Sunday, October 14, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #354



















NOTE: Having lagged so far behind, I tried to play catch up. I completed two contests in a single day--but with other obligations to tend to and my head about to explode, I asked Mrs. al in la to step in. She graciously agreed to select the winners and add her two cents. She is the only one in the world I would trust with this scared duty and, more importantly  the only one who would agree to do it. [There was a trade-off but that's our business.] Thank you my love.--al in la)  

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Now drop your shorts ... Cough ... And we'll check out your 'Penis Fly Trap'!"--Dr Sumguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: My husband may argue otherwise, but I'm among those who believe that puns are the lowest form of humor and, yes, I maintain that sarcasm is the grumy man's wit. Hope this gives you a heads up on how the selections for this contest will go. Besides, compared to my husband, I know dick about Dylan [and I know a lot about Dylan]. So if I missed any cute little insider thingie that Al would have known, then you may be disappointed. Try again, he'll be back soon--and all will be right with in the Anti-Cap world. Unless Barry loses, in which you'll likely find us both curled up in fetal positions.)

SECOND PLACE
"Lemme guess. You're a big fan of Robert Plant? Right? Am I right??"--Anonymouse (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: I saw Led Zeppelin in 1972. And yes, I remember the show. LSD doesn't screw with memory. Now, don't ask me to tell you about Black Sabbath [saw them in 1972 as well. Not much to do in Tucson, Arizona back then] cuz that show I only have an old ticket stub to prove I was there, but before whatever it was I took kicked in I clearly remember that YES was the opening act and I have remain a loyal fan some 40 freakin' years later. Old hippies never die, we just wax nostalgia for past concerts we've seen—or believe we've seen.)

THIRD PLACE
"Don't get too excited, you'll soil yourself."--Utellme (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: I laughed, I cried, I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Sometimes a choice is as simple as that.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Christ, what a knothole!"--Dex (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: And in the long standing tradition of Anti Caption classics here is this week's “winner” because, frankly I'm sick of Mr. Bond, clip-on parrots and hours of any kind—obscene or otherwise. There I said it!)

"I'm afraid you have 'Aphids'! I'm going to prescribe 'Ladybugs'!"--Dr Sumguy licensened in Borneo (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Our 21 month-old granddaughter loves ladybugs [and no matter how many you've seen A Bug's Life, trust me she's seen it more.] I feel this is a fair pick cuz if Al can have his Dylan rule, I can have a Granddaughter rule. Nuff said.)

"Hey, maybe you know. Why are they called the Toronto Maple Leafs instead of Maple Leaves ?"--Anonymouse (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Welcome to my world! Married to an editor who, for reasons I can't explain, thinks ice hockey is an important sport. Go figure [skate].)

"I hope you have plenty of sick leave."--Kathy H (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: She and her links are here nearly every week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.)

"Your chart has a typo. It says Leif Ericson."--Kathy H (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: And Kathy scores back-to-back! Wish I could say the same for the Lakers. Less then 100 days until pitchers and catchers.[By the way: It's a mixed marriage--he loves that N.Y. team that's not the Yankees, and I bleed Dodger blue. Somehow we make it work.] )

"No you can't see my bush. You know I am a lesbian, right?"--Jess (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: What is it with men and Lesbians? Even the crew-cut butch ones.)

Under Obamacare, your saplings are covered until their 26th growth ring--boneguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Then vote for Barry! Like many of you who need health care, I'm too young to be old and too old to be young!)

"I don't treat the uninsured, but if you go back to your apartment and wait until you're on the verge of death, we'll send over an ambulance and take you to the emergency room."
--Mitt For Brains (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: If you vote for Mittens, you don't want me to come to your house a few years from now and explain why you fucked up. Trust me.)

