WINNER
"Look, Judy, you had to know when you married a guy named Punch that you were taking a chance." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of like marrying a woman named Chastity or Gabby. This cap is witty, obscure and appropriate. There may be even public service element here. Tim for some reason put the two puppet names in bold face. While I don't approve of this kind of grandstanding [What are we, Page Six?] this cap was a clear winner.)
SECOND PLACE
"You Molinas are driving me up the fucking wall!" --dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really funny but clever and far afield. I also believe most people would not get this, so I felt the need to
HONORABLE MENTIONS
There are better ways to register your dissatisfaction with me than creating a distraction while you shit on my carpet. --Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, that is obviously what this couple is doing [or do-doing, if you like]. Should I ever teach a Learning Annex class called "How to Win the Anti-Caption Contest," there will be a section exploring the enduring appeal of potty humor. Rocko will be invited as guest lecturer.)
"What do you mean he gave you the clap?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes sense. You clap with your hands, don't you?)
Very cute, Mom and Dad. Now get the fuck out; I've got to earn enough to put you away.-- Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's mean, stupid and slightly funny, but Konnie went too far. The "fuck" here is misplaced. Unless they were taking a shit on his carpet or something, I don't think he'd say "fuck" to his parents. Let's not sacrifice accurate for edgy.)
Let's see if we can get our thumbs out of our asses today and make some progress.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But why the thumb?--I've always wondered. Wouldn't someone inclined to insert a finger into their butt use a longer, thinner finger? And why is inertia associated with something so gross and implausible?)
"The last couple I counseled merely had their head up their ass." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A close cousin of "thumb up ass" is "head up ass." Interesting that the couple had only one head and one ass between them.)
"Well, we have to wrap up. I've got a 3 O'clock with Pinnochio and his girlfriend. Apparently, he's not lying to her enough during sex. Oops, you didn't hear that." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah we get it. He lies, his nose grows longer and a sex act ensues. What if he sneezes?)
Shut up, Old Man! I ain't goin' nowhere. Why don't you tell all these nice folks why you been duckin' me? Politics, man. This country want to keep me down. Keep everybody weak. They don't want me to have the title because I'm not a puppet like that fool up there. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Talk about obscure. This is Mr. T's character Clubber Lang in Rockty III taunting Burgess Meredith's character, Mickey. The film launched Mr T's career as well as the phrase "I pity the fool." You get the sense that who ever submitted this cap was just looking for anything puppet-related.)
"You can't hide your finger dysplasia forever." --bentraverse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny but short and technically accurate. Ben has also pulled from his butt a word we seldom hear.)
"Now Bill, how do you think Marjorie felt when you called her a shrill, sexless puppet? And Marjorie, do you think it was fair to respond by saying his half centimeter penis doesn't satisfy you?--Mort Drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A valiant effort to explain what the guy behind the desk might say to the puppets. But if she IS a puppet wouldn't she do what her puppeteer wants thus avoiding marital discord? And if his dick IS that small, wouldn't he be wearing a Red Sox cap?)
Don't leave me hanging guys! What did GI Joe do next and how does Barbie fit into all this? --Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clever but disjointed. This really needs a better pay off. Also, it should specify if it was a Kung Fu gripe GI Joe. And what about Ken?)
"So what you are saying is you both feel crucified in this relationship?" --mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well there arms are stretched out and bickering couples often dramatize their situation so...)
No, Mr. and Mrs. Bond, the hourly rates here are obscene; I expect you to reconcile.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A two-classic combo with a semi-colon, no less. It's hard not to be moved.)
"You're not in my chairs" --Now four-year-old girl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to our youngest winner. Someone is paying attention.)
Mets, Star Trek, Dylan... well, our time is up. As you can see, I have a few hang-ups.--Mary-Annette (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You forgot Chinese food and leather restraints. My turn-offs, by the way, include mean people and helmet laws.)
Fantoccini, you crazy bastards! How the hell are you going to make this work?--JIm Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim evokes a word we seldom see, and he does so to advance a classic. Very nice.)
"You both like being fisted...that's a start." --Auntie Penny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In sex as in life, agreeing to do something does not necessarily mean you like doing it.)
"What I'm hearing you say is that you both are feeling manipulated."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could win the "real" contest. Next week, try harder.)
"Now, gently take your hand out of his anus. . . Uranus. . .your anus. . . oh, fuck it. You know, you two would not feel so all alone, if everybody just got stoned." --holden_c (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Potty humor, poor grammar and a shameless bid to curry favor with the judge. That's all I see here. Thanks for playing. Next!)
"But it sure do bother me to see my 'loved ones' turning into puppets." --Bobby (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is better but you talk about a life of funny anti-caps, show me someone who knows how to live it.)
"Dylan lyrics...more Dylan lyrics...even more Dylan lyrics." --Another Sure Winner (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, and?)
"So Judy, why don't you turn to Al and tell him how you feel when he keeps responding to every one of your upsets with some obscure fucking Bob Dylan reference?" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Something is happening here, but you don't know what it is, do you Mr. H.?)
[Mumbled from behind right chair]
I just don't know what to do
I was all right 'til I fell in love with you--Eric G .
