Sunday, May 29, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #290

Note: This cartoon resonated with me for a number of reasons. The condo complex here in south Florida has much in common with a minimum security prison where white collar criminals are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise. There is a huge pool, tennis courts and a well appointed club house that plays recent movies twice a week.
It's also very hot and each day we get an early morning wake up call in the form of leaf blowers and other power tools used by grounds keepers. Why don't they do their work a few hours latter when it would be less likely to annoy me? Apparently these delicate flowers find it too hot. We don't have to stand for count in front of the condo and their is no obligatory jump suit, but I could relate to this cartoon. That's all I'm saying.
WINNERSFIRST PLACE"Hey, Bob Keeshan, Mr. Clean, the guards will give us three packs of ciggies each if you two go to town on Sweet-Polly Purebread. Oh and the graph shows an inverse correlation between debauchery and ciggies with the y-axis being ciggies and the x-axis tracing negative debauchery. and don't worry, Underdog's in solitary; Mr. Green Jeans is dead; and, Mr. Clean has no people." --Wormy R. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A meandering and bizarre cap centered around several pop icons, including a personal favorite, Bozo The Clown Captain. Kangaroo. While we tend to favor entrys that are much shorter and a bit more coherent, it's been a while since a cap won based almost entirely on the effort. Yes, I realize this is like letting a fat girl with Down Syndrome win Homecoming Queen. Sometimes it's the thing to do.)SECOND PLACEOne more quarter like this, Jenkins, and I'll have you shanked. --Lawrence Wood (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A good blend of real life corporate culture and prison terminology. Most Anti-Capper would have trotted out "gang raped" instead of "shanked." Either way. )
THIRD PLACEENRON post coital meeting. --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very topical--if the year is 2001. This reminds us that the execs at Enron fucked a lot of people over and were sent to jail. It was head-turning until a plucky nebbish out of Queens named Bernie made them look like a bunch of amateurs.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS"We're looking at life imprisonment with no chance of payroll."--Malkmus (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bland and unspectacular but not without its mild charm--like any other stupid pun.)


"..and this graph shows the funniness of each subsequent prison rape joke.."--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Predictably, the prison setting gave rise to a series of rape gags each, more predictable than the next. Nice job guys.)
"In summary, I think it's safe to say that your worst day working is still better than your best day getting brutally ass-raped in prison." --Hal Full (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This assumes a lot. What if your job is something unspeakably horrible like playing for the Red Sox or working as a cartoonist for the New Yorker? And what if you're on the down-low and like it rough with an inter-racial flavor? Please don't ram you puritanical values down our throats, Hal. That's all I ask. )
... demonstrating a waste of taxpayer dollars on rehabilitation when anal rape is more effective in reducing recidivism.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, first off, there really is no need to specify "anal" rape. What's more maddening is your use of a well established institution like prison rape to advance a short-sighted and illogical premise. You only have prison rape if you have prisons, and you only have prisons if the masses go to work and pay taxes because they live in fear of going to prison and being raped. Did that not occur to you?)
"According to this chart, the hours here are obscene. I suspect this is primarily due to all the rape." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A heavy-handed and somewhat lazy entry inspired by an Anti-Cap classic.)
"And this shows the decline in entries since Al has been in Florida." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The precipitous erosion of interest is being addressed as we speak. Travel tip: If you are asked to choose between Summer in Florida and Winter in Siberia, opt for the latter. Trust me on this one.)
Interesting entries–it's been fun reading them. Although I haven't seen one yet that's similar to what I wrote for the cartoon (I'm the cartoonist and haven't shown anyone the punch line including the New Yorker editors).Bob
www.bobeckstein.com-- Snowman Expert
"Great news, folks! Bob Eckstein will be joining us!" --Tim H
I want in! (after the contest I'd like to share the real caption) --Snowman Expert (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My first instinct was to say "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!" but I guess we can use some new blood around here. Find a place for your bed-roll, Bob, and get yourself a plate of beans. We'll talk more after you settle in. As as for you Tim, that better be sarcasm mister, or I wouldn't want to be you after lights out.)

