Sunday, September 5, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #254





















WINNER
"Fuck you...'where am I?'. I told you I needed some space."-- catnadz12
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this was written by a guy, it's witty, ironic and highly perceptive. If a woman submitted it, it's just a cheap shot. I'm writing this while watching Mad Men. Don Draper's date just said: "All a man knows of the world is what you show him." Think about that while you look at the cartoon. I dare you.)

SECOND PLACE
"I'm going back to New York City, I do believe I've had enough." --Lucky Wilbury
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A close second, but I had to put aside my bias. This is the last line from Dylan's "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues." As someone who this week marks the 10th anniversary of his NY-2-LA move, it works on several levels. [It also fits the cartoon.] Extra credit for knowing Bob's alias in the Traveling Wilburys.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"So I said, 'Look, asshole, just give me a cell phone and a chair and I can make more money on another planet than you're paying me!'"--jazzy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: My guess is that the guy on the phone is either doing telemarketing or phone sex. Either way, as someone who works at home, I can tell you this: You don't get paid for looking busy. That is the biggest difference between working at home and working in an office.)

"So my first wish was to be sitting on the face of some sweet young teenager."-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apparently a teenager who enjoys sweets. A few Anti-Cappers shrunk the man down and placed him on [or in] various parts of the body. Remarkably, this was the least gross.)

"The seasons they are turnin' and my sad heart is yearnin'
To hear again the songbird's sweet melodious tone
Won't you meet me out in the moonlight alone?" --sucker_upper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Doctor, lawyer, Indian chief/It takes a thief to catch a thief." I am touched! As I'm sure everyone is aware, this is from the Bob Dylan song "Moonlight." It appears on the album "Love and Theft" which was, notably, released on Sept. 11, 2001. )

"All I said was that I wanted to be on your anus and the next thing you know I'm stuck on some godforsaken planet." --David Martin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: David was good enough to provide a link to his blog. It says his "work has appeared on the op-ed pages of many leading North American newspapers." He is also a Canadian who enjoys potty humor. I know what you are thinking, ladies: Is he single? Is he even straight? I don't know. But a girl could do worse.)

Yeah, lots of them. We'd better re-name it Your Anuses.--JIm Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any cartoon featuring a planet MUST include at least two "your anus" caps. Jim knows this rule. Jim is one of us. Nice job, buddy.)

". . . no, I thought I was really gonna get something freaky when she told me my moon was in Uranus." holden_c . (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this to extend a theme that is like Anti-Cap catnip, but I believe it's only funny if you spell it "your anus." So what we have here is a predictable joke with terrible execution.)

"Okay Samantha, put your mother on and I'll apologize." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference, of course, to the old sit-com, Bewitched. When Endora would get pissed at Darrin she'd do stuff to him--bad stuff. He would frequently apologize.)

Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But tell us, fer christ sake, who's shirt do you wear? Thanks for NOT signing this "Ziggy" or something stupid like that.)

"Shut up with the 'It's a cookbook!' stuff already."-- Rod (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Got it. A favorite Twilight Zone episode. I heard there's a fishing book called "How to Please Her With Your Rod." But you won't know anything about that, would you Rod?)

"Lunar? I barely knew her!"-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Although it makes no sense in this case, this pun only really works with the word "liquor." Sorry, that's my ruling.)

"Hello, Doctor, I was wondering... Can sitting too long in one place give you asteroids?" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this because the "real" contest would scoff at it. While I don't think it's funny, I'm not scoffing.)

"No, Sorry, Neil. Nope, no flag, no plaque....somebody fucked up your footprint...And tell Aldrin to give it a rest for Chrissake!-- Roger Houston (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has historical significance but is, let's face it, not any good. There is, however a follow-up that made it slightly notable. [See below].)

& roger houston's little buddy said...
Yeah tell him to 'Buzz off' (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? Aldrin's first name is Buzz which was once a legit, if slightly juvenile, name for a man until the stoners got a hold of it.)

