Monday, October 22, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #355


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
I heard this got the turkey pardoned every time during the Clinton presidency.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For Thanksgiving, Mrs. al in la and I are headed to a large family gathering where we are likely to be the only Obama voters on hand. [They set up a nice little table for us in the garage.] Not that any of them will read this, but I thought it best to pick an Anti-Cap that is undeniably funny in a cheap shot kind of way that's bound to draw a chuckle from Fox News lovers—you know in the spirit of the holiday. Besides Monica reportedly signed a book deal for $12 mil. For that kind of dough I'd...well let's just say I'd eat what ever kind of turkey was dangled in front of me.)
SECOND PLACE
"They're a kind of built-in gravy strainer- for making criss-cross-dressing."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another weird get funny interpretation that has a practical element. Remember if straining your gravy with hosiery, pantyhose work better.)
THIRD PLACE
Beast cancer. I'm having them both removed November 22."--HILDA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Further proof that I have not forgotten that we are supposed to celebrate gross insensitive, stupid humor. At least we can all agree this one is not entirely tasteless—if it's cooked properly, I mean.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"The farmer's son idea. He says tonight I'll find out why.--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess the sheep were busy. This shit writes itself.)


"And then I said, 'Oh, baby, stuff me hard with your nuts. Push that baster in, harder! Taste my juices, mmmm, you're getting me so hot!'"--Hennie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Trouble is: It takes hours to get a turkey hot enough to eat. Luckily we have football.)
"No longer FREE Range! I'm now a prostitute in the 'Hunts Point' section of the Bronx!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you saw the HBO's documentary on the subject you know there is a sad truth here.)
"I wonder why they named us Barack and Mitt?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Posted before the election so good natured Kathy can be forgiven for not picking sides. The hardliners sold out to support Mitt. Now these turkeys  are eating crow.)
"You have to do what you have to do to survive the annual Holocaust, and this is what the farmer likes in a farm animal. If only I didn't feel so dirty."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least this is one turkey that doesn't have to give head.)
"Why, yes, I was the model for the lamp in A Christmas Story."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Obvious and unfunny but the new musical is getting raves. And Kathy always comes up with links no one wants or needs. That's why she's as cute as Ralphie in the bunny suit.)
"Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a previous Anti-Cap entry. And Cage has made a few turkeys in his career, and turkeys are often kept in cages, and there is something called a turkey shoot [spoiler alert: It doesn't go the turkey's way]...so this has all the elements.)
"But you're gonna have to serve somebody."--Roberta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our requisite Dylan reference to which I can only say: You may be rich or poor, you be blind or lame, maybe living in another country under another name...but you still gotta eat turkey on Thanksgiving.)
"The hose here are obscene."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And out requisite classic cap. And they're only obscene if  worn by someone who should not be wearing them. Nuff said. )
"The whores here are avian."--Frank Purdue (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I takes a tough man to make it with a tender bird.)
"I need the young, female undecideds, and I approve this caption."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't forget to give them free stuffing. And yes I too approve. )
But most people don't want cross-dressing on their turkey, I find."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But turkeys who cross-dress are fine. Go figure. )
"Maybe I should change into flats while I'm waiting for al to judge the contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No! Stay just like that. Now turn around. Yeah, that's it. Daddy's home! )
"Don't judge me!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I did judge this I'd say it is bland and --  Anti-Cap-wise -- not nearly tasteless enough.)
al, you lazy bastard!. Where are you?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In L.A. Can't you read? And I'm not lazy, I'm preoccupied trying to get occupied. Does that make sense? Happy Thanksgiving everyone!)

105 comments:

JohnnyB said...

I'll give you a gobbler for some irradiated corn.

Steve_O said...

"The farmer's son idea. He says tonight I'll find out why."

Dr Sumguy said...

"No longer FREE Range! I'm now a prostitute in the 'Hunts Point' section of the Bronx!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I Flew the Co-Op!"

Kathy H said...

"I wonder why they named us Barack and Mitt?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm an undercover 'Foster Farms Imposter Turkey'! ... Where's my 67 Plymouth Belvedere?"

boneguy said...

