Monday, September 27, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #257













WINNER"Della, there's no way Donald will put Jewie in cartoons, although he might be able to run the studio." --M. Gibson (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I am a bit disturbed by the number of entries this week that assumed a duck with glasses must somehow be Jewish. Everyone knows Jews can’t swim have been victimized by vicious stereotypes for far too long. This, however, has the four pillars of anti-cap success: It’s funny, appropriate, ironic and insensitive. It is also one of several caps signed by a variation of “Mel Gibson.” Even Mel now knows this is type of humor is ill advised. For the record, the Aryan Brotherhood’s preferred spelling is “Jewy.” )
SECOND PLACEOK big-shot. You try getting clearance over Saudi airspace with kids named Huey, Louie and Jewy. –boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: It’s similar to this week’s winner, but not nearly as smart. By the way, bonehead, there are FOUR baby ducks in the cartoon. At least you got the spelling of "Jewy" right,)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Oy vey, tell me you kept the shell."-- Mallard Gibson (JUDGE’S COMMENT: It takes a second to get this one, but a Jewish mom would instinctively wonder if a defective duck could be returned. To do so you would need to put him back in his original packaging. A mallard is a duck and, as noted, Gibson is a movie star who rants at Jews when drunk. The literal translation of “oy vey” is “for Christ's sake.” That’s why this works.)

"Even though one of our ducklings has been odd-looking for all the time we've known him, I shall choose to take this particular moment to comment upon him, apropos of nothing, because such is the nature of cartoon captions." –David D.
"I'm telling you, honey, with this flagrant appeal to the New Yorker's demographic, they'll HAVE to make a cartoon about us. Just watch. Trust me." --David D. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A manic depressive who favors irony over humor, David D. checks in with two caps that comment on the banal absurdity of life and, by extension, the New Yorker cartoons that breathe life into our contest. I think we all agree, both of D.D.'s caps may be accurate but not really funny.)
The Ducks always travel to road games with a tutor.—Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: You can tell that the occasionally witty Rocko was reaching for anything remotely relevant. It’s not really funny, but it reminds us that those who wear glasses tend to be smart. It also greatly exagerates the University of Oregon’s commitment to academic excellence.)

"I don't know how the hell it happened, but we've only got 8 days to find a mohel." --Eric G
(JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another cap suggesting that a duck with glasses and a prominent nose must be Jewish. This also conjures the notion of an impending bris. Will there be lox and bagels? It doesn’t say.)
"With that beak? He's got to be a jew." –Jess (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Ducks have BILLS, Jess. Not beaks. But this too is funny and insensitive. )


"Tell Artie to lose the Beagle Puss or we'll never get into the Gibson party." --Murtaugh(JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yes, another highly offensive cap that maligns Jews and mentions Mel Gibson. )
"You're not mad that I fucked your accountant?" --Anonymous. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who says he’s not mad? The point is that people who wear glasses are smart and wonkish--and sexually desirerable. On that much we all agree. At least they didn’t go with “fucked a Jew.”)

". . . I know, I know, I see it too. But can he sing like Dylan?" --holden_c (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yes, he is a genius and one of the most talented song writers to ever tour roam the earth. Admittedly, Bob does have a bit of a schnoz.)
How sad your pathetic, little life must be that you feel you must invoke my name to suck up to this al in la character. And for what, some lame contest with no prize. Have you no self-esteem at all, Mr. Duck?--Bob Dylan (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I doubt that Dylan actually wrote this cap. But in the off chance that this is from Him, I humbly include it. Thanks, Bob, if this is really you. )
4 baby ducks (1 pound each), split in half
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup ketchup
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 garlic clove, minced
Directions
Place ducks in a 13-in. x -in. x 2-in. baking dish. Cover and bake at 350° for 1-3/4 to 2 hours or until tender.—Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who the hell adds ketchup to their duck? Poorly constructed and ill-conceived, but this is our first ever recipe-cap so I felt compelled to add it.)
"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?" –Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Just so you know I know this: It’s a song from Sesame Street that Dylan covered during his '78 European tour.)
"I despise the way you pose yourself. You and your whole ducking family."-- Sen. Quack Geary (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Continuing my obscure reference thing: This is from Godfather II. Kind of works.)

