The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #288

NOTE: It is clear by now that some caps are included with the "winners" because they have an obscure reference or an inside joke or something shiny that catches my eye. Also included are caps that are so pathetic, idiotic or deprived that they merit attention. Moving forward, in an effort to make this easier for me to do tighter and more reader-friendly, I am avoiding those entries.
For example, an Anti-Capper calling himself "Q. Martin" entered a cap for this contest that said: "If William Conrad calls, tell him to him to fuck himself." This is not on the least bit funny but I feel the urge to explain that this a reference to the 70's detective show "Cannon," which was produced by Quinn Martin. Maybe I am trying to be helpful or just show off the endless stockpile of useless pop culture knowledge that swirls in my brain. Either way, just assume I know shit like that.
Naturally gratuitous references to Dylan will still be honored as will as rebuttal caps that comment on the comments. That seems only fair.

WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
I don't care if it bothers you. It's my Second Amendment right. --Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on a few levels. First, there are many gun nuts who believe the right to own fire arms is an absolute. They maintain there should be no limit on the number or size of the weapons they possess. In keeping with Darwin's theory on Natural Selection, some of these people end up inadvertently offing themselves. So, in essence, the Second Amendment gives people the right to shoot themselves. That is the statement Austin makes with this thoughtful caption, even if he did so inadvertently.)

SECOND PLACE
"What the hell else would you do for Fodder's day?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical, juvenile and in keeping with our rich tradition of horrible puns. Of course for me every day's is Father's Day. I have had lunch with him more often in the last month than I had in the first 50 years of my life.)

THIRD PLACE
Believe me, if I didn't work at a hospital, I would never commute this way. -- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Presumably, his co-workers scrap him off the pavement when he gets to work. Stupid but somewhat logical.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Fuck off, Non-Fan. What are YOU doing to celebrate Dylan's 70th?" --a(l)ss kisser (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who ever submitted this knows their audience. I celebrated by buying Greatest Hits Volume III on CD at Wal-Mart for $5. [I forgot to being by Ipod and have no music other than the radio and a bunch of Sinatra & Mozart CDs already in my dad's car] Playing it while driving around with my dad, he asked "How do you know what he is singing?" I said "I just do." )



"I'm like many American men, John - just waiting to be fired, and fucking the neighbor's wife. By the way, remember to pick up tampons." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The "fired" part makes for a nice little pun. Inserting "tampons" into it gives it an edge. Even so, we are reminded once again that Damon is a troubled soul. Also, most American men do not bang their neighbor's wife. At best, they beat-off thinking about her--if she is hot, I mean. )

"Landing won't be a problem; I have a breakfast meeting with Annette." --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is funny if we assume this Annette person has a Grand Canyon -thing going on. Also, even when used incorrectly, a semi-colon somehow makes the writer seem smarter to people who don't know any better [kind of like using the word "irregardless."] For the record there is no subordinate clause, so two separate sentences would have been fine.)

"The Evrolet lady is bending over to pick up a car. Opportunity does not knock twice, my friend." --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Anti-Cap regulars know this is a reference to a giant woman from a previous cartoon. We have all heard of people who have their head up their ass, this seems like a variation on that theme.)

Just gettin' the mobile colonoscopy unit ready to go. Trump's got time to see us now.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Trump may be a colossal asshole but he does not have a colossal ass--per se. This would have worked better with, say, Oprah.)

"I'm Rapture-ready, dude. It's my backup plan in case I get left here." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to Daniel Radosh's book. Just so you know, one of the reasons I put off judging these contests for a few weeks was to see how this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing panned out. [That, and my ad hoc care-giver role.] That's also why I didn't pay my AmX bill or send out any dry cleaning. Now, I feel a little silly, to be honest.)

"No, that's my brother; I'm Masochist Knievel" --Chad Knievel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...who the hell is "Chad?" This cap is contradicted by the signature. I guess we can assume the other brother, Sadistic Knievel would have shoved the other guy into the cannon.)

"Something is happening here but you don't know what it is, do you Mr. Jones?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From the classic "Ballad of a Thin Man." Some years ago, I heard Dylan intro this song at a concert by saying he wrote it about a reporter for the Village Voice. Usually Dylan does say much more than "Thank you. Good night," so it really stayed with me.)

what "it" is Satireguy is; WE'RE NEXT! Go Al Go Al..... --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I kind of get it and appreciate the sentiment. My only question is: "Go where?")

I’m not the man they think I am at home.Oh no no no. I’m a rocket man. Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone. --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have probably heard this song a billion times, but until reading this cap I did not know Elton was saying "burning out his fuse up here alone." I thought it was something like "burning down the streets of heaven, lord." The point is this contest is a learning experience for me--occasionally.)

"Fuse-litty, you crazy bastard. You better run." --Trom"Fuse lit you crazy bastard, howitzer the hell are you?" --Baker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Both these caps are variations on a classic cap. The first part of Trom's is better than the first part of Baker's, but the second part of Baker's is better than the first part of Trom's. And so it goes.)

JohnnyB the winner of an anti-cap contest! It IS the end of the world! Well, I'm going out with a bang.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please realize, JB, like the previous times you won, it was only because your cap sucked the least. Don't get a big head or that baseball cap will no longer fit.)

So I figure what the fuck, I'm cannon-fodder for alinla every week already.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, Jim, Jim...cannon-fodder is what you shoot. A target is what you shoot at. Please pull you head out of your ass and get your facts straight before you make a total JohnnyB out of yourself. )

Nah..this is what AL does to people like me who can't proof read for shit and end up posting the same friggin lame comment three times on his blog!! --BLONDE (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The cap in question was some stupid shit about using the cannon to deal with rush hour traffic in L.A. It is not so much the redundancy, it's the stupidity. )

Hi fella. I feel I must flee L.A. and fly to Fla. Mrs. Al will judge the contest - and do an excellent job. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did and she did. Now you have made me a little tiny bit sorry for the nasty things I said about you J.B. Still, for the record, pandering caps are seldom funny.)

Just gettin' 'er ready. If alinla's dad should pass he's gettin' the express to heaven.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My dad has been a hardcore atheist his entire life and shows no signs of flip-flopping as he reaches the home stretch. [Ironically, he does say "Holy shit! and "God damn it!" a lot] When he does pass away and finds himself at the Pearly Gates, it may be one of the rare times he admits he was wrong. Considering that his life has been defined by hard work, sacrifice for others and rock solid integrity, I believe he will be welcomed into heaven where he will quickly complain that he is bored. I can just hear him say: "Holy shit! There's not a God damned thing to do up here!] Thanks Jim.)