"I don't know if we're getting any better, but I sure do love your 'Friends & Family' plan."
"I couldn't get a sitter."
"I think I speak for all of us when I say that your couches are very comfy."
"...and the one in the bowl thinks he's Abe Vigoda."
"I keep having these visions where I'm losing some kind of luge event to a bird."
We'll take the whole day bed set, except the one for the fish - he's just cat food.
The cat's in the well and the dog is going to war and the iguana is in a sauna and the fish is in Congress. And they think I'm crazy.
"We all have appeared numerous times in the New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest, but we're going just a little bit crazy with the judge's constantly ignoring us for months on end."
"Doc, I know your tee-time is coming up fast, but do you really have to cram us all in like this?"
"It all started when I ordered the turducken."
“I’m haunted by the fæces of my victims.”
Just like them Doc, I come mainly to have my belly rubbed.
“You put your gerbil where?”
Aside from my cat's festering colostomy, nothing much to report this week.
"Mea Culpa ... Woof ... Meow Culpa!"
"We all like to play Dr. Doolittle, where I examine and talk to them.....Oh, fuck, who am I kidding. All I do is touch and lick their genitals. Let's start there?"
I just want to know who gave me Ebola.
I talk to them ... I play doctor ... do little things to them. You understand
"This is nothing, Doc. Wait'll you see my car."
Yo, al ni la, Ever t6hinkds og getting speiilcheck?
"Okay, left to right—ADHD, PTSD, OCD and BP. Me? I'm just your garden variety fucked up divorcee."
Isn't it great being on the top of the food chain?
"Our sex life has become so conventional."
"I stink, therefore I am ... (good enough for #326)!"
"It all started when I nixed their favorite ... 'When Good Pets Go Bad'!"
I had this old lady who swallowed a fish... among things. When she got to the dog, I'm like all "fuck you" and shit, anything but the dog. I guess she died.
I have an imaginary menagerie, am seeking sobriety by means of psychiatry, so use your degree and doctor me, by February I’ll pay your fee.
"Well, Doc, since I still have some time left in my session, what say we play 69 Things You Didn’t Know About Bob Dylan?"
"Doc, I just can't shake this recurring nightmare."
"Doc, must every solution to life's problems be a delicious lobster?"
"...I mean this delicious lobster."
"Okay, Doc, I'll come clean. I'm a Petophile."
"Their names. ... Id, Ego, Superego, and Nemoego."
"...and thank you for curing my pet pig, Hammie."
"We all met in group therapy ... E I E I Oh."
Is there such a thing as BESTIAL REGRESSION?
"...and then he attributed my First Place win to a B.J.Thomas song, but I wasn't even thinking about B.J.Thomas."
Fregoli, you crazy bastard! How are you?Jim Cavanaugh
"Wait, did you say you're a psycho analyst?"
Ever since a 5 year old beat me in the anti cap, I've sought out the comfort of animals.
"Sell crazy someplace else, we'er all stocked up here."
I thought you were an analist. I'm guessing that's where you'll find the hamster.
..and then she said "My pussy's wet" And then I said, "Really? Mine hates water."
"Where are Fly and Spider ? "
"Hello, Doctor Van Dyke. I'm the aptly-named Herrmann Hundkatzenvogelfisch.
"I'll have the Chocolate Enema on Toast, Shep would like Whatever you Rolled in Sure Smells Good, Pusser will have a mouse turd over rye, Birdie is suicidal and would like a Snickers Bar, Nemo wants his East River Water changed."
"I need constant al-idation from that namby-pamby."
"Here's my problem, Doc. I don't allow them on the furniture at home, but when we come here...y'know, 'mixed signals.'"
"So Doc,you think all of us motherfuckers have unresolved Oedipal issues?"
"So, nine years ago, I'm sitting there trying to think of a snarky caption for a monster truck in the middle of an orchestra. I had more hair then." Sigh.
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