The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #257

WINNER"Della, there's no way Donald will put Jewie in cartoons, although he might be able to run the studio." --M. Gibson (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I am a bit disturbed by the number of entries this week that assumed a duck with glasses must somehow be Jewish. Everyone knows Jews can’t swim have been victimized by vicious stereotypes for far too long. This, however, has the four pillars of anti-cap success: It’s funny, appropriate, ironic and insensitive. It is also one of several caps signed by a variation of “Mel Gibson.” Even Mel now knows this is type of humor is ill advised. For the record, the Aryan Brotherhood’s preferred spelling is “Jewy.” )
SECOND PLACEOK big-shot. You try getting clearance over Saudi airspace with kids named Huey, Louie and Jewy. –boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: It’s similar to this week’s winner, but not nearly as smart. By the way, bonehead, there are FOUR baby ducks in the cartoon. At least you got the spelling of "Jewy" right,)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Oy vey, tell me you kept the shell."-- Mallard Gibson (JUDGE’S COMMENT: It takes a second to get this one, but a Jewish mom would instinctively wonder if a defective duck could be returned. To do so you would need to put him back in his original packaging. A mallard is a duck and, as noted, Gibson is a movie star who rants at Jews when drunk. The literal translation of “oy vey” is “for Christ's sake.” That’s why this works.)

"Even though one of our ducklings has been odd-looking for all the time we've known him, I shall choose to take this particular moment to comment upon him, apropos of nothing, because such is the nature of cartoon captions." –David D.
"I'm telling you, honey, with this flagrant appeal to the New Yorker's demographic, they'll HAVE to make a cartoon about us. Just watch. Trust me." --David D. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A manic depressive who favors irony over humor, David D. checks in with two caps that comment on the banal absurdity of life and, by extension, the New Yorker cartoons that breathe life into our contest. I think we all agree, both of D.D.'s caps may be accurate but not really funny.)
The Ducks always travel to road games with a tutor.—Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: You can tell that the occasionally witty Rocko was reaching for anything remotely relevant. It’s not really funny, but it reminds us that those who wear glasses tend to be smart. It also greatly exagerates the University of Oregon’s commitment to academic excellence.)

"I don't know how the hell it happened, but we've only got 8 days to find a mohel." --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another cap suggesting that a duck with glasses and a prominent nose must be Jewish. This also conjures the notion of an impending bris. Will there be lox and bagels? It doesn’t say.)
"With that beak? He's got to be a jew." –Jess (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Ducks have BILLS, Jess. Not beaks. But this too is funny and insensitive. )

"Tell Artie to lose the Beagle Puss or we'll never get into the Gibson party." --Murtaugh(JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yes, another highly offensive cap that maligns Jews and mentions Mel Gibson. )
"You're not mad that I fucked your accountant?" --Anonymous. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who says he’s not mad? The point is that people who wear glasses are smart and wonkish--and sexually desirerable. On that much we all agree. At least they didn’t go with “fucked a Jew.”)

". . . I know, I know, I see it too. But can he sing like Dylan?" --holden_c (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yes, he is a genius and one of the most talented song writers to ever tour roam the earth. Admittedly, Bob does have a bit of a schnoz.)
How sad your pathetic, little life must be that you feel you must invoke my name to suck up to this al in la character. And for what, some lame contest with no prize. Have you no self-esteem at all, Mr. Duck?--Bob Dylan (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I doubt that Dylan actually wrote this cap. But in the off chance that this is from Him, I humbly include it. Thanks, Bob, if this is really you. )
4 baby ducks (1 pound each), split in half
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup ketchup
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 garlic clove, minced
Directions
Place ducks in a 13-in. x -in. x 2-in. baking dish. Cover and bake at 350° for 1-3/4 to 2 hours or until tender.—Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who the hell adds ketchup to their duck? Poorly constructed and ill-conceived, but this is our first ever recipe-cap so I felt compelled to add it.)
"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?" –Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Just so you know I know this: It’s a song from Sesame Street that Dylan covered during his '78 European tour.)
"I despise the way you pose yourself. You and your whole ducking family."-- Sen. Quack Geary (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Continuing my obscure reference thing: This is from Godfather II. Kind of works.)

"Call the Peabody Hotel and tell them we'll be late." --Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The always fastidious Kathy H. supplied a link to support this. It seems this hotel has ducks in a fountain that roam around the lobby. How K.H. knows this is her business.)
“Make fun of him all you want . . . but I think a full ride to the University of Oregon is just another feather in his DA.”--left coast wayne (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is lame but the U. of Oregon’s team name is the Ducks. Also DA is short for District Attorney. Isn’t it clear by now that you cannot sneak this stuff by me?)
“I know we’re nationally ranked #4 . . . but don’t you think ‘little Einstein’ is just a little too cerebral for this game???”—blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another nod to the U. of Oregon. Similar to the previous cap in that it’s not funny. Fun fact: The actor Albert Brooks’ real name is “Albert Einstein,” he is the brother of “Super Dave” Osborn whose real name is also “Einstein.” [No lie].)
"I hope we have this on tape. Duck tape! Ha ha ha ha ha!! –Clowny (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually it’s “duct tape.” It can restrain or silence a human, mend a leak or, when wrapped around your hand sticky-side out, remove lint from a sweater. For a longest time I too thought it was "duck tape" but that was a while ago.)
"I think little Freddie might have down syndrome." –smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I always thought it was Down’s syndrome but this cap made me look it up. Now I’m the one who feels like a retard.)
He said "There's no place here for the miniskirt waddle."-- Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Makes no sense and is not funny, but it is from the classic Elvis song “(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea.” Just know that I know that.)

"Let's float by and razz Cheney. He won't shoot us with that little Neo-Con around."--mort drucker (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Are you kidding? He’d shoot you and claim it was your fault. The take away here: glasses are not the sole domain of Jewish accountants. Noted.)
In the new Disney movie, "Honey, I shrunk the ducks!" Donald and his husband Dave navigate the intricacies of the miniature world while making sure Huey, Dewey, Louie and Clarence stay out of trouble. Here's a scene where Rick Moranis soaks in the tub and our intrepid gay heroes must navigate around his areola. --Austin in PA (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Lots of effort went into this. In the history of the contest it is the first cap to mention the areola AND actor Rick Moranis.)
"This river's cold and there's a nice plane overhead. C'mon, let's go warm up by the jet turbine." --LR . (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is only funny if you did not know any of the Canadian geese sucked into the engines of the US Airways flight that touched down in the Hudson, January 2008. [Capt. Sully, you’ll recall, was at the helm.] I was once delayed for four hours at O’Hare so I can relate to this type of horror.)