Monday, June 6, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #291

LATEST UPDATE: This IS going to be a two-week contest. Everyone should feel free to add more captions for this cartoon. If any of the new ones are really good, they will be shoehorned into the winner's circle.

NOTE: Remarkably enough, these winners are being posted on Sunday. It has been a while since I have been able to offer that level of service. Given my slipshod work ethic and busy schedule it is no small accomplishment.
As regular readers (and most certainly Mrs. al in la) know. I am in Florida staying with my dad. In mid- April he lost the woman he was living with (my mom passed in 2002). He stopped taking his meds and was heavily depressed--resulting in a serious health crisis. My sister came down to help out for a week, but had to return to her job. I was recruited to come here to hang with him and keep him company. Mostly we go to topless bars doctor's appointments and I make sure he gets good and drunk his meds every day.
The goal is to find him an assisted living accommodation that meets his needs. I am eager to return home but there will be great sadness when I say goodbye. While here, I bought a digital camera at Wal-Mart and have made a few vids. They are pretty boring, but one day I will watch and fondly recall the two months when al in la became al in fla. Thanks for your patience and support

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Visiting teams dreaded free slingshot night at Campbell Field.--Edward M Schupp (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A narrative cap that is dumb yet somewhat funny. Campbell Field is an honest-to-goodness minor league ballpark and they do tend to have outrageous stunts in the minors to draw fan interest. [I heard one team paid tribute to all time great catchers with K-Y Jelly night.] Ed could have gone with "throw-rocks-at-the-opposing-team-night." Also, there was no reason to specify that the slingshots were "free"--that was overkill. )

SECOND PLACE"Oh crap, I didn't know I was playing in a fantasy baseball league." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice little touch of irony. I remember playing a video hockey game with my nephews a while back and was amazed to learn that you could turn the players into monsters and aliens if you wanted. That's in case the real life video game hockey isn't interesting enough. That's just how fantasies work.)
THIRD PLACE
"No Balls"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is the first person to realize that "balls" can also refer to a man's scrotum, which is widely seen as a representation of his courage. Hence, a batter who wears a suit of armor must lack courage, or "balls," if you like. Since baseball is played using balls, this is a humorous pun. Reminds me of a joke that infuriated the nuns in my grade school: Q: What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this. Thank god we're at Fenway."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe black people tend to enjoy baseball when it is played in a real ballpark. Nice use of a quasi-classic to ridicule the last MLB team to integrate In fairness, many of the vendors at Fenway are black.)



"I'm sure glad there are no smart people here to see this. Thank God we're at Yankee Stadium."--Eric (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted immediately after the above cap. It's like Damon came up with a cap that combines stinging social commentary with razor sharp wit and Eric fired back: "Oh yeah! Well you're a stupid head." I always felt Red Sox fans where a bunch of ill-mannered simpletons. Thanks for making my case for me Eric.)
Yanks hit Ortiz once, once, in 600 at bats - Jeter, 24 times, Arod, 19 times. What a pansy. --Steiny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We get your point. Quick story: Back on Staten Island, I was a pitcher who didn't hit very well--and the other teams knew it. In one game, with two outs and a man on first, the other team issued two intentional walks to get to me. I was immediately hit by a pitch, driving in a run. The manager for the other team must have argued for 20 minutes that I didn't try to get out of the way. He was right, of course. Didn't matter.)
"You're a real pussy, batter. Minnie Minoso and Ron Hunt wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit."-- Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While I vowed to stop picking caps just to show my esoteric knowledge of useless info, I couldn't help myself. I fondly recall ex-Met (and Expo) Ron Hunt hogging the plate and getting plunked again and again. There was a rumor that under his uniform he worn the top of a scuba-diver's suit. And who can forget Cab Calloway's classic, "Minnie the Moocher?")
"Are you, like, not familiar with rule 1.11f? No polished metal, dipshit."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good little insider cap. If pitchers can not wear shiny objects around their neck, why doesn't that same rule apply to batters. That's what Glenn wants to know.)
Never thought the owners would go to such great lengths to enforce the new 'no fondling your balls at the plate' rule. Guess I should stop fondling mine. Soon.--Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No such rule exists--not in baseball and not in life. And athletes don't fondle. They adjust. I don't mean to sound defensive, but I don't want this type of rule to gain traction--no man does.)

