Sunday, October 7, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #353

















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"The hours here are obscene."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? They are screwing in a work place which is why the hours there are obscene. So, here we have a rare verbatim use of a classic Anti-Cap inserted in a manner that is actually a nice tight fit. Tim put very little thought into this, which is why it is so fucking good. [puns intended] )

SECOND PLACE
Eventually, Ben was able to settle into his job as a quality control engineer at Real Doll, Inc.--smuck

THIRD PLACE
Well, at least the Dow is up.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could win the real contest. But it also happens to be true. So why are all these Wall Streeters against Barry? Maybe they don't like basketball.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Governor, you're no Jack Kennedy."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Say what you will about Mitt Romney -- he's a duplicitous power hungry lying douche bag who would make a disastrous president, for example – but I don't think he screws around on his wife. Even so, I'll take horn dogs like JFK and, of course, Bill Clinton over someone who will fuck the non-rich.)


After the first debate Mitt celebrates by trying to do to Ann what he wants to do to 47% of the electorate. His staff is left to explain why he's not the man he used to be.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, it was a Bush that screwed everything up.)

"That was wonderful, Mitt. Maybe after they count the votes you can do it to 99% of the country."

--Ann (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a perfect world, after the count, Romney will call the President to concede. He'll then return to France where he'll spend the rest of his life going door-to-door trying to get people to stop drinking wine and convert to Mormonism. Soon after, a Taco Bell will open down the block from where we live. That's in a perfect world.)

"The accountants and marketers have drained every drop of fun out of a porn shoot."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The 1997 film “Boggie Nights” was on last night. Made me wonder how anyone could do it with so many people watching. [I feel weird if the TV's on] Still, if they did drain every drop, at lease the director would be happy.
"Well ... You did say you wanted a 'Firm Mattress'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And no doubt the box spring is included for free!...Okay, my pun is not as good. I admit that.
"Oh, thank God it was all a dream! I thought I was being held captive in a New Yorker Anti-Capton Contest!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, the guy next to you was named Tim. But it was just a dream. Y ou're okay now.)
"You're not getting laid because the fluffer was laid ... off."—NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMENT: In the porn business a fluffer is like a coach who pitches batting practice. I once say a bleached blonde with too much make up driving a new Lexus convertible. Her vanity license plate said “I [heart] 2 fluff” This told me two things: It pays well and the people at the DMV are clueless.)

"Christ, what an unmitigated asshole you are. Mitt."--mel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In keeping with the sexually nature of the image, this made me think that “Mitt” would be a good name for someone who likes it in the butt [Because he'd rather catch than pitch. Get it?] P.S.: Not that there's anything wrong with that. )

"It felt silly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--Trixie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really a compliment but I guess “silly” is better than “shitty.” Anyway a classic is a classic.”

"I don't think he was pissed off, and I don't think he just didn't feel like judging it. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stupid? Busy, indifferent, uninspired, preoccupied with paying jobs—maybe. But NOT judging the Anti-Cap is to stupid what entering a Anti-Cap is to brilliant.)

"I don't think they're leaving until you get out of bed and judge the contest, al."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Than can someone at least get me a cheeseburger and a cold Heineken—maybe a bag of chips?)

Wake up, alinla! Wake up!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Done and done!)




89 comments:

Steve_O said...

"The accountants and marketers have drained every drop of fun out of a porn shoot."

Don Jr. said...

"Honey I told you not to bring your work home with you".

Dr Sumguy said...

"Well ... You did say you wanted a 'Firm Mattress'!"

Anonymous said...

"Ok, Mitt, you won THIS time."

Shelly said...

"Darling, we have to stop meetings like this."

"Aren't you supposed to call your doctor if your convention lasts more than 4 hours?"

REX said...

"I admit I'm impressed. But your team of economists and trend forecasters is not going to change my mind about having a baby. So just put the condom on Milton.

LR said...

"You can't even get a hard-on without calling a meeting of the Board of Erectors."

Anonymous said...

"You have exactly four weeks to cum from behind."

NJ-to-TX said...

"That stunk - Either that Tantractra stuff doesn't work, or we're in the control group."

JohnnyB said...

Make it a quickie, in case I get a call for a deserted island cartoon.

JohnnyB said...

Make it a quickie, in case I get a call for a deserted island cartoon.

boneguy said...

No, I don't find the new cubicle design the least bit distracting.

Anonymous Coward said...

"I didn't think working on the relationship would involve the office."

boneguy said...

I swear to you I followed the directions my iPhone 5 gave me to The Plaza Hotel.

boneguy said...

As a theme park concept, I'd say McKinseyland still needs some work.

Satireguy said...

"I still wish they'd let us smoke afterwards."

Tim H said...

"The hours here are obscene."

Anonymouse said...

"But, Honey, why didn't say earlier that you wanted an eleven-way?"

Kathy H said...

"Did I just hear that Meg Griffin is the Sexiest Woman Alive?!"

Anonymouse said...

[Better late than never...]

"But, Honey, why didn't you say earlier that you wanted an eleven-way?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Why the fuck did you have me add 'in bed" when I read that fortune cookie?"

Anonymous said...

"It's out of our hands now, dear. The press will determine who finished on top."

JohnnyB said...

As soon as their report is finished, I'll send you the results as to whether it was good for me.

Anonymous said...

Best. Text. Ever.

Anonymous said...

"It's what gets me off, and sure as hell beats your fucking detective."

boneguy said...

OK, now your right hand is on my left tit.

Kathy H said...

"Oh, thank God it was all a dream! I thought I was being held captive in a New Yorker Anti-Capton Contest!"

