NOTE: Having lagged so far behind, I tried to play catch up. I completed two contests in a single day--but with other obligations to tend to and my head about to explode, I asked Mrs. al in la to step in. She graciously agreed to select the winners and add her two cents. She is the only one in the world I would trust with this scared duty and, more importantly the only one who would agree to do it. [There was a trade-off but that's our business.] Thank you my love.--al in la)
WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"Now
drop your shorts ... Cough ... And we'll check out your 'Penis Fly
Trap'!"--Dr Sumguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: My husband may
argue otherwise, but I'm among those who believe that puns are the
lowest form of humor and, yes, I maintain that sarcasm is the grumy
man's wit. Hope this gives you a heads up on how the selections for this contest will go. Besides, compared to my husband, I know dick
about Dylan [and I know a lot about Dylan]. So if I missed any cute
little insider thingie that Al would have known, then you may be
disappointed. Try again, he'll be back soon--and all will be right
with in the Anti-Cap world. Unless Barry loses, in which you'll
likely find us both curled up in fetal positions.)
SECOND
PLACE
"Lemme
guess. You're a big fan of Robert Plant? Right? Am I
right??"--Anonymouse (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: I saw Led
Zeppelin in 1972. And yes, I remember the show. LSD doesn't screw
with memory. Now, don't ask me to tell you about Black Sabbath [saw
them in 1972 as well. Not much to do in Tucson, Arizona back then]
cuz that show I only have an old ticket stub to prove I was there,
but before whatever it was I took kicked in I clearly remember that
YES was the opening act and I have remain a loyal fan some 40
freakin' years later. Old hippies never die, we just wax nostalgia
for past concerts we've seen—or believe we've seen.)
THIRD
PLACE
"Don't
get too excited, you'll soil yourself."--Utellme (MRS. al in
la's COMMENT: I laughed, I cried, I was tired and wanted to go to
bed. Sometimes a choice is as simple as that.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"Christ,
what a knothole!"--Dex (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: And in the long
standing tradition of Anti Caption classics here is this week's
“winner” because, frankly I'm sick of Mr. Bond, clip-on parrots
and hours of any kind—obscene or otherwise. There I said it!)
"I'm
afraid you have 'Aphids'! I'm going to prescribe 'Ladybugs'!"--Dr
Sumguy licensened in Borneo (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Our 21
month-old granddaughter loves ladybugs [and no matter how many
you've seen A Bug's Life, trust me she's seen it more.] I feel this
is a fair pick cuz if Al can have his Dylan rule, I can have a
Granddaughter rule. Nuff said.)
"Hey,
maybe you know. Why are they called the Toronto Maple Leafs instead
of Maple Leaves ?"--Anonymouse (MRS. al in la's COMMENT:
Welcome to my world! Married to an editor who, for reasons I can't
explain, thinks ice hockey is an important sport. Go figure [skate].)
"I
hope you have plenty of sick leave."--Kathy H (MRS. al in la's
COMMENT: She and her links are here nearly every week. Don't forget
to tip your waitress.)
"Your
chart has a typo. It says Leif Ericson."--Kathy H (MRS. al in
la's COMMENT: And Kathy scores back-to-back! Wish I could say the
same for the Lakers. Less then 100 days until pitchers and catchers.[By the way: It's a mixed marriage--he loves that N.Y. team that's not the Yankees, and I bleed Dodger blue. Somehow we make it work.] )
"No
you can't see my bush. You know I am a lesbian, right?"--Jess
(MRS. al in la's COMMENT: What is it with men and Lesbians? Even the
crew-cut butch ones.)
Under
Obamacare, your saplings are covered until their 26th growth
ring--boneguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Then vote for Barry! Like
many of you who need health care, I'm too young to be old and too old
to be young!)
"I
don't treat the uninsured, but if you go back to your apartment and
wait until you're on the verge of death, we'll send over an ambulance
and take you to the emergency room."
--Mitt For Brains (MRS.
al in la's COMMENT: If you vote for Mittens, you don't want me to
come to your house a few years from now and explain why you fucked up.
Trust me.)
"Clip
on Leaves, Spotted Boxer Shorts ... So you wanted everyone to know
... You ran the 'Bay to Breakers', in a record (for you) of
46:81!"--Dr Sumguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: The annual
footrace in San Francisco is actually 7.46 miles. Runners wear
costumes and because it's San Fran there are varying degrees of nudity. I don't get the “46:81” reference, but hey, I knew about
the friggin race. Props for the Mrs!)