You're not supposed to be here; this is a day game. --JohnnyBFirst knight game at Wrigley Field --Glenn"It's a beautiful day for a Knight game!" --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let's dispose of these at once: All three suck. Johnny's is the worst, of course. He declined to use the word "knight," trying instead for the thinking person's approach to anti-capping [Want proof? Note the pretentious semi-colon.] "Let them figure it out," Johnny said to himself with a self satisfied smirk.)

With a cartoon to be forever-known by the name, "Black as Knight", the New Yorker evolves just enough to allow an African-American into a cartoon, albeit hidden by armor, wielding a bat, and stereotypically playing sports.-- Irma Koldcokawitz (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Irma has her way with the 25-word rule, but this has merit. Like the trio of "Knight Caps" [Get it? "KNIGHT caps?"], Irma recognized that "night" and "knight" are homophones [Note to Red Sox fans, that means they are pronounced the same but differ in meaning. Sorry Eric, it has nothing to do with gay sex.] Unlike the previous entries from Johnny, Glenn and Blonde, this one shows some--what's the word?--creativity.)
"You're like the un-Natural, and your bat's name is faggot-pants." --Hobbs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Roy Hobbs, of course, played for the NY Knights and his bat was named Little Roy Wonder Boy. This is also a subtle pun, but much better than Johnny's. "The Natural" is my second favorite baseball film [after Bull Durham] and stars one of my favorite actors: Wilford Brimley.)
"What the hell, I mean, maybe they won't notice that the ump and me are wearing women's shoes." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, they do look like woman's shoes, but how do we know they are not women? This could be one of those fast-pitch softball games. And shouldn't it be "the ump and I?" I charge Gary with sexism and, even worse, bad grammar If he he is trying to make a point about how lazy New Yorker cartoonists can be, I'm on board with that.)

In a break from tradition, Mrs. A. Weiner throws the ceremonial first pitch to her husband.
(17 minutes later) In a break from tradition, Huma Abedin throws the ceremonial first pitch to her husband who is A Weiner. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It took bonner guy 17 minutes to realize the embattled congressman's wife probably does not go by Mrs. Weiner--[Granted, she has a bun in the oven. But still.] Also, any divorce lawyer will tell you, taking the creep for every penny he is worth is a far more effective approach than chin music.)

"Swing Batty, you protected batsard; how hits error you?" --Anguish Languish (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach. This, believe it or not, i s a riff on "Fusilli you crazy bastard. How are you?" I appreciate the effort if not the out come.)

"No Mr. Bonds, I expect you to stay retired." --Namby (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, he never formally retired. The Giants effectively cut him and no team offered him a spot. As befitting the most hated man in baseball, in the twilight of his career Bonds wore all manner of protective equipment during each at bat. He had to.)
"Pickelhaube helmet, huh? How's the Kaiser these days?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For what it's worth, the helmet is historically inaccurate. Nice catch, Glenn.)
You don't look ridiculous at all. Jim Cavanaugh and and Johnny B. wear the exact same get-up when they're getting the anti-cap contest results.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, you are so stupid and ugly. How did you get to be so stupid and ugly? I'll bet you're a big Red Sox fan. Besides, I always assumed you and Johnny wore chaps, nipple claps and ball gags when you read these. Note to the rest of you: Don't worry, he likes the abuse. Good use of "get-up" by the way.)

