Monday, September 13, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #255

















WINNER
"Look, Judy, you had to know when you married a guy named Punch that you were taking a chance." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of like marrying a woman named Chastity or Gabby. This cap is witty, obscure and appropriate. There may be even public service element here. Tim for some reason put the two puppet names in bold face. While I don't approve of this kind of grandstanding [What are we, Page Six?] this cap was a clear winner.)

SECOND PLACE

"You Molinas are driving me up the fucking wall!" --dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really funny but clever and far afield. I also believe most people would not get this, so I felt the need to show off step in. It is reference to baseball's "Catching Molina Brothers." A tragic story of three brothers unable to play any other position but catcher. They often squat. This cap suggests they would be inclined to do so even while in therapy, as would their wives. As I said, not really funny. Just perceptive and bizarre.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
There are better ways to register your dissatisfaction with me than creating a distraction while you shit on my carpet. --Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, that is obviously what this couple is doing [or do-doing, if you like]. Should I ever teach a Learning Annex class called "How to Win the Anti-Caption Contest," there will be a section exploring the enduring appeal of potty humor. Rocko will be invited as guest lecturer.)


"What do you mean he gave you the clap?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes sense. You clap with your hands, don't you?)

Very cute, Mom and Dad. Now get the fuck out; I've got to earn enough to put you away.-- Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's mean, stupid and slightly funny, but Konnie went too far. The "fuck" here is misplaced. Unless they were taking a shit on his carpet or something, I don't think he'd say "fuck" to his parents. Let's not sacrifice accurate for edgy.)

Let's see if we can get our thumbs out of our asses today and make some progress.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But why the thumb?--I've always wondered. Wouldn't someone inclined to insert a finger into their butt use a longer, thinner finger? And why is inertia associated with something so gross and implausible?)


"The last couple I counseled merely had their head up their ass." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A close cousin of "thumb up ass" is "head up ass." Interesting that the couple had only one head and one ass between them.)

"Well, we have to wrap up. I've got a 3 O'clock with Pinnochio and his girlfriend. Apparently, he's not lying to her enough during sex. Oops, you didn't hear that." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah we get it. He lies, his nose grows longer and a sex act ensues. What if he sneezes?)


Shut up, Old Man! I ain't goin' nowhere. Why don't you tell all these nice folks why you been duckin' me? Politics, man. This country want to keep me down. Keep everybody weak. They don't want me to have the title because I'm not a puppet like that fool up there. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Talk about obscure. This is Mr. T's character Clubber Lang in Rockty III taunting Burgess Meredith's character, Mickey. The film launched Mr T's career as well as the phrase "I pity the fool." You get the sense that who ever submitted this cap was just looking for anything puppet-related.)

"You can't hide your finger dysplasia forever." --bentraverse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny but short and technically accurate. Ben has also pulled from his butt a word we seldom hear.)

"Now Bill, how do you think Marjorie felt when you called her a shrill, sexless puppet? And Marjorie, do you think it was fair to respond by saying his half centimeter penis doesn't satisfy you?--Mort Drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A valiant effort to explain what the guy behind the desk might say to the puppets. But if she IS a puppet wouldn't she do what her puppeteer wants thus avoiding marital discord? And if his dick IS that small, wouldn't he be wearing a Red Sox cap?)

Don't leave me hanging guys! What did GI Joe do next and how does Barbie fit into all this? --Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clever but disjointed. This really needs a better pay off. Also, it should specify if it was a Kung Fu gripe GI Joe. And what about Ken?)


"So what you are saying is you both feel crucified in this relationship?" --mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well there arms are stretched out and bickering couples often dramatize their situation so...)

No, Mr. and Mrs. Bond, the hourly rates here are obscene; I expect you to reconcile.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A two-classic combo with a semi-colon, no less. It's hard not to be moved.)


"You're not in my chairs" --Now four-year-old girl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to our youngest winner. Someone is paying attention.)

Mets, Star Trek, Dylan... well, our time is up. As you can see, I have a few hang-ups.--Mary-Annette (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You forgot Chinese food and leather restraints. My turn-offs, by the way, include mean people and helmet laws.)

Fantoccini, you crazy bastards! How the hell are you going to make this work?--JIm Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim evokes a word we seldom see, and he does so to advance a classic. Very nice.)

"You both like being fisted...that's a start." --Auntie Penny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In sex as in life, agreeing to do something does not necessarily mean you like doing it.)


