scooties all over your body. Is that it?"

Satireguy said...

"Alright! Alright! I'll get you your goddamn cigarettes!"

Anonymous said...

I've looked all over town. There's no such thing as a hay loft apartment.

Rocko

 Konrad said...

What a fucked-up day! Of all the days not to be able to find one of my damn shoes.

smuck said...

"Oh wait, I forgot to crap in the street. Back in a sec."

smuck said...

"The horses here are us, Irene."

Anonymous said...

“Centaury 21 won’t even sell this place, but they did ask me if I had four quarters for a buck.”

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

[Dear Mr. A horse that's smarter than Tim H,

It's called style.]

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

["...er, style."]

Anonymous said...

"Oy, my achin' back. I can't even stand up straight. Hon, will you give me a massage? An hour aught to be enough."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Why do have to be such a naysayer?"

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Why do you have to be such a naysayer?"

[I will have to stop taking drugs. Or something. Sorry for the errors.]

Anonymous said...

Tim's errors here are obscene.

Anonymous said...

I just blew a pervert and two whores with no name
It feels good to be out of the rain

Rocko

Anonymous said...

“How many years must Mt. Olympus exist before it is washed to the sea? I’m talking buckets of rain, buckets of tears out there . . . anyway, I’m just here seeking shelter from the storm, ‘cuz a hard rain’s gonna’ fall . . .”


--blw

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

[Apologies to Bill D. I did not see his neighsayer comment before posting my naysayer comment.

Bill D = Win
Tim H = Place]

boneguy said...

Great news. Cousin Ed just got cast
in some movie called "The Godfather."

Gary P said...

"I'm so hungry, I could eat my own ass."

Zimmy said...

"In the smoke of the twilight on a milk-white steed, Michelangeo indeed could've carved out your features."

LV said...

"Your carpet really matches your drapes. And when are you going to update this tired old Victorian look? It's like Norman Bates' mom's house in here."

Steve_O said...

"I just saw our neighbor Fred being hauled away to the dog food factory."

Anonymous said...

"My turn. What has four legs and not much longer to live?"

Rob

mort drucker said...

"Oh yah? Well you try gettin' a cab during rush hour when it's pouring rain and yer stumblin' drunk with a huge hard-on and mythical to boot. Danny Glover has a better chance."

mort drucker said...

"Oh yah? Well you try gettin' a cab during rush hour when it's pouring rain and yer stumblin' drunk with a huge hard-on and mythical to boot. Danny Glover has a better chance."

Anonymous said...

"What are you lookin' at? Bitch."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

Hercules' sidekick Newton the Centaur all growed up.

Anonymous said...

Myth me?

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"Shut up, eight legs!"

dwilk

Jess said...

"The hours here are equine."

mort drucker said...

"Do you mind if I leave the door open? It smells like a stable in here."

mort drucker said...

"And then Mr. Ed said to Wilbur, 'Why did you tell me horses sleep standing up? Now I have a mental block.' Everyone thought that was pretty funny until Ed got strung out on Goofballs then moved on to heroin. Poor guy. He was a 'horse on horse.' And no one can talk to a horse on horse. So they shot him in the head and cancelled the show."

Horst DuOveur said...

To err is Human
to forgive , Equine!

David D. said...

"Look at that! Look at the tree! Oh, the tree! Look at the tree! Look at the tree! Dude, a fucking tornado for sure."

[Finally an allusion too obscure?]

 Konrad said...

It ain't a fit night out for Ann or Bernice, so I'm afraid the threesome is off.

Anonymous said...

"I fucking hate PETA."

Anonymous said...

"'Tis not fit out there for man nor beast. Nor, especially, man-beast." -cta

 Konrad said...

That fucking Minotaur next door was checking out your threads again, Ariadne, so I slew him with my umbrella.

Anonymous said...

"Sorry I'm late for the studding, Ma'am. I don't want to be stallion you any longer, so why don't you apploosa that blouse and I'll get right on it?" -cta

cta said...

"Ugh, this rain has me feeling a little horse. I think I've a colt coming on."

 Konrad said...

You're such a horse's ass, allie! You probably creamed yourself when Dylan sang Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

Bobtail Dylan said...

"Nay, lady, nay, nay at your man awhile. Why wait any longer for the one you love when he’s standing in front of you"

Anonymous said...

"Do I notice anything different?.....Do I notice anything different?............................Do I notice anything different? Yeah, your mouth has been shut for more than thirty seconds!"

jazzy

jacob wallflower said...

Everybody must get ROANED

Steve_O said...

"Well, if I'm a mudder, I guess that makes you a mudderfucker."

Hazarabs said...

No bridal? No grooming? No Equine and Roses?

Hazarabs said...

No bridal shower? No grooming?
No equine and roses?

Anonymous said...

"I fear the end is near, dear."

JohnnyB said...

I'm back

JohnnyB said...

It's a hard rain

JohnnyB said...

I was lost in the rain in Juarez

Harry said...

"I did it. He's dead."

Anonymous said...

"Call Mrs. Reynolds, dear. The wind blew my shit in her yard."

holden_c said...

"You bitch! I just saw Michael Landon leaving out the back door. He's been riding you again, hasn't he?"

Satireguy said...

"Back off, bitch! The boss was riding my ass all day."

Grandma said...

"Hon, can I make it up to you by putting my human arm in your fetid horse box?"

Tim H said...

[Note to al in al: Thank you for the Honorable Mention and for allowing me a rare shameless plug.

Now, to clear up a bit what it was I was promoting. In conjuction with the Ken Burns documentary this week on PBS, the local New York affiliates have produced a five-episode series called "Baseball: A New York Love Story." Within the programs, fans of the four NY baseball teams have told stories about their favorite teams. My episode -- called "Brushes with History" -- deals with the time I was able to capture on 8mm film the iconic catch made by Met Ron Swoboda during the 1969 World Series.

The air dates and times for my epsiode are 9/29@10:02pm on Channel 13, with a rerun on Channel 21, on early Thursday, 9/30@12:10am. Other airings on Channel 13 are on 10/1@3:05am and 10/4@1:00am.

All of the programs will be available for online viewing shortly after broadcast on the Channel 13 website: www.thriteen.org/baseball

Thanks again, al in la. I hope you enjoy the programs.]

Tim H said...

[...make that Note to al in la...]

Anonymous said...

Tim's errors here are still obscene.

Anonymous said...

I would like to exchange links with your site alinla.blogspot.com
Is this possible?

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.