Monday, October 11, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #259

NOTE: There simply wasn’t much to work with here. It’s just two bland guys sitting in a nondescript car that appears to be stuck in traffic. So? Maybe if it was a dog and a cat, or a hooker and a john, or if one of the guys was a fireman, a terrorist or an astronaut or something—that might have been fodder for mirth. This is just a lazy-ass cartoon.
Anti-Cappers gave it their all (such as it is) but, sadly, bland ruled the day. There was no laugh out loud breakthrough winners and despite a few laudable fart jokes, nothing was particularly intelligent or topical. Even so, I was impressed to see that the number of caps exceeded 140. That, I believe is an all-time high for a one week contest on this blog. I appreciate the level of interest even if the level of wit was not especially stirring. Here, then, are the winners. --al in la

WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"Do you ever get the feeling you're trapped in a metaphor?”-- philomania (JUDGE’S COMMENT: “Stuck” would have been a much better word than “trapped” but this is poignant without being preachy; obvious, but not embarrassingly so. It also struck a cord. Some time ago the cap contest featured a cartoon that had two stone age men examining a huge handgun lying on the ground. My cap at the time was this: “Careful! It might be a metaphor .” I only got a lame-ass 2nd place from the previous judge. So this entry sort of reminded me of me in my youth. It also helps settle an old score. No, it’s not funny but for an off week [humor-wise] it will have to do..)

SECOND PLACE
Bill and Pete have second thoughts about attending Carstock-- Satireguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not bad, but why not “Bill and Ted?” That way you have the time travel angle coupled with a pop culture reference. Realistically, anyone attending an event with a name like “Carstock” should know what they’re getting themselves into. Kind of like "naked Twister.")


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"We'd have been better off staying home for the apocalypse."-- D. Downer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: In it’s own way, this is very perceptive. When the ultimate calamity strikes the roads will be instantly clogged, stores will hike prices and anarchy will prevail. That’s just the way we humans roll.)

Harold and Kumar go to Logan Airport. –smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: One of several caps that tried to explain why these two mugs are in a traffic jam. In many places snarled traffic only happens when there is a major mishap. Those places are not L.A. )

Woo hoo, street racing on the Santa Monica Freeway during freakin' rush hour. Got any other brilliant ideas, Mario?-- Konrad (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another attempt to put the drivers some place specific. I don’t think it counts as street racing if you are moving slower than a little girl could ride her bike. Mario endures as the classic race driver name.Konrad's effort has not gone unnoticed at Anti-Cap HQ)

"Next time you get free tickets to a Browns game stick them up your ass."--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The image of Browns tickets being inserted into an ass may give us a certain poetic symmetry, but it also makes this cap needlessly gross. [“Packers ” may have been slightly better.] Also, given the price of football tickets most fans would sit in traffic for a free-be even if it’s a shitty team [pun intended].)

Fucking traffic. I'm going to miss the play-offs. You know; like the Mets.--Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: There is a big difference between missing a game because there was a bender on the Van Wyck, and missing it because your team sucks monkey balls. I am also flagging this for poor grammar, improper use of a semi colon and failure to recognize that "playoffs" is one word. Fifteen-yard penalty and a loss of down. [As you can see, it's football season here.] Nuff said. )

I was in traffic like this once before. It was a twenty-one car pile-up where nine people died and another seventeen were horribly maimed. It would be such a bummer if that were happening again. --Dee Prest (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually in L.A. the opposite is true. If traffic suddenly slows to a crawl, people here will say things like: “Hopefully it’s just an accident.” )

"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you."-- S. Wheel (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Maybe it was an omen: Mrs. al in la and I went out for pizza Saturday night. When we got in the car, this old song from Stealers Wheel was playing on the radio. For the record, I was driving so she was to my right and I was to her left. No one was in the middle. Thanks to "Reservoir Dogs" I can not hear this song with out thinking of someone being doused with gasoline.)

You said you 'n' me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin', look out 'cause my hair is comin' down! --JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Johnny uses a photo of himself wearing a baseball cap so we have no way of knowing if there are flowing locks bundled up undernearth. This, I believe, is from “Thelma & Louise,” a road movie about two women who have no sense of direction.)