"We've been waiting since the Middle Ages for anti-cap win...er, this pitch." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I had to use the rosin bag, check the sign, spit, adjust [not fondle] my crotch, lean in, throw over to first, check the sign again, mop my brow, spit again...My point is this: Pitchers and Anti-Cap judges have a lot to do before they make their delivery.)
Mock me all you want, al, but count the number of words used by the last winning anti-capper, capper, CAPPER SWING! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, like I need your permission? As if! Remember JB, an astute observation is not the same as mockery. And try as you might, you will never get me to take my eye off the -- wait a sec, there's a funny dog food commercial on TV -- ball.)
"Batting won't be a problem;;; I have a breakfast meeting with A NET, irregardless. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay, okay, now I get it. Annette sounds like "a net." The guy being shot from the cannon will land in a net. I admit I am a little embarrassed, but initially I thought someone was poking fun at the beloved actress Annette Funicello, so I am also relieved.)

118 comments:

NAMBY said...

AT&T Park PA Announcer: "Now batting for the Marlins, No. 33, Scott Cousins."

David said...

"It looks like the Mets' training staff has finally found a way to keep players off the DL"

Damon said...

"We've been waiting since the Middle Ages for anti-cap win...er, this pitch."

Damon said...

"Is it true that your wife is a medieval cock whore? I hear she likes the lance a lot. STRIKE ONE!"

Mike Mariano said...

"Behold, Excalibat! He who wields it shall never be questioned about his steroid usage."

Damon said...

"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this. Thank god we're at Fenway."

Anonymous said...

"I'm sure glad there are no smart people here to see this. Thank God we're at Yankee Stadium."

Eric

Anonymous said...

"I'm sure glad there are only gay people here to see this. Thank God we're at AT+T Park."

Anonymous said...

"Now batting...Bob's little brother, David Eckstein. (also gay)

JohnnyB said...

You're not supposed to be here; this is a day game.

JohnnyB said...

Armor? I hardly know 'er!

JohnnyB said...

Get back in the radio booth, Ray.

Rex said...

"Yes, Chris Matthews asks tough questions, but it really is starting to look like you have something to hide, Congressman Weiner."

David Martin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Satireguy said...

"Didn't you used to pinch hit for the Mets?"

Sam Antic said...

"Batting won't be a problem;;; I have a breakfast meeting with A NET, irregardless. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan"

Anguish Languish said...

"Swing Batty, you protected batsard; how hits error you?"

Anonymous said...

"Hey Berkman, I hear you like to be called "Lance" a lot."

Anonymous said...

"I'm sure glad there are no people here to see this. Thank God we're at Sun Life Stadium."

Manny

Anonymous said...

"You can hide but you can't hit, Jeter."


Tank

Anonymous said...

"Yeah? Well try catching the ball with a bedpan."

Malkmus

2002 said...

Hey Kruk, you finally ready to face another Randy Johnson fastball; Pussy!

Glenn said...

First knight game at Wrigley Field

Lasorda kidding said...

I'm sure glad there are only latinos who snuck into this country illegally to see this. Thank God were at dodger stadium in Chavez ravine!

Anonymous said...

Must be Bob Eckstein behind the plate today. He likes to catch.

Anonymous said...

"No Balls"

Jim Cavanaugh

Namby said...

"No Mr. Bonds, I expect you to stay retired."

Anonymous said...

"Jewish mother?"

Shelly said...

"No way that molecule is benzene, you idiot. Any asswipe knows that the diagram is 1,3-cyclopentadiene. Man, you're dumber than a 5th grade little-leaguer."

Anonymous said...

"What the fuck do you think this is—Ash Wednesday?"

Malkmus

Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed by King Arthur.

Satireguy said...

Although seldom injured, Ironman McGee had trouble hitting the low ball.

Anonymous said...

"Good luck trying to swing with just your right hand, Lancy lot."

LR said...

"Psst...I know why the ump has a huge chest protector- he's got a glory hole in there."

E.M. said...

Please leave my sweet Bobby alone. He's a terrific little guy and should not be teased by anyone anymore. Signed, Eckstien's Mother

Kitt said...

"Are you dressed like that because Hasselhoff sang the national anthem? Way to go, queerbait."

Austin said...