"Call the Peabody Hotel and tell them we'll be late." --Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The always fastidious Kathy H. supplied a link to support this. It seems this hotel has ducks in a fountain that roam around the lobby. How K.H. knows this is her business.)
“Make fun of him all you want . . . but I think a full ride to the University of Oregon is just another feather in his DA.”--left coast wayne (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is lame but the U. of Oregon’s team name is the Ducks. Also DA is short for District Attorney. Isn’t it clear by now that you cannot sneak this stuff by me?)
“I know we’re nationally ranked #4 . . . but don’t you think ‘little Einstein’ is just a little too cerebral for this game???”—blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another nod to the U. of Oregon. Similar to the previous cap in that it’s not funny. Fun fact: The actor Albert Brooks’ real name is “Albert Einstein,” he is the brother of “Super Dave” Osborn whose real name is also “Einstein.” [No lie].)
"I hope we have this on tape. Duck tape! Ha ha ha ha ha!! –Clowny (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually it’s “duct tape.” It can restrain or silence a human, mend a leak or, when wrapped around your hand sticky-side out, remove lint from a sweater. For a longest time I too thought it was "duck tape" but that was a while ago.)
"I think little Freddie might have down syndrome." –smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I always thought it was Down’s syndrome but this cap made me look it up. Now I’m the one who feels like a retard.)
He said "There's no place here for the miniskirt waddle."-- Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Makes no sense and is not funny, but it is from the classic Elvis song “(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea.” Just know that I know that.)

"Let's float by and razz Cheney. He won't shoot us with that little Neo-Con around."--mort drucker (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Are you kidding? He’d shoot you and claim it was your fault. The take away here: glasses are not the sole domain of Jewish accountants. Noted.)
In the new Disney movie, "Honey, I shrunk the ducks!" Donald and his husband Dave navigate the intricacies of the miniature world while making sure Huey, Dewey, Louie and Clarence stay out of trouble. Here's a scene where Rick Moranis soaks in the tub and our intrepid gay heroes must navigate around his areola. --Austin in PA (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Lots of effort went into this. In the history of the contest it is the first cap to mention the areola AND actor Rick Moranis.)
"This river's cold and there's a nice plane overhead. C'mon, let's go warm up by the jet turbine." --LR . (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is only funny if you did not know any of the Canadian geese sucked into the engines of the US Airways flight that touched down in the Hudson, January 2008. [Capt. Sully, you’ll recall, was at the helm.] I was once delayed for four hours at O’Hare so I can relate to this type of horror.)

116 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"'Put it on my bill.' HA HA HA!!! That's a good one!"

Anonymous said...

“I'm hungry too. Can I have the second from the end?”

Rob

JohnnyB said...

"I swear, the swan and I are just friends."

JohnnyB said...

No, these are Jack, Lack, Mack and Nack; the turtle ate Kack, Ouack Pack and Quack.

JohnnyB said...

How to serve duck is a cookbook!

JohnnyB said...

The little nerd quacks me up.

Tim H said...

"Honey, have you seen L'orange?"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I still say that if we're going to do the whole anthropomorphic thing, we should wait for an offer from Disney."

Anonymous said...

"Beautiful swan, my ass -- with our luck, he's going to be imprinted until he's 40."

--Jared S.

Anonymous said...

"You're not mad that I fucked your accountant?"

boneguy said...

If things get really tough, we can always get our old job back at the shooting gallery.

Anonymous said...

"Say the secret word and I'll drowned the motherfucker."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

4 baby ducks (1 pound each), split in half
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup ketchup
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 garlic clove, minced
Directions
Place ducks in a 13-in. x -in. x 2-in. baking dish. Cover and bake at 350° for 1-3/4 to 2 hours or until tender.

Rob

Harry said...

"Quack."

M. Gibson said...

"Looks like Tur-Jew-en for Thanksgiving."

M. Gibson said...

"Della, there's no way Donald will put Jewie in cartoons, although he might be able to run the studio."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Oh, is it already time for a Zelig remake?"

Tim H said...

[Note to al in la: I left an explanatory comment at the end of last week's contest re the baseball documentary.]

Anonymous said...

Grammatical Correction.

"Say the secret word and I'll drown the motherfucker."

dwilk

Mallard Gibson said...

"Oy vey, tell me you kept the shell."

Murtaugh said...