Dex said...

"Sorry, guess I only was in the mood for social intercourse."

Anonymous said...

After the first debate Mitt celebrates by trying to do to Ann what he wants to do to 47% of the electorate. His staff is left to explain why he's not the man he used to be.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Well, we can get started just as soon as Sam Spade gets here."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"So, Ann, you really think this will sway the undecideds to our side."


---left coast wayne

smuck said...

Eventually, Ben was able to settle into his job as a quality control engineer at Real Doll, Inc.

Damon said...

"Yeah...yeah...okay...seven points margin, no less...right...but...hold on. No, wait, hold on, okay? HEY! HE'S THINKING ABOUT THE SECRETARY HE'S BANGING DURING THE DAY. SO STOP ASKING AND GO TO SLEEP! God...sorry. Yeah, I'm back..."

Damon said...

Announcer: "What happens when a successful patent attorney loses his house, and has to live at work? This fall, on FOX, it's...you know what? Enough." *puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger*

Dr Sumguy said...

"You've made your bed ... Now get 'Laid' in it!"

Anonymous said...

"Look, Brad, I want more than one finger on the pulse."

boneguy said...

The quarter has not been great so I've arranged to have you hear the numbers lying down.

Anonymous said...

“Well, at least the Dow is up.”



---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Figures. Obama's left-handed."

Trent said...

"I guess no one's surprised that an oil company exec would be in bed with a regulator."

Satireguy said...

"Well as far as I know, I didn't come."

Dex said...

"I'm haunted by the social networking devices of my victims."

Anonymous said...

"Get your hand off my tit. I said PRESS...HERE, not press here."

Kathy H said...

"I'll tell you one thing. After that performance, Atlas ain't the only one who shrugged."

Satireguy said...

"Sorry I can't stay and snuggle but I've got a campaign to run."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's my staff ... Calculating our prenuptial coital agreement!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Mufty the squirrel was a sweet little thing. He was cuddly and snuggly and buggly and sometimes was even a bit scruggly. ... One day he got a letter. ... From Giant Claws the Gruesome Griz ... zzzzzzzz.z..zz..z

Anonymous said...

"Governor, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Steve_O said...

"I don't think they're leaving until you get out of bed and judge the contest, al."

Anonymous said...

Honey, I didn't really want one anyway.

mel said...

"Christ, what an unmitigated asshole you are. Mitt."

Satireguy said...

"And that's why I hire a consulting team."

Head of HR said...

"Don't worry. Each of you will get laid, Intern."

Trixie said...

"It felt silly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

Gal Up said...

"Frankly, I'd like to take another pole"

REX said...

"It's not just doggie style, flip over to missionary, hit your climax, than fall asleep any more, Frank.These things take some planning."

Dr Something before electricity said...

"They're scanning for bed bugs!"

Satireguy said...

"Apparently I bring my partners to orgasm 68% of the time with a margin of error of plus or minus 3% nine times out of ten."

Steve_O said...

"You will permanently be thiniking outside my box, if you know what I mean."

Steve_O said...

"I thought you were referring to a sex act when you said 'dog and pony show.'"

Anonymous said...

“Whoa! Is that the Key Grip or the Best Boy I’m feeling under here???”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Was it as good for them as it was for me?”


--left coast wayne

Satireguy said...

"Next time, let's meet at your place."

boneguy said...

Mitt this is a safe place to change your position every 5 minutes.

NJ-to-TX said...

"You're not getting laid because the fluffer was laid ... off."

Good Neigh-bor said...

When you said "Gallup Poll" I thought you meant you were hung like a horse.

Baba Wawa said...

"If and when you do get it up, Mr. Hefner, CBS wants to be there first, along with TMZ, The National Enquirer, and Geraldo Rivera."

Richard H said...

"We have to stop meetings like this."

Richard H said...

"Now you've tried thinking inside the box, any new ideas?"

Richard H said...

"Are you sure Casual Sex Fridays start this week?"

Satireguy said...

"Yes, you have my consent."

Anonymous said...

Wake up, alinla! Wake up!

Anonymous said...

"If you are good it doesn’t matter.”

Anonymous said...

"Yoko, it is time to wake up."

Connie Chung and Maury said...

"If and when you do get it up, Mr. Hefner, it's the public's right to know."

Tim H said...

"Now that we're done, my people will put you in a binder."

Anonymous said...

"That was wonderful, Mitt. Maybe after they count the votes you can do it to 99% of the country."

Ann

smuck said...

"Get you hand off my breast! As a woman who gets paid 30% less than my peers, I expect to get screwed, not fondled."

Anonymous said...

"I thought I ordered a 'California King Headboard' ... Not a 'Board of Directors'!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I kept my stockings and high heels on. If we die during this experiment and are resurrected as farm animals, we'll know what happened."

NJ-to-TX said...

"They say that I'm uniformly moist, but I think they have me confused with plant man in the next cartoon."

Satireguy said...

"They're trying to find out what happened to contest number 352."

Anonymous said...

"I don't think he was pissed off, and I don't think he just didn't feel like judging it. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."

Anonymous said...

I guess we ARE on a caption count...and better come up with 16 quick ones or #353 is toast.

Anonymous said...

Hold on to your codpiece. Soup-or-Storm Sandy just swallowed #352!

Anonymous said...

That's CCCLII ... Only XIIII or XIV to go!

Anonymous said...

"I just flew in from Iowa, Wisconsin, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Florida, and boy is my vagina tired."

Anonymous said...

#352 was ate (weeks) before she was seven!

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