This reminds me; John Barleycorn must die. --JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: As everyone who went to high school in the '70's knows, this is an album from the band Traffic. How this is funny only Johnny knows. If it makes him happy I'm so glad. I'm so glad. I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad.)

Watching 'Cars' in a drive in theater. What could be cooler than that, huh Dad? --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Okay, so this is another movie reference. To answer the lad’s question: A witty and provocative cap would have been way cooler. )

En route to the Delta house, D-Day and Flounder get stuck in traffic on the way back from a beer run. --Blu_Tarski
(JUDGE’S COMMENT: Okay. I think we can agree the two guys in the car look like they could be playing those two “Animal House” roles so this is not terrible, just pointless. )

"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."--Mike (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A classic line from GF I. Still, I always wondered why Clemenza also left the car behind. Just tell Paulie to get out, shoot him and then drive away. This way you keep the cannoli AND the car. I am not even in the Mafia and I know that.)

"The tires here are unseen." ---Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A modest variation on a timeless classic. And no, you really can't see the tires.)

"Fittipaldi, you crazy bastard. How are you?!" Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another classic. I believe Brazilian racing legend Emerson Fittipaldi gained lasting fame because he has a cool name. Nothing wrong with that.)

"Fittipaldi, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you gonna stand racing NASCAR?" --LV
(JUDGE’S COMMENT: Three days after Tim’s cap we get this confusing entry. Apart from the redundancy, it is bogus. Even casual fans know Fittapaldi never competed in NASCAR. )

"I ate a couple of burritos. Do you mind?"--smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This has two anti-cap staples: Respect for tradition and jokes tied to a bodily function. It builds on the classic cap “I brought a couple of midgets. Do you mind?” It also reminds us that there is no polite way to fart. )

Sorry. Had a breakfast burrito. --Mark Rypien (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Similar in approach but not nearly as classy as the previous cap. )

"C'mon, grandma! You gonna count out every fucking penny and nickel you've got?"--Rob
(JUDGE’S COMMENT: While driving with my 80-year old dad in Florida one day, a stop light turned green but the car in front of us didn’t budge. After a second or two my father hit the horn and snarled “C’mon grandpa! Green means go!” This reminded me of that moment. Thanks Rob. )

"Hey, hows about revisiting Highway 61?" --Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Best ever modernization of a biblical verse: “God said to Abraham Kill me a son, Abe said man you must be putting me on…” )

Seems a few people back in Newport didn't appreciate you "going electric." --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: One day I will summon the will to ignore dumb caps whose only selling point is a Dylan reference. Today’s not that day.)

"Oh, mama, can this really be the end? To be stuck inside a Mazda with the Memphis blues again."---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Better that the last Dylan-related cap, but only a little bit. )

Oh gee Wally! I know she was just our TV mom and all.. but did you really have to tell me you hit that on the way to her funeral?-- Da Beav (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap belittles the memory of actress Barbara Billingsley, who passed away a few days ago at age 94. It's topical but rude and disrespectful without a humorous payoff. On “Leave it to Beaver,” she was June Cleaver, the loving yet stern mom of Beaver and Wally. Occasionally she would gently scold her husband, Ward, telling him he had been “a little rough on the Beaver last night.” She may have been the original MILF. Gone but not withdrawn from countless spank-banks. RIP, Babs.)

You know, being stuck here in traffic is almost as boring as being at a baseball game.--al in la la land
(JUDGE’S COMMENT: I remember a substitute teacher in high school once saying that only fools know boredom. If baseball is boring than so is sitting all day on a beautiful beach. Sometimes boring is exactly the point. )

I swear, after we take out al in la, I'm never coming back to friggin' Los Assho-les. --Konrad (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap could be called "The Wrath of Konrad." This is what I get for suggesting that “Kon Man” looks like Grant [and I meant Ulysses not Lou, so it's not even that insulting]. I choose to assume by “take out” he means he picks me up, we bowl a few frames and then have a burger and a few beers. To ensure it's not gay, we endlessly ask each other knowing questions like "Betty or Veronica?" "Ginger or Maryann?" "Condalisa or Hillary?" Just say when, Kon, and we're there.)


149 comments:

Kathy H said...

"Traffic, huh."

Anonymous said...

"Once we get out of this parking lot, it'll be clear sailing on the PCH."