[Whispered from behind left chair]
"ba-ba ba-ba baby I love you"--Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A two-part cap that includes a few lines from the lead song on the often overlooked Dylan album, "Time Out of Mind." In an apparent reference to this contest, the song also says: "Well junk is piling up/ taking up space/ My eyes feel/ like they're falling off my face" The album, by the way, also includes the masterpiece "Cold Irons Bound" (check it out on You Tube), which I believe is the theme song of my life right now. Bottom line: If you are trying to stump me, try harder.)
"Aww c'mon. You BOTH caught a fish that long?"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted like a minute after the cartoon was posted on my blog shortly after 3 am. Rob's cap is not any good buy his dedication is not to be questioned.)
"Well, it seems you both agree on one thing: It's difficult to show your face at Citi Field these days." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Can we make this the last Met-bashing cap until pitchers and catchers next spring?)
"OK, now you put your right hand in, You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hoky Pokie
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:The last cap submitted before the judging was completed. Few people recall Bob Dylan's cover of this classic song. It was released along with out takes from Blonde on Blonde on an album simply titled "Dylan" [Not to be confused with his 1962 debut album "Bob Dylan"]. Columbia Records is said to have released the album to retaliate against Dylan's move to another label. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.)
"Mr. and Mrs. alinla, you can't say Mr. Radosh didn't warn you about this."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, far from warning us about anything, Daniel didn't even bother to tell me his was taking down his blog. When confronted via email he offered a "My bad." By the way, apart from being smart and pretty, Mrs. alinla is instrumental to the continuation of this contest. She long ago recognized that it keeps me quiet and gives me something to do.)
96 comments:
"Aww c'mon. You BOTH caught a fish that long?"
Rob
"You caught a big fish...The runner was safe...You plan to travel by plane...What then? What the fuck are you two trying to tell me?!?"
"You both seem trapped in the roles you've been playing."
"Now, puppet Maureen, why don't you turn to puppet Dave and tell him exactly what you just told me?"
"Damn it Jim and Sally, I can't keep this charade up. You both know I'm an engineer, not a marriage counsellor."
"So Judy, why don't you turn to Al and tell him how you feel when he keeps responding to every one of your upsets with some obscure fucking Bob Dylan reference?"
"On the contrary, there are many couples where the woman has no vagina and the man has no dick who are able to make the marriage work."
"Please don't stand on the chair backs."
Note on last week: Irony of ironies, "catnadz12" is actually my nom-de-Anti-Cap-Contest. so, yes, male.
"Wait a second...how would you even know that your husband smells like Miss Piggy's box?"
Tim H said...
"Look, Judy, you had to know when you married a guy named Punch that you were taking a chance."
"What I'm hearing you say is that you both are feeling manipulated."
---blw
"Have you tried sticking pins in them?"
dwilk
“If you just give it time, I am sure you both will grow into this relationship.”
---blw
"Trust me, this worked with my last six wives."
Rob
"Sorry, I left my sock puppet at home again."
"Dylan lyrics...more Dylan lyrics...even more Dylan lyrics."
"Everybody deserves a second chance."
"Apparently, both of you have Christ complexes."
Kathy H said...
"C'mon, you two. Don't be cross."
[Nod to Luke.]
If this is going to work, one of you will have to be the bigger person.
Jim Cavanaugh
“Now, I know you both feel there is no hope, but I’m asking you . . . now, I’m pleading with you, please . . . please don’t jump!!!”
---blw
“C’mon, man . . . step up and admit the obvious . . . she’s a doll!!!”
---blw
“Now, I want you both to look deep inside yourselves . . . and tell me, does somone else have a hand in this???”
---blw
"You both like being fisted...that's a start."
"Good! Divorces benefit from a chair and chair alike mentality." (oh, tell me you di-n't...oh, but I did)
Mets, Star Trek, Dylan... well, our time is up. As you can see, I have a few hang-ups.
Mary-Annette
"You're not in my chairs"
"No, James, Teresa, we have all the time in the world."
No, Mr. and Mrs. Bond, the hourly rates here are obscene; I expect you to reconcile.
Rocko
"I see you decided to 'marry Annette'"
-- Dex
"Okay now Marge, show me the places Roger refuses to touch you."
I suppose you're wondering why my desk is so free of clutter. No phone, computer, family photos . . .
= Optimus Sub-Prime
"Contrary to all the ad claims, penis enlargement does NOT solve marital problems- just ask my ex-wife."
Masks, maybe, but fuckin' puppets? I'm afraid you guys on your own. NEXT!
Is that a tear in your tiny, plastic eye, Mrs. Carruthers? And Mr. Carruthers, your chin is all aquiver. Just wrap your arms around each other, please! I can't take it anymore.
I don't care what he says, Mrs. Miller. You do NOT look fat in that dress.
I told you before, Mr. Jones, you cannot 'go commando' in this office, especially when you're not wearing slacks.
The fact that he can retain stiffness for long periods IS a good thing, isn't it, Mrs. Robbins?
University of Phoenix. It says right on the diploma.
