Monday, June 11, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #338


WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"I see you've found a way to compensate for your lack of talent."--Air Stein (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This may be dull but it's insightful. The cultural landscape is dotted with no-talent assholes who believe girth is synonymous with grandeur. If you can't do it well, do it in an obnoxious in-your-face way that will assure notice. That's just how we roll--and not just here at the Anti-Cap contest, although admittedly we cling to that approach more than most. )


SECOND PLACE

"AA already has a big book!"--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was entered by a relative of mine who had the courage and self discipline to confront the demons that were haunting his life. I know he entered this because he did so after letting me use his computer to post the Superman-on-a-plane cartoon. [Mrs al in la and I were visiting for a few days.] After showing him the cartoon and explaining the Anti Cap concept [such as it is], he said he had a cap of his own he wanted to throw on the heap. I promised him at least an Honorable Mention, then upgraded him to Second Place when he made us a great dinner [the only Anti-Capper ever to do so]. I realize this is blatant nepotism, but you have to appreciate the transparency. )


THIRD PLACE
"'Kama Sutra' called, they're looking forward to the life-sized second edition!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  It makes no sense to say "Kama Sulta called."  It's like saying "the phone book called..." Still, the cap seeks to find a practical application for such a huge book.  As it happens "looking forward" is also a popular position found in the book. This may have been funnier if she suggested he was creating "the Kama Sutra for Dummies." ) 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"I'm leaving you, Dan, for a better-drawn cartoon character."--wgh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Just a reminder: Mocking the cartoonist is a sure way to curry favor here. )



No doubt another mastepiece by Alexander Dumbass.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminded me of a scene in the film "Shawshank Redemption" where the imates are sifting through books for the prison library. When one of them comes across "The Count of Monte Cristo" by Alexandre Dumas, he pronounces the author's name as "Dumbass," thus giving me a fool proof way to remember this bit of literary trivia.) 

"By any chance, did you graduate from Penn?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not much to see here. The take away: "Penn" is short for the University of Pennsylvania and "pen" is the name of the writing implement being used by a character in the cartoon  Penn is an ivy league university that is not affiliated with Penn State--a point that will be the focus of their marketing efforts in the post-pedophile era.)



"So you know a lot of big words! Big deal!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to say if he is a pompous jerk or she is just clueless. The point:  Ill-informed people often take umbrage at smart people stuff like big words. Really stupid people think that "big words" refers to words printed in large type. Too bad Kathy did not provide a link explaining her intention.)

"I know but Big does me no good if I am not getting any".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The last cap entered. The sexual innuendo here suggests that he is well hung but refuses to pleasure her.  Similarly a book, no matter how big it is, is worthless if it sucks. The point is I read all the caps.)


Would you stop fucking that giant book and come in to dinner?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The writer's prone position leads Johnny to conclude this is a sex act.  The "come-to-dinner part" reveals Johnny's bourgeois values.  Overall, the caption confirms all you need to know about our "special" Anti-Capper.)

"Evrolet girl called - she wants her journal back."--NJ-to-T(JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to a previous contest. Lame and tired.  Also that whole "So-and-so called, they want their such-and-such back" is like soooooooo 1995.)

"It's for that tall bitch who throws cars, right?"--
Anonymous 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Same shit, different toilet.  Also, there was no evidence that Evrolet girl threw any cars. She merely picked them up. Please get your facts straight.)


"Christ, what an asshole."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This might have worked if it said "Chris, what an ass!" We could then assume his name is Chris and she is simply admiring his butt. As it stands she is just ripping him down.)

"Christ, what a bigass folio."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A little better because it is literally true and incorporates publishing lingo.)
Christ Bob, ever since that Medal of Freedom thing, you've been taking yourself sooo seriously.--bone guy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  You're kidding, right? Bob was there as a favor to Barry.)