Tim H said...

[...oops, I forgot to sign: "Tim H"]

"Once we get out of this parking lot, it'll be clear sailing on the PCH."

Kathy H said...

"How the hell did you get this car to smile?"

Richard H said...

"Isn't it great how this new Mercedes does all the driving for you, what with you being blind and all?"

B. Stiff said...

"Handjob?"

JohnnyB said...

..then she jumped up on my shoulders and we did the vows like that. We probably shouldn't have been drinking all day before the ceremony.

JohnnyB said...

You said you 'n' me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin', look out 'cause my hair is comin' down!

boneguy said...

Watching 'Cars' in a drive in theater. What could be cooler than that, huh Dad?

Tim H said...

"Are we there yet?"

Kathy H said...

"The tires here are unseen."

Tim H said...

"Fittipaldi, you crazy bastard. How are you?!"

holden_c said...

"Just pull over next to that synagogue and let me out, Mel. Mel? MEL!"

Satireguy said...

Bill and Pete have second thoughts about attending Carstock

Parker Poser said...

"Z-Bone, sounds like you gots some junk in yo trunk."

D. Downer said...

"We'd have been better off staying home for the apocalypse."

JohnnyB said...

This reminds me; John Barleycorn must die.

A_Dolph said...

"Slug Bug."

holden_c said...

"Thanks for letting me use your car last night, Mr. Banky."

Grandma said...

"Probably not the best time to mention it, but I've been having sex with your wife."

Kathy H said...

"Hey, hows about revisting Highway 61?"

Anonymous said...

The miles per hour here are obscene.

Jim Cavanaugh

Gary P. said...

"Frankie, you do know there ain't no drive-in movie theaters left in Jersey. Hey, just sayin', so don't take it the wrong way."

Anonymous said...

"Well, I guess this is as close to 'black people' as the New Yorker is ever going to get."

Aaron

Skivvies Caliente said...

"You either turned on my seat warmer or I just peepeed."

Mort Drucker said...

"I see you have a GPS."

Ron Obvious said...

Ever since Kramer adopted this mile of highway, it seems the lanes have become much narrower.

Cody, my 2-month-old said...

You're in my seat.

James Bill said...

As you're a Mets fan, that just sounds like sour grapes.

Jason Whitlock said...

I think Favre absolutely did it. What do you think?

Farrar Straus said...

Tomorrow we're listening to my audio book of FREEDOM. I'm two chapters behind the Oprah club as it is.

Umberto Eco-Terrorist said...

Mind if I turn up the A/C a little?

Bobby Bland said...

Took the wife to see SECRETARIAT. How about you?

Carpool Carl said...

First thing she says is "I'm not a witch." Can you believe that?

Mark Rypien said...

Sorry. Had a breakfast burrito.

Bob From Accounting said...

Could you just give him an interview? As a favor to me? His name's Dan Radosh.

 Konrad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vincent said...

He gave a foot massage to Marcellus Wallace's wife.

Anonymous said...

"I feel like saabing."

Satireguy said...

"No, I don't like to wear a seat belt either. Why do you ask?"

Utellme said...

"In dreams, there's only you, me, and the road."

Utellme said...

"Slow down!! Just kidding."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cody's Uncle said...

"Thank God you got rid of the carseat. I was really tired of that asshole kid of yours mimicking me."

David D. said...

"Why no, I HAVEN'T ever been stabbed repeatedly in the chest and groin area by my driver while stuck in traffic. Why do you ask?"

David D. said...

"Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!"

Jess said...

"I notice you have no mouth. I like that in a traveling companion...[two hours later]...I feel like I'm sitting here with a fucking zombie. Don't you have anything to say?!?"

Anonymous said...

"Hang a left at the next apocalypse."

dwilk

col. Potter said...

"Yeah John Candy I get that a lot. But you look like that southern guy on 'Hill Street Blues' "

Tim H said...

"Vrooom, vroooooom.....!"

boneguy said...

Mark Zuckerberg is getting all the pussy and we, my twin brother, are stuck in traffic.

Eric G said...

Seems a few people back in Newport didn't appreciate you "going electric."

Eric G said...

This is fucking great. You spend 70 days stuck in a mine and now this.

S. Wheel said...

"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you."

