As always, insensitive, stupid and ludicrous caps are encouraged. But cap carefully and please try to avoid lame, obvious entries that have no value. Also please post no more than FIVE caps each week and keep them to 25 words or less. I also want to ask that you stay away from posting under “anonymous.” At least make up an interesting name. Since all of this is on the honor system I am sure these requests will be widely ignored or perhaps ridiculed. --al in la
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"You may now get the bride off."--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This seems like something Bevis would say to Butthead, but it goes much deeper. Also, far from being just another insensitive sexist cap, this is decidedly pro-babe. It tells us that the man's first husbandly obligation is to satisfy his new wife. It also suggests that she held back on sex to leverage the deal; a very shrewd and increasingly rare negotiating ploy. So Rob wins this week with a kinky yet romantic cap that speaks to the empowerment of women. Of course, there’s always the chance that she simply attached herself to this guy like a tick on a deer until this poor slob spit out an “I do.” Either way, this is a terrific double entendre. Nice one Rob, you nailed this bitch.)
SECOND PLACE
Shut up, Bob. Everyone knows your wife is a clip-on.-- JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Like an aging veteran who comes off the bench on aching knees to smack a clutch single in the late innings, Johnny has made perfect use of an Anti-Cap classic. When a star player goes through the type of awful slump he’s been having, it’s great to see him go back to basics and find his grove—even if just for one at bat. Yes, it would have been a double if he hustled; and of course we’ll need to send in a pinch runner, but it’s a promising development.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Yup, every once in a while JohnnyB gets a hold of one...... –Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Entered shortly after Johnny’s cap, this quotes something I wrote about Johnny months ago. This means three things: Baseball references never get old, my humor is
How apropos; a bridle bouquet. --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Mrs. alinla liked this one. She believes “bridle” is funny because the woman is riding him like he's a horse. If it’s consensual, I have no problem with the type of thing.)
"And do you, Bob, acknowledge that in the vows you allowed Jenny to write, she is indeed serious that if you are ever unfaithful she does intend, as she is now playfully demonstrating, to break your fucking neck?" --Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I hope they signed a pre-nup because this marriage is doomed. Dear Abby would have told her not to marry a man she does not trust. Still, Richard went down the block and back to make a joke. I think we should all smile politely.)
"I've married gays and I've married straights. I've married a bigamist and a polygamist. Hell, I even once married a dog and a monkey. But I've never before married a man and his transgendered Siamese twin." --Steve_O (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap is dumb and far too long. I can understand a minister uniting a dog and a monkey in wedlock, but would he really say 'hell?’ It would have been slightly more funny without the first part. “Conjoined twins” is the more accepted term but if you use it no one knows what you mean.)
"By the power vested in me by the ever-forward-thinking state of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you the first, and hopefully last, married Siamese twins."-- Chang & Eng (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not even slightly funny but similar in its ham-fisted intolerance. Like the preceding cap, this apparently is a dig at Gay marriage. It’s the slippery slope argument favored by Fox News: If gays can be wed, what’s to stop, say, plankton from marrying protozoa? Well? Answer me!)
"Tilt the head back to establish a proper airway, then proceed to stifle the life out of him for several years."-- LV (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Interestingly LV evokes a life saving procedure to fashion this sad and bitter cap. We all know someone just like LV. Sometimes a hug is as good as a Heimlich)
I see she's already started fucking with your head.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: More playful than LV’s cap but Jim also hints at his sense of loss and betrayal. Tell us JC: Did she make you cry? Make you break down? Shatter your illusions of love?)
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di...vorce her eventually because, unfortunately, it happens to nearly 50% of all married couples. Quite sad really."-- Debbie Downer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I appreciate your use of a cherished classic cap. Still, if you wanted to get statistical you should have gone with this: “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die 10 years later than a man who has never married.” Admittedly that would have been less edgy. )
"I know porn-nounce you horny bitch and poorly drawn man." --Mort Drucker (JUDGE’S COMMENT: To bad to ignore. One of the worst I’ve ever seen [and this is a tough league.])
"And, Oksana, you parasitic money-grubbing little tramp, do you take Mel, the misogynistic, anti-semitic, Irish-Aussie lush to be your certifiably-crazy, baby-daddy cash-cow?"-- bwuddy Glover (JUDGE’S COMMENT: If their vows were this precise and candid they would still have exchanged “I dos.” If we can all agree Mel has a few issues can we also agree he is not worth the trouble?)
"As the husband-to-be, you are here willingly today, prepared to be saddled with a mate, to rein in those youthful desires; you have sown your oats and are now ready to be spurred to those happy trails of wedded bliss . . . and you, my little sweetheart of the rodeo . . . you must never hesitate to use the whip . . ." --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: With its brutal honesty, stupid puns and a nod to S&M, it’s hard not to like this cap. Maybe some details on other things she “must never hesitate to use” would have been nice.)