Cal Ripken, Jr. at an old-timers game.

Austin said...

Cal Ripken, Jr. at an old-timers game.

Glenn said...

"Pickelhaube helmet, huh? How's the Kaiser these days?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hey Jeter, you just dropped your gonad shield!"

Anonymous said...

That would require him having gonads

Blonde said...

"It's a beautiful day for a Knight game!"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, you're getting tasset approval from our acey deucey ump."

Jess said...

Former Met and six-time MLB all star, Jim Fregosi, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

boneguy said...

In a break from tradition, Mrs. A. Weiner throws the ceremonial first pitch to her husband.

boneguy said...

In a break from tradition, Huma Abedin throws the ceremonial first pitch to her husband who is A Weiner.

Anonymous said...

"I heard you got to second base with your wife last night."

Mr. Creedy

JohnnyB said...

Mock me all you want, al, but count the number of words used by the last winning anti-capper, capper, CAPPER SWING!

smuck said...

"Ni!"

cta said...

"So, for 2012 you're trying to get baseball added as an Olympic metal sport?"

cta said...

"That new uniform just begs the quest you're on."

Sam Antics said...

"It's called UNDER Armour, you pussy."

Blonde said...

He might be able to clobber that low and inside pitch but his base running really sucks!!!

Blonde said...

"STRIKE?" Surely you joust-!"

Anonymous said...

I didn't wear any protection when I was with your wife last night.

Jim Cavanaugh

Eric G said...

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Unwieldy said...

"His balls are curved."

Anonymous said...

"Have you considered accounting?"

F the Real Contest said...

"This at bat will become the stuff of legends."

- Roger Ebert

Shelly said...

"Eh batter, this pitch is gonna blow by you just like your fair damsel blew me, batter!"

Ump: "Strike one!"

"You better take this one, batter, just like I took her maidenhood last night."

Ump: "Strike two!"

"Now swing batter, just like her sweet breasts swung across my..."

Ump: "Stee-rike three- thou arst outta here!"

Glenn said...

"Are you, like, not familiar with rule 1.11f? No polished metal, dipshit."

boneguy said...

Hey Arthur, check out Lancelot getting to third base with Guinevere!

Walt said...

Never thought the owners would go to such great lengths to enforce the new 'no fondling your balls at the plate' rule. Guess I should stop fondling mine. Soon.

Dr Sumguy said...

Lions 6, Crusaders 0.

Dr Sumguy said...

Lions 6, Gladiators 0.

Anonymous said...

"Hey, it's none of my beeswax and I am on the opposing team, but have you given any thought to how much your bat speed would improve if you didn't wear armor? I mean you'd probably get around a whole heck of a lot quicker on fastballs. Just saying."

Anonymous said...

"Oh, come on, if you get on, just try to steal second. Do it for me. Pleeeeaaaaassse?!"

Dr Sumguy said...

3-2 Count. The catcher signals for a plea bargain.

Irma Koldcokawitz said...

With a cartoon to be forever-known by the name, "Black as Knight", the New Yorker evolves just enough to allow an African-American into a cartoon, albeit hidden by armor, wielding a bat, and stereotypically playing sports.

Anonymous said...

Pitching for the Connecticut Yankees - Mark "The Trebuchet", Twain."

Gary P said...

"What the hell, I mean, maybe they won't notice that the ump and me are wearing women's shoes."

Anonymous said...

"Hey Bob Keeshan, when do you plan on reprising your role as Captain KangaBozo?"

Dr Sumguy said...

3-2 Count. Billy Bean signals for a plie bargain.

cta said...

"Oh crap, I didn't know I was playing in a fantasy baseball league."

cta said...

"I don't know how you can play with that outfit! What made you sign with the Yankees, anyway?"

Eric G said...

You think this is hot, you should try Florida in June...

Eric G said...

Len Dykstra, I know it's you in there. You owe me $100, you deadbeat.

Rex said...

"And if you do get to first, then what?"

Austin said...

