The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #291

LATEST UPDATE: This IS going to be a two-week contest. Everyone should feel free to add more captions for this cartoon. If any of the new ones are really good, they will be shoehorned into the winner's circle.

NOTE: Remarkably enough, these winners are being posted on Sunday. It has been a while since I have been able to offer that level of service. Given my slipshod work ethic and busy schedule it is no small accomplishment.
As regular readers (and most certainly Mrs. al in la) know. I am in Florida staying with my dad. In mid- April he lost the woman he was living with (my mom passed in 2002). He stopped taking his meds and was heavily depressed--resulting in a serious health crisis. My sister came down to help out for a week, but had to return to her job. I was recruited to come here to hang with him and keep him company. Mostly we go to topless bars doctor's appointments and I make sure he gets good and drunk his meds every day.
The goal is to find him an assisted living accommodation that meets his needs. I am eager to return home but there will be great sadness when I say goodbye. While here, I bought a digital camera at Wal-Mart and have made a few vids. They are pretty boring, but one day I will watch and fondly recall the two months when al in la became al in fla. Thanks for your patience and support

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Visiting teams dreaded free slingshot night at Campbell Field.--Edward M Schupp (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A narrative cap that is dumb yet somewhat funny. Campbell Field is an honest-to-goodness minor league ballpark and they do tend to have outrageous stunts in the minors to draw fan interest. [I heard one team paid tribute to all time great catchers with K-Y Jelly night.] Ed could have gone with "throw-rocks-at-the-opposing-team-night." Also, there was no reason to specify that the slingshots were "free"--that was overkill. )

SECOND PLACE"Oh crap, I didn't know I was playing in a fantasy baseball league." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice little touch of irony. I remember playing a video hockey game with my nephews a while back and was amazed to learn that you could turn the players into monsters and aliens if you wanted. That's in case the real life video game hockey isn't interesting enough. That's just how fantasies work.)
THIRD PLACE
"No Balls"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is the first person to realize that "balls" can also refer to a man's scrotum, which is widely seen as a representation of his courage. Hence, a batter who wears a suit of armor must lack courage, or "balls," if you like. Since baseball is played using balls, this is a humorous pun. Reminds me of a joke that infuriated the nuns in my grade school: Q: What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this. Thank god we're at Fenway."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe black people tend to enjoy baseball when it is played in a real ballpark. Nice use of a quasi-classic to ridicule the last MLB team to integrate In fairness, many of the vendors at Fenway are black.)



"I'm sure glad there are no smart people here to see this. Thank God we're at Yankee Stadium."--Eric (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted immediately after the above cap. It's like Damon came up with a cap that combines stinging social commentary with razor sharp wit and Eric fired back: "Oh yeah! Well you're a stupid head." I always felt Red Sox fans where a bunch of ill-mannered simpletons. Thanks for making my case for me Eric.)
Yanks hit Ortiz once, once, in 600 at bats - Jeter, 24 times, Arod, 19 times. What a pansy. --Steiny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We get your point. Quick story: Back on Staten Island, I was a pitcher who didn't hit very well--and the other teams knew it. In one game, with two outs and a man on first, the other team issued two intentional walks to get to me. I was immediately hit by a pitch, driving in a run. The manager for the other team must have argued for 20 minutes that I didn't try to get out of the way. He was right, of course. Didn't matter.)
"You're a real pussy, batter. Minnie Minoso and Ron Hunt wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit."-- Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While I vowed to stop picking caps just to show my esoteric knowledge of useless info, I couldn't help myself. I fondly recall ex-Met (and Expo) Ron Hunt hogging the plate and getting plunked again and again. There was a rumor that under his uniform he worn the top of a scuba-diver's suit. And who can forget Cab Calloway's classic, "Minnie the Moocher?")
"Are you, like, not familiar with rule 1.11f? No polished metal, dipshit."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good little insider cap. If pitchers can not wear shiny objects around their neck, why doesn't that same rule apply to batters. That's what Glenn wants to know.)
Never thought the owners would go to such great lengths to enforce the new 'no fondling your balls at the plate' rule. Guess I should stop fondling mine. Soon.--Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No such rule exists--not in baseball and not in life. And athletes don't fondle. They adjust. I don't mean to sound defensive, but I don't want this type of rule to gain traction--no man does.)