"No, it's not the fucking moon and it's not a fucking planet and it's not fucking Pluto. This piece of shit has a radius of like fifty fucking feet." --Carl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This calls attention to the cartoonist's use of an abbreviated perspective to establish that the caller is on some type of planet. Perceptive, but not funny. Still, any cap that discusses radius and has four "fucks" and a "shit," has some merit. I just hope the "Carl" is not supposed to be a reference to the late astronomer and frequent Tonight Show guest, Carl Segan. That would be a little, you know, obvious.)

"Judge Crater speaking"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a judge with a pun-appropriate name who went missing many decades ago. Yes? And? Tim once again demonstrates that he knows how to do an HTML link. This would have been better without the link. My feeling is if they don't get it, they don't deserve to get it [At least make them Google it]).

"Scotty? It's me, Jim...Not bad. Not bad. Yourself?...Good. Listen, I'm going to need beam-up service back up to the Enterprise...Sure, I'll hold." (Star Trek, The First Draft.) --Jess Sayin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh out loud. Made my wife say "I like this one!" What more do you need? The bar here is low and now that I'm done, the bar is open.)



105 comments:

NAMBY said...

"What do you mean you don't deliver north of 78th Street?"

Anonymous said...

"Can you hear me now? Asshole!"

Anonymous said...

"I need an exterminator and some oxygen."

Austin in PA said...

Sorry, wrong number.

Austin in PA said...

There are only so many places a registered sex offender can live, you know.

Austin in PA said...

Now I'm licking your clit.

Eric G said...

Okay, I'm looking at your anus, but I don't feel hot or bothered.

David Martin said...

"And then he said 'Klaatu barada nikto!' and the next thing I know I'm on the moon."

David Martin said...

"All I said was that I wanted to be on your anus and the next thing you know I'm stuck on some godforsaken planet."

JohnnyB said...

No, I've dug everywhere and can't find those damn miners.

JohnnyB said...

"...and then Alice says, "Go on, Ralph, say it one more time ... just ONE more time...'; and I did."

JohnnyB said...

It wasn't an "unidentified" flying object. I'm pretty sure it was a cow.

boneguy said...

Beleive me, this is the last time I tell a designer the sky's the limit.

JohnnyB said...

Yeah, I like the new chair; but I'm not exactly over the moon about it.

Anonymous said...

"But the toilets are out of this world."

Rob

Richard H said...

"The planet itself is pretty desolate, but at least I have my favorite chair with me and the wireless connection is pretty good."

Steve_O said...

"Damn. I shoulda brought a recliner."

Anonymous said...

Yeah, lots of them. We'd better re-name it Your Anuses.

JIm Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"...and for those who knew my death was just a stunt ... Tenk you veddy much."

-- Dex

Anonymous said...

"Oh jeez..., the alimony payment. How 'bout I get you two checks next week?"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Jim, this is Plato. I thought you and Judy were meeting me at the observatory. Please call me as soon as you get this.

- Minh Salleo

Grandpa said...

Hey Steve-o
you're in my chair
(still funnier than McGaugh)

Anonymous said...

Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Fuck the Sea of Tranquility, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you going to get me out of here?

Anonymous said...

Fuck the Sea of Tranquility, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you going to get me out of here?

Anonymous said...

The "Sea of Tranquility" double posts are mine. Forgot to take my protein pills and put my helmet on before I blasted off.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Oh, Christ! You're moving THIS weekend? I'm outta town."

Rob

Walt said...

Come on, Antoine. We worked this out when I was seven. If you don't know how to draw Jessica Alba, draw me a box containing Jessica Alba. And some blow.

Anonymous said...

"I just played eighteen holes. You?"

dwilk

boneguy said...

Well guess what? "The Little Prince " is all grown up AND he has a cell phone.

sucker_upper said...

