Monday, October 1, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #352





WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Whoo-ee! Ride me high”-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMENT:  Wow! Did this strike a cord. Mrs. alinla and I recently saw Bob Dylan at the Hollywood Bowl. I hadn't seen him in concert in over three years [a long time for me] so I was totaled psyched. We settled in to our cheap seats [$35 each!] moments before the show began. [Mark Knopfler opened, but we were in the smoking section—where tobaco was more the exception than the rule. Nuff said.] I knew it was Dylan way down there on stage when I heard that unmistakable froggy old voice croak out the lines "Clouds so swift, Rain won't lift..." Yes, I knew instantly it was "You Ain't Goin' No Where," a 45-year old song that includes the words used for this caption, which was submitted over a month ago. The clairvoyance is why it took first place. And we followed the caption's advice about ridin' high, [how else are you going to see a Dylan show?], but ignored the song's title. After a few songs we moved down closer to the stage where we watched the rest of the show along side people who paid over $100 for their seats. We blend in well.)

SECOND PLACE
"One mistake and there's nothing between you and four feet of water."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMENT: Entered after Sandy, a storm that devastated my old home of Staten Island. I lived there for 25 years and never saw anything like that. Four feet of water can do a lot of damage. )

THIRD PLACE
"No. You want the Bailey Building and Loan. This is the Barely on the Building, Alone."--Tim H  (JUDGE'S COMENT: I see, and if you use a line from the a classic movie you think you can enter a lame anti-cap and expect to win. What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class. And all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Tim H. stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
O Wa Te Goo Siam--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMENT: Say out loud faster and faster and you'll know exactly what you are. I learned this in the Boy Scouts.)

Christ, what an ascent. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMENT: JohnnyB is like a homeless guy's dog who sticks with him even though he could do better on his own. Thanks J.B. Your caps are lame but your heat is pure.)

"Hey, how 'bout that R.A.Dickey?!"--Yogi (JUDGE'S COMENT: Made me think: If the knuckleballing mountain climber Dickey was on any other team but the Mets, NY fans would have a field day with his last name. FUN FACT: The NFL refuses to sell replicas of the Jersy worn by the Arizonia Cardinal who wears No. 22. Look it up and you'll see why.)

"With a lower torso? I'm not impressed."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMENT: A tribut to a privious cartoon. Not funny but a little preceptive.)

Not bad for a guy with one foot. I'm impressed."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMENT: I'm not. See previous comment.)

"Cartoon recycling: combine 340 with 344, and voila...we find ourselves in cartoon 352."--Anonymous Coward (JUDGE'S COMENT: First ever use of the word “voila” in this contest. Beyond that, see previous comment.)

"You're an idiot if you think George Willig was anywhere as talented - and fucking crazy - as Philippe Petit."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMENT: I believe Dylan's 7 minute, 48 second 1974-song “Idiot Wind” is the only song ever to include that word in the title. It is also the most biting anti-love song ever written. Sample lyric: “You're an idiot babe, it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.” [Yes I know all the words.] So is is perfect for the Anti-Cap. Kathy has proven time and again that she is the opposite of an idiot. But too often she proves she is the opposite of funny)

I'll bet his family and friends are more important to him than judging these contests. What a jerk!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMENT: A reference to the photo I posted on my 53rd birthday. This almost won because every word is true—but it still hurts.)

"No, actually I've only been the Capton here since August 26."--Typo Negative (JUDGE'S COMENT: A reference to a type-o that was fixed a while ago. So let's drop it already—okay?)

"Keep climbing. The next unjudged cartoon is far more interesting."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMENT: This too is true, but much the way hookers have to do even ugly guys, I've got to judge them all—when I get around to it.)

"How the hell do I know? Dead, busy, abandoning the contest, got hired by The Daily Show, what ev er! You came all the way up here to ask me that?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMENT: I promise that if I get hired by the Daily Show I will not abandon the judging of this contest—I'll hire someone else to do it. JohnnyB, say.)

"I require 100 entries in order to judge you. And no, I can't move on to the next contest until that occurs."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Replace “contest” with “rich asshole” and you have the perfect “That's what she said.”)






























91 comments:

Angus Podgorny said...

Stop fucking my wall.

Anonymous said...

"Clap twice to achieve self-surrender."

boneguy said...

Avalanche risk is low today.

JohnnyB said...

You need to gargoyle with some Scope

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what an ascent.

Anonymous said...

"You want Goldfarbarishi the spy—he's on the 104th floor."

Shelly said...

"With a lower torso? I'm not impressed."

Shelly said...

"Get out of my way- I'm due in a couple's bed in ten minutes."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Why, if it isn't edifice Gerald."

Steve_O said...

"Quit trying to look up my robe."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You're an idiot if you think George Willig was anywhere as talented - and fucking crazy - as Philippe Petit."

Anonymous said...

"Every fucking ledge I plop my ass down on....."

Tim H said...

"Welcome to the 13th Floor."

Kathy H said...

"That's right. My name is Elisha Otis. My middle name? Irony."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm Saint Peter, your the Ascender, and Miss Pearly Gates, the whore, should be here shortly!"

Anonymous Coward said...

"Cartoon recycling: combine 340 with 344, and voila...we find ourselves in cartoon 352."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's a 'Spare the Air' day. Thanks for not using the elevator!"

God said...

"Blow me."

Anonymous said...

"I'm not wise, I'm homeless."

Satireguy said...

"Oh, the meaning of life? You want my cousin Yogi in the Himalayas."

