Monday, October 4, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #258

NOTE: Predictably, the entries this week were exactly what you’d expect. For the sake of this contest, an attractive young bride draped around the neck of her groom is like a banana peel on busy sidewalk. The likelihood of laughs far outweighs any concern for the hurt about to be visited on some passing ass. Many embittered Anti-Cappers suggested that the woman on the man's back is a metaphor for marriage. To no one's surprise, many others assumed it was a sexual position. As such, there was no shortage of captions related to women’s anatomy. Of course, when it comes to sex jokes, priests these days are low hanging fruit (even the straight ones.)
As always, insensitive, stupid and ludicrous caps are encouraged. But cap carefully and please try to avoid lame, obvious entries that have no value. Also please post no more than FIVE caps each week and keep them to 25 words or less. I also want to ask that you stay away from posting under “anonymous.” At least make up an interesting name. Since all of this is on the honor system I am sure these requests will be widely ignored or perhaps ridiculed. --al in la

WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"You may now get the bride off."--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This seems like something Bevis would say to Butthead, but it goes much deeper. Also, far from being just another insensitive sexist cap, this is decidedly pro-babe. It tells us that the man's first husbandly obligation is to satisfy his new wife. It also suggests that she held back on sex to leverage the deal; a very shrewd and increasingly rare negotiating ploy. So Rob wins this week with a kinky yet romantic cap that speaks to the empowerment of women. Of course, there’s always the chance that she simply attached herself to this guy like a tick on a deer until this poor slob spit out an “I do.” Either way, this is a terrific double entendre. Nice one Rob, you nailed this bitch.)

SECOND PLACE
Shut up, Bob. Everyone knows your wife is a clip-on.-- JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Like an aging veteran who comes off the bench on aching knees to smack a clutch single in the late innings, Johnny has made perfect use of an Anti-Cap classic. When a star player goes through the type of awful slump he’s been having, it’s great to see him go back to basics and find his grove—even if just for one at bat. Yes, it would have been a double if he hustled; and of course we’ll need to send in a pinch runner, but it’s a promising development.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Yup, every once in a while JohnnyB gets a hold of one...... –Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Entered shortly after Johnny’s cap, this quotes something I wrote about Johnny months ago. This means three things: Baseball references never get old, my humor is predictable consistent and someone is paying attention.)

How apropos; a bridle bouquet. --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Mrs. alinla liked this one. She believes “bridle” is funny because the woman is riding him like he's a horse. If it’s consensual, I have no problem with the type of thing.)

"And do you, Bob, acknowledge that in the vows you allowed Jenny to write, she is indeed serious that if you are ever unfaithful she does intend, as she is now playfully demonstrating, to break your fucking neck?" --Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I hope they signed a pre-nup because this marriage is doomed. Dear Abby would have told her not to marry a man she does not trust. Still, Richard went down the block and back to make a joke. I think we should all smile politely.)

"I've married gays and I've married straights. I've married a bigamist and a polygamist. Hell, I even once married a dog and a monkey. But I've never before married a man and his transgendered Siamese twin." --Steve_O (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap is dumb and far too long. I can understand a minister uniting a dog and a monkey in wedlock, but would he really say 'hell?’ It would have been slightly more funny without the first part. “Conjoined twins” is the more accepted term but if you use it no one knows what you mean.)

"By the power vested in me by the ever-forward-thinking state of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you the first, and hopefully last, married Siamese twins."-- Chang & Eng (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not even slightly funny but similar in its ham-fisted intolerance. Like the preceding cap, this apparently is a dig at Gay marriage. It’s the slippery slope argument favored by Fox News: If gays can be wed, what’s to stop, say, plankton from marrying protozoa? Well? Answer me!)

"Tilt the head back to establish a proper airway, then proceed to stifle the life out of him for several years."-- LV (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Interestingly LV evokes a life saving procedure to fashion this sad and bitter cap. We all know someone just like LV. Sometimes a hug is as good as a Heimlich)

I see she's already started fucking with your head.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: More playful than LV’s cap but Jim also hints at his sense of loss and betrayal. Tell us JC: Did she make you cry? Make you break down? Shatter your illusions of love?)