- Roger Kaputnik
"Bravo! Oh, I do love Glee; the wheelchair bit was brilliant. But I can't really give you a discount for putting on a show."
Tim H said...
"Get out of my office! NOW!!!"
Please have a seat...all four of you.
Kathy H said...
"I must tell you, I left my puppet at home."
"So what you're trying to say is you both feel crucified in this relationship?"
"So what you are saying is you both feel crucified in this relationship?"
"So when you argue, you feel that she always gains the upper hand?" cta
"If you used more foreplay and less role play, I'm sure that would help."
I recommend large quantities of alcohol.
Ok, do you want to be six or do you want to have sex?
"In Russia, patients treat doctor (to a puppet show)."
Don't leave me hanging guys! What did GI Joe do next and how does Barbie fit into all this?
"Stop! Stop! This is a travesty on every level! (Oh, who am I kidding...I love it!")
"You call that conflict resolution?! I have a good mind to leap over this desk and squeeze the sawdust out of you!"
"...97..98..99..100. Here I come ready or not!"
Rob
"Now Bill, how do you think Marjorie felt when you called her a shrill, sexless puppet? And Marjorie, do you think it was fair to respond by saying his half centimeter penis doesn't satisfy you?"
"You Molinas are driving me up the fucking wall!"
dwilk
"Ok. Now that we've determined that your arms can embrace my throbbing erection, let's move on to some real conflict resolution!"
"You can't hide your finger dysplasia forever."
bentraverse
"Divorce? Given. More importantly, grow the fuck up!"
"There's no 'I' in 'Get the fuck outta here!'"
jazzy
"Welcome to the New Yorker, you two. But remember that puppet work is hard work, and ours are the roughest hand jobs in the industry."
"See? I told you. Your son is gay. Inviting him and his lover here was a terrible idea...You can stand up now. I don't think they're coming back."
Shut up, Old Man! I ain't goin' nowhere. Why don't you tell all these nice folks why you been duckin' me? Politics, man. This country want to keep me down. Keep everybody weak. They don't want me to have the title because I'm not a puppet like that fool up there.
"Abracadabra, they sit on my chair. Presto, change-o, and now they're aware! Hocus Pocus, I take them to bed. Magic is fun...when you're dead."
Kathy H said...
"Well, it seems you both agree on one thing: It's difficult to show your face at Citi Field these days."
Tim H said...
"Hey, you two are in luck. I specialize in crazy people."
Let's get this show on the road.
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to be a stand-up guy.
Rocko
"Hang in there, you two, because someday you'll find it...the rainbow connection; it's for lovers, and dreamers, and me."
"Can I at least watch your puppets dry hump?"
[Mumbled from behind right chair]
I just don't know what to do
I was all right 'til I fell in love with you
[Whispered from behind left chair]
"ba-ba ba-ba baby I love you"
You're both wrong. It's much bigger. My 3 o'clock clients can attest, once they finish me off under the desk.
"Well, we have to wrap up. I've got a 3 O'clock with Pinnochio and his girlfriend. Apparently, he's not lying to her enough during sex. Oops, you didn't hear that." -cta
"Dirk, why are you so threatened by Marion's puppet tears?"
"Aaaand times up. Best session yet! Expect a major breakthrough in 12 or so more sessions. That'll be $1,000 for today."
Kathy H said...
"Well, if you two are any indication, America Don't Got Talent."
Let's see if we can get our thumbs out of our asses today and make some progress.
Rocko
"I can still see you. You are right behind the chair."
Very cute, Mom and Dad. Now get the fuck out; I've got to earn enough to put you away.
Tim H said...
"Sticking those puppets up every five seconds and saying 'TA-DA!' isn't going to help anyone."
"All right, I believe you. George W. Bush was a puppet of the Carlyle Group. And this does what to make your marriage work?"
"In light of Facebook, Myspace, blogs, and Twitter, you're actually the closest, most-loving and almost-normal couple that I have ever met."
"Mr. and Mrs. alinla, you can't say Mr. Radosh didn't warn you about this."
"Oh, shoot, sorry guys. I left my therapist puppet home today."
"STIMULATE!!! I said stimulate each other."
dwilk
"What do you mean he gave you the clap?"
"But it sure do bother me to see my 'loved ones' turning into puppets."
"Ok, I'll make it an even 100."
Bette
"For next week's session, I'd like you to work on an interpretive mime piece. Shirley, you'll be trapped in a phone booth. Bob, you'll be walking through hurricane force winds as you try to rescue her. Fuck it, if you guys aren't going to resolve your differences I might as well be entertained."
My therapist wants me to stop treating you.
Jim Cavanaugh
"How long is your Dick's membership been out to see your clam?"
jazzy
"OK, now you put your right hand in, You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hoky Pokie
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!"
"Ms. Blankenship, please call security......Ms. Blankenship??"
Shop 20 million songs. The CC Witness is the only digital MP3 recorder/player that also has both AM and FM radio onboard. Now if they are on a painted bumper and your paint on your bumper is already peeling, do not try removing that one, better to leave that bumper sticker on there rather than pull more paint from the bumper.
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