Vincent said...

Royale with cheese.

Kathy H said...

"Look out! Graffito! 11 o'clock!"

Isaac said...

"I know, Harlan, you have no mouth and you must scream."

DebDow II said...

"Wow! One traffic jam and you miss the birth of your son AND the death of your Grandma. What are the chances? Are you sad?"

Ruggles said...

"The evacuation still proceeds, but it's all theatre."

Untucker 264 said...

"I know we're hardly moving, but I'm getting a bus-boner.

Mort Drucker said...

"On the Road. Now that was a great book. Hey, how about if I'm Keroauc and you're Moriarty? Hey Dean, you look a little 'beat'. Haw haw."

Ray Hayashi Kaelin said...

"The Green Hornet. Now that was a great show. Hey, how about if I'm the Green Hornet and you're Kato? 'Hey Kato, did you pwant the bwoody gwove'. Haw haw."

Steve_O said...

"Who farted?"

Steve_O said...

"For the last time, Lennie- we're just carpooling together, not eloping."

Steve_O said...

"We're just carpool buddies, NOT carpool buddies with benefits!"

LR said...

"Exhaust gas my ass- he who smelt it dealt it."

Anonymous said...

"Tell me . . . is the movie all that much better wearing those 3-D glasses???"


--blw

Blu_Tarski said...

En route to the Delta house, D-Day and Flounder get stuck in traffic on the way back from a beer run.

 Konrad said...

What the fuck do you mean we're outta gas?

Anonymous said...

“That kid keeps staring at us. Want me to cap him?”

Anonymous said...

"Next time you get free tickets to a Browns game stick them up your ass."

Rob

Damon said...

"I think this is the last time we'll do your annual review in an auto junkyard. Too many dead hookers."

Damon said...

"Dad said, `Son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop drivin' this hot-rod Lincoln'. Kept the car; his cirrhosis was a bonus."

 Konrad said...

Thank god it's Friday!

 Konrad said...

I swear, after we take out al in la, I'm never coming back to friggin' Los Assho-les.

Damon said...

"That's not whimpering - it's a bad wheel bearing. In the trunk. Wanna fix it? Park in the sun for a few hours."

Anonymous said...

"C'mon, grandma! You gonna count out every fucking penny and nickel you've got?"

Rob

Austin in PA said...

For the last time Keanu, this is a TOYOTA Matrix.

Tim H said...

"Don't you find those Car Talk guys absolutely hilarious?!"

Arnie said...

"Idiot, use the carpool lane!"

Del said...

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!

Toby said...

"But Konrad, if we kills da masta, who's a-gonna feed us? Best you keep ya mouth shut boy, and jus' drive da damn car."

Anonymous said...

"Fucking E-ZPass transponders."

dwilk

 Konrad said...

Woo hoo, street racing on the Santa Monica Freeway during freakin' rush hour. Got any other brilliant ideas, Mario?

Anonymous said...

Do you have something I can pee in?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"It feels like we're in a cartoon."

Anonymous said...

"I'm going home, but not before I beat up an Asian convenience store owner, machine gun a telephone booth and top it all off with a Whammy Burger."

jazzy

Audrey_O said...

"You're always Jake. Why don't you be Elwood for once?"

Naomi said...

"Why did you replace the hood with a two-piece?"

smuck said...

"You should have called an ambulance to bring you to your mouth attachment surgery."

 Konrad said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di...gress, but I still want to focus on my Plymouth Laser.

Gary P said...

"I'm haunted by the faces of those kids you ran over."

philomania said...

"Do you ever get the feeling you're trapped in a metaphor?"

new paltz said...

"It's not my fault your sister thinks I'm hot and has a remarkable lack of judgement."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry about the hershey squirts, Bob, what with the Corinthian leather and all."

dwilk

smuck said...

"I ate a couple of burritos. Do you mind?"

smuck said...

Harold and Kumar go to Logan Airport.

Eric G said...

Oh no! Godzirra!

LV said...

"Fittipaldi, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you gonna stand racing NASCAR?"

cta said...

"Ok, this next exit is where I get off, so thanks for giving me a hand! This beats autoerotism any day."

Allison O. said...

"We could do a Chinese fire drill, but you'll have to put on your pants, dear."

Anonymous said...

