Sunday, June 17, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #339














WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Fucking FAA and their restricted airspace. As if I'll ever save any of their asses."--NJ-to-TX  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Could be a statement about tea party people and other anti-government types who feel the feds have no business directing air traffic.  Bottom line: Stupid laws supposedly aimed at curbing the number of mid-air collisions have the unintended consequence of preventing superheros from fighting crime. That's something the liberals never talk about.)
SECOND PLACE
Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot.--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The Superman here does look a bit like Cage, a talented and high strung actor who has taken a few very strange roles over the years.  A very preceptive and clever cap that knocks the stuffing out of a Hollywood fat cat.  I'd like to think this means Johnny got his groove back, but I have been disappointed before. )
THIRD PLACE
"Sure, I can fly. But who wants to go all the way to Cleveland without at least one martini? Plus, I hear the baked chicken and au gratin potatoes aren't bad."--Fly Me!  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:   Think of this as a rebuttal to the winning entry. Even if you can fly on your own, it's still more comfortable to take a plane. And if you are going from NYC to D.C., take Amtrak, it's actually quicker and cheaper.  This cap could have simply said "Who wants to go to Cleveland?" but that would be too obvious.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You can blame those cocksuckers at the FAA!"--Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The blame does not lie with mid-level bureaucrats who enjoy giving blow jobs. It's those clueless politicians who do not recognize that the skys belong to those rich enough to own planes [or smoke stacks for that matter.]  Similar to this week's winner but not as specific.)


"We're testing new Air Marshal uniforms. Do you think the hairdo is too much?"---Anonymous Coward  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not bad if you get past a few things:  Air marshals don't wear uniforms because that would be unsettling to the passengers. And realistically, if they wore Superman suits they would be laughed at.  Also, no one really says "hairdo," anymore. )

"Don't be offended, but in case of an emergency, I'm going to use you as my personal flotation device!"--Dr Sumguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is truly awful for a few reasons. Superman would not need a flotation device. In fact if the plane where about to crash he could go out the exit door and fly around the world so fast that he could go back in time and switch his flight to one that doesn't crash. That would be a lot less selfish than drowning some poor soul just to save his ass.)

"Look out the window, dude. It's a lake. It's a mountain. It's a bird. It's a plain. It's super, man."-- 
smuck 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works better if you assume the guy is returning from Amsterdam and ate the last of his Space Cakes as he boarded the plane.  The other guy is probably looking around to see if there are any empty seats.)

"And you must be Superman the Jew."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  To which the other guy says, "Ah...I make a living.")

JohnnyB's "Nick Cage..." Game over man. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Remarkably this was entered from someone who is not Johnny. Made me think of Bill Paxton's frantic character in "Alien."  Cage should have got that part but he was 15 when it was made.)

"Trust me. The only thing I need secured snugly and low across my hips is a stewardess."-- 


Sam Antic 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: But first let's have her wiggle her cute little butt on over here with an extra dry martini. This is funny in a 1962 kind of way.)

You might recognize me. I was voted New York's Best Building Maintenance Person in 2011. You know, the Super Super.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And now, having signed a promo deal with DC Comics, he travels the country in this ridiculous outfit. Makes you wonder if they ever toyed with the idea of changing Superman to Superperson or maybe Above Average Person to make him more accessible to people with self esteem issues.)


"Sadly, the powers here are not keen."--Shelly  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cap classic the seems kind of bland until you imagine Superman is traveling to the Fortress of Solitude to reclaim his powers. As such this could be the first frame of a new story.) 

Man and Superman.--Nietzsche  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The signature tells you all you need to know. Nietzsche [or "Freddy the Philosopher" as he was known to friends] felt good and evil were in constant conflict, rendering all existence a painful and pointless struggle. Turns out he had chronic health issues, which was the real reason he was always in a bad mood. Who knew?)

"Yes, and the airline is owned by my uncle El-Al."--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This appears to be a nod to Jor-el, Superman's biological father who saved his infant son Kal-El [aka Superbaby] moments before Krypton went kablooey. Seems they all had weird names except his mom, whose name was Lara. Also, as crossword solvers know, El-Al is the name of the main carrier serving Israel.)  

It's a Union thing.--Don Jr.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Last week's Silver Metal winer has fallen off the leader board but he is still a valued member of the Anti-Cap family. )

"Are you as excited about the post-pedophile era as I am?!"--Tim H  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This shows that Tim reads my comments [Thanks Pal! Some weeks I think it's just the Mrs. and me.] So, I'd like to use this opportunity to ask what happened to little Kim? She swings by once, gets her ass kicked and stops entering?  She does not seem to have the tough hide  evident in the rest of the H family.)



"I won the ticket. I guessed all of the Dylan songs in the pictograph." --Anonymous 

(JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Guess? It is not something you guess at, my friend. And did you realize the answers are printed in small print at the bottom of the image? [I, of course, did not need them!] Also I saw the pictograph on Huff Post independently of this entry so I'm only kissing your butt a little.)