“Tell me, my dear children, what do you want . . . what do we all want . . . from this blessed union? . . . Win? Place? Show?--”--Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is slightly appropriate since she is riding him as a jockey would. Sadly it’s also illogical: no one aspires for 2nd or 3rd place, [unless it’s the Red Sox trying to slither into the playoffs as a wild card]. And what’s with all the ellipse?)
"Yes, I think we can wrap this up before the first posting at Churchill Downs . . . Why do you ask?"---left coast wayne (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Wayne also thought horse racing. But he didn’t stop there. Read on…)
"Ah, yes, that mythological creature, half-bride, half groom . . . didn't we exhaust this subject two weeks ago with the centaurs???"---left coast wayne (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Wayne since we apparently share a time zone let me give you some advice: sometimes the most obvious jokes are the funniest, but those times are very rare. Try and throw a little creativity into your entries and remember it’s not enough to write something and hit “publish.” Nuff said.)
"Ms. Aniston? Ms. Aniston, it's time to wake up."-- Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I believe this caption was inspired by Jennifer Aniston’s heartbreaking struggle with narcolepsy.)
“Love suffereth long . . . love is not puffed up . . . love doth not behave unseemly . . . love is not easily provoked . . .Jesus Christ, I don’t know what you two are up to, but I don’t think this is what St. Paul had in mind at all . . .”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: High-minded but dull and wrong-headed. By definition, love is puffed up, behaves unseemly and is easily provoked [especially after a few drinks]. Gets your facts straight buster.)
Wow, Jimmy Choos. Good call.—boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: For those who spend Sundays watching football this is obscure. I got it. I am comfortable with that.)
I now pronounce you husband and succubus.-- Konrad (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap is not funny but it is slightly creative. It references a supposedly fictional female demon who takes the form of a human woman to seduce men. It is among a flurry of last-minute caps unloaded by Konrad. There were some real clunkers--“monkey off your back,” “ready to rumble!”—and two presumably worse caps that were removed “by the author.” Also Kon is one of a handful of Anti-Capper who regularly include a photo with each entry. This means the contest this week included his little head shot seven times in succession. [With his graying beard and stern yet benevolent expression, it looked like a roll of stamps honoring Ulysses S. Grant. ]As I gazed upon on his dark, thoughtful eyes and slightly impish smile, I saw warmth mingled with a hint of vulnerability. I felt compelled to give him an honorable mention.)
"Odd that my blank book is matched by your vacant eyes. Almost as though the ghost of Harold Gray were hovering near." --Mort Drucker (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A nod to the creator of Little Orphan Annie who used blank circles for the urchin’s eyes. There also appears to be nothing written in the minister’s little book so Mort found something to work with, such as it is.)
(I can't believe I have to do this entire fucking service in sign language)
"W..." --Gary P (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Pretty good. Very creative. What the hell are you trying to say? Is it that the groom can not hear because his ears are blocked by the bride’s legs? If so, why would he know how to sign? If not, do we assume the bride is deaf because she can’t walk? I still say it’s creative.)
"If there is anyone present today who objects to this marriage for any reason, besides the fact that the bride is 12, please speak now or forever hold... Yes, I see a number of hands raised now..." --smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: According to this cap, they are objecting for reasons other than the bride’s age. That’s what gives it Anti-Cap cred.
"You're in my seat."-- holden_c(JUDGE’S COMMENT: An emerging perennial that fits many cartoons. This also suggests that the minister wants to climb aboard the groom and go for a ride or something. This is a predictable gambit but it has an understated quality that sets it apart from the myriad of gay priest gags.)
"Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly"-- Dylan Marcia Marcia Marcia (JUDGE’S COMMENT: From Dylan’s forgettable rhyme-fest, “You Ain’t Goin No Where.” As always I appreciate the effort even when it makes no sense.)
"Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of pride, ‘twas the bride
About my neck was hung."--Sammy T.C. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The origin of this is unknown but it’s too classy to be a limerick.)
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may sniff the bride. --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I include this only so boneguy can compare his entry to this week’s winner. I hope he is suitably humbled.)
"...psst... Did you hear that alinla doesn't know that a 'D.A.' means 'Duck Ass' hair style?" --Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yeah, you caught me. I thought District Attorney was a hair style. I also thought people who lack a sense of irony avoid blogs like this. Sometimes I am wrong. Not this time.)
Psst ... Did you hear that alinla couldn't connect Elvis Costello with a glasses-wearing duck?-- Cathy I (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Psst…maybe your cap just wasn’t any good or as Elvis might say “Don’t get cute!” If I knew the name of the song you were quoting, wouldn’t it stand to reason that I know Elvis wears Buddy Holly glasses? I hate to sound defensive, but gee-whizz give me some credit. Now I‘ll just go file my nails while they drag the lake…‘cause I don’t know how much more of this I can take.)
