WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"The
hours here are obscene."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
See? They are screwing in a work place which is why the hours there are
obscene. So, here we have a rare verbatim use of a classic
Anti-Cap inserted in a manner that is actually a nice tight fit. Tim
put very little thought into this, which is why it is so fucking
good. [puns intended] )
SECOND
PLACE
Eventually, Ben was able to settle into his job as a quality control engineer at Real Doll, Inc.--smuck
Eventually, Ben was able to settle into his job as a quality control engineer at Real Doll, Inc.--smuck
THIRD
PLACE
“Well,
at least the Dow is up.”
---left
coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could win the real contest. But it
also happens to be true. So why are all these Wall Streeters against
Barry? Maybe they don't like basketball.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"Governor,
you're no Jack Kennedy."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Say what you will about Mitt
Romney -- he's a duplicitous power hungry lying douche bag who would
make a disastrous president, for example – but I don't think he
screws around on his wife. Even so, I'll take horn dogs like JFK and,
of course, Bill Clinton over someone who will fuck the non-rich.)
After
the first debate Mitt celebrates by trying to do to Ann what he wants
to do to 47% of the electorate. His staff is left to explain why he's
not the man he used to be.--Jim
Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Ironically, it was a Bush that screwed everything up.)
"That
was wonderful, Mitt. Maybe after they count the votes you can do it
to 99% of the country."
--Ann
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a perfect world, after the count, Romney will
call the President to concede. He'll then return to France where
he'll spend the rest of his life going door-to-door trying to get
people to stop drinking wine and convert to Mormonism. Soon after, a
Taco Bell will open down the block from where we live. That's in a
perfect world.)
"The
accountants and marketers have drained every drop of fun out of a
porn shoot."--Steve_O
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The 1997 film “Boggie Nights” was on last
night. Made me wonder how anyone could do it with so many people
watching. [I feel weird if the TV's on] Still, if they did drain
every drop, at lease the director would be happy.
"Well
... You did say you wanted a 'Firm Mattress'!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: And no doubt the box spring is included for free!...Okay, my
pun is not as good. I admit that.
"Oh,
thank God it was all a dream! I thought I was being held captive in a
New Yorker Anti-Capton
Contest!"--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Even worse, the guy next to you was named Tim. But it was
just a dream. Y ou're okay now.)
"You're
not getting laid because the fluffer was laid ... off."—NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S COMENT: In the
porn business a fluffer is like a coach who pitches batting practice.
I once say a bleached blonde with too much make up driving a new
Lexus convertible. Her vanity license plate said “I [heart] 2
fluff” This told me two things: It pays well and the people at the
DMV are clueless.)
"Christ,
what an unmitigated asshole you are. Mitt."--mel
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: In keeping with the sexually nature of
the image, this made me think that “Mitt” would be a good name
for someone who likes it in the butt [Because he'd rather catch than
pitch. Get it?] P.S.: Not that there's anything wrong with that. )
"It
felt silly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--Trixie
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not
really a compliment but I guess “silly” is better than “shitty.”
Anyway a classic is a classic.”
"I
don't think he was pissed off, and I don't think he just didn't feel
like judging it. Never attribute to malice that which can be
adequately explained by stupidity."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Stupid? Busy, indifferent, uninspired, preoccupied with paying
jobs—maybe. But NOT judging the Anti-Cap is to stupid what entering
a Anti-Cap is to brilliant.)
"I
don't think they're leaving until you get out of bed and judge the
contest, al."--Steve_O
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Than
can someone at least get me a cheeseburger and a cold Heineken—maybe
a bag of chips?)
Wake
up, alinla! Wake up!--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Done
and done!)
85 comments:
"The accountants and marketers have drained every drop of fun out of a porn shoot."
"Honey I told you not to bring your work home with you".
"Well ... You did say you wanted a 'Firm Mattress'!"
"Ok, Mitt, you won THIS time."
"Darling, we have to stop meetings like this."
"Aren't you supposed to call your doctor if your convention lasts more than 4 hours?"
"I admit I'm impressed. But your team of economists and trend forecasters is not going to change my mind about having a baby. So just put the condom on Milton.
"You can't even get a hard-on without calling a meeting of the Board of Erectors."
"You have exactly four weeks to cum from behind."
"That stunk - Either that Tantractra stuff doesn't work, or we're in the control group."
Make it a quickie, in case I get a call for a deserted island cartoon.
Make it a quickie, in case I get a call for a deserted island cartoon.
No, I don't find the new cubicle design the least bit distracting.
"I didn't think working on the relationship would involve the office."
I swear to you I followed the directions my iPhone 5 gave me to The Plaza Hotel.
As a theme park concept, I'd say McKinseyland still needs some work.
"I still wish they'd let us smoke afterwards."
"The hours here are obscene."
"But, Honey, why didn't say earlier that you wanted an eleven-way?"
"Did I just hear that Meg Griffin is the Sexiest Woman Alive?!"