You're right, the safety rules in Little League do go a bit too far sometimes.

Snowman Expert said...

"Build a medieval-theme restaurant slash ballpark and they will come."

Snowman Expert said...

"This is Baseball, Fuckface, not Assball." Signed Eckstein's mom

Edward M Schupp said...

Corporate names for stadiums opened the door for branded players and Blue Knight Armored Car was a pioneering sponsor.

After his ’86 World Series error, Bill Buckner was a little apprehensive about his return to Fenway Park for the 1987 home opener.

Visiting teams dreaded free slingshot night at Campbell Field.

Their front office thinks this kid in the shiny suit can save the franchise.

Steiny said...

Yanks hit Ortiz once, once, in 600 at bats - Jeter, 24 times, Arod, 19 times. What a pansy.

murphy said...

did your blue shild coverage run out ? that one looks iron gay-colored.

Glenn said...

"Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts. If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts."

Glenn said...

"Hey Bamm-Bamm, is Pebbles still a hottie?"

Anonymous said...

"Too weak."

Satireguy said...

"You're a real pussy, batter. Minnie Minoso and Ron Hunt wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit."

Anonymous said...

Back up, this guy's got a cannon for an arm.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

You don't look ridiculous at all. Jim Cavanaugh and and Johnny B. wear the exact same get-up when they're getting the anti-cap contest results.

Jim Cavanaugh

smuck said...

"This plate sucks."

Anonymous said...

The catcher is putting down two fingers, the signal for an armor-piercing bullet.


Jim Cavanaugh

Richard H said...

"How long have you been playing maceball?"

Steve_O said...

"It was court ordered to prevent him from sexting pictures of his junk."

Hobbs said...

"You're like the un-Natural, and your bat's name is faggot-pants."

Tim H is Ernie B in "The Ernie B Story" said...

"Let's play two...weeks!"

Anonymous said...

What do you think "Too weak" meant, asshole!

JohnnyB said...

You do realize you can look at the due date for caption submissions on the NYer contest and figure out that it's two weeks, right, al?

Kathy H said...

"Time! Where's my shoehorn?"

Anonymouse said...

Sunday, June 19, marks the 165th anniversary of the first organized baseball game at the Elysian Fields in Hoboken, NJ. What this has to do with this cartoon is anybody's guess.

Anonymous said...

You look a little rusty.

Jim Cavanaugh

#2 McGinnis said...

"Hey, Florence Knightengale, show me your tit-tays."

Anonymous said...

"I've never seen him hit a bat yet."

pepper

Anonymous said...

At last ... the first openly gay major leaguer.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"From this angle, it looks like you might want to adjust thy loins."

-- Dex

Tim Porallobe said...

"Hey, this next pitch is aimed right at your knight's templar."

Anonymous said...

No, Mr. Bonds, I expect you to deny everything.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

“That last guy was clocked at 100 miles an hour.”

Thomas

Gary P said...

Now why in the hell would a tabacco-chawin' baseballer use subject-verb agreement and say "the ump and I are wearing women's shoes"? Oh yeah - this is the faux New Yorker.

Carol Lou Ellen said...

Alinla, your "walk him and pitch to the giraffe" joke actually has a caption-contest pedigree. Charlie Nesson's wife, Fern, won a caption contest with the joke (not sure what publication it was). Charlie Nesson is an . . . eccentric professor at Harvard Law School.

Carol Lou Ellen said...

"Now if only we had a wholly Roman umpire."

Carol Lou Ellen said...

(alt: "You really miss the Holy Roman Umpire, don't you?")

cta said...

"Just let Morganna kiss you, already!"

Tim H said...

This cartoon is too militaristic. Home plate looks too much like the Pentagon.

Anonymous said...

Ray fucking Knight! alinla sends his undying love, man.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Quit hitting 'em in the hands, Tebow!"

Ron

Glenn said...

"Let's walk him and pitch to the golden calf."

Satireguy said...

"I'm just saying; you could probably lose the cup and the jock strap."

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.