"What I'm hearing you say is that you both are feeling manipulated."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could win the "real" contest. Next week, try harder.)


"Now, gently take your hand out of his anus. . . Uranus. . .your anus. . . oh, fuck it. You know, you two would not feel so all alone, if everybody just got stoned." --holden_c (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Potty humor, poor grammar and a shameless bid to curry favor with the judge. That's all I see here. Thanks for playing. Next!)

"But it sure do bother me to see my 'loved ones' turning into puppets." --Bobby (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is better but you talk about a life of funny anti-caps, show me someone who knows how to live it.)


"Dylan lyrics...more Dylan lyrics...even more Dylan lyrics." --Another Sure Winner (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, and?)

"So Judy, why don't you turn to Al and tell him how you feel when he keeps responding to every one of your upsets with some obscure fucking Bob Dylan reference?" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Something is happening here, but you don't know what it is, do you Mr. H.?)

[Mumbled from behind right chair]
I just don't know what to do
I was all right 'til I fell in love with you--Eric G .

[Whispered from behind left chair]
"ba-ba ba-ba baby I love you"--Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A two-part cap that includes a few lines from the lead song on the often overlooked Dylan album, "Time Out of Mind." In an apparent reference to this contest, the song also says: "Well junk is piling up/ taking up space/ My eyes feel/ like they're falling off my face" The album, by the way, also includes the masterpiece "Cold Irons Bound" (check it out on You Tube), which I believe is the theme song of my life right now. Bottom line: If you are trying to stump me, try harder.)

"Aww c'mon. You BOTH caught a fish that long?"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted like a minute after the cartoon was posted on my blog shortly after 3 am. Rob's cap is not any good buy his dedication is not to be questioned.)

"Well, it seems you both agree on one thing: It's difficult to show your face at Citi Field these days." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Can we make this the last Met-bashing cap until pitchers and catchers next spring?)

"OK, now you put your right hand in, You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hoky Pokie
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:The last cap submitted before the judging was completed. Few people recall Bob Dylan's cover of this classic song. It was released along with out takes from Blonde on Blonde on an album simply titled "Dylan" [Not to be confused with his 1962 debut album "Bob Dylan"]. Columbia Records is said to have released the album to retaliate against Dylan's move to another label. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.)

"Mr. and Mrs. alinla, you can't say Mr. Radosh didn't warn you about this."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, far from warning us about anything, Daniel didn't even bother to tell me his was taking down his blog. When confronted via email he offered a "My bad." By the way, apart from being smart and pretty, Mrs. alinla is instrumental to the continuation of this contest. She long ago recognized that it keeps me quiet and gives me something to do.)


107 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Aww c'mon. You BOTH caught a fish that long?"

Rob

NAMBY said...

"You caught a big fish...The runner was safe...You plan to travel by plane...What then? What the fuck are you two trying to tell me?!?"

Anonymous said...

"Let's skip this puppet shit, and just have Bill rape you on top of my desk."

dwilk

Richard H said...

"You both seem trapped in the roles you've been playing."

Richard H said...

"Now, puppet Maureen, why don't you turn to puppet Dave and tell him exactly what you just told me?"

Richard H said...

"Damn it Jim and Sally, I can't keep this charade up. You both know I'm an engineer, not a marriage counsellor."

Richard H said...

"So Judy, why don't you turn to Al and tell him how you feel when he keeps responding to every one of your upsets with some obscure fucking Bob Dylan reference?"

Anonymous said...

"Simon says....Oh fuck it! 'Simon says' captions never get picked."

Rob

Gary P said...

"On the contrary, there are many couples where the woman has no vagina and the man has no dick who are able to make the marriage work."

Anonymous said...

"Please don't stand on the chair backs."

Jon Hamm said...

Note on last week: Irony of ironies, "catnadz12" is actually my nom-de-Anti-Cap-Contest. so, yes, male.

K. Washington said...

"Wait a second...how would you even know that your husband smells like Miss Piggy's box?"

boneguy said...

As a rule, I don't treat patients smaller than my dick.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Look, Judy, you had to know when you married a guy named Punch that you were taking a chance."

Anonymous said...

"What I'm hearing you say is that you both are feeling manipulated."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Have you tried sticking pins in them?"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

“If you just give it time, I am sure you both will grow into this relationship.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Trust me, this worked with my last six wives."

Rob

David Martin said...

"Sorry, I left my sock puppet at home again."

Another Sure Winner said...

"Dylan lyrics...more Dylan lyrics...even more Dylan lyrics."