"I get the whole 'Italian poet in the 13th Century' thing. But... Oh, shit, never mind!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to Dylan's masterpiece "Tangled up in Blue."  The actual line refers to a book"written by an Italian poet from the fifteenth century." So you were only off by 200 years. Once again I caution Anti-Cappers not to try and out-Dylan me.

"Dylan's pulled ahead of the Island Boys, 102-101. I thought you'd like to know.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Noted. The Dylan photo Bonus Cap set a record. No surprise there. )


"'My Back Pages'? Oh, it's bigger than that, honey."---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  And yet another Dylan reference. I don't really get it beyond using the name of an early album...but I'm fine with that.)
Did you know that Barack Obama thanked his angry looking white guy drug dealer Ray, in his high school yearbook dedication?   Apparently, neither did alinla .--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, I did know--and don't give a shit. Back in the day, the guy I used to cop from on Staten Island was a good  friend--as was the guy who cut my hair and the guy who fixed my car. So what's your point?)
"You must know of course, this Anti-Caption Cartoon will be judged waaaaaaay before you finish your book!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Hate to get all metaphysical on you, but the book, by definition, will never be finished. It is simply a drawing of a guy writing a book. The image is as indelible as the ink used to print it in the NYer.  Come back in 20, 50 or 1000 years and he will still be lying on his tummy writing. In contrast, the judging for this contest is finished...[wait for it]....RIGHT NOW! )

83 comments:

Anonymous said...

"It's for that tall bitch who throws cars, right?"

Kathy H said...

Thus started "Writ Large Press"

Dr Sumguy said...

The Book of Job.

boneguy said...

I can't wait to see your phonograph for the hearing impaired.

Anonymous said...

“Sg&~~(L`+....tttooM w,LpL eq ^WV,~~``, you little fucktard.”

Tim H said...

"Once again, Stupidhead, per se does not mean for instance, OK?!"

Anonymouse said...

"I know you're excited about being rescued from that island, but isn't this a bit much?"

Kathy H said...

"Why don't you just get a pair of eyeglasses?"

smuck said...

"Those are some big words, little man."

JohnnyB said...

No, I haven't seen your giant pencil. Maybe you left it at work.

JohnnyB said...

Have you seen an egg in here anywhere?

JohnnyB said...

Would you stop fucking that giant book and come in to dinner?

Mike Mariano said...

MRS. MACMANUS: "Declan, I'm tired of telling you this every day: stop writing in that book and come downstairs for dinner!"

Tim H said...

"I'm just sayin'. Obamacare don't cover Writer's Cramp."

Anonymouse said...

"For 'A show about nothing,' that sure is one big-ass script."

Satireguy said...

"It may not be the greatest American novel but it sure as hell is going to be the biggest."

Kathy H said...

"Shannon Wheeler's on the phone. He said you've had too much coffee."

Tim H said...

"I have to hand it to you, Steven. For an illiterate, you've really made something of yourself."

LV said...

"I know you're plagiarizing; and when they catch you, I hope they throw the book at you."

dr Sumguy said...

"I can't find your little sister! She might be UNDER page 38 ... 'Missing Persons'!"

Anonymouse said...

"When you said that you were 'turning over a new leaf,' I didn't think it was going to be such a big deal."

Anonymous said...

"Lose your place again? That wouldn't happen with a Kindle, you moron."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I am big. It’s the pictures that got small . . . unfortunately, the books got hella’ bigger.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"'My Back Pages'? Oh, it's bigger than that, honey."


---left coast wayne

boneguy said...

I'm answering the ad looking for a proofreader who can bench 350.

Dex said...

"Christ, what a bigass folio."

Steve_O said...

"What did I tell you about macro-blogging with no pants on?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Let's call it 'Faithbook'! Time for dinner Vinklevoss!"

Anonymous said...

"It's freezing in here so I set the thermostat to 475."

Anonymous said...

"It's too late. Grandma just croaked."

NJ-to-TX said...

"So Herschel, how will we sell this giant torah of yours if all the words are backwards?"

boneguy said...

