Sunday, September 23, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #351


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Under Obamacare this is what I get as generic Ambien."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stupid but it makes its point. There have been countless ill-informed assessments of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act which, of course is never referred to by its actual name. If Romney gets in [science forbid] we can call his plan the Insurance Company Profit Protection Act. Also, generic Ambien is pretty inexpensive. At Costco, 30 pills go for about $8. Take one and wash it down with a glass of wine. You'll sleep.)

SECOND PLACE
"NYU frat party."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Frat party, sure, but why pick on NYU? Why not _______ [fill in name of school you hate—everyone has one]. Also, so long as there are keg parties attended by freshman co-eds, there will be no need for frat guys to do ewes.)

THIRD PLACE
"Pa and me done reckon a town big enough to have 5 burros is pert nar big enough to have 5 sheep."--Billy-Bob Knob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice word play. You'd be amazed how many Californians can't name all five of NYC's boroughs. I once spoke with a guy who insisted the Statue of Liberty was on Staten Island. When I politely told that I lived on S.I. for over 25 years and that the Ms. Liberty could be found on Liberty Island. He said, “I'm pretty sure you're mistaken.” I let it drop.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"They said they haven't had sex acts with sheep in Times Square since Dinkins."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again the target is all wrong. Even in it's hey day, the abundance of sexual decadence available in Times Sq. did not include non-human sex acts—there was never any need.)

If I show them a few sites, some asshole chef can put "locally sourced" on his menu.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No doubt, by “asshole chef” you mean shrewd business man who is not adverse to taking advantage of assholes. Fun Fact: When he was running for VP, Dan Quayle’s bio said he was a “Viet Nam-era veteran.” It was based on his brief stent in the Indiana National Guard at a time when non-rich kids were dying in South East Asia. So technically he was deceiving but not lying.)

"We have to take the subway because of Bah-mageddon."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here in L.A. “carmageddon” is the term used to describe the weekend closing of a highway [they call them “freeways” here for some reason]. Even worst, they won't let bikes or skateboards use the abandoned road because the cops here total control freaks.)

Come and meet those dancing sheep
On the avenue I'm taking you to
Forty-Second Street
Here to seek, Little Bo Peep
It's the flock I love the sheer shock of
Forty-Second Street.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our research department tells me this is the first poem ever submitted by JohnnyB. Once again allow me to damn you with faint phrase: It's not your worse caption, not even close.)

The Taking of Sheepshead Bay 1 2 3!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a section of Brooklyn called Sheepshead Bay. I always found that gross. And, movie-wise, the original was better than the sequel, if you ask me.)

Please do not refer to them as "sheep". They prefer "Fox News viewers"--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is an insult to sheep. Besides, loyal Fox News viewers are more like a cross between rabid dogs and fungus.)

"Don't say I never warned you when your train gets lost, Bo Peep."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just remember this: If I don't make it, I know my baby will.)

My name is Sam. I cowrote "Brownsville Girl."--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The author/actor Sam Shepard did in fact help write that epic 11-minute song which is included on Dylan's 1986 album Knocked Out Loaded. In 1978, he also appeared in the classic four-hour film Renaldo andClara. For the last the time people, don't try to out-Dylan me!)

No, Mr. Baaaaahnd, I expect you to dye."--C. Woolery (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, this is not terrible.)

"Don't mind us folks. We're just in from--London."--Kathy H ( The link takes us to a news story with the headline ANIMALS SUSPECTED IN SPREAD OF NEW VIRUS. Remarkably the story does not include quotes from any animals other that humans. That's bias journalism if you ask me—and believe it or not I was once employed as an editor.)


96 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

The Taking of Sheepshead Bay 1 2 3!

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm missing the 'Sheriff's Girl'!"

JohnnyB said...

How do I get to the garment district?

NJ-to-TX said...

"They said they haven't had sex acts with sheep in Times Square since Dinkins."

Anonymous said...

"They're toilet trained all right. Watch."

boneguy said...