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di...vorce her eventually because, unfortunately, it happens to nearly 50% of all married couples. Quite sad really."-- Debbie Downer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I appreciate your use of a cherished classic cap. Still, if you wanted to get statistical you should have gone with this: “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die 10 years later than a man who has never married.” Admittedly that would have been less edgy. )

"I know porn-nounce you horny bitch and poorly drawn man." --Mort Drucker (JUDGE’S COMMENT: To bad to ignore. One of the worst I’ve ever seen [and this is a tough league.])

"And, Oksana, you parasitic money-grubbing little tramp, do you take Mel, the misogynistic, anti-semitic, Irish-Aussie lush to be your certifiably-crazy, baby-daddy cash-cow?"-- bwuddy Glover (JUDGE’S COMMENT: If their vows were this precise and candid they would still have exchanged “I dos.” If we can all agree Mel has a few issues can we also agree he is not worth the trouble?)

"As the husband-to-be, you are here willingly today, prepared to be saddled with a mate, to rein in those youthful desires; you have sown your oats and are now ready to be spurred to those happy trails of wedded bliss . . . and you, my little sweetheart of the rodeo . . . you must never hesitate to use the whip . . ." --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: With its brutal honesty, stupid puns and a nod to S&M, it’s hard not to like this cap. Maybe some details on other things she “must never hesitate to use” would have been nice.)

“Tell me, my dear children, what do you want . . . what do we all want . . . from this blessed union? . . . Win? Place? Show?--”--Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is slightly appropriate since she is riding him as a jockey would. Sadly it’s also illogical: no one aspires for 2nd or 3rd place, [unless it’s the Red Sox trying to slither into the playoffs as a wild card]. And what’s with all the ellipse?)

"Yes, I think we can wrap this up before the first posting at Churchill Downs . . . Why do you ask?"---left coast wayne (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Wayne also thought horse racing. But he didn’t stop there. Read on…)

"Ah, yes, that mythological creature, half-bride, half groom . . . didn't we exhaust this subject two weeks ago with the centaurs???"---left coast wayne (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Wayne since we apparently share a time zone let me give you some advice: sometimes the most obvious jokes are the funniest, but those times are very rare. Try and throw a little creativity into your entries and remember it’s not enough to write something and hit “publish.” Nuff said.)

"Ms. Aniston? Ms. Aniston, it's time to wake up."-- Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I believe this caption was inspired by Jennifer Aniston’s heartbreaking struggle with narcolepsy.)

“Love suffereth long . . . love is not puffed up . . . love doth not behave unseemly . . . love is not easily provoked . . .Jesus Christ, I don’t know what you two are up to, but I don’t think this is what St. Paul had in mind at all . . .”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: High-minded but dull and wrong-headed. By definition, love is puffed up, behaves unseemly and is easily provoked [especially after a few drinks]. Gets your facts straight buster.)

Wow, Jimmy Choos. Good call.—boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: For those who spend Sundays watching football this is obscure. I got it. I am comfortable with that.)

I now pronounce you husband and succubus.-- Konrad (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap is not funny but it is slightly creative. It references a supposedly fictional female demon who takes the form of a human woman to seduce men. It is among a flurry of last-minute caps unloaded by Konrad. There were some real clunkers--“monkey off your back,” “ready to rumble!”—and two presumably worse caps that were removed “by the author.” Also Kon is one of a handful of Anti-Capper who regularly include a photo with each entry. This means the contest this week included his little head shot seven times in succession. [With his graying beard and stern yet benevolent expression, it looked like a roll of stamps honoring Ulysses S. Grant. ]As I gazed upon on his dark, thoughtful eyes and slightly impish smile, I saw warmth mingled with a hint of vulnerability. I felt compelled to give him an honorable mention.)

"Odd that my blank book is matched by your vacant eyes. Almost as though the ghost of Harold Gray were hovering near." --Mort Drucker (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A nod to the creator of Little Orphan Annie who used blank circles for the urchin’s eyes. There also appears to be nothing written in the minister’s little book so Mort found something to work with, such as it is.)

(I can't believe I have to do this entire fucking service in sign language)

"W..." --Gary P (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Pretty good. Very creative. What the hell are you trying to say? Is it that the groom can not hear because his ears are blocked by the bride’s legs? If so, why would he know how to sign? If not, do we assume the bride is deaf because she can’t walk? I still say it’s creative.)

"If there is anyone present today who objects to this marriage for any reason, besides the fact that the bride is 12, please speak now or forever hold... Yes, I see a number of hands raised now..." --smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: According to this cap, they are objecting for reasons other than the bride’s age. That’s what gives it Anti-Cap cred.