"Yes. I used to live in Staten Island, but now I live in L.A."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That is by bio but I am only Superman to a 17-month old adorable little girl who is amazed that I can make an owl dance with a star on the screen of my computer and appreciates that I would watch it again and again and again until she falls a sleep in my arms. Once again Tim shows a degree of familiarity with the judge that is both impressive and slightly creepy. )














..

120 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"They gave me credit for MY frequent flyer miles"!

boneguy said...

Did you know I changed my motto to "every man for himself"?

Dr Sumguy said...

"As 'Superman Man of Steel', I had trouble getting through security!"

boneguy said...

I'll tell you what's not so super. Trying to take a leak in this getup.

boneguy said...

Did you say you were in insurance ?

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, the 'S' now looks like a masked white man holding up a bank...I get it."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Don't be offended, but in case of an emergency, I'm going to use you as my personal flotation device!"

Anonymous said...

"Aren't you that famous lawyer who gets murderers acquitted?"

Clark Kant said...

"Being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound is a useless talent."

Fly Me! said...

"Sure, I can fly. But who wants to go all the way to Cleveland without at least one martini? Plus, I hear the baked chicken and au gratin potatoes aren't bad."

JohnnyB said...

Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot.

JohnnyB said...

You can tell this is fake because of all the legroom. You are probably just dreaming.

Anonymous said...

"But Lois called me Drooperman until I started taking Viagra."

JohnnyB said...

I'm more powerful than a locomotive but I think this airplane could take me in a fair fight.

NJ-to-TX said...

"I have saved you all from Suitcaseman! Wanna join the mile-high club and celebrate with me?"

smuck said...

"Excuse me. I need to go take a superdump."

Dr Sumguy said...

"No, it's not Elvis! Although my favorite song is 'Don't Ask Me Why'!"

Evil Mark said...

Calmly but quickly, ask around for some kryptonite; otherwise, I will be utterly and uncontrollably destroying these air sickness bags...

NJ-to-TX said...

"Dude! You're in an exit row! If you are unable or prefer not to perform the required functions, please let the flight attendants know and they'll be happy to find you another seat."

smuck said...

"Look out the window, dude. It's a lake. It's a mountain. It's a bird. It's a plain. It's super, man."

Steve_O said...

"Praise be to Allah. Which way to the cockpit?"

Steve_O said...

"No, that wasn't me. You'll know when I fart."

Anonymous said...

"And you must be Superman the Jew."

Kathy H said...

"Why, yes, I do work for Super Saver Airlines Tickets."

Tim H said...

"Actually, I'm just a superintendent of a small brownstone on the Upper West Side."

Anonymouse said...

"For the life of me, I don't know why they cancelled Pan Am."

Anonymouse said...

"...maybe. But getting this outfit dry cleaned is a bitch."

Tim H said...

"Yes. I used to live in Staten Island , but now I live in L.A."

Boneguy said...

I'll trade your peanuts for my oxygen mask.

boneguy said...

Then one day I woke up and realized what Tony Robbins meant when he told me, "Don't
overlook the power of the unitard".

Anonymous said...

JohnnyB's "Nick Cage..." Game over man.

Satireguy said...

"Fuck off. I'm on vacation."

Satireguy said...

"And when they said I couldn't leave, I said 'Excuse me but I admitted myself and I can damn well check myself out if I want to'."

Dex said...

"Sorry pal, you must have me confused with the Green Lantern."

Anonymous said...

"Looking for some action?"

boneguy said...

I'm not used to seeing civilians on the Gotham City- Metropolis shuffle.

boneguy said...

I'm not used to seeing civilians on the Gotham City- Metropolis shuttle.

June 18, 2012 9:02 PM

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm Superman, and No, you can't have the window seat!

Anonymous said...

"I got tired of flying into guy wires...THAT'S why."

Kathy H said...

"Getting there is half the fun."

Anonymouse said...

"You need any phone books torn up? 'Cause, I'm your man."

Kathy H said...

"My biographer is working as we speak. He said it's going to be a 'VERY BIG' book."

Peder N. said...

"Please...close...your...Krypto...quote...book...uhhhhhh....."

Anonymous said...

"I'm sorry you don't like the suit, but it's impossible to find a phone booth these days."

Jim Cavanaugh

Sam Antic said...

"Trust me. The only thing I need secured snugly and low across my hips is a stewardess."

Anonymous said...

"I won the ticket. I guessed all of the Dylan songs in the pictograph."

NJ-to-TX said...

"It's my armrest - What do you wanna do about it? Ready to step outside, dumbass?"

Tim H said...

"Between you and me, I don't know how this thing stays up in the air."

Satireguy said...

"No, no relation."

Anonymous said...

"Because you look, Muslim, that's why."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

...so when I came to I was handcuffed to her bed with a green rock up my ass and, stop me if you've heard this one....

Anonymous said...

"Speeding bullet, locomotive, tall building in a single bound—that's all fucking Hollywood."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Can't say the 'B' word on the aircraft! I understand the in-flight movie is the 'Hurt Locker'!"