They're looking for someone called Mary.

boneguy said...

If I show them a few sites, some asshole chef can put "locally sourced" on his menu.

boneguy said...

They're headed uptown to hang with some black sheep.

Mike Mariano said...

"Oh, is this car full? We'll take the next one."

Satireguy said...

"Hey, you gals want to party?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Would you believe ... I ordered a 'Subway Lamb', and ......

Dr Sumguy said...

"NO ROOM! ... Well I'll be Flocked!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"SILENCE ........... lambs cover your ears!"

JohnnyB said...

Come and meet those dancing sheep,
On the avenue I'm taking you to,
Forty-Second Street.
Here to seek, Little Bo Peep,
It's the flock I love the sheer shock of,
Forty-Second Street.

Dr Sumguy said...

"YEAH ... And 'Baa-Ram-Ewe' you too!"

boneguy said...

Please do not refer to them as "sheep". They prefer "Fox News viewers".

NJ-to-TX said...

"Lady, you're living in the Twentieth Century. Our marriage has been legal in New York since 2021."

Dex said...

"Because the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick."

Dex said...

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking sheep on this motherfucking train!"

Anonymous said...

"Fucking bleating heart liberals."

Shelly said...

"Under Obamacare this is what I get as generic Ambien."

Jack T., Co-Manager at Rent-a-Tent said...

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis."

Keeping Kosher said...

"If any y'all is lactating, we'd be happy to take the next train."

Anonymous said...

"Stop me if you've herd this before."

Kathy H said...

"Hey, can one of you guys drop them off at the Fordham Rd. stop?"

Tim H said...

"Hey. I'm just a shepherd-in-training."

Tim H said...

"I said shepherd-in-training."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don't say I never warned you when your train gets lost, Bo Peep."

Angus Podgorny said...

My name is Sam. I cowrote "Brownsville Girl."

Angus Podgorny said...

Is this the Rock Island Line? I've got all livestock.

Don Jr. said...

"Sheep and all aspects of comedy go hand in hand".

Lonely Shepherd (Thanks, Zamfir) said...

"Is it that they're sheep, or that they're all draining my spunk?"

Anonymouse said...

"I'm taking my sheep to Citi Field's Bark in the Park 'cause I taught them all to bark. Y'know, like dogs."

C. Woolery said...

"No, Mr. Baaaaahnd, I expect you to dye."

Kathy H said...

"When I say, 'Does the downtown subway run all night?' you say, 'Doo-dah! doo-dah!'"

Anne Gora said...

After I laminated my t-pass all hell broke loose

Angus from edinburg said...

I know woolite will take care of the jizz stains, but what about the DNA

boneguy said...

Didn't you read that sheep futures are worth shit in today's Wool Street Journal?

Damon said...

Shepherd: "Fresh condoms! Get your fresh condoms here!"

Police Officer: "Sir, I can only assume that, by `fresh condoms', you mean to slaughter these sheep for their skin. You can't do that within city limits."

Shepherd: "...tampons! Fresh tampons!"


6-Inch Turkey on Wheat said...

"Where's the Subway? No! The SUBway!"

Mutton, Honey said...

"Yeah? Well, it'll cost ya' $65 bucks to 'fuck ewe', mister! And I'm not even talking anal."

Shitland Sheepdog said...

"Lassie, come home!"

B. Stiality said...

"We're trying to find the 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask II' auditions."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Thre're from the cast of '42nd Street, the Ungulates' ... Music by George Shearing ... Lyrics by Hannibal Lecter!"

Anonymous said...

"Mutton, honey."

Anonymous said...

"Merino...Dan Merino, and we're in a five wide spread."

boneguy said...

They're enjoying their last few hours of leave before deployment to Afghan.

LR said...

"Is the Meadowlands pasture stop?"

Anonymouse said...

"Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy, too. Wouldn't you?"

boneguy said...

Don't mind the sheep. They are their way to redeeming a Groupon for a racquet string factory tour.