"You're in my seat."-- holden_c(JUDGE’S COMMENT: An emerging perennial that fits many cartoons. This also suggests that the minister wants to climb aboard the groom and go for a ride or something. This is a predictable gambit but it has an understated quality that sets it apart from the myriad of gay priest gags.)

"Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly"-- Dylan Marcia Marcia Marcia (JUDGE’S COMMENT: From Dylan’s forgettable rhyme-fest, “You Ain’t Goin No Where.” As always I appreciate the effort even when it makes no sense.)

"Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of pride, ‘twas the bride
About my neck was hung."--Sammy T.C. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The origin of this is unknown but it’s too classy to be a limerick.)

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may sniff the bride. --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I include this only so boneguy can compare his entry to this week’s winner. I hope he is suitably humbled.)

"...psst... Did you hear that alinla doesn't know that a 'D.A.' means 'Duck Ass' hair style?" --Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yeah, you caught me. I thought District Attorney was a hair style. I also thought people who lack a sense of irony avoid blogs like this. Sometimes I am wrong. Not this time.)

Psst ... Did you hear that alinla couldn't connect Elvis Costello with a glasses-wearing duck?-- Cathy I (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Psst…maybe your cap just wasn’t any good or as Elvis might say “Don’t get cute!” If I knew the name of the song you were quoting, wouldn’t it stand to reason that I know Elvis wears Buddy Holly glasses? I hate to sound defensive, but gee-whizz give me some credit. Now I‘ll just go file my nails while they drag the lake…‘cause I don’t know how much more of this I can take.)


118 comments:

Satireguy said...

"You may now fellate the groom."

Anonymous said...

"You may now get the bride off."

Rob

JohnnyB said...

How do you get down from a groom?
You don't. You get down from last week's cartoon.

JohnnyB said...

Remember when you were an alter boy and I would ride you?

Anonymous said...

"Now try inserting a third finger. Christ, this is making me horny."

dwilk

smuck said...

"As a minister of the great state of West Virginia, I now pronounce you sister and brother, man and wife."

JohnnyB said...

Shut up, Bob. Everyone knows your wife is a clip-on.

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"That's O.K. It's good luck for the bride to step in dog shit."

Anonymous said...

Yup, every once in a while JohnnyB gets a hold of one......

Father Damian said...

"you know, this is actually my first WWE Smackdown wedding!"

Cindy said...

We'd be living happily ever after by now if Prince Douchebag here hadn't dropped my glass-fucking-slipper!

Spyridakis said...

Ancient scholars disagree on which caused Socrates more pain,Hemlock or Wedlock?

Eric G said...

No ma'am, that's not quite what I meant when I said the key to a happy marriage is giving your husband head.

Chang & Eng said...

"By the power vested in me by the ever-forward-thinking state of Massachusets, I now pronounce you the first, and hopefully last, married Siamese twins."

Eric G said...

Says here the G spot is a little farther up...

Anonymous said...

I now pronounce alinla and Kathy H. man and wife.

JohnnyB said...

The vowers here are obscene.

Anonymous said...

You're killing us, JohnnyB!!

Debbie Downer said...

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di...vorce her eventually because, unfortunately, it happens to nearly 50% of all married couples. Quite sad really."

Father Ted said...

"I swear that I'll waive my fee if you let me smell your neck"

Grandma said...

"...And, Bill, do you promise to torque your arm behind your back so your chicken-bone juts out and caresses your wife's box?"

G Taylor said...

"Dear, you forgot the cage."

Anonymous said...

"Go outside if you're gonna do that shit."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of pride, ‘twas the bride
About my neck was hung."

--Sammy T.C.

Steve_O said...

"Why don't you wait until after the ceremony to hold your chicken fight?"

Dylan Marcia Marcia Marcia said...

"Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly"

Dylan Marcia Marcia Marcia said...

"Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly"

JoJo Starbuck said...

"JD and McGaugh, for the love of God, please control yourselves!"

Anonymous said...

"Thank God you're not Adam and Steve."

Anonymous said...

“Ride him hard, my dear, but don’t put him away wet.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“As a symbol of your enduring love, are you now ready to exchange riding crops?”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Love suffereth long . . . love is not puffed up . . . love doth not behave unseemly . . . love is not easily provoked . . .Jesus Christ, I don’t know what you two are up to, but I don’t think this is what St. Paul had in mind at all . . .”