"Dammit,
Jim, I'm a doctor not a gardener!"--Bones (MRS. al in la's
COMMENT: Ah, a boomer cap! And I know there is a generation of folks
who love and know Star Trek lines [like certain husbands who endlessly quote The
Godfather]. But for those of us who watched the show's first airings,
it's a badge of honor. And we have a secret club. Don't tell Shatter
though. He's a bit of a dick.)
"Cosmetic
surgery won't make people like you, Mr. Cilantro."--Damon (MRS.
al in la's COMMENT: Second only to flys and Tea Baggers, I will never understand why
this awful weed exists. My daughter says you're either born with the
“cilantro gene” or you're not. All I know is I don't need a gene
to know what tastes like shit.)
"Drink
lots of water and if you see any dogs, keep moving."--Don Jr.
(MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Don has had better entries in past contests,
but truth be told, he's my baby brother so this pick is blatant
nepotism. Deal with it. And Don, step it up a bit, nepotism gets you
only so far. And the fact that Al's favorite Anti-Capper, JohnnyB,
was ignored in favor of your cap, well, we'll all have to live with
that.)
"Take
two aspens and call me in the morning."
--Jim Cavanaugh (MRS.
al in la's COMMENT: See pun explanation. And, Jim, you too could step
it up a bit.)
"I
suggest you cut back on the medical marijuana a touch."--Satireguy
(MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Don't joke like that. Ever. Okay? Now what
was I saying?)
114 comments:
"Now drop your shorts ... Cough ... And we'll check out your 'Penis Fly Trap'!"
"First the good news, it's Spring! ... And now the bad news, your Deciduous!"
I haven't met a leaf yet that can't wait to get blown.
"Not to worry; they should drop off in the fall."
"Christ, what a knothole!"
"A 1/3 manure to 2/3 potting soil is recommended, unless you prefer to be in deeper shit."
"Oh, good, all of our stem cell research is finally paying off!"
"Mr. Martin, you're O.K., but your shorts have contracted the measles."
"Thank God I have a minor in botany."
How's your job as head of GMO research at Monsanto going, Bill?
"Tell me about the 'Depomedrol' shot!"
Are you and Fern an item again?
"I can't figure it out. Perhaps you'd better call a doctor!"
"I'm afraid you have 'Aphids'! I'm going to prescribe 'Ladybugs'!"
"All my wating room plants died- do you mind hanging out in the southwest corner?"
"I advised you to eat those leafy greens in moderation."
"Take massive quantities of prune juice and call me in the morning."
"After I check your crushed hand, I'll use my hand to milk you for a spore sample."
"Lemme guess. You're a big fan of Robert Plant? Right? Am I right??"
Now that I've attached the I V ...
We will eradicate the ivy with an injection of some Roundup - a poison I V, if you will.
No, 42nd Street is a song from a musical by the same name. It is a song parody then, not a poem Now, about those plants growing out of you ..
"My nurse says you're looking to get a little trim."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Hey, maybe you know. Why are they called the Toronto Maple Leafs instead of Maple Leaves ?"
"I'm afraid you've got a bad case of root rot on your stamen."
"I hope you have plenty of sick leave."
"Yes, this the place where you leave your comment. Why do you ask?"
"It's called the 'Jolly Green Giant Syndrome'. I suspect your going to have increasing abdominal pain, as 'Sprout' descends into your rectum!"
"No, I don't have four quarters for a dollar and your time is about to expire."
"That reminds me. There's a Leave It to Beaver marathon on TVLand tonight."
"I recommend bathing at least once a year."
"Your chart has a typo. It says Leif Ericson."
"If I knew the answer to your problem, I wouldn't ask you to leave, now would I?"
---blw
“I’m sending you to Dr. Jones. He’s quite a rake.”
---left coast wayne
"I'm with ya. I have no fucking clue what that thing to your right is, either."
"Look at the bright side. Now you can park in the 'Green Zone'!"
"I'm stumped."
"No you can't see my bush. You know I am a lesbian, right?"
"Good news and bad - You can get high whenever you want now. But I was required to report you to the DEA."
"So now you know, you're fertile."
"Don't get too excited, you'll soil yourself."
"The test results are in. You've got Jungle Fever!"
"Just leave this to me."
"How did you know I was with the CIA? Are you a plant?"
"The bad news is, you have a low seedling count."
Under Obamacare, your saplings are covered until their 26th growth ring.
"I need to take a urine sample. My wife loves maple syrup."
"OK Woody, open your hands. ... Why you're a ... a, a, ... 'Palm Tree' ... Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Dirt loving tree hugger? What's in your family tree? Are you arboring any resentment? Do I look like a tree surgeon? Had enough? Get the fuck outta here."
"Artificial limbs have artificial leaves. Duhhhh."
Oh goody! I get to use my axe to test your reflexes.