So, your last two girlfriends died reading in bed?

Kathy H said...

"I don't think I'll have the energy if this turns out to be a real page-turner."

Steve_O said...

"How the hell do you reach the top line of the book?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I guess you won't be needing your 'Itty Bitty Book Light'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Tempur-Pedic'called! They're interested in your somnolent-sleep system!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Would you like to see my pro-LOG?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Evrolet girl called - she wants her journal back."

boneguy said...

I usually get my period about now. Do you have any extra?

Anonymous said...

"Look, I was angry when I said you have a small penis."

Anonymous said...

"I read the first three chapters last night. I couldn't put it down. I couldn't pick it up, either.

Jim Cavanaugh

NJ-to-TX said...

"I haven't seen Fluffy for days. What's that smell in here?"

Satireguy said...

"Dear Diary - If my girlfriend comes in here and makes one more stupid comment about you, I'm going to stab her with this crayon."

Satireguy said...

"It would be a lot easier to write this book if I didn't have two bricks in the ass of my pants."

Anonymous Coward said...

"I meant 'think big' metaphorically."

Steve_O said...

"I want a divorce."

Anonymous said...

"Dylan's pulled ahead of the Island Boys, 102-101. I thought you'd like to know."

boneguy said...

I'm pregnant and it's the inkman's.

Jess said...

"If they make it into a movie I suppose it will have to be in Imax."

Tim H said...

"By any chance, did you graduate from Penn?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Where's the whore? Hiding behind page xxx, like last time?"

Anonymouse said...

"No. You may not use my ironing board as a bookmark."

Steve_O said...

"Please tell me that's a suicide note."

Anonymous said...

“I want to see your appendix on the back of this page.”

Richard H said...

"I'm not sure this is the right format in which to convey your dislike of Twitter, Mr Franzen"

Steve_O said...

"And yet you can't find ten seconds to sign the divorce decree."

Kathy H said...

"So you know a lot of big words! Big deal!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Kama Sutra' called, they're looking forward to the life-sized second edition!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's called 'The Book of Melvin'. The Mormons have already ordered 3 copies!"

Anonymous said...

"You turned a dessert tasting into a book."

Rex said...

"You want my two cents? A normal sized book that is interesting and well written would be more likely to get a publisher's attention...If that hurts I'm sorry."

Tim H said...

"When you told me that you wanted to be a bookie, I had no idea...."

Anonymous said...

"I get the whole 'Italian poet in the 13th Century' thing. But... Oh, shit, never mind!"

boneguy said...

I know this is a stupid question, but have you seen the invisible ink?

Anonymous said...

"Book 'im, Danno."


---McGarrett

Dr Sumguy said...

"Remember! ... 'The Book of Bigfoot' ... Needs large Footnotes!"

Anonymous said...

"It's a cookbook!" Sombody had to enter it.

Anonymous said...

"Christ, what an asshole."

bone guy said...

Christ Bob, ever since that Medal of Freedom thing, you've been taking yourself sooo seriously.

Air Stein said...

"I see you've found a way to compensate for your lack of talent."

boneguy said...

Did you know that Barack Obama thanked his angry looking white guy drug dealer Ray, in his high school yearbook dedication?
Apparently, neither did alinla .

Don Jr. said...

"AA already has a big book!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So this is the new 'Dwarf Tossing Manual'!"

Anonymous said...

"I thought you married me for my good books."

Dr Sumguy said...

"You must know of course, this Anti-Caption Cartoon will be judged waaaaaaay before you finish your book!"

Anonymous said...

No doubt another mastepiece by Alexander Dumbass.

wgh said...

"I'm leaving you, Dan, for a better-drawn cartoon character."

Friend Request Denied said...

"Now you suck in bold print."

Bound in Leather said...

"You've always tried too hard between the sheets."

Shirley said...

"Broke a toy I don't annoy, Elle o hey new, Mel a hole llama..."

Anonymous said...

"I know but Big does me no good if I am not getting any".

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