113 comments:
"You may now fellate the groom."
"You may now get the bride off."
Rob
How do you get down from a groom?
You don't. You get down from last week's cartoon.
Remember when you were an alter boy and I would ride you?
"Now try inserting a third finger. Christ, this is making me horny."
dwilk
"As a minister of the great state of West Virginia, I now pronounce you sister and brother, man and wife."
Kathy H said...
"That's O.K. It's good luck for the bride to step in dog shit."
Yup, every once in a while JohnnyB gets a hold of one......
"you know, this is actually my first WWE Smackdown wedding!"
Ancient scholars disagree on which caused Socrates more pain,Hemlock or Wedlock?
No ma'am, that's not quite what I meant when I said the key to a happy marriage is giving your husband head.
"By the power vested in me by the ever-forward-thinking state of Massachusets, I now pronounce you the first, and hopefully last, married Siamese twins."
Says here the G spot is a little farther up...
I now pronounce alinla and Kathy H. man and wife.
The vowers here are obscene.
You're killing us, JohnnyB!!
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di...vorce her eventually because, unfortunately, it happens to nearly 50% of all married couples. Quite sad really."
"I swear that I'll waive my fee if you let me smell your neck"
"...And, Bill, do you promise to torque your arm behind your back so your chicken-bone juts out and caresses your wife's box?"
"Dear, you forgot the cage."
"Go outside if you're gonna do that shit."
dwilk
"Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of pride, ‘twas the bride
About my neck was hung."
--Sammy T.C.
"Why don't you wait until after the ceremony to hold your chicken fight?"
"Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly"
"Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly"
"JD and McGaugh, for the love of God, please control yourselves!"
"Thank God you're not Adam and Steve."
“Ride him hard, my dear, but don’t put him away wet.”
---blw
“As a symbol of your enduring love, are you now ready to exchange riding crops?”
---blw
“Love suffereth long . . . love is not puffed up . . . love doth not behave unseemly . . . love is not easily provoked . . .Jesus Christ, I don’t know what you two are up to, but I don’t think this is what St. Paul had in mind at all . . .”
---blw
"Now, c'mon, I don't think you really want to carry a lot of past baggage into a marriage . . ."
---blw
"Hmmm? Something about this cartoon must be Jewish enough to attack."
"Ms. Aniston? Ms. Aniston, it's time to wake up."
"Sir, could you move your neck? I was really enjoying the echo."
The strength and balance of your leg stumps is incredible!
= Peggy
"So that's why it's called 'cervical spine'!"
Tim H said "I now pronounce you General Manager and Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations, and Field Manager of the New York Mets. You may kiss-off the next four seasons."
Tim H said "I now pronounce you General Manager and Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations, and Field Manager of the New York Mets. You may kiss-off the next four seasons."
"Ah, yes, that mythological creature, half-bride, half groom . . . didn't we exhaust this subject two weeks ago with the centaurs???"
---left coast wayne
Um, you're doing it wrong.
"Fistball inside."
Rob
Kathy H said...
"Say, aren't you two in Secretariat?"
Do you really love her or is this just about a paraplegic sex fetish?
Jim Cavanaugh
Tim H said...
How the Horsey Set Gets Hitched
Wow, Jimmy Choos. Good call.
"Atlas shrugged, Mr. Henderson."
"'She ain't heavy, she's your brother.', did you say?"
"So you thought the wheelchair might not 'go' with the rest of her ensemble? Perhaps you're right, but I can see her colostomy bag from this angle. I think she's trying to say 'I doo-doo.'"
"If she's riding your back already, perhaps you'd prefer that I not continue."
For the benefit of Mr. Kite
there will be a show tonight
on trampoline
"Young lady, please dismount the groom and let him speak for himself."
"No under where? What?"
dwilk
Kathy H said...
"...psst... Did you hear that alinla doesn't know that a 'D.A.' means 'Duck Ass' hair style?"
"Yes, I think we can wrap this up before the first posting at Churchill Downs . . . Why do you ask?"
---left coast wayne
“Oh, God in Heaven, bless this union . . . may the groom’s ankles be strong enough to carry any weight and not snap asunder from the burden . . . otherwise, dear Lord, we’ll just have to shoot him . . .”
---left coast wayne
“Tell me, my dear children, what do you want . . . what do we all want . . . from this blessed union? . . . Win? Place? Show?”
---left coast wayne
"And, Oksana, you parasitic money-grubbing little tramp, do you take Mel, the misogynistic, anti-semitic, Irish-Aussie lush to be your certifiably-crazy, baby-daddy cash-cow?"