"Clip on Leaves, Spotted Boxer Shorts ... So you wanted everyone to know ... You ran the 'Bay to Breakers', in a record (for you) of 46:81!"--Dr Sumguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: The annual footrace in San Francisco is actually 7.46 miles. Runners wear costumes and because it's San Fran there are varying degrees of nudity. I don't get the “46:81” reference, but hey, I knew about the friggin race. Props for the Mrs!)

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a gardener!"--Bones (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Ah, a boomer cap! And I know there is a generation of folks who love and know Star Trek lines [like certain husbands who endlessly quote The Godfather]. But for those of us who watched the show's first airings, it's a badge of honor. And we have a secret club. Don't tell Shatter though. He's a bit of a dick.)

"Cosmetic surgery won't make people like you, Mr. Cilantro."--Damon (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Second only to flys and Tea Baggers, I will never understand why this awful weed exists. My daughter says you're either born with the “cilantro gene” or you're not. All I know is I don't need a gene to know what tastes like shit.)

"Drink lots of water and if you see any dogs, keep moving."--Don Jr. (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Don has had better entries in past contests, but truth be told, he's my baby brother so this pick is blatant nepotism. Deal with it. And Don, step it up a bit, nepotism gets you only so far. And the fact that Al's favorite Anti-Capper, JohnnyB, was ignored in favor of your cap, well, we'll all have to live with that.)

"Take two aspens and call me in the morning."
--Jim Cavanaugh (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: See pun explanation. And, Jim, you too could step it up a bit.)

"I suggest you cut back on the medical marijuana a touch."--Satireguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Don't joke like that. Ever. Okay? Now what was I saying?)

119 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"Now drop your shorts ... Cough ... And we'll check out your 'Penis Fly Trap'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"First the good news, it's Spring! ... And now the bad news, your Deciduous!"

boneguy said...

I haven't met a leaf yet that can't wait to get blown.

Satireguy said...

"Not to worry; they should drop off in the fall."

Dex said...

"Christ, what a knothole!"

Anonymous said...

"A 1/3 manure to 2/3 potting soil is recommended, unless you prefer to be in deeper shit."

Tim H said...

"Oh, good, all of our stem cell research is finally paying off!"

Kathy H said...

"Mr. Martin, you're O.K., but your shorts have contracted the measles."

Anonymouse said...

"Thank God I have a minor in botany."

boneguy said...

How's your job as head of GMO research at Monsanto going, Bill?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Tell me about the 'Depomedrol' shot!"

boneguy said...

Are you and Fern an item again?

Dr Sumguy on call said...

"I can't figure it out. Perhaps you'd better call a doctor!"

Dr Sumguy licensened in Borneo said...

"I'm afraid you have 'Aphids'! I'm going to prescribe 'Ladybugs'!"

LR said...

"All my wating room plants died- do you mind hanging out in the southwest corner?"

Kathy H said...

"I advised you to eat those leafy greens in moderation."

Anonymous said...

"Take massive quantities of prune juice and call me in the morning."

Anonymous said...

"Let me guess—your penis is a leaf too."

LR said...

"After I check your crushed hand, I'll use my hand to milk you for a spore sample."

Anonymouse said...

"Lemme guess. You're a big fan of Robert Plant? Right? Am I right??"

JohnnyB said...

Now that I've attached the I V ...

JohnnyB said...

We will eradicate the ivy with an injection of some Roundup - a poison I V, if you will.

JohnnyB said...

No, 42nd Street is a song from a musical by the same name. It is a song parody then, not a poem Now, about those plants growing out of you ..

Anonymous said...

"My nurse says you're looking to get a little trim."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymouse said...

"Hey, maybe you know. Why are they called the Toronto Maple Leafs instead of Maple Leaves ?"

Steve_O said...

"I'm afraid you've got a bad case of root rot on your stamen."

Kathy H said...

"I hope you have plenty of sick leave."

Tim H said...

"Yes, this the place where you leave your comment. Why do you ask?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's called the 'Jolly Green Giant Syndrome'. I suspect your going to have increasing abdominal pain, as 'Sprout' descends into your rectum!"