[Better late than never...]
"But, Honey, why didn't you say earlier that you wanted an eleven-way?"
"Why the fuck did you have me add 'in bed" when I read that fortune cookie?"
"It's out of our hands now, dear. The press will determine who finished on top."
As soon as their report is finished, I'll send you the results as to whether it was good for me.
Best. Text. Ever.
OK, now your right hand is on my left tit.
"Oh, thank God it was all a dream! I thought I was being held captive in a New Yorker Anti-Capton Contest!"
"Sorry, guess I only was in the mood for social intercourse."
After the first debate Mitt celebrates by trying to do to Ann what he wants to do to 47% of the electorate. His staff is left to explain why he's not the man he used to be.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Well, we can get started just as soon as Sam Spade gets here."
---blw
"So, Ann, you really think this will sway the undecideds to our side."
---left coast wayne
Eventually, Ben was able to settle into his job as a quality control engineer at Real Doll, Inc.
"Yeah...yeah...okay...seven points margin, no less...right...but...hold on. No, wait, hold on, okay? HEY! HE'S THINKING ABOUT THE SECRETARY HE'S BANGING DURING THE DAY. SO STOP ASKING AND GO TO SLEEP! God...sorry. Yeah, I'm back..."
Announcer: "What happens when a successful patent attorney loses his house, and has to live at work? This fall, on FOX, it's...you know what? Enough." *puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger*
"You've made your bed ... Now get 'Laid' in it!"
"Look, Brad, I want more than one finger on the pulse."
The quarter has not been great so I've arranged to have you hear the numbers lying down.
“Well, at least the Dow is up.”
---left coast wayne
"Figures. Obama's left-handed."
"I guess no one's surprised that an oil company exec would be in bed with a regulator."
"Well as far as I know, I didn't come."
"I'm haunted by the social networking devices of my victims."
"Get your hand off my tit. I said PRESS...HERE, not press here."
"I'll tell you one thing. After that performance, Atlas ain't the only one who shrugged."
"Sorry I can't stay and snuggle but I've got a campaign to run."
"It's my staff ... Calculating our prenuptial coital agreement!"
"Mufty the squirrel was a sweet little thing. He was cuddly and snuggly and buggly and sometimes was even a bit scruggly. ... One day he got a letter. ... From Giant Claws the Gruesome Griz ... zzzzzzzz.z..zz..z
"Governor, you're no Jack Kennedy."
"I don't think they're leaving until you get out of bed and judge the contest, al."
Honey, I didn't really want one anyway.
"And that's why I hire a consulting team."
"Don't worry. Each of you will get laid, Intern."
"Frankly, I'd like to take another pole"
"It's not just doggie style, flip over to missionary, hit your climax, than fall asleep any more, Frank.These things take some planning."
"They're scanning for bed bugs!"
"Apparently I bring my partners to orgasm 68% of the time with a margin of error of plus or minus 3% nine times out of ten."
"You will permanently be thiniking outside my box, if you know what I mean."
"I thought you were referring to a sex act when you said 'dog and pony show.'"
“Whoa! Is that the Key Grip or the Best Boy I’m feeling under here???”
---blw
“Was it as good for them as it was for me?”
--left coast wayne
"Next time, let's meet at your place."
Mitt this is a safe place to change your position every 5 minutes.
"You're not getting laid because the fluffer was laid ... off."
When you said "Gallup Poll" I thought you meant you were hung like a horse.
"If and when you do get it up, Mr. Hefner, CBS wants to be there first, along with TMZ, The National Enquirer, and Geraldo Rivera."
"We have to stop meetings like this."
"Now you've tried thinking inside the box, any new ideas?"
"Are you sure Casual Sex Fridays start this week?"
"Yes, you have my consent."
Wake up, alinla! Wake up!
"If you are good it doesn’t matter.”
"Yoko, it is time to wake up."
"If and when you do get it up, Mr. Hefner, it's the public's right to know."
"Now that we're done, my people will put you in a binder."
"That was wonderful, Mitt. Maybe after they count the votes you can do it to 99% of the country."
Ann
"Get you hand off my breast! As a woman who gets paid 30% less than my peers, I expect to get screwed, not fondled."
"I thought I ordered a 'California King Headboard' ... Not a 'Board of Directors'!"
"I kept my stockings and high heels on. If we die during this experiment and are resurrected as farm animals, we'll know what happened."
"They say that I'm uniformly moist, but I think they have me confused with plant man in the next cartoon."
"They're trying to find out what happened to contest number 352."
"I don't think he was pissed off, and I don't think he just didn't feel like judging it. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
I guess we ARE on a caption count...and better come up with 16 quick ones or #353 is toast.
Hold on to your codpiece. Soup-or-Storm Sandy just swallowed #352!
That's CCCLII ... Only XIIII or XIV to go!
"I just flew in from Iowa, Wisconsin, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Florida, and boy is my vagina tired."
#352 was ate (weeks) before she was seven!
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