"Tell Artie to lose the Beagle Puss or we'll never get into the Gibson party."

Tim H said...

"Now, I'm not sayin' your feet are big, but they'd give the World Wide Web a run for its money."

[...insert rim shot here...]

 Konrad said...

If we're going to drown it, why did you bring the kids?

Anonymous said...

"You and and your pregnancy food cravings. He's obviously some kind of unnatural byproduck!" -cta

 Konrad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Damon said...

"He isn't a cowboy, or an office worker, or able to use a phone, or coming home to his angry wife. Just be thankful."

Anonymous said...

"Duck soup would be apropos."

dwilk

 Konrad said...

You're lucky those are his only deformities given all the quack you smoked when you were pregnant.

Anonymous said...

"Look . . . we can settle our own issues. We don't need Henry Kissinger, Jr. and his puddle diplomacy!"

--blw

Anonymous said...

The eiders here are obscene.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

“Sure he’s class valedictorian . . . but, personally, I think they’re all shoo-ins at the University of Oregon.”

--blw

Anonymous said...

“I know we’re nationally ranked #4 . . . but don’t you think ‘little Einstein’ is just a little too cerebral for this game???”

--blw

Anonymous said...

“Make fun of him all you want . . . but I think a full ride to the University of Oregon is just another feather in his DA.”

--left coast wayne

Steve_O said...

"Frances! You said that you and Mortie Duckberg were just friends!"

Satireguy said...

"Well, he's definitely not mine."

holden_c said...

"He asked me if I was trying to seduce him and then he called me Mrs. Robinson."

holden_c said...

". . . I know, I know, I see it too. But can he sing like Dylan?"

Austin in PA said...

In the new Disney movie, "Honey, I shrunk the ducks!" Donald and his husband Dave navigate the intricacies of the miniature world while making sure Huey, Dewey, Louie and Clarence stay out of trouble. Here's a scene where Rick Moranis soaks in the tub and our intrepid gay heroes must navigate around his areola.

smuck said...

"What's wrong?! I'll tell you what's wrong! We had it great. We had 3 ducklings, just like we planned. We'd waddle around Boston Public Gardens all day long. The humans would feed us, help us cross dangerous streets... You remember. But ever since that ugly bastard child of yours showed up, well... Nobody makes way for dorklings."

smuck said...

"I think little Freddie might have down syndrome."

Anonymous said...

"Well, the cross-breeding experiment worked; he's got a fully functioning human brain. And now he's already ruined his eyes looking at porn on the computer all day long." -cta

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Call the Peabody Hotel and tell them we'll be late."

Tim H said...

"I know we started out with eight, but can't you once look at the glass as half-filled? Sheesh."

 Konrad said...

Yeah, he's ugly as sin, but that's what happens when you offend God with your cheating ways, harlot.

Chad said...

"It may walk like a duck, but it smells like a skunk"

 Konrad said...

These sure are muddy waters; I hope little Walter can navigate them okay.

 Konrad said...

Next time, fuck a duck.

Anonymous said...

“I’m laughing all the way to the bank.”

dwilk

Anonymous said...

I should have used a rubber, duck.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Goddamn that stork. I order a baby duck and she sends us a baby dork.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

OK big-shot. You try getting clearance over Saudi airspace with kids named Huey, Louie and Jewy.

Bob Dylan said...

How sad your pathetic, little life must be that you feel you must invoke my name to suck up to this al in la character. And for what, some lame contest with no prize. Have you no self-esteem at all, Mr. Duck?

Don Draper said...

Yeah?

Don Draper said...

Oops! That was supposed to be an exclamation point.

Sen. Quack Geary said...

"I despise the way you pose yourself. You and your whole ducking family."

mort drucker said...

The duck-rabbit was an ambiguous illustration used by psychologists to explore human perception. I don't know what this is.

mort drucker said...

"I think that optometrist was a quack."

Luis said...

"So you're sure those NRA members hiding in the bluff ahead will leave us alone this time?"

Tim H said...

"Thank God for health care reform. Otherwise, do you know how much we'd have to spend for a duck ophthalmologist?"

Anonymous said...

"Admit it, we have no real direction in life. But I think little Jeb has this vision thing all figured out . . ."

--left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

When did you get a duck tail?

Anonymous said...

