The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #254

WINNER
"Fuck you...'where am I?'. I told you I needed some space."-- catnadz12 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this was written by a guy, it's witty, ironic and highly perceptive. If a woman submitted it, it's just a cheap shot. I'm writing this while watching Mad Men. Don Draper's date just said: "All a man knows of the world is what you show him." Think about that while you look at the cartoon. I dare you.)

SECOND PLACE
"I'm going back to New York City, I do believe I've had enough." --Lucky Wilbury (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A close second, but I had to put aside my bias. This is the last line from Dylan's "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues." As someone who this week marks the 10th anniversary of his NY-2-LA move, it works on several levels. [It also fits the cartoon.] Extra credit for knowing Bob's alias in the Traveling Wilburys.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"So I said, 'Look, asshole, just give me a cell phone and a chair and I can make more money on another planet than you're paying me!'"--jazzy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My guess is that the guy on the phone is either doing telemarketing or phone sex. Either way, as someone who works at home, I can tell you this: You don't get paid for looking busy. That is the biggest difference between working at home and working in an office.)

"So my first wish was to be sitting on the face of some sweet young teenager."-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apparently a teenager who enjoys sweets. A few Anti-Cappers shrunk the man down and placed him on [or in] various parts of the body. Remarkably, this was the least gross.)

"The seasons they are turnin' and my sad heart is yearnin'
To hear again the songbird's sweet melodious tone
Won't you meet me out in the moonlight alone?" --sucker_upper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Doctor, lawyer, Indian chief/It takes a thief to catch a thief." I am touched! As I'm sure everyone is aware, this is from the Bob Dylan song "Moonlight." It appears on the album "Love and Theft" which was, notably, released on Sept. 11, 2001. )

"All I said was that I wanted to be on your anus and the next thing you know I'm stuck on some godforsaken planet." --David Martin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: David was good enough to provide a link to his blog. It says his "work has appeared on the op-ed pages of many leading North American newspapers." He is also a Canadian who enjoys potty humor. I know what you are thinking, ladies: Is he single? Is he even straight? I don't know. But a girl could do worse.)

Yeah, lots of them. We'd better re-name it Your Anuses.--JIm Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any cartoon featuring a planet MUST include at least two "your anus" caps. Jim knows this rule. Jim is one of us. Nice job, buddy.)

". . . no, I thought I was really gonna get something freaky when she told me my moon was in Uranus." holden_c . (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this to extend a theme that is like Anti-Cap catnip, but I believe it's only funny if you spell it "your anus." So what we have here is a predictable joke with terrible execution.)

"Okay Samantha, put your mother on and I'll apologize." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference, of course, to the old sit-com, Bewitched. When Endora would get pissed at Darrin she'd do stuff to him--bad stuff. He would frequently apologize.)

Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But tell us, fer christ sake, who's shirt do you wear? Thanks for NOT signing this "Ziggy" or something stupid like that.)

"Shut up with the 'It's a cookbook!' stuff already."-- Rod (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Got it. A favorite Twilight Zone episode. I heard there's a fishing book called "How to Please Her With Your Rod." But you won't know anything about that, would you Rod?)

"Lunar? I barely knew her!"-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Although it makes no sense in this case, this pun only really works with the word "liquor." Sorry, that's my ruling.)

"Hello, Doctor, I was wondering... Can sitting too long in one place give you asteroids?" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this because the "real" contest would scoff at it. While I don't think it's funny, I'm not scoffing.)

"No, Sorry, Neil. Nope, no flag, no plaque....somebody fucked up your footprint...And tell Aldrin to give it a rest for Chrissake!-- Roger Houston (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has historical significance but is, let's face it, not any good. There is, however a follow-up that made it slightly notable. [See below].)

& roger houston's little buddy said...
Yeah tell him to 'Buzz off' (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? Aldrin's first name is Buzz which was once a legit, if slightly juvenile, name for a man until the stoners got a hold of it.)

"No, it's not the fucking moon and it's not a fucking planet and it's not fucking Pluto. This piece of shit has a radius of like fifty fucking feet." --Carl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This calls attention to the cartoonist's use of an abbreviated perspective to establish that the caller is on some type of planet. Perceptive, but not funny. Still, any cap that discusses radius and has four "fucks" and a "shit," has some merit. I just hope the "Carl" is not supposed to be a reference to the late astronomer and frequent Tonight Show guest, Carl Segan. That would be a little, you know, obvious.)

"Judge Crater speaking"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a judge with a pun-appropriate name who went missing many decades ago. Yes? And? Tim once again demonstrates that he knows how to do an HTML link. This would have been better without the link. My feeling is if they don't get it, they don't deserve to get it [At least make them Google it]).

"Scotty? It's me, Jim...Not bad. Not bad. Yourself?...Good. Listen, I'm going to need beam-up service back up to the Enterprise...Sure, I'll hold." (Star Trek, The First Draft.) --Jess Sayin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh out loud. Made my wife say "I like this one!" What more do you need? The bar here is low and now that I'm done, the bar is open.)