That Bob Eckstein was a great piece of ass. As you can see, consensual sexual contact between same-sex inmates is on the decline since his parole.--Bubba (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hush now, Bubba! That's enough! We don't want to scare our new friend away, do we? Pay him no mind Bobby--you don't object to me callin' you Bobby, do ya?)
"This stock chart indicates that it's no time to sell, mates. Oh, I didn't even think about that until I just said it, but you all get it right, you are my cellmates and then I said sell mates and those words are homophones which are words that sound alike but have different meanings not to be confused with homonyms which are...." --Homonymous Bosch (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And your point? A long way to go for a very modest pay off. Apparently the word "funny" has a different meaning for you. )Remember the Shawshank Redemption? That's what being in Florida is like for me ... because I'm really in prison, not taking care of my dad. Now, since I've been here, the number of captions has declined. I've had to give JohnnyB a first and second place. Let's pick it up people or I'll have to start taking entries over 25 words. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnnny, proves you can simultaneously be narcissistic, self loathing and very unfunny, I understand you're a man who knows how to get things--so why not get a clue?)
"And this shows the decline in entries since Al has been in Florida." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, and? This cap needs some type of hook or pay off. Even freakin Johnny knows that. )
This graph, showing alinla's annual gross income peaking in the 11th grade, is no doubt tied to his apparent inability to master even rudimentary multi-tasking. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: These days, multi-tasking means getting through another day without allowing my head to explode. Thanks for playing, you insensitive lout.)

61 comments:

JohnnyB said...

I've graphed Jerry's self-identity as a heterosexual male over the time that we have been repeatedly raping him. Nice skirt, by the way, Jerry.

Satireguy said...

"As you can see, we should be sprung by the third quarter."

Richard Hine said...

"As you can see, we began to lose the confidence of investors right around the day we were arrested"

Glenn said...

"Because you are white collar criminals, you'll actually be staying here, at the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obisbo. Spa, waterfall, and you have got to see the urinal in the mens bathroom!"

Shelly said...

"Dabney, Sally Jesse, Moby: you'll be getting out when the public actually cares."

Austin said...

If you'll notice this squiggly line here, I can scratch my balls.

Tim H said...

"Oh, damn! I forgot my cell phone!"

Anonymouse said...

[Note to Puterschein re Contest #286: Judge alinla mistakenly credited me with your bin Laden comment. For the record, it's all yours.]

Anonymous said...

Gotcha, Anonymouse. No big deal, but thanks for being considerate nonetheless.

Puterschein

Kathy H said...

Jerry, Kramer, Elaine and George manage to annoy their jailers enough to extend their one-year sentences to 13 years, and counting.

Wormy R. said...

"Hey, Bob Keeshan, Mr. Clean, the guards will give us three packs of ciggies each if you two go to town on Sweet-Polly Purebread. Oh and the graph shows an inverse correlation between debauchery and ciggies with the y-axis being ciggies and the x-axis tracing negative debauchery. and don't worry, Underdog's in solitary; Mr. Green Jeans is dead; and, Mr. Clean has no people."

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Mike Mariano said...

"I can't believe they let me have this pointer. I can file this baby down and shank anybody I want! I can shank the three of you!"

CEOw said...

"Hello, and thank you all for being here. Let's get started. As you can see, the Q3 numbers are...oh, who am I kidding? Get the lube?"

Dr Sumguy said...

ENRON post coital meeting.

Anonymous said...

Dick and Scooter aren't with us, but they sent this flow chart to remind you that shit rolls downhill.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

... demonstrating a waste of taxpayer dollars on rehabilitation when anal rape is more effective in reducing recidivism.

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

Remember the Shawshank Redemption? That's what being in Florida is like for me ... because I'm really in prison, not taking care of my dad. Now, since I've been here, the number of captions has declined. I've had to give JohnnyB a first and second place. Let's pick it up people or I'll have to start taking entries over 25 words.

Kathy H said...

"At this point, we'd even take one of Kathy H's links to get us the hell out of here!"

Glenn said...

"Here are our goals for the percentage of prisoners that are minorities for the next 5 years."

Art Jensen said...

"Hey everybody, I've had the conference room remodeled by a recently-released yegg. He said something like, 'Out there's the cage, man, where the government propagates fear and hate to stifle freedom under the auspices of preserving it.' Astounded, all I could say was 'shut the fuck up and finish the conference room."

Homonymous Bosch said...

"This stock chart indicates that it's no time to sell, mates. Oh, I didn't even think about that until I just said it, but you all get it right, you are my cellmates and then I said sell mates and those words are homophones which are words that sound alike but have different meanings not to be confused with homonyms which are...."

cta said...

"..and this clearly-- All right, whose cell phone is ringing?"

cta said...

"Don't worry about our fraudulent financial practices. I've made a phone call and the government is coming to bail us out."

boneguy said...