He's an odd duck alright, but I prefer to look at it as a glasses half full kind of thing.

Rocko

Satireguy said...

"I never slept with Swifty Lazar; why won't you believe me?"

George W Bush said...

I like cartoons. Show one with a kitty!

Anonymous said...

"No biggie. Haven't you noticed our accountant's kids all have web feet."

Grandma said...

"Actually, I'd have preferred fucking omelette."

G2 said...

"did you hear me? 'a' fucking omelette."

Jess said...

"With that beak? He's got to be a jew."

Anonymous said...

I suspect you're the only one who will ever lay poor little Egbert.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

We're becoming a glasses menagerie.

Jim Cavanaugh

Sam Grunion said...

Gumby? Gummo? When you never see him, it's easy to forget.

OO7 said...

Pond. James Pond; don't turn! but I do believe one of us is being followed.

Anonymous said...

“end second the belong. from one The doesn’t”

Rob

Gary P said...

"If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, but doesn't really look like a duck, then what the hell is it?"

LR said...

"This river's cold and there's a nice plane overhead. C'mon, let's go warm up by the jet turbine."

Richard H said...

"He's not yours."

mort drucker said...

"Let's float by and razz Cheney. He won't shoot us with that little Neo-Con around."

m. drucker and m. gibson said...

"Stop saying 'I've got my ducks in a row.' It's demeaning to ducks not to mention that little kike who we've apparently adopted."

Anonymous said...

American scientific companies have given him a fully functioning human brain.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"AFLAC!!!"

Anonymous said...

"Who the H-E-Double-toothpicks invited Toilet Duck?"

Anonymous said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expected bad eyes.

David D. said...

"Even though one of our ducklings has been odd-looking for all the time we've known him, I shall choose to take this particular moment to comment upon him, apropos of nothing, because such is the nature of cartoon captions."

David D. said...

"I'm telling you, honey, with this flagrant appeal to the New Yorker's demographic, they'll HAVE to make a cartoon about us. Just watch. Trust me."

NAMBY said...

"I'm not sure. All I know is the Chinese restruant called and said they wanted to serve us."

Anonymous said...

"Insult him all you want, you big bully . . . To him it's just water off a . . . off a . . . uhhhh . . . how does that saying go???"

--blw

Utellme said...

"Then, you didn't duck him?"

Utellme said...

I see you and Hagar did the eggschange thing again. Next time, do it with Mammie like you did in '08. It made me proud having a son with a big duck.

Utellme said...

"You know, you're like a loose goose. Look at me when I'm talkin' to you, bitch!"

Scott W said...

How come we arent moving?

Anonymous said...

He said "There's no place here for the miniskirt waddle."

- Roger Kaputnik

Zsa Zsa said...

"Sure he's ugly, but at least God gave him a huge cloacal protuberance."

Clowny said...

"I hope we have this on tape. Duck tape! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Eric G said...

"I don't know how the hell it happened, but we've only got 8 days to find a mohel."

Anonymous said...

Floaters

Rocko

Dick Whitman said...

"I know Duck was fucking Peggy. How does that explain him?"

Mort Drucker said...

"I only wish Darwin had lived to see this."

Anonymous said...

Sophie's Choice? A no-brainer for me.

Ben T

Anonymous said...

"We need to get his pecker circumcised."

Juan Guess said...

Now I've heard of CHICKEN-catch-Joe Torre....

Villa said...

"So if she weighs the same as Howard... she's made of wood?"

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

I oughta' pluck you up!

Utellme said...

"The doctor said this mallardy came from your side, remember?"

Anonymous said...

The Ducks always travel to road games with a tutor.

Rocko

Gary P said...

"You are such an idiot. It's duck and cover, not duck undercover.

Anonymous said...

"Tell Quackatoa he's supposed to be east of Java"

Anonymous said...

"We're going to make Holden Caulfield really wonder about us."

Steve_O said...

"Maybe Christine O'Donnell's right. If they can make mice with human brains, why not ducks?"

Anonymous said...

"Lame, ugly, ruptured...take your pick."

jazzy

Anonymous said...

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?"

the_author said...

"Comment deleted."

Anonymous said...

I really think our trip to
Easter Island had a big impact on Blaine

smuck said...

The down syndrome joke is because they're ducks.

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.