---blw

Anonymous said...

"Now, c'mon, I don't think you really want to carry a lot of past baggage into a marriage . . ."


---blw

M. Gibson said...

"Hmmm? Something about this cartoon must be Jewish enough to attack."

Anonymous said...

"Ms. Aniston? Ms. Aniston, it's time to wake up."

LR said...

"Sir, could you move your neck? I was really enjoying the echo."

Anonymous said...

The strength and balance of your leg stumps is incredible!

= Peggy

Father Guido said...

"So that's why it's called 'cervical spine'!"

Anonymous said...

Tim H said "I now pronounce you General Manager and Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations, and Field Manager of the New York Mets. You may kiss-off the next four seasons."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said "I now pronounce you General Manager and Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations, and Field Manager of the New York Mets. You may kiss-off the next four seasons."

Anonymous said...

I see she's already started fucking with your head.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Ah, yes, that mythological creature, half-bride, half groom . . . didn't we exhaust this subject two weeks ago with the centaurs???"

---left coast wayne

Austin in PA said...

Um, you're doing it wrong.

Anonymous said...

"Fistball inside."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Say, aren't you two in Secretariat?"

Anonymous said...

Do you really love her or is this just about a paraplegic sex fetish?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

How the Horsey Set Gets Hitched

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
boneguy said...

Wow, Jimmy Choos. Good call.

Utellme said...

"Atlas shrugged, Mr. Henderson."

Utellme said...

"'She ain't heavy, she's your brother.', did you say?"

Utellme said...

"So you thought the wheelchair might not 'go' with the rest of her ensemble? Perhaps you're right, but I can see her colostomy bag from this angle. I think she's trying to say 'I doo-doo.'"

Utellme said...

"If she's riding your back already, perhaps you'd prefer that I not continue."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ringo said...

For the benefit of Mr. Kite
there will be a show tonight
on trampoline

Jess said...

"Young lady, please dismount the groom and let him speak for himself."

Anonymous said...

"No under where? What?"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"...psst... Did you hear that alinla doesn't know that a 'D.A.' means 'Duck Ass' hair style?"

Anonymous said...

"Yes, I think we can wrap this up before the first posting at Churchill Downs . . . Why do you ask?"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Oh, God in Heaven, bless this union . . . may the groom’s ankles be strong enough to carry any weight and not snap asunder from the burden . . . otherwise, dear Lord, we’ll just have to shoot him . . .”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Tell me, my dear children, what do you want . . . what do we all want . . . from this blessed union? . . . Win? Place? Show?”


---left coast wayne

bwuddy Glover said...

"And, Oksana, you parasitic money-grubbing little tramp, do you take Mel, the misogynistic, anti-semitic, Irish-Aussie lush to be your certifiably-crazy, baby-daddy cash-cow?"

Mort Drucker said...

"Once again, I apologize for the lack of wheelchair access to the pulpit and for my snarky tone when I said 'in sickness and in health.' Oh crap, I did it again."

Mort Drucker said...

"....for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore....
Hey... what the-? Do I smell absinthe on you two?"

Mort Drucker said...

"I know porn-nounce you horny bitch and poorly drawn man."

Richard H said...

"And do you, Bob, acknowledge that in the vows you allowed Jenny to write, she is indeed serious that if you are ever unfaithful she does intend, as she is now playfully demonstrating, to break your fucking neck?"

Anonymous said...

"I must confess Joe, having known you since childhood, that I always thought that the eight-inch protrusion on the back of your neck would make it difficult for you to find a nice girl like Sally."

Grandma said...

"No problem; a little spritz of K2r will lift the snail track right off of your rental tux."

Anonymous said...

"Exactly! That way when you're in the stall together, they only see one pair of legs."

Satireguy said...

"I thought we agreed that you'd bring your wheelchair."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

Catherine the Great: The Early Years

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

Catherine the Great: The Early Years

Anonymous said...

“Of course I can butt fuck her. I’m a priest.”

Rob

Anonymous said...

"Do you, Tom, take this humpback whale to be ..."

Ben T.

Anonymous said...

“Two going into one equals a half hour each. Do the math, buddy.”

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Psst ... Did you hear that alinla couldn't connect Elvis Costello with a glasses-wearing duck?

- Cathy I

boneguy said...