Melvin said...

"Fuck, just get a divorce. Idiots."

The pets.com sock puppet dog now working for Bar-none said...

"Everybody deserves a second chance."

Luke said...

"Apparently, both of you have Christ complexes."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"C'mon, you two. Don't be cross."

[Nod to Luke.]

Anonymous said...

If this is going to work, one of you will have to be the bigger person.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

“Now, I know you both feel there is no hope, but I’m asking you . . . now, I’m pleading with you, please . . . please don’t jump!!!”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“C’mon, man . . . step up and admit the obvious . . . she’s a doll!!!”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Now, I want you both to look deep inside yourselves . . . and tell me, does somone else have a hand in this???”


---blw

Auntie Penny said...

"You both like being fisted...that's a start."

G. Stickley said...

"Good! Divorces benefit from a chair and chair alike mentality." (oh, tell me you di-n't...oh, but I did)

Anonymous said...

Fantoccini, you crazy bastards! How the hell are you going to make this work?

JIm Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Mets, Star Trek, Dylan... well, our time is up. As you can see, I have a few hang-ups.

Mary-Annette

Now four-year-old girl said...

"You're not in my chairs"

Ernst Stavro B. said...

"No, James, Teresa, we have all the time in the world."

Anonymous said...

No, Mr. and Mrs. Bond, the hourly rates here are obscene; I expect you to reconcile.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"I see you decided to 'marry Annette'"

-- Dex

NAMBY said...

"Okay now Marge, show me the places Roger refuses to touch you."

Anonymous said...

I suppose you're wondering why my desk is so free of clutter. No phone, computer, family photos . . .

= Optimus Sub-Prime

holden_c said...

"Now, gently take your hand out of his anus. . . Uranus. . .your anus. . . oh, fuck it. You know, you two would not feel so all alone, if everybody just got stoned."

Steve_O said...

"Get back in the chairs, you fucking cowards, and take your termination like adults."

LV said...

"Contrary to all the ad claims, penis enlargement does NOT solve marital problems- just ask my ex-wife."

 Konrad said...

Masks, maybe, but fuckin' puppets? I'm afraid you guys on your own. NEXT!

Utellme said...

Is that a tear in your tiny, plastic eye, Mrs. Carruthers? And Mr. Carruthers, your chin is all aquiver. Just wrap your arms around each other, please! I can't take it anymore.

Utellme said...

I don't care what he says, Mrs. Miller. You do NOT look fat in that dress.

Utellme said...

I told you before, Mr. Jones, you cannot 'go commando' in this office, especially when you're not wearing slacks.

Utellme said...

The fact that he can retain stiffness for long periods IS a good thing, isn't it, Mrs. Robbins?

Anonymous said...

University of Phoenix. It says right on the diploma.

- Roger Kaputnik

Gary P said...

"Bravo! Oh, I do love Glee; the wheelchair bit was brilliant. But I can't really give you a discount for putting on a show."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Get out of my office! NOW!!!"

boneguy said...

Please have a seat...all four of you.

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I must tell you, I left my puppet at home."

Anonymous said...

"So what you're trying to say is you both feel crucified in this relationship?"

mort drucker said...

"So what you are saying is you both feel crucified in this relationship?"

Anonymous said...

"So when you argue, you feel that she always gains the upper hand?" cta

Satireguy said...

"If you used more foreplay and less role play, I'm sure that would help."

 Konrad said...

I recommend large quantities of alcohol.

 Konrad said...

Ok, do you want to be six or do you want to have sex?

Anonymous said...

"In Russia, patients treat doctor (to a puppet show)."

 Konrad said...

Don't leave me hanging guys! What did GI Joe do next and how does Barbie fit into all this?

Mort Drucker said...

"Stop! Stop! This is a travesty on every level! (Oh, who am I kidding...I love it!")

Mort Drucker said...

"You call that conflict resolution?! I have a good mind to leap over this desk and squeeze the sawdust out of you!"

Anonymous said...

"...97..98..99..100. Here I come ready or not!"

Rob

Mort Drucker said...

"Now Bill, how do you think Marjorie felt when you called her a shrill, sexless puppet? And Marjorie, do you think it was fair to respond by saying his half centimeter penis doesn't satisfy you?"

Anonymous said...

"You Molinas are driving me up the fucking wall!"

dwilk

Mort Drucker said...

"Ok. Now that we've determined that your arms can embrace my throbbing erection, let's move on to some real conflict resolution!"

Anonymous said...