"The seasons they are turnin' and my sad heart is yearnin'
To hear again the songbird's sweet melodious tone
Won't you meet me out in the moonlight alone?"

neal_bob said...

"Who cut the cheese?"

holden_c said...

". . . no, I thought I was really gonna get something freaky when she told me my moon was in Uranus."

boneguy said...

Bumper shumper. The reception still blows.

Anonymous said...

I wanted a seat at the Apollo Theater, you idiot.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

It's a La Z Boy rocket recliner.

Rocko

LV said...

"I know it seems like a long time, mother, but I told you I'd call back when the ants went to sleep."

"So my first wish was to be sitting on the face of some sweet young teenager."

"Hello, Orkin? I think I've got groundhogs."

Lucky Wilbury said...

"I'm going back to New York City, I do believe I've had enough."

Rod said...

"Shut up with the 'It's a cookbook!' stuff already."

Anonymous said...

"I need to order a thousand portable cell phone chargers."

Eric G said...

"Yes, mom, I'm doing fine in my new apartment, and..WHAT? How can you tell I'm slouching?"

Eric G said...

[Spoken on phone]

"Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to move your chair inside that big crater, okay? Great."

Anonymous said...

"I know you can hear me...reception on grandma's pimple-laden ass cheek is the best."

Satireguy said...

"Well, the scenery sucks but the cell phone reception is out of this world."

mpm said...

"The hours here are... oh fuck, I can't breathe."

Anonymous said...

The Broyhill has landed.

Jim Cavanaugh

Roger Houston said...

"No, Sorry, Neil. Nope, no flag, no plaque....somebody fucked up your footprint...And tell Aldrin to give it a rest for Chrissake!

roger houston's little buddy said...

Yeah tell him to 'Buzz off'

R. Kiel said...

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to rake."

catnadz12 said...

"Fuck you...'where am I?'. I told you I needed some space."

boneguy said...

One small step for man. One giant leap for pleather.

Anonymous said...

"Tell Sagan the craters are as small as his dick! He's what?"

Rob

Anonymous said...

"Lunar? I barely knew her!"

-- Dex

Anonymous said...

"Radosh used to be here, but he's gone over to the dark side."

--Dex

holden_c said...

"Hey Paul, it's me, Mark David. Yes, I was denied parole, but I'll get out one day. You watch your back, you limey, overrated bastard."

Steve_O said...

"I'm bored."

Anonymous said...

I'm looking for Geyser Sose.

- Roger Kaputnik

Austin in PA said...

Hello, NASA? Yes, I'll hold.

Mort drucker said...

"I would call my complexion 'green-ish,' not green. Do you have a problem with that?"

mort drucker said...

"I'm glued to my chair by ant jizz. That's the bad news. The good news is that I'm some kind of god to them."

mort drucker said...

"...and then the queen ant bit the king's head off and I was like 'no way dude' but the worker ants were like 'whatever' and then a giant anteater came and sucked up like a million ants and when he finished he gave me this chair and told me to call him if I saw any more ants. So, yeah...it's a pretty sweet set-up."

O.J. said...

"Dude, you won't believe this! I'm touring Universal Studios, right?, and I really feel one pecking, so I duck into the nearest door, and fuckin-A, I'm on the moon, and I'm not talking some Capricorn One bullshit moon, I'm talking the Neil Armstrong shit. I always knew the Van Allen belt was fuckin' impenetrable. Anyhow, 'the turd has landed'; Fuck the Man! I gotta get back to the group."

floyd said...

Really.. in fact it's all dark

R Starkey said...

Hey Mark David , what about me?
I'm still here you bastard !

Anonymous said...

"Hello, Doctor, I was wondering... Can sitting too long in one place give you asteroids?" -cta

Anonymous said...

"Hey, it's been 20 minutes and my pizza isn't here, yet!" -cta

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Judge Crater speaking."

Anonymous said...