Satireguy said...

"16th floor. Menswear, boyswear and philosophical nostrums."

boneguy said...

I tried to commit suicide during the Great Depression and as you can see, failed.

cta said...

"Shhh... I'm currently having an out-of-building experience."

Anonymous said...

"Whoo-ee! Ride me high"

Anonymouse said...

"You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out;
You put your right foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!"

Kathy H said...

"I'm landmarked."

Tim H said...

"No. You want the Bailey Building and Loan. This is the Barely on the Building, Alone."

boneguy said...

You wouldn't by chance have a bedpan on you?

Anonymouse said...

"Do me favor: If you see something, say something."

Kathy H said...

"Will you those clowns on The Amazing Race enough already?"

Kathy H said...

[Take Two...]

"Will you tell those clowns on The Amazing Race enough already?"

Tim H said...

"Not bad for a guy with one foot. I'm impressed."

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.” ---Jack Twist

Paul Arnold said...

Great. Now where's the fucking pizza?

Dr Sumguy said...

"I've been on this ledge for 10 years, contemplating 'Infinity' ... And now you want me to subscribe to something new called 'Xfinity'!"

JohnnyB said...

White cliffs of Dover? No, this is the Dakota.

Anonymouse said...

"S'up?"

boneguy said...

Are you applying for the posted position of ledge fund manager?

Anonymouse said...

"My name is Zarkmud, but my friends call me Steve."

Yogi said...

"Hey, how 'bout that R.A.Dickey?!"

Typo Negative said...

"No, actually I've only been the Capton here since August 26."

Dr Sumguy said...

"You are FREE to GO... IF YOU ... Pledge not to wedge on the edge of my ledge!"

Anonymous said...

Frieze!

Gordon Greco-Roman

Dex said...

Christ, what an earful!

Anonymous said...

"Wanna know what it feels like to get pissed off?"

Bob

Damon said...

"Congratulations on doing what's never been done: accomplishing something while wearing Chuck Taylors."

Kathy H said...

"Oh. I thought you were the guy with my AIA Guide to New York City."

David Macharelli said...

"Stop staring into my abyss."

Steve_O said...

"You know there's an elevator, right?"

Anonymous said...

"Can't you just take "no" for an ansewer"?

Don Jr. said...

"There is love and there is a cry for love".

Anonymous said...

"Is this not a form of heterosexual bashing"?

Anonymous said...

"There is no such thing as "Lesbians". There are "Bull Dykes" and then there are women that just want to be in a relationship".

H. Youngman said...

"We're just a couple of cornice gay mens"

REX said...

"Sorry Mr. Romney, this seat is taken by someone with more wisdom than you will ever know." (Submitted during the presidential debate. Works better if you picture Obama as an old white guy with a long beard.)

boneguy said...

What say we both bite the bullet and move to Colorado?

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'd like to spiffy up the place! ... You wouldn't happen to have some 'Quions' on you?"

Tim H said...

"Whaddya call that? A death grip?"

Anonymous said...

"I am omniscient and omnipotent. But right now I'm on the pot."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Man on a Ledge" ... The reviews are in ... "Uninspired acting with a preposterous plot line!" ... Rotten Tomatoes 22!

Dr Sumguy said...

"I followed my lofty dream and became it!" ... Dr Sumguy

Steve_O said...

"You the male prostitute I requested?"

Anonymous said...

"Christ, what a no-show. Tell Obama to grow a pair before the next debate."

He must have blown an Axelrod

boneguy said...

Snatching a pebble from my hand not so easy now, is it Grasshopper ?

Dr Sumguy said...

"I used to supply toasters to 'Washington Mutual'!"

Louie said...

"I'm the Keymaster. And I'm the one gonna fuck the Gatekeeper. Get lost."

Dex said...

"The legendary Jerry Garcia? I prefer ledge-ndary!"

Satireguy said...

"Fuck off. I was here first."

Anonymous said...

"There ARE ways to make your penis longer."

smuck said...

"George Willig, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"

Anonymous said...

"What part of 'be laying' don't you understand?"

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, I agree. A-Rod sucks."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry, pal, this is Ohio and I already voted."

Anonymous said...

"People call, say beware, Paul, you're bound to fall, you thought they were all a kiddin' you..."

I'm bored

Anonymous said...

"Thank you, Domino's Pizza delivery boy, but I don't have enough for a tip."

The Wiz said...

"Did you really think it was raining?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Oh, goodie, one George Willig reference wasn't enough."

Tim H said...

"Willig, Scmillig! I prefer my human flies French!"

Anonymous said...

"I'll judge it when I come down."

Anonymous said...

O Wa Te Goo Siam

Satireguy said...

"Keep climbing. The next unjudged cartoon is far more interesting."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Excuse me. Excuse me! Somebody's already sitting here!"

Anonymous said...

"There's no winners here. You might as well just climb back down."

Anonymous said...

"No leaves, but after 25 days I have developed roots!"

Anonymous said...

I'll bet his family and friends are more important to him than judging these contests. What a jerk!

Satireguy said...

"Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my ledge."

Satireguy said...

"This should protect you from the storm surge."

Anonymous said...

"How the hell do I know? Dead, busy, abandoning the contest, got hired by The Daily Show, what ev er! You came all the way up here to ask me that?"

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"I'm going to leave you hanging."

Anonymous said...

"I require 100 entries in order to judge you. And no, I can't move on to the next contest until that occurs."

Anonymous said...

"One mistake and there's nothing between you and four feet of water."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.