"Once again, I apologize for the lack of wheelchair access to the pulpit and for my snarky tone when I said 'in sickness and in health.' Oh crap, I did it again."
"....for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore....
Hey... what the-? Do I smell absinthe on you two?"
"And do you, Bob, acknowledge that in the vows you allowed Jenny to write, she is indeed serious that if you are ever unfaithful she does intend, as she is now playfully demonstrating, to break your fucking neck?"
"I must confess Joe, having known you since childhood, that I always thought that the eight-inch protrusion on the back of your neck would make it difficult for you to find a nice girl like Sally."
"No problem; a little spritz of K2r will lift the snail track right off of your rental tux."
"Exactly! That way when you're in the stall together, they only see one pair of legs."
"I thought we agreed that you'd bring your wheelchair."
Tim H said...
Catherine the Great: The Early Years
Tim H said...
Catherine the Great: The Early Years
"Do you, Tom, take this humpback whale to be ..."
Ben T.
“Two going into one equals a half hour each. Do the math, buddy.”
dwilk
Psst ... Did you hear that alinla couldn't connect Elvis Costello with a glasses-wearing duck?
- Cathy I
Let's see...5 minutes to draw the cartoon, $500 paid by the New Yorker...Christ, that prorates to $6000/hr!
JUst wiggle around a bit, dear, and release the suction. Then you get get down here and stand next to him.
"Now just get off your high horse, little Miss Attitude . . . you don't enter the blessed state of matrimony without both feet firmly planted on the ground . . . and you wipe that smirk off your face right now, Mr. Guess-Where-My-Head-Has-Been-All-Morning."
---blw
"You're in my seat."
"How many fingers am I holding up?"
Kathy H said...
"Marriage is a wonderful institution. And you two certainly should be institutionalized."
The powers vested in me are obscene.
This is highly unusual. What are the surfboards for?
Jim Cavanaugh
"Jason, I need to see your hands. Where are your hands?"
How apropos; a bridle bouquet.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Just lean your head to the right Mr. Kildare, whilst I insert just these three fingers to check for chastity, elasticity, and profundity."
"Oh my! I've been reading from the karma sutra!'
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may sniff the bride.
Deuteronomy 25:11 says "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts,..."
Whoops! Deuteronomy 25:12 continues,
"...you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."
"It's here COMES the bride, pal."
Rob
"As the husband-to-be, you are here willingly today, prepared to be saddled with a mate, to rein in those youthful desires; you have sown your oats and are now ready to be spurred to those happy trails of wedded bliss . . . and you, my little sweetheart of the rodeo . . . you must never hesitate to use the whip . . ."
---left coast wayne
"Kids? I did not say "I'll do the sermon, you go on and mount." I said 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"
You're in for a big let-down.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Tilt the head back to establish a proper airway, then proceed to stifle the life out of him for several years."
"I've married gays and I've married straights. I've married a bigamist and a polygamist. Hell, I even once married a dog and a monkey. But I've never before married a man and his transgendered Siamese twin."
"Your bride reminds me of an altar boy I used to know who'd have done anything not to have to blow me again."
"Well, Miss, I guess this makes sense --I heard he's hung like a horse."
"Ah, legalities. I see there is a rider in your pre-nup..."
(I can't believe I have to do this entire fucking service in sign language)
"W..."
"If there is anyone present today who objects to this marriage for any reason, besides the fact that the bride is 12, please speak now or forever hold... Yes, I see a number of hands raised now..."
"Did you not hear me pronounce you man and wife? Are we going to stand here until the batteries in her vibrator die? "
"Odd that my blank book is matched by your vacant eyes. Almost as the ghost of Harold Gray were hovering near."
"Odd that my blank book is matched by your vacant eyes. Almost as though the ghost of Harold Gray were hovering near."
(ahem: correction)
From the new adult video "Bride Whores" starring Kate Getsome and "Oral Annie" Thataway.
"Get down from there before you break his neck."
dwilk
On your mark, get set, GO!
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die the slow, horrible death that is marriage.
I now pronounce you husband and succubus.
"Relax my son. All our new priests are subjected to this test to assure they are not gay. I will now personally check to make certain she has given you a massive, beautiful, rock-hard erection."
Let's get ready to rumble!
Glad to see you finally got that monkey off your back, but I'm not sure this is an improvement.
you haven't gotten this much action since we put Jaydeeyo to sleep
Al, you "hate to sound defensive" but you do and, given the comments you make about some of the caps, I think you need to be able to take what you dish out.
Also, the contest is (still, I presume,) meant to be about the "worst possible caption". Your choice this week is merely the most mediocre example of one of the categories you described, not really a "worst". I think Cavanaugh's "bridle bouquet" is too good, but the "fucking with your head" is a much better worst than what you picked.
Wow, a pity prize! I am so honored. Thanks...?
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