"No, this is the man ON the moon. You want extension 3298." -cta

D. Quayle said...

"First impressions? Well, I'm pretty sure homoes would like the moon."

Carl said...

"No, it's not the fucking moon and it's not a fucking planet and it's not fucking Pluto. This piece of shit has a radius of like fifty fucking feet."

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, what a black hole.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Yes, I am a tit man . . . but what's with all the nipples???"

---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"So, I put in a quarter and punch 'Fly Me to the Moon' and what happens? Absolutely nothin'. It never did play the friggin' song!"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I know it's already been asked . . . way near the beginning. But I'm still curious . . . Can you hear me now???"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"You should see it . . . I'm not kidding, Bro, this is major league stuff. It makes your complexion issues look like child's play."


---left coast wayne

Gary P said...

("911, what is your emergency?")

"Somebody mooned me!"

NAMBY said...

"Okay Samantha, put your mother on and I'll apoligize."

Saint-Exupéry said...

"How's it going? I'm the Little Prince's bitch and you ask me how it's fucking going? (And by the way, he's not so little anymore.)"

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, what an asteroid hole.

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Hello, TripAdvisor,com? I said I wanted four-star accomodations, not the whole fucking universe!"

Anonymous said...

"Moon's under my hammy."

bentraverse

Anonymous said...

"I'm going to have a problem starting chemotherapy next week."

Anonymous said...

I may have to move but I was thinking of getting into the Koran burning business.

JohnnyB said...

Hello? Farmer's Market? Yes, I think I may have bought the wrong mushrooms. No, let me speak to the caterpillar.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"I am very, very dizzy."

Anonymous said...

“Oh, yeah . . . it’s a nice beach . . . but a helluva’ long way to the water.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

I wanted to build the Mosque here, but public sentiment is still against it.

Rocko

C. Sagan (RIP) said...

"I'm telling you, it's just like a tree, and by my count the universe is 19-years-old. And, there sure as shit are two Saturns, Asshole."

Damon said...

"Hello, honey? The shrink ray worked! Yup - I'm sitting on your boob. I can finally titty fuck you without hitting acne."

Anonymous said...

"Not sure where I am. But I see theta and phi in the sky."

Anonymous said...

"So I said, 'Look, asshole, just give me a cell phone and a chair and I can make more money on another planet than you're paying me!'"

jazzy

Tom said...

"Of course I killed them. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' I love frontier justice."

Thurston said...

"Hello? Hello? Hello! Damn it, hello! Hello!... waaaaaaa!!!"

Austin in PA said...

Hello, NASA? Sure, I'll hold.

Jess Sayin said...

"Scotty? It's me, Jim...Not bad. Not bad. Yourself?...Good. Listen, I'm going to need beam-up service back up to the Enterprise...Sure, I'll hold." (Star Trek, The First Draft.)

Austin in PA said...

KHAN!!!

Kramer said...

"Hello and welcome to Moonyfone. If you know the name of the creature you wish to be eaten by, press 1."

Anonymous said...

"Fuck the Polar Bear, put me on the 'Do Not Call List'!"

Mrs. Al in LA

Satireguy said...

"I'll take the meat lover's special and it better be here in 30 minutes or it's free."

Richard H said...

"I'll give you three clues where I am: there's great cellphone service, comfortable seating, and lots of moles.... No, it's not a dermatologists office."

Chad from NASA said...

"You know what? Fuck the moon!"

Utellme said...

No, Mother, dusting would be pointless.

Utellme said...

This is the perfect way to quit; I can't light a match.

Utellme said...

Hold on a minute, I think I'm in a bad location.

Anonymous said...

Just ran across this. Hilarious. Living in TN, and working in Memphis, the Peabody ducks are famous here.

Had to point out, though, that, yes, it is duct tape, but...there *is* Duck Brand duct tape, so...technically, all those people who've been calling it duck tape all those years....can be sorta right...

http://www.duckbrand.com/

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al in la

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.