"Oh, mama, can this really be the end? To be stuck inside a Mazda with the Memphis blues again."


---blw

Anonymous said...

Why aren't we getting anywhere, Mr. Minaya?

Rocko

Carmen Ghia said...

Apparently, no matter how long you wait in the drive-thru line, it's still considered fast food.

al in la la land said...

You know, being stuck here in traffic is almost as boring as being at a baseball game.

Lumpy, my 9-week-old fetus said...

Bullshit! No fucking two-month-old said anything of the sort. And that's my God damned seat!

Tim L said...

"Once we get out of this parking lot, it'll be clear sailing on this PCP."

Utellme said...

"You look stupid right now with your hands at 10 and 2 o'clock, Louise. That parolee chick was only supposed to steal my purse, not give me crabs. How long before we reach the canyon? You're a fuck-up."

Anonymous said...

"Hooters?"

Anonymous said...

"Shit! If she didn't have great knockers I'd just text her about her husband's death."

dwilk

boneguy said...

Oh crap. I think I left the curling iron plugged in.

Glenn said...

"So what do you think happened with the electric chair? Or that chick who flashed those pilots at the airport?"

Anonymouse said...

"You know, that Kim Novak has some big breasts."

Utellme said...

"Put your hands on me, Jack."

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle said...

On your mark, get set, GO!

Anonymous said...

Fucking traffic. I'm going to miss the play-offs. You know; like the Mets.

Rocko

Anonymouse said...

"I thought you said that Jeff Wilpon was illiterate?"

Anonymous said...

"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."

Mike

Anonymous said...

Fuck infrastructure spending, I'm voting a straight Tea-Party ticket. Wanna start taking my chopper to work?

Rocko

Anomalous said...

“Look, I know you’re a pedal-to-the-metal kinda guy, but when I said we should test-drive this relationship, that's exactly what I meant. It’s just too soon to go-all-the-way.”

Richard H said...

"Watch out. There's a car in your blind spot."

Jess said...

"If I've told you once, I've told you 121 times: There's nothing funny here."

Anonymous said...

“Trust me, Frankie, I can spot a tail a mile away.”

jazzy

Glenn said...

"I HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!!"

Oliver and Ricky Richter said...

Nein , Das ist Fahvergnugen, nicht "Fart Fig Newtons"

Little Willie Hitler said...

Ich habe ein 'innie' und ein Audi!

Ellen the ultimate driving machine said...

"Portia..... there is no substitute"

Unanymous said...

I could sure use some morning Udelhoeven if you know what I mean!

Anonymous said...

"So . . . I guess you don't even use your white cane when driving, huh?"

---blw

LR said...

"You'll think twice about ending up in our traffic school again, eh leadfoot?"

Tom Grievance said...

He's a Mets fan tweaking a team that's in the LCS? Pathetic.

Dee Prest said...

I was in traffic like this once before. It was a twenty-one car pile-up where nine people died and another seventeen were horribly maimed. It would be such a bummer if that were happening again.

Da Beav said...

Oh gee Wally! I know she was just our TV mom and all.. but did you really have to tell me you hit that on the way to her funeral?

David D. said...

"I don't get it."

KdNicewanger said...

"I forgot my briefcase."

Steve_O said...

"You're kidding me! ALL of these people are rushing to buy 'Earth' just because Radosh was one of the writers?"

Anonymous said...

"Let's face it, we're honkys."

Utellme said...

"Is that guy tailgating?"

JohnnyB said...

I'm not a hitch-hiker; I'm Death. That accident back there was more serious than you thought.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0734644/


You know the accident up there? Someone got hurt. A lady. She died.
http://videosift.com/video/Sixth-Sense-Coles-conversation-with-his-mother-in-the-car

Anonymous said...

Tired of waiting for al? Me too.

mo-in-mo said...

Apparently al is stuck in traffic too.

JohnnyB said...

Al recognizes that "John Barleycorn Must Die" is a song from Traffic but says he does not see the connection when the guy in traffic is reminded of that song, because Al is either (1) trying to be ironic (but how that is funny is apparent only to Al), (2) really obtuse or (3) just another guy in la, fallen victim to abuse of medical marijuana (on top of what he smoked in high school in the 70s while listening to Traffic).

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