The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #259

NOTE: There simply wasn’t much to work with here. It’s just two bland guys sitting in a nondescript car that appears to be stuck in traffic. So? Maybe if it was a dog and a cat, or a hooker and a john, or if one of the guys was a fireman, a terrorist or an astronaut or something—that might have been fodder for mirth. This is just a lazy-ass cartoon.
Anti-Cappers gave it their all (such as it is) but, sadly, bland ruled the day. There was no laugh out loud breakthrough winners and despite a few laudable fart jokes, nothing was particularly intelligent or topical. Even so, I was impressed to see that the number of caps exceeded 140. That, I believe is an all-time high for a one week contest on this blog. I appreciate the level of interest even if the level of wit was not especially stirring. Here, then, are the winners. --al in la

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Do you ever get the feeling you're trapped in a metaphor?”-- philomania (JUDGE’S COMMENT: “Stuck” would have been a much better word than “trapped” but this is poignant without being preachy; obvious, but not embarrassingly so. It also struck a cord. Some time ago the cap contest featured a cartoon that had two stone age men examining a huge handgun lying on the ground. My cap at the time was this: “Careful! It might be a metaphor .” I only got a lame-ass 2nd place from the previous judge. So this entry sort of reminded me of me in my youth. It also helps settle an old score. No, it’s not funny but for an off week [humor-wise] it will have to do..)

SECOND PLACE
Bill and Pete have second thoughts about attending Carstock-- Satireguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not bad, but why not “Bill and Ted?” That way you have the time travel angle coupled with a pop culture reference. Realistically, anyone attending an event with a name like “Carstock” should know what they’re getting themselves into. Kind of like "naked Twister.")


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"We'd have been better off staying home for the apocalypse."-- D. Downer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: In it’s own way, this is very perceptive. When the ultimate calamity strikes the roads will be instantly clogged, stores will hike prices and anarchy will prevail. That’s just the way we humans roll.)

Harold and Kumar go to Logan Airport. –smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: One of several caps that tried to explain why these two mugs are in a traffic jam. In many places snarled traffic only happens when there is a major mishap. Those places are not L.A. )

Woo hoo, street racing on the Santa Monica Freeway during freakin' rush hour. Got any other brilliant ideas, Mario?-- Konrad (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another attempt to put the drivers some place specific. I don’t think it counts as street racing if you are moving slower than a little girl could ride her bike. Mario endures as the classic race driver name.Konrad's effort has not gone unnoticed at Anti-Cap HQ)

"Next time you get free tickets to a Browns game stick them up your ass."--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The image of Browns tickets being inserted into an ass may give us a certain poetic symmetry, but it also makes this cap needlessly gross. [“Packers ” may have been slightly better.] Also, given the price of football tickets most fans would sit in traffic for a free-be even if it’s a shitty team [pun intended].)

Fucking traffic. I'm going to miss the play-offs. You know; like the Mets.--Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: There is a big difference between missing a game because there was a bender on the Van Wyck, and missing it because your team sucks monkey balls. I am also flagging this for poor grammar, improper use of a semi colon and failure to recognize that "playoffs" is one word. Fifteen-yard penalty and a loss of down. [As you can see, it's football season here.] Nuff said. )

I was in traffic like this once before. It was a twenty-one car pile-up where nine people died and another seventeen were horribly maimed. It would be such a bummer if that were happening again. --Dee Prest (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually in L.A. the opposite is true. If traffic suddenly slows to a crawl, people here will say things like: “Hopefully it’s just an accident.” )

"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you."-- S. Wheel (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Maybe it was an omen: Mrs. al in la and I went out for pizza Saturday night. When we got in the car, this old song from Stealers Wheel was playing on the radio. For the record, I was driving so she was to my right and I was to her left. No one was in the middle. Thanks to "Reservoir Dogs" I can not hear this song with out thinking of someone being doused with gasoline.)

You said you 'n' me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin', look out 'cause my hair is comin' down! --JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Johnny uses a photo of himself wearing a baseball cap so we have no way of knowing if there are flowing locks bundled up undernearth. This, I believe, is from “Thelma & Louise,” a road movie about two women who have no sense of direction.)