Anonymous said...

"No, I don't have four quarters for a dollar and your time is about to expire."

Anonymouse said...

"That reminds me. There's a Leave It to Beaver marathon on TVLand tonight."

Satireguy said...

"I recommend bathing at least once a year."

Kathy H said...

"Your chart has a typo. It says Leif Ericson."

Anonymous said...

"If I knew the answer to your problem, I wouldn't ask you to leave, now would I?"


---blw


Anonymous said...

“I’m sending you to Dr. Jones. He’s quite a rake.”


---left coast wayne

Whatev said...

Foliage, you crazy bastard...

Damon said...

"I'm with ya. I have no fucking clue what that thing to your right is, either."

Dr Assman said...

"Look at the bright side. Now you can park in the 'Green Zone'!"

Dex said...

"I'm stumped."

Jess said...

"No you can't see my bush. You know I am a lesbian, right?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Good news and bad - You can get high whenever you want now. But I was required to report you to the DEA."

Which Doctor? said...

"So now you know, you're fertile."

Utellme said...

"Don't get too excited, you'll soil yourself."

Utellme said...

"All that Miracle Gro and your penis actually shrank."

Utellme said...

"The test results are in. You've got Jungle Fever!"

Dr. Know said...

"Just leave this to me."

Utellme said...

"How did you know I was with the CIA? Are you a plant?"

Utellme said...

"The bad news is, you have a low seedling count."

boneguy said...

Under Obamacare, your saplings are covered until their 26th growth ring.

Mrs. Butterworth said...

"I need to take a urine sample. My wife loves maple syrup."

Dr Sumguy said...

"OK Woody, open your hands. ... Why you're a ... a, a, ... 'Palm Tree' ... Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Anonymous said...

"Dirt loving tree hugger? What's in your family tree? Are you arboring any resentment? Do I look like a tree surgeon? Had enough? Get the fuck outta here."

Anonymous said...

"Artificial limbs have artificial leaves. Duhhhh."

boneguy said...

Oh goody! I get to use my axe to test your reflexes.

boneguy said...

I'd have a word with that fairy who supposedly turned you into a little boy 45 years ago, Pinocchio.

mel said...

"Are they leaves? Feathers? How can they grow out of your shorts? Am I a doctor or a lesbian? There's only one thing that I'm sure about- Victoria can't draw for shit."

smuck said...

"No, Mister Frond. I expect you to die."

smuck said...

"What brings you here today?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Clip on Leaves, Spotted Boxer Shorts ... So you wanted everyone to know ... You ran the 'Bay to Breakers', in a record (for you) of 46:81!"

Anonymous said...

"Oh, that thingi to your right ... It's a Mini Wood Chipper!"

boneguy said...

I'll have you know I graduated from the University of Grenada Medical School with a specialty in
dendrochronolgy
.

Anonymouse said...

"Well, that's what happens when you take drugs without so much as a by your leave."

JohnnyB said...

If you search for "psychopath", you will bedirected to alinla. true story. http://twitpic.com/b4rg7o

LR said...

"From the looks of things, big boy, I'd say you're ready to be fertilized...."

Anonymous said...

"I don't treat the uninsured, but if you go back to your apartment and wait until you're on the verge of death, we'll send over an ambulance and take you to the emergency room."

Mitt For Brains

Bones said...

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a gardener!"

Damon said...

"Cosmetic surgery won't make people like you, Mr. Cilantro."

Anonymous said...

"The good news ... I hear there's a new opening for a ... 'Foster Farm Imposter Chicken'!"

Anonymous said...

"Look, I've got patients waiting with serious problems, and you walk in here with poison ivy."

Anonymous said...

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your leaves are Toxicodendron radicans."

Don Jr. said...

"Drink lots of water and if you see any dogs, keep moving."

Anonymous said...

"What about your palms?"

Anonymous said...