JohnnyB said...

Marzydoats and dozzydoats and little lamzydivey, a kiddlee divey doo, wooden shoe.

Tim H said...

"Does this train have a bah car?"

Anonymous said...

"It is amazing how filthy rich they are and how little they get out".

NJ-to-TX said...

"But we came all this way! Are you sure? Shari Lewis is dead?"

Kathy H said...

"La vía del tren subterráneo es peligrosa."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Your safety is important to us. Please stand clear, of the ovine feces, as trains enter, and leave, the station....Your safety is important to us. Please stand clear, of the ovine feces, as trains enter, and leave, the station... Your safety is im..."

Twiggy said...

"Tell the black ones to get off in Harlem."

Seamus Ateverwuzz said...

Seamus used to take them at the clifffs in Glasgow. I'm gonna "Seamus" all over the platform, I said!

Billy-Bob Knob said...

"Pa and me done reckon a town big enough to have 5 burros is pert nar big enough to have 5 sheep."

Anonymous said...

Johnny B is telling his age.

Hairy Palms 23 said...

"My rod and my staff, they comfort me."

Anonymous said...

"The sign says 'no spitting.' Is says nothing about defecating and urinating."

boneguy said...

I told you this town is shear madness.

Kathy H said...

"Don't mind us folks. We're just in from London."

Anonymous Coward said...

"I said Peep. Bo Peep. Anyone? No?"

Anonymous said...

"I thought I was buying The Cheap Guide to New York."

Anonymous said...

"Let's go sheeple. The real sheep are back."

Satireguy said...

"Can I interest you in a seven-way?"

Anonymous said...

"...then the little girl answers, 'Does my mother having sex with sheep bother me? Naaaaaaaaah'..."

boneguy said...

Everyone please make room for the Cultural Affairs Section of the Australian UN delegation.

Dr Sumguy said...

"These are 'Dacron' producing sheep ... Originally conceived by mating Poly with Ester ... Now used in making Crash Dummies for the Dodge Ram!"

Damon said...

"We have to take the subway because of Bah-mageddon."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Move the damn train! I'm cooking mutton on the third rail."

Anonymous said...

"Is that the 2? They all have to go #2."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hello Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly ......!"

Anonymous said...

“Shepherd’s Bush? No, that’s on the Central Line. But thanks for the offer.”


---left coast wayne

Steve_O said...

"NYU frat party."

Armageddon Outta Here said...

"Hurry up! After Big Bird, Romney's coming after Little Sheep!"

Satireguy said...

"Where are the black sheep? They got off in Harlem."

I Want Ewe! said...

"Google me at sheeptickets.com."

Waka Flocka Sheep said...

"We're on our way to the groomer's; they're infested with fleece."

Anonymous said...

"I had a slight misunderstanding with my client about what type of voter they wanted".

Tim H said...

"What are the chances of me -- a shepherd -- coming down to the subway and bumping into a flock of sheep?"

Kathy H said...

"Excuse me, but Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly and Dolly here have to get to a funeral right quick."

Take The "A Train" said...

"Does this train stop at Shepherd Avenue?"

Satireguy said...

"Yes, they are Yankee fans. Why do you ask?"

Early 'n' Often said...

"Once again an important nationally- televised debate ignored the growing problem of lack of proper sheep transportation options! Why?!"

hungry i said...

"Do I take the M train or the J train if I'm looking for mint jelly?"

Anonymous said...

"I am taking them to the slaughter house or the Romney campaign head quarter, either one."

Anonymous said...

"I am their pimp".

Anonymous said...

"Hey! No fair everyone knows that Alinla is a Mets fan."

Godot said...

"Waited and waited for Al to do the 4-H sheep judging. Then finally said fuck it, lets all go to New York and hang out in Times Square."

Anonymous said...

Backed Up!? http://www.rotorooter.com/

Anonymous said...

"Ha Ha, Shepard Fairey—that's a good one. Double mastectomy?"

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