Let's see...5 minutes to draw the cartoon, $500 paid by the New Yorker...Christ, that prorates to $6000/hr!

JohnnyB said...

JUst wiggle around a bit, dear, and release the suction. Then you get get down here and stand next to him.

Anonymous said...

"Now just get off your high horse, little Miss Attitude . . . you don't enter the blessed state of matrimony without both feet firmly planted on the ground . . . and you wipe that smirk off your face right now, Mr. Guess-Where-My-Head-Has-Been-All-Morning."

---blw

holden_c said...

"You're in my seat."

Anonymous said...

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. And you two certainly should be institutionalized."

Anonymous said...

The powers vested in me are obscene.

Anonymous said...

This is highly unusual. What are the surfboards for?

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"Jason, I need to see your hands. Where are your hands?"

Anonymous said...

How apropos; a bridle bouquet.

Jim Cavanaugh

Utellme said...

"Just lean your head to the right Mr. Kildare, whilst I insert just these three fingers to check for chastity, elasticity, and profundity."

Jess said...

"Oh my! I've been reading from the karma sutra!'

boneguy said...

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may sniff the bride.

James said...

Deuteronomy 25:11 says "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts,..."

James said...

Whoops! Deuteronomy 25:12 continues,

"...you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."

Anonymous said...

"It's here COMES the bride, pal."

Rob

Anonymous said...

"As the husband-to-be, you are here willingly today, prepared to be saddled with a mate, to rein in those youthful desires; you have sown your oats and are now ready to be spurred to those happy trails of wedded bliss . . . and you, my little sweetheart of the rodeo . . . you must never hesitate to use the whip . . ."


---left coast wayne

Jess said...

"Kids? I did not say "I'll do the sermon, you go on and mount." I said 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

Anonymous said...

You're in for a big let-down.

Jim Cavanaugh

LV said...

"Tilt the head back to establish a proper airway, then proceed to stifle the life out of him for several years."

Steve_O said...

"I've married gays and I've married straights. I've married a bigamist and a polygamist. Hell, I even once married a dog and a monkey. But I've never before married a man and his transgendered Siamese twin."

Grandma said...

"Your bride reminds me of an altar boy I used to know who'd have done anything not to have to blow me again."

cta said...

"Well, Miss, I guess this makes sense --I heard he's hung like a horse."

cta said...

"Ah, legalities. I see there is a rider in your pre-nup..."

Gary P said...

(I can't believe I have to do this entire fucking service in sign language)

"W..."

smuck said...

"If there is anyone present today who objects to this marriage for any reason, besides the fact that the bride is 12, please speak now or forever hold... Yes, I see a number of hands raised now..."

Mort Drucker said...

"Did you not hear me pronounce you man and wife? Are we going to stand here until the batteries in her vibrator die? "

Mort Drucker said...

"Odd that my blank book is matched by your vacant eyes. Almost as the ghost of Harold Gray were hovering near."

Mort Drucker said...

"Odd that my blank book is matched by your vacant eyes. Almost as though the ghost of Harold Gray were hovering near."



(ahem: correction)

Jess said...

From the new adult video "Bride Whores" starring Kate Getsome and "Oral Annie" Thataway.

Anonymous said...

"Get down from there before you break his neck."

dwilk

 Konrad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
 Konrad said...

On your mark, get set, GO!

 Konrad said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die the slow, horrible death that is marriage.

 Konrad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
 Konrad said...

I now pronounce you husband and succubus.

NAMBY said...

"Relax my son. All our new priests are subjected to this test to assure they are not gay. I will now personally check to make certain she has given you a massive, beautiful, rock-hard erection."

 Konrad said...

Let's get ready to rumble!

 Konrad said...

Glad to see you finally got that monkey off your back, but I'm not sure this is an improvement.

VanDeuser said...

you haven't gotten this much action since we put Jaydeeyo to sleep

JohnnyB said...

Al, you "hate to sound defensive" but you do and, given the comments you make about some of the caps, I think you need to be able to take what you dish out.
Also, the contest is (still, I presume,) meant to be about the "worst possible caption". Your choice this week is merely the most mediocre example of one of the categories you described, not really a "worst". I think Cavanaugh's "bridle bouquet" is too good, but the "fucking with your head" is a much better worst than what you picked.

 Konrad said...

Wow, a pity prize! I am so honored. Thanks...?

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.