"You can't hide your finger dysplasia forever."

bentraverse

Catnadz12 (J. H.)) said...

"Divorce? Given. More importantly, grow the fuck up!"

Anonymous said...

"There's no 'I' in 'Get the fuck outta here!'"

jazzy

Damon said...

"Welcome to the New Yorker, you two. But remember that puppet work is hard work, and ours are the roughest hand jobs in the industry."

Jess said...

"See? I told you. Your son is gay. Inviting him and his lover here was a terrible idea...You can stand up now. I don't think they're coming back."

Anonymous said...

Shut up, Old Man! I ain't goin' nowhere. Why don't you tell all these nice folks why you been duckin' me? Politics, man. This country want to keep me down. Keep everybody weak. They don't want me to have the title because I'm not a puppet like that fool up there.

Corky said...

"Abracadabra, they sit on my chair. Presto, change-o, and now they're aware! Hocus Pocus, I take them to bed. Magic is fun...when you're dead."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Well, it seems you both agree on one thing: It's difficult to show your face at Citi Field these days."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Hey, you two are in luck. I specialize in crazy people."

Anonymous said...

Let's get this show on the road.

Anonymous said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to be a stand-up guy.

Rocko

K. Washington said...

"Hang in there, you two, because someday you'll find it...the rainbow connection; it's for lovers, and dreamers, and me."

Anonymous said...

"Can I at least watch your puppets dry hump?"

Eric G said...

[Mumbled from behind right chair]

I just don't know what to do
I was all right 'til I fell in love with you

Eric G said...

[Whispered from behind left chair]

"ba-ba ba-ba baby I love you"

Anonymous said...

"Sit the fuck down."

Eric G said...

You're both wrong. It's much bigger. My 3 o'clock clients can attest, once they finish me off under the desk.

Anonymous said...

"Well, we have to wrap up. I've got a 3 O'clock with Pinnochio and his girlfriend. Apparently, he's not lying to her enough during sex. Oops, you didn't hear that." -cta

Anonymous said...

"Dirk, why are you so threatened by Marion's puppet tears?"

Anonymous said...

"Aaaand times up. Best session yet! Expect a major breakthrough in 12 or so more sessions. That'll be $1,000 for today."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Well, if you two are any indication, America Don't Got Talent."

Anonymous said...

Let's see if we can get our thumbs out of our asses today and make some progress.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

There are better ways to register your dissatisfaction with me than creating a distraction while you shit on my carpet.

Rocko

Harry said...

"I can still see you. You are right behind the chair."

 Konrad said...

Very cute, Mom and Dad. Now get the fuck out; I've got to earn enough to put you away.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Sticking those puppets up every five seconds and saying 'TA-DA!' isn't going to help anyone."

Michael said...

"All right, I believe you. George W. Bush was a puppet of the Carlyle Group. And this does what to make your marriage work?"

Rich Lather said...

"In light of Facebook, Myspace, blogs, and Twitter, you're actually the closest, most-loving and almost-normal couple that I have ever met."

Anonymous said...

"Mr. and Mrs. alinla, you can't say Mr. Radosh didn't warn you about this."

Anonymous said...

JD and Roger McGaugh role play to see who'll be alpha-bitch.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, shoot, sorry guys. I left my therapist puppet home today."

Anonymous said...

"STIMULATE!!! I said stimulate each other."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"What do you mean he gave you the clap?"

Bobby said...

"But it sure do bother me to see my 'loved ones' turning into puppets."

Anonymous said...

"Ok, I'll make it an even 100."

Bette

Steve_O said...

"The last couple I counseled merely had their head up their ass."

Richard H said...

"For next week's session, I'd like you to work on an interpretive mime piece. Shirley, you'll be trapped in a phone booth. Bob, you'll be walking through hurricane force winds as you try to rescue her. Fuck it, if you guys aren't going to resolve your differences I might as well be entertained."

Anonymous said...

My therapist wants me to stop treating you.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"How long is your Dick's membership been out to see your clam?"

jazzy

Satireguy said...

"OK, now you put your right hand in, You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hoky Pokie
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!"

Anonymous said...

"Ms. Blankenship, please call security......Ms. Blankenship??"

James said...

Shop 20 million songs. The CC Witness is the only digital MP3 recorder/player that also has both AM and FM radio onboard. Now if they are on a painted bumper and your paint on your bumper is already peeling, do not try removing that one, better to leave that bumper sticker on there rather than pull more paint from the bumper.

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.