I heard this got the turkey pardoned every time during the Clinton presidency.

smuck said...

"Under Obamacare, we are generic Ambien."

LR said...

"Everyone knows my waddle is a clip-on."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Kill us all? Of course not. That would considered an act of war with our country."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Hungary? Turkey with Chile has too much Greece."

LR said...

"They're a kind of built-in gravy strainer- for making criss-cross-dressing."

Anonymous said...

It signals my preference for dark meat.

boneguy said...

"I don't get it. Even when I wear these, everyone wants to fuck the stuffing into me."

Anonymous said...

"I wear them for luck when Turk Wendell pitches."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"They do get in the way, when I play 'Turkey Poop Bingo'!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"You have to do what you have to do to survive the annual Holocaust, and this is what the farmer likes in a farm animal. If only I didn't feel so dirty."

Tim H said...

"The stockings are fine. It's the goddamned high heels that are killing me!"

jf said...

"Clearly, I'm fuck so you're either marry or kill, and I'm not seeing a wedding dress.

Anonymous said...

Hobble, hobble, hobble!

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymouse said...

"Do these stockings make my legs look delicious?"

Kathy H said...

"These I don't mind. It's when they insert that pop-up timer button that pisses me off!"

Kathy H said...

"Why, yes, I was the model for the lamp in A Christmas Story."

boneguy said...

"The stockings are fine. It's the goddamned G string that's killing me!"

(props to Tim H)

boneguy said...

My favorite holiday? I'd have to say Yom Kippur.

Anonymous said...

"It kept me out of the army."

boneguy said...

"I self identify more as trans-poultry than transgender, if you must know."

Satireguy said...

"I've heard that a lot of turkey lovers are leg men."

Satireguy said...

"Oh, so you're saying that Butterball wants turkeys that taste good, not turkeys with good taste."

Damon said...

"How am I gonna be a Butterball turkey if I don't get someone to butter them?"

Anonymous said...

"Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot."

Anonymous said...

"They've given me empowerment! ... I no longer say Gobble Gobble ... Now it's Cluck Suck, Cluck Suck, Cluck Suck!"

Anonymouse said...

"The hose here are obscene."

Frank Purdue said...

"The whores here are avian."

Satireguy said...

"Sure, I'll go to the prom with you Tom but first I have a dinner date on November 22nd."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Okay, smartass, then what is a stocking stuffer?"

Cloaca Frenzy said...

"Do the stockings make my cloaca look fat?"

"Read my cloaca, no new taxes"

Dex said...

"Twenty bucks to see my giblets"

Anonymous said...

"I need the young, female undecideds, and I approve this caption."

boneguy said...

I was torn between dressing up this year as a trick or a treat.

Utellme said...

"Tom tried to impregnate me with some kind of syringe. If I'm knocked up, my child will be a BASTERd!"

Liza with a "Z" said...

"Life is a cabaret, old chum, only a ca-ba-RET!"

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"You're destined for a feast as the piéce de résistance! I'm gonna' wind up in a can-can."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Look for me in the 'Foster Farms' section under 'Frozen 'Gams'!"

Shelly said...

"Brand? HO-ka, and don't eat me if my juices aren't running clear."

"Just put your baster near my G(iblet)-spot and watch my timer pop up."

"I'm the main event at Oscar De La Hoya's Thanksgiving dinner."

Kathy H said...

"Funny thing. I know a fish who wears turkeynet stockings."

Anonymous said...

"Add fishnet ... Add 'Victoria Beckham' shoes ... Consider 3 forward and 1 aft facing toes ... Turkey Trot ... Nooooooooo ... Turkey Piaffe!"

Dean_R said...

Dad, do you douche?

NJ-to-TX said...

"You'd think a collaboration between Pedro Almodovar and John Waters would produce something more substantial."

Anonymous said...

"C'mon! Show me some hubris, butter balls."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Ever since the fishnet stockings, this turkey has been nothing but boned!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Richard Gere. He's not into gerbils anymore."

Anonymous said...

"Thanksgiving's coming. I'm hosed."

Jim Cavanaugh

Ginger Rogers said...

"I did everything Astaire did, in high heels and backwards."