You're not supposed to be here; this is a day game. --JohnnyBFirst knight game at Wrigley Field --Glenn"It's a beautiful day for a Knight game!" --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let's dispose of these at once: All three suck. Johnny's is the worst, of course. He declined to use the word "knight," trying instead for the thinking person's approach to anti-capping [Want proof? Note the pretentious semi-colon.] "Let them figure it out," Johnny said to himself with a self satisfied smirk.)

With a cartoon to be forever-known by the name, "Black as Knight", the New Yorker evolves just enough to allow an African-American into a cartoon, albeit hidden by armor, wielding a bat, and stereotypically playing sports.-- Irma Koldcokawitz (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Irma has her way with the 25-word rule, but this has merit. Like the trio of "Knight Caps" [Get it? "KNIGHT caps?"], Irma recognized that "night" and "knight" are homophones [Note to Red Sox fans, that means they are pronounced the same but differ in meaning. Sorry Eric, it has nothing to do with gay sex.] Unlike the previous entries from Johnny, Glenn and Blonde, this one shows some--what's the word?--creativity.)
"You're like the un-Natural, and your bat's name is faggot-pants." --Hobbs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Roy Hobbs, of course, played for the NY Knights and his bat was named Little Roy Wonder Boy. This is also a subtle pun, but much better than Johnny's. "The Natural" is my second favorite baseball film [after Bull Durham] and stars one of my favorite actors: Wilford Brimley.)
"What the hell, I mean, maybe they won't notice that the ump and me are wearing women's shoes." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, they do look like woman's shoes, but how do we know they are not women? This could be one of those fast-pitch softball games. And shouldn't it be "the ump and I?" I charge Gary with sexism and, even worse, bad grammar If he he is trying to make a point about how lazy New Yorker cartoonists can be, I'm on board with that.)

In a break from tradition, Mrs. A. Weiner throws the ceremonial first pitch to her husband.
(17 minutes later) In a break from tradition, Huma Abedin throws the ceremonial first pitch to her husband who is A Weiner. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It took bonner guy 17 minutes to realize the embattled congressman's wife probably does not go by Mrs. Weiner--[Granted, she has a bun in the oven. But still.] Also, any divorce lawyer will tell you, taking the creep for every penny he is worth is a far more effective approach than chin music.)

"Swing Batty, you protected batsard; how hits error you?" --Anguish Languish (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach. This, believe it or not, i s a riff on "Fusilli you crazy bastard. How are you?" I appreciate the effort if not the out come.)

"No Mr. Bonds, I expect you to stay retired." --Namby (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, he never formally retired. The Giants effectively cut him and no team offered him a spot. As befitting the most hated man in baseball, in the twilight of his career Bonds wore all manner of protective equipment during each at bat. He had to.)
"Pickelhaube helmet, huh? How's the Kaiser these days?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For what it's worth, the helmet is historically inaccurate. Nice catch, Glenn.)
You don't look ridiculous at all. Jim Cavanaugh and and Johnny B. wear the exact same get-up when they're getting the anti-cap contest results.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, you are so stupid and ugly. How did you get to be so stupid and ugly? I'll bet you're a big Red Sox fan. Besides, I always assumed you and Johnny wore chaps, nipple claps and ball gags when you read these. Note to the rest of you: Don't worry, he likes the abuse. Good use of "get-up" by the way.)

"We've been waiting since the Middle Ages for anti-cap win...er, this pitch." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I had to use the rosin bag, check the sign, spit, adjust [not fondle] my crotch, lean in, throw over to first, check the sign again, mop my brow, spit again...My point is this: Pitchers and Anti-Cap judges have a lot to do before they make their delivery.)
Mock me all you want, al, but count the number of words used by the last winning anti-capper, capper, CAPPER SWING! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, like I need your permission? As if! Remember JB, an astute observation is not the same as mockery. And try as you might, you will never get me to take my eye off the -- wait a sec, there's a funny dog food commercial on TV -- ball.)
"Batting won't be a problem;;; I have a breakfast meeting with A NET, irregardless. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay, okay, now I get it. Annette sounds like "a net." The guy being shot from the cannon will land in a net. I admit I am a little embarrassed, but initially I thought someone was poking fun at the beloved actress Annette Funicello, so I am also relieved.)