I'd have a word with that fairy who supposedly turned you into a little boy 45 years ago, Pinocchio.
"Are they leaves? Feathers? How can they grow out of your shorts? Am I a doctor or a lesbian? There's only one thing that I'm sure about- Victoria can't draw for shit."
"No, Mister Frond. I expect you to die."
"What brings you here today?"
"Clip on Leaves, Spotted Boxer Shorts ... So you wanted everyone to know ... You ran the 'Bay to Breakers', in a record (for you) of 46:81!"
"Oh, that thingi to your right ... It's a Mini Wood Chipper!"
I'll have you know I graduated from the University of Grenada Medical School with a specialty in
dendrochronolgy.
"Well, that's what happens when you take drugs without so much as a by your leave."
If you search for "psychopath", you will bedirected to alinla. true story. http://twitpic.com/b4rg7o
"From the looks of things, big boy, I'd say you're ready to be fertilized...."
"I don't treat the uninsured, but if you go back to your apartment and wait until you're on the verge of death, we'll send over an ambulance and take you to the emergency room."
Mitt For Brains
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a gardener!"
"Cosmetic surgery won't make people like you, Mr. Cilantro."
"The good news ... I hear there's a new opening for a ... 'Foster Farm Imposter Chicken'!"
"Look, I've got patients waiting with serious problems, and you walk in here with poison ivy."
"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your leaves are Toxicodendron radicans."
"Drink lots of water and if you see any dogs, keep moving."
"What about your palms?"
"You remind me of George Bush."
"You know, you can just pull them out when they're leaflets. That's what the rest of us do."
"Is Herbegone™ right for you? What the hell do you think?"
"In the debates, be sure to mention the cunt tree you're from."
"One ounce would be the medicinal amount, but I was thinking more of a ten gallon pot."
Let me guess.
Stanford Tree class of '88.
"On your last visit I suggested you try Weed-B-Gon. You obviously never botany."
"I'm worried, Doc. My uncle had a massive stroke causing severe brain damage. Now he's a vegetable."
"I figured I'd drop by seeing as I've had petrified wood for more than 4 hours."
"I'll need you to pull down your trunk(s)."
"As an obvious hybrid, would you like to use our convenient charging station?"
"As your board certified tree surgeon, your foliage is in excellent condition. However I'm concerned about your large perianal root system, which has already invaded my exam table! As I have a 'Yucca Tree', (with a Cocks Comb condition), due in 20 minutes, I'm afraid I'm gonna ask you to Leave! ... Are you Dung!
"Your testes should drop come fall."
"I bet you drive a Nissan."
"What I'd really like to see is your fig leaf."
"The good news is, you're fertile."
"You're infested with pests and you brought, among other things, a couple of midges. I do mind."
"You may be John Greenleaf, but I'm wittier."
"It's a new sex offender marker. I'm afraid your stuck with it!"
"I suggest you cut back on the medical marijuana a touch."
"Oh, you wanted relief! I thought you wanted to re-leaf."
Getting gonorrhea does NOT qualify you for a government rebate for installation of a "drip" system.
"I made the 'Clapping Sound', but Boneguy's caption wouldn't go away!"
"Take two aspens and call me in the morning."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Lucky for you I've branched out into horticulture."
"Luckily you're on the endangered species list."
"I'm referring you to a tree surgeon."
Jim Cavanaugh
"We first remove the tumor, then preserve the leaves inside a large book."
"I recommend a stem cell transplant, before Jan. 20."
Dr. Willard
"If a tree person shows up in the middle of a doctor's office, does anyone give a shit?"
"Holy Shit! Oof, I'm sorry, I've just never seen that before."
"I hear you married a broadleaf."
"We'll need to perform a biopsies on your trunks."
"Now that Obamacare is in force, I have to go check with a 7-person government panel before proceeding with a course of treatment. With over 600,000 doctors in this country, the panel is extremely busy. Got my ticket to Dulles right here... I'll be back as soon as possible."
"No. Mist the fronds. I suspect you're too dry."
"You don't happen to work with Seth Brundle, do you?"
- STColeridge
"You've been sitting there for 11 days. I declare you cured. You can go home."
"How's your wife, Mr. Greenleaf?"
"I took her to the Guggenheim. She said, 'I thought Rembrandt was a toothpaste.' I'm thinking of returning her to the Bunny Ranch."
"You know what they say, you can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
"So you say you can't work in some stuffy little office ... The outdoors just calls for you."
"It's a new iPhone 5 program called 'Stick my Qi'! ... Any questions? ... Ask Siri."
"Why, no, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry."
"Freak!"
"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."
"Number 352 has already fallen victim to this nasty cartoon contest-eating virus and it looks like you may be next."
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