WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
I
heard this got the turkey pardoned every time during the Clinton
presidency.--boneguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: For Thanksgiving, Mrs. al in la and I are headed to a large
family gathering where we are likely to be the only Obama voters on
hand. [They set up a nice little table for us in the garage.] Not
that any of them will read this, but I thought it best to pick an
Anti-Cap that is undeniably funny in a cheap shot kind of way that's
bound to draw a chuckle from Fox News lovers—you know in the spirit
of the holiday. Besides Monica reportedly signed a book deal for $12
mil. For that kind of dough I'd...well let's just say I'd eat what
ever kind of turkey was dangled in front of me.)
SECOND
PLACE
"They're
a kind of built-in gravy strainer- for making
criss-cross-dressing."--LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Another weird get funny interpretation that has a practical
element. Remember if straining your gravy with hosiery, pantyhose work
better.)
THIRD
PLACE
“Beast
cancer. I'm having them both removed November 22."--HILDA
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Further proof that I
have not forgotten that we are supposed to celebrate gross
insensitive, stupid humor. At least we can all agree this one is not
entirely tasteless—if it's cooked properly, I mean.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"The
farmer's son idea. He says tonight I'll find out why.--Steve_O
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I guess the sheep were busy. This shit writes itself.)
"And
then I said, 'Oh, baby, stuff me hard with your nuts. Push that
baster in, harder! Taste my juices, mmmm, you're getting me so
hot!'"--Hennie
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Trouble is: It takes hours to get a turkey hot enough to
eat. Luckily we have football.)
"No
longer FREE Range! I'm now a prostitute in the 'Hunts Point' section
of the Bronx!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: If you saw the HBO's documentary on the subject you know
there is a sad truth here.)
"I
wonder why they named us Barack
and Mitt?"--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Posted before the election so good natured Kathy can be forgiven for
not picking sides. The hardliners sold out to support Mitt. Now these turkeys are eating crow.)
"You
have to do what you have to do to survive the annual Holocaust, and
this is what the farmer likes in a farm animal. If only I didn't feel
so dirty."--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: At least this is one turkey that doesn't have to give
head.)
"Why,
yes, I was
the model for the lamp in A
Christmas Story."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Obvious and unfunny but the new musical is getting raves.
And Kathy always comes up with links no one wants or needs. That's
why she's as cute as Ralphie in the bunny suit.)
"Because
Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location
shoot."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A reference to a previous Anti-Cap entry. And Cage has made
a few turkeys in his career, and turkeys are often kept in cages, and there is something called a turkey shoot [spoiler alert: It doesn't go the turkey's way]...so this has all the elements.)
"But
you're gonna have to serve somebody."--Roberta
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Our requisite Dylan reference to which I can only say: You
may be rich or poor, you be blind or lame, maybe living in another
country under another name...but you still gotta eat turkey on
Thanksgiving.)
"The
hose here are obscene."--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: And out requisite classic cap. And they're only obscene if worn by someone who should not be wearing them. Nuff
said. )
"The
whores here are avian."--Frank
Purdue (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I takes a tough man to make it with a tender bird.)
"I
need the young, female undecideds, and I approve this
caption."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Don't forget to give them free stuffing. And yes I too
approve. )
“But
most people don't want cross-dressing on their turkey, I
find."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: But turkeys who cross-dress are fine. Go figure. )
"Maybe
I should change into flats while I'm waiting for al to judge the
contest."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: No! Stay just like that. Now turn around. Yeah, that's it.
Daddy's home! )
"Don't
judge me!"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: If I did judge this I'd say it is bland and -- Anti-Cap-wise -- not nearly tasteless enough.)
al,
you lazy bastard!. Where are you?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: In L.A. Can't you read? And I'm not lazy, I'm preoccupied
trying to get occupied. Does that make sense? Happy Thanksgiving everyone!)
98 comments:
I'll give you a gobbler for some irradiated corn.
"The farmer's son idea. He says tonight I'll find out why."
"No longer FREE Range! I'm now a prostitute in the 'Hunts Point' section of the Bronx!"
"I Flew the Co-Op!"
"I wonder why they named us Barack and Mitt?"
"I'm an undercover 'Foster Farms Imposter Turkey'! ... Where's my 67 Plymouth Belvedere?"
I heard this got the turkey pardoned every time during the Clinton presidency.
"Under Obamacare, we are generic Ambien."
"Everyone knows my waddle is a clip-on."
"Hungary? Turkey with Chile has too much Greece."
"They're a kind of built-in gravy strainer- for making criss-cross-dressing."
It signals my preference for dark meat.
"I don't get it. Even when I wear these, everyone wants to fuck the stuffing into me."
"I wear them for luck when Turk Wendell pitches."
Jim Cavanaugh
"They do get in the way, when I play 'Turkey Poop Bingo'!"
"You have to do what you have to do to survive the annual Holocaust, and this is what the farmer likes in a farm animal. If only I didn't feel so dirty."
"The stockings are fine. It's the goddamned high heels that are killing me!"
Hobble, hobble, hobble!
Jim Cavanaugh
"Do these stockings make my legs look delicious?"
"These I don't mind. It's when they insert that pop-up timer button that pisses me off!"
"Why, yes, I was the model for the lamp in A Christmas Story."
"The stockings are fine. It's the goddamned G string that's killing me!"