Don Jr. said...

"You are either an eater or a breeder."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Our cartoonist is a sicko. The rest of his animal fetish cartoons are extremely NSFW."

cta said...

"Excuse me, my breasts are up here!"

Dean R said...

"I'm on a publicity tour for my new book, '50 Shades of White Meat.'"

Anonymous said...

"Don't judge me!"

Anonymous said...

"Turk wants to see you, and bring your playbook."

Anonymous said...

I'm what happens when some genius tries to market a hybrid French maid/featherduster costume.

Hennie said...

"And then I said, 'Oh, baby, stuff me hard with your nuts. Push that baster in, harder! Taste my juices, mmmm, you're getting me so hot!'"

Anonymous said...

"Yes ... I'm a transvestite Slut ... So What !!!

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'll trade you 'Turkey Giblet Gravy' for some 'KY Jelly' !

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm thinking of getting 'Large Hoop Earrings' for my 'Wattles'!"

Material Girl said...

"Most people like their turkey with dressing, don't you find?"

Roberta said...

"But you're gonna have to serve somebody."

Anonymous said...

"But most people don't want cross-dressing on their turkey, I find."

Dr Sumguy said...

"My bowel movements have been really weird lately ... Yesterday I shit 1 loaf of day old French bread, 1 cup of walnuts, 2 cups each of chopped onion and celery, and 6 Tbsp of butter!"

boneguy said...

If I wear these and tell him turkey is low in lithium, al pretty much leaves me alone.

Anonymous said...

"I'm 'Swish' ... 'The Other White Race'!"

Jaime O'Harbaughstein said...

“I don’t think there was ever a question there. I think it’s just a lot of gobble, gobble turkey. Just gobble, gobble, gobble turkey from jive turkey gobblers."

T.J. Hooker said...

"And then he called me a 'free range walking ho'."

Anonymous said...

"I'll have your money, Big Daddy. Just gimme' a couple more hours, I promise. No! Don't hit me . . . Ow! Why you gotta' do me that way, Daddy?"

Anonymous said...

"What is that fowl smell?"

Bake it, don't break it said...

"You better hurry, by this evening it'll be all sewn up."

JohnnyB said...

They're for Black Friday

Hilda said...

"Breast cancer. I'm having them both removed November 22."

Steve_O said...

"They wouldn't kill someone who's clearly a sentient being, right?"

Anonymous said...

al, you lazy bastard!. Where are you?

Anonymous said...

"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Anonymous said...

"Maybe I should change into flats while I'm waiting for al to judge the contest."

Shelly said...

"Contest #352 from Oct 1 is missing, and all of a sudden I feel stuffed...."

Angus Podgorny said...

Since I got these, my Tom doesn't want to pork the other white meat.

Angus Podgorny said...

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

Anonymous said...

"It was either this or a NY Mets cap . . . I mean, 'here come da' judge'!!!"


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Understand my dilemma . . . I'm appearing before an Obamacare Death Panel next week."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Life is tough pilgrim, it is even tougher if you're stupid.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.” ---Jack Twist

James T. Kirk said...

"The Organians... seem... to have developed... a sense of humor, Mr. Spock."

- said...

"I knew I had no shot when I saw Mrs al was the judge."

Steve_O said...

"Quit staring at my giblets!"

Anonymous said...

"Let them eat cake."

Anonymous said...

"Romney said he'd pardon us. Then he said he wouldn't pardon us. Guess we'll never know where he stood."

JIm Cavanaugh

cta said...

"Like it? I'm trying to get Al to notice me."

Anonymous said...

"Maybe we're Christmas turkeys?"

Tim H said...

"I understand that if he doesn't judge this thing by Thanksgiving, we're free to go. Oh, and nice gams!"

JohnnyB said...

Don't worry, he won't judge us before Thanksgiving

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to set your clocks ahead an hour after al judges the next contest.

Anonymous said...

Which 2 are the same?

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Satireguy said...

"Al says not to worry; they're always late with the ax."

Anonymous said...

"If Al sleeps in tomorrow morning, we're both home free . . . then I wouldn't have even needed this get-up."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I stick my neck out for no one."

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