Remember Shirley in the fifth grade when you were voted most likely to succeed? Who would of thought that it would be in the world's first co-ed prison?

smuck said...

"According to this chart, the hours here are obscene. I suspect this is primarily due to all the rape."

Satireguy said...

"And this shows the decline in entries since Al has been in Florida."

Satireguy said...

"And this is where we fucked up and got caught."

Satireguy said...

"Of course the drop in earnings might be explained by the fact that we're all in prison."

smuck said...

"EBITDA last quarter was down to a mere 14.75 cigarettes. And once you factor in interest, the situation is even more grim."

Edward M Schupp said...

We're down eighteen cigarettes and two skin mags. How come “the smartest guys in the room” can’t run a hustle?

Of course, after we loot the prison economy we’ll need an exit strategy.

Pruno production is down since the whole block got put on shit watch.

We need someone with access to the Ding Wing to ask the Fearless Leader how to turn this around.

cta said...

"..that's my forecast, and as you know, I stand behind my convictions!"

Anonymous said...

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your telekinetic powers only work on this easel."

Rob

Hal Full said...

"In summary, I think it's safe to say that your worst day working is still better than your best day getting brutally ass-raped in prison."

cta said...

"..and this graph shows the funniness of each subsequent prison rape joke.."

Suess said...

I was raping my way to a rape when a rapist raped me rapaciously. rape, rape, rape.

Snowman Expert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Snowman Expert said...

Interesting entries–it's been fun reading them. Although I haven't seen one yet that's similar to what I wrote for the cartoon (I'm the cartoonist and haven't shown anyone the punchline including the New Yorker editors).
Bob
www.bobeckstein.com

Tim H said...

"Great news, folks! Bob Eckstein will be joining us!"

Snowman Expert said...

I want in!

(after the contest I'd like to share the real caption)

Welcome Bob! said...

"First one of you to bob my eckstein gets to be Chief Operating Officer for the day"

P.S. Josh Groban called and he wants his head back.

The Donneled said...

"We'll be out of here this afternoon; I keisterd in my "Key Man" insurance policy."

Tad bit anal, angry CEO said...

"How many goddam times to I have to say this? All graphs are supposed to be printed in landscape. IDIOTS!!"

Anonymous said...

That Bob Eckstein was a great piece of ass. As you can see, consentual sexual contact between same-sex inmates is on the decline since his parole.

Bubba

smuck said...

"I was conducting a symphony, with a baton like this, when out of nowhere, some guy throws a fucking presentation easel at me, like that. So I stabbed him."

Austin said...

We never should have left Shea Stadium.

Anonymous said...

Yo Bob Eckstein. What's with the easel? It has no lower right leg and the top parts don't line up with the bottom parts.....and while I'm at it, there's no floor/wall line definition, and even if the inmates had a key it wouldn't open the door because there isn't one!

picky picky

Lawrence Wood said...

We call this "dropping the soap."

Lawrence Wood said...

One more quarter like this, Jenkins, and I'll have you shanked.

boneguy said...

Mel, that's not the quantitative easing I think we all know I was referring to.

boneguy said...

This graph, showing alinla's annual gross income peaking in the 11th grade, is no doubt tied to his apparent inability to master even rudimentary multi-tasking.

Anonymous said...

"We're looking at life imprisonment with no chance of payroll."

Malkmus

Gary P said...

"This is how much I like you right now. Look at me, you two!"

Snowman Expert said...

I really like this one by Gary P.

Bob's Evil Twin said...

"Don't worry, Bob, you'll be disbarred soon enough."

"No more wisecracks out of you, Bob."

David Martin said...

"And this is the trend in corporate bankruptcies since we ended up in here."

Richard Hine said...

This is what Paul Ryan calls Premium Support. But as you can see, by year 5, it's what most people would call a Worthless Fucking Voucher

Anonymous said...

"Going forward we'll have to confine our insider trading to stamps for cigarettes."

Malkmus

Dr Sumguy said...

"According to this graph Mary Jane, your ass isn't even on the line!"

Bail E. Abeltoofohcuss said...

"Al, pay attention. This graft is to help you, in particular, learn to dissect the anti-caps you occacionally don't get, yet judge so harshly.

al(ice)inla, you WILL help your husband in this endeavor, won't you?

And you, Mr. Radosh, are you still with us?

By the way, al, I'll let the Mrs. sleep in your bunk tonight for 18 cartons of cigarettes and a cell phone."

Satireguy said...

"He says he no longer holds a grudge about you sleeping with his wife."

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.