(props to Tim H)
My favorite holiday? I'd have to say Yom Kippur.
"It kept me out of the army."
"I self identify more as trans-poultry than transgender, if you must know."
"I've heard that a lot of turkey lovers are leg men."
"Oh, so you're saying that Butterball wants turkeys that taste good, not turkeys with good taste."
"How am I gonna be a Butterball turkey if I don't get someone to butter them?"
"Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot."
"The hose here are obscene."
"The whores here are avian."
"Sure, I'll go to the prom with you Tom but first I have a dinner date on November 22nd."
"Okay, smartass, then what is a stocking stuffer?"
"Do the stockings make my cloaca look fat?"
"Read my cloaca, no new taxes"
"Twenty bucks to see my giblets"
"I need the young, female undecideds, and I approve this caption."
I was torn between dressing up this year as a trick or a treat.
"Tom tried to impregnate me with some kind of syringe. If I'm knocked up, my child will be a BASTERd!"
"Life is a cabaret, old chum, only a ca-ba-RET!"
"You're destined for a feast as the piéce de résistance! I'm gonna' wind up in a can-can."
"Look for me in the 'Foster Farms' section under 'Frozen 'Gams'!"
"Brand? HO-ka, and don't eat me if my juices aren't running clear."
"Just put your baster near my G(iblet)-spot and watch my timer pop up."
"I'm the main event at Oscar De La Hoya's Thanksgiving dinner."
"Funny thing. I know a fish who wears turkeynet stockings."
"Add fishnet ... Add 'Victoria Beckham' shoes ... Consider 3 forward and 1 aft facing toes ... Turkey Trot ... Nooooooooo ... Turkey Piaffe!"
Dad, do you douche?
"You'd think a collaboration between Pedro Almodovar and John Waters would produce something more substantial."
"C'mon! Show me some hubris, butter balls."
"Ever since the fishnet stockings, this turkey has been nothing but boned!"
"Richard Gere. He's not into gerbils anymore."
"Thanksgiving's coming. I'm hosed."
Jim Cavanaugh
"I did everything Astaire did, in high heels and backwards."
"You are either an eater or a breeder."
"Our cartoonist is a sicko. The rest of his animal fetish cartoons are extremely NSFW."
"Excuse me, my breasts are up here!"
"I'm on a publicity tour for my new book, '50 Shades of White Meat.'"
"Don't judge me!"
"Turk wants to see you, and bring your playbook."
I'm what happens when some genius tries to market a hybrid French maid/featherduster costume.
"And then I said, 'Oh, baby, stuff me hard with your nuts. Push that baster in, harder! Taste my juices, mmmm, you're getting me so hot!'"
"I'll trade you 'Turkey Giblet Gravy' for some 'KY Jelly' !
"I'm thinking of getting 'Large Hoop Earrings' for my 'Wattles'!"
"Most people like their turkey with dressing, don't you find?"
"But you're gonna have to serve somebody."
"But most people don't want cross-dressing on their turkey, I find."
"My bowel movements have been really weird lately ... Yesterday I shit 1 loaf of day old French bread, 1 cup of walnuts, 2 cups each of chopped onion and celery, and 6 Tbsp of butter!"
If I wear these and tell him turkey is low in lithium, al pretty much leaves me alone.
“I don’t think there was ever a question there. I think it’s just a lot of gobble, gobble turkey. Just gobble, gobble, gobble turkey from jive turkey gobblers."
"And then he called me a 'free range walking ho'."
"I'll have your money, Big Daddy. Just gimme' a couple more hours, I promise. No! Don't hit me . . . Ow! Why you gotta' do me that way, Daddy?"
"What is that fowl smell?"
"You better hurry, by this evening it'll be all sewn up."
They're for Black Friday
"Breast cancer. I'm having them both removed November 22."
"They wouldn't kill someone who's clearly a sentient being, right?"
"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."
"Maybe I should change into flats while I'm waiting for al to judge the contest."
"Contest #352 from Oct 1 is missing, and all of a sudden I feel stuffed...."
Since I got these, my Tom doesn't want to pork the other white meat.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
"It was either this or a NY Mets cap . . . I mean, 'here come da' judge'!!!"
---blw
"Understand my dilemma . . . I'm appearing before an Obamacare Death Panel next week."
---left coast wayne
“Life is tough pilgrim, it is even tougher if you're stupid.”
---blw
“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.” ---Jack Twist
"The Organians... seem... to have developed... a sense of humor, Mr. Spock."
"I knew I had no shot when I saw Mrs al was the judge."
"Quit staring at my giblets!"
"Let them eat cake."
"Romney said he'd pardon us. Then he said he wouldn't pardon us. Guess we'll never know where he stood."
JIm Cavanaugh
"Like it? I'm trying to get Al to notice me."
"Maybe we're Christmas turkeys?"
"I understand that if he doesn't judge this thing by Thanksgiving, we're free to go. Oh, and nice gams!"
Don't worry, he won't judge us before Thanksgiving
Don't forget to set your clocks ahead an hour after al judges the next contest.
Which 2 are the same?
)0(((X
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"Al says not to worry; they're always late with the ax."
"If Al sleeps in tomorrow morning, we're both home free . . . then I wouldn't have even needed this get-up."
---blw
"I stick my neck out for no one."
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