"You remind me of George Bush."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You know, you can just pull them out when they're leaflets. That's what the rest of us do."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Is Herbegone™ right for you? What the hell do you think?"

Anonymous said...

"Your socks smell of dog piss, Mr. Ryan."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"In the debates, be sure to mention the cunt tree you're from."

Anonymous said...

"One ounce would be the medicinal amount, but I was thinking more of a ten gallon pot."

boneguy said...

Let me guess.
Stanford Tree
class of '88.

Dan D. Lyon said...

"On your last visit I suggested you try Weed-B-Gon. You obviously never botany."

Al G. said...

"I'm worried, Doc. My uncle had a massive stroke causing severe brain damage. Now he's a vegetable."

Priapus E. said...

"I figured I'd drop by seeing as I've had petrified wood for more than 4 hours."

Leaf Garrett said...

"I'll need you to pull down your trunk(s)."

Shelly said...

"As an obvious hybrid, would you like to use our convenient charging station?"

Anonymous said...

"As your board certified tree surgeon, your foliage is in excellent condition. However I'm concerned about your large perianal root system, which has already invaded my exam table! As I have a 'Yucca Tree', (with a Cocks Comb condition), due in 20 minutes, I'm afraid I'm gonna ask you to Leave! ... Are you Dung!

Anonymous said...

"Your testes should drop come fall."

Anonymous said...

"I bet you drive a Nissan."

Anonymous said...

"What I'd really like to see is your fig leaf."

Which Doctor? said...

"The good news is, you're fertile."

LR said...

"You're infested with pests and you brought, among other things, a couple of midges. I do mind."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You may be John Greenleaf, but I'm wittier."

Anonymous said...

"It's a new sex offender marker. I'm afraid your stuck with it!"

Satireguy said...

"I suggest you cut back on the medical marijuana a touch."

Satireguy said...

"Oh, you wanted relief! I thought you wanted to re-leaf."

boneguy said...

Getting gonorrhea does NOT qualify you for a government rebate for installation of a "drip" system.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I made the 'Clapping Sound', but Boneguy's caption wouldn't go away!"

Anonymous said...

"Take two aspens and call me in the morning."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous Coward said...

"Lucky for you I've branched out into horticulture."

Satireguy said...

"Luckily you're on the endangered species list."

Anonymous said...

"I'm referring you to a tree surgeon."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"We first remove the tumor, then preserve the leaves inside a large book."

Anonymous said...

"I recommend a stem cell transplant, before Jan. 20."

Dr. Willard

Anonymous said...

"If a tree person shows up in the middle of a doctor's office, does anyone give a shit?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Holy Shit! Oof, I'm sorry, I've just never seen that before."

Anonymous said...

"I hear you married a broadleaf."

Anonymous said...

"We'll need to perform a biopsies on your trunks."

smuck said...

"Now that Obamacare is in force, I have to go check with a 7-person government panel before proceeding with a course of treatment. With over 600,000 doctors in this country, the panel is extremely busy. Got my ticket to Dulles right here... I'll be back as soon as possible."

smuck said...

"No. Mist the fronds. I suspect you're too dry."

Anonymous said...

"You don't happen to work with Seth Brundle, do you?"

- STColeridge

Anonymouse said...

"You've been sitting there for 11 days. I declare you cured. You can go home."

Mrs. Parker said...

"How's your wife, Mr. Greenleaf?"

"I took her to the Guggenheim. She said, 'I thought Rembrandt was a toothpaste.' I'm thinking of returning her to the Bunny Ranch."

"You know what they say, you can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

Dr Sumguy said...

"So you say you can't work in some stuffy little office ... The outdoors just calls for you."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's a new iPhone 5 program called 'Stick my Qi'! ... Any questions? ... Ask Siri."

Victor said...

"Why, no, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry."

Steve_O said...

"Freak!"

Anonymous said...

"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Satireguy said...

"Number 352 has already fallen victim to this nasty cartoon contest-eating virus and it looks like you may be next."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.