This reminds me; John Barleycorn must die. --JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: As everyone who went to high school in the '70's knows, this is an album from the band Traffic. How this is funny only Johnny knows. If it makes him happy I'm so glad. I'm so glad. I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad.)

Watching 'Cars' in a drive in theater. What could be cooler than that, huh Dad? --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Okay, so this is another movie reference. To answer the lad’s question: A witty and provocative cap would have been way cooler. )

En route to the Delta house, D-Day and Flounder get stuck in traffic on the way back from a beer run. --Blu_Tarski (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Okay. I think we can agree the two guys in the car look like they could be playing those two “Animal House” roles so this is not terrible, just pointless. )

"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."--Mike (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A classic line from GF I. Still, I always wondered why Clemenza also left the car behind. Just tell Paulie to get out, shoot him and then drive away. This way you keep the cannoli AND the car. I am not even in the Mafia and I know that.)

"The tires here are unseen." ---Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A modest variation on a timeless classic. And no, you really can't see the tires.)

"Fittipaldi, you crazy bastard. How are you?!" Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Another classic. I believe Brazilian racing legend Emerson Fittipaldi gained lasting fame because he has a cool name. Nothing wrong with that.)

"Fittipaldi, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you gonna stand racing NASCAR?" --LV (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Three days after Tim’s cap we get this confusing entry. Apart from the redundancy, it is bogus. Even casual fans know Fittapaldi never competed in NASCAR. )

"I ate a couple of burritos. Do you mind?"--smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This has two anti-cap staples: Respect for tradition and jokes tied to a bodily function. It builds on the classic cap “I brought a couple of midgets. Do you mind?” It also reminds us that there is no polite way to fart. )

Sorry. Had a breakfast burrito. --Mark Rypien (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Similar in approach but not nearly as classy as the previous cap. )

"C'mon, grandma! You gonna count out every fucking penny and nickel you've got?"--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: While driving with my 80-year old dad in Florida one day, a stop light turned green but the car in front of us didn’t budge. After a second or two my father hit the horn and snarled “C’mon grandpa! Green means go!” This reminded me of that moment. Thanks Rob. )

"Hey, hows about revisiting Highway 61?" --Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Best ever modernization of a biblical verse: “God said to Abraham Kill me a son, Abe said man you must be putting me on…” )

Seems a few people back in Newport didn't appreciate you "going electric." --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: One day I will summon the will to ignore dumb caps whose only selling point is a Dylan reference. Today’s not that day.)

"Oh, mama, can this really be the end? To be stuck inside a Mazda with the Memphis blues again."---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Better that the last Dylan-related cap, but only a little bit. )

Oh gee Wally! I know she was just our TV mom and all.. but did you really have to tell me you hit that on the way to her funeral?-- Da Beav (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap belittles the memory of actress Barbara Billingsley, who passed away a few days ago at age 94. It's topical but rude and disrespectful without a humorous payoff. On “Leave it to Beaver,” she was June Cleaver, the loving yet stern mom of Beaver and Wally. Occasionally she would gently scold her husband, Ward, telling him he had been “a little rough on the Beaver last night.” She may have been the original MILF. Gone but not withdrawn from countless spank-banks. RIP, Babs.)

You know, being stuck here in traffic is almost as boring as being at a baseball game.--al in la la land (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I remember a substitute teacher in high school once saying that only fools know boredom. If baseball is boring than so is sitting all day on a beautiful beach. Sometimes boring is exactly the point. )

I swear, after we take out al in la, I'm never coming back to friggin' Los Assho-les. --Konrad (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This cap could be called "The Wrath of Konrad." This is what I get for suggesting that “Kon Man” looks like Grant [and I meant Ulysses not Lou, so it's not even that insulting]. I choose to assume by “take out” he means he picks me up, we bowl a few frames and then have a burger and a few beers. To ensure it's not gay, we endlessly ask each other knowing questions like "Betty or Veronica?" "Ginger or Maryann?" "Condalisa or Hillary?" Just say when, Kon, and we're there.)