Dex said...

"Please don't take the peanuts, I'm allergic."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Superpowers are so Cold War, man."

Nietzsche said...

Man and Superman.

Dex said...

"Christ, what an "S" hole."

boneguy said...

You might recognize me. I was voted New York's Best Building Maintenance Person in 2011. You know, the Super
Super.

Anonymous said...

"I found my niche."

Anonymous said...

"I placed my curling iron where the sun doesn't shine and getting past security was a snap."

wgh said...

"I could get lost in your eyes."

Tim H said...

"Mostly it's because I don't know how to tie my own necktie."

Shelly said...

"Sadly, the powers here are not keen."

"My package never left Smallville."

Steve_O said...

"No, that's Batman you're thinking of. I've always been straight."

Don Jr. said...

It's a Union thing.

boneguy said...

It's a relief getting away. All I hear at home is Lois complaining about my one time performance .

boneguy said...

It's a relief getting away. All I hear at home is Lois complaining about my on time performance .

wgh said...

"No, but I'm super drunk."

wgh said...

"Right now, in this chair, I could flex my muscle and kill you."

boneguy said...

Amongst my many accomplishments, I'm most proud of inventing the Jeri curl.

Loins Gird with Truth said...

"Oh, you noticed? Yes, my new uniform was made by the people at Spanx. There's a pee hole in the crotch, but no more cellulite!

REX said...

"Wake me if anyone tries anything."

Anonymous said...

"Actually, I'm Supperman, so how's about we start you off with a knuckle sandwich?"

My Dog, Krypto said...

"And you expect logic from one of Brando's kids?"

TWA (Teenie-Weenie Afro) said...

"Supergirl's actually my first cousin, but boy can she suck a . . . Look! They're bringing more liquor."

TWA (Teenie-Weenie Afro) said...

"So I says, 'What does Shazam! mean anyway?'. But he's with Whiz Comics. Telling, isn't it? Look! Here comes the liquor!"

TWA (Teenie-Weenie Afro) said...

"Brylcreem, often referred to as greasy kid stuff. 'A little dab'll do ya', the girls will all pursue ya'. Look! Here comes the liquor!"

TWA (Teenie-Weenie Afro) said...

"Jor-El? Kal-El? Of course we're Arabs. The 'S' stands for 'Saharan'. Look! Here comes the liquor!"

TWA (Teenie-Weenie Afro) said...

"Say, Toni Morrison is my favorite too! Which one is that, 'Tar Baby' or 'Beloved'? Look! Here comes the liquor!"

Austin said...

Why yes, I do have x-ray vision. Speaking of which, you should probably get that testicular cancer looked at before it gets bigger.

Walt said...

"So what if the liquor's coming? I'm more powerful than a liquor motive."

Walt said...

"Of course I answer all prayers. It's just sometimes, the answer's 'no.'"

boneguy said...

FYI, as part of my rebranding strategy I've renamed it MRI vision with everyone wigged out over too much radiation and all. Gotta keep up with the times, old man.

Satireguy said...

"Yes, and the airline is owned by my uncle El-Al."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Fucking FAA and their restricted airspace. As if I'll ever save any of their asses."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Based on the obvious cabin odor and my super keen sense of smell, I detect a detonated thong bomb. Protochol demands an upright 'Shake your Leg, Watch for the Turd' test and subsequent evacuation! Have a nice day!"

Steve_O said...

"I dare you to open the emergency door and jump. I promise I'll catch you. Really."

Anonymous said...

"I mostly work birthday parties now and molest children."

Anonymous said...

"Times have changed. I flew too close to the White House and took a hellfire missile up the ass."

Anonymous Coward said...

"We're testing new Air Marshal uniforms. Do you think the hairdo is too much?"

S. Mann said...

"It's a turd, it's in a plane...it's YOU!"

Steve_O said...

"You can blame those cocksuckers at the FAA!"

Satireguy said...

"Thanks to my recent exposure to pink kryptonite, I can no longer fly and I now have an unnatural affinity for Broadway show tunes."

Anonymous said...

“Perry White has more hair than you. Lots more.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.”


---Jack Twist

Dr Sumguy said...

"I have a bad feeling about you! You look just like Lex Luthor's landlady without the necktie. Drop your shorts cookie, it's time for a gender check!"

Anonymous said...

"the older I get the better I was".

Utellme said...

"Would you believe I'm impotent?"

NAMBY said...

"Some business dude gave me his seat in first class when they announced I was on board. Happens all the time."

Anonymous said...

"It's origin was 'SS' during WWII."

JohnnyB said...

one hundred and first!

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"And when we land, I'm taking the Super Shuttle."

Satireguy said...

"It's called a busman's holiday, asshole."

Jess said...

"Superheros in uniform fly for half-fare on Southwest. That's why."

Anonymous said...

"You're no Jimmy Olson. I knew Jimmy Olson and you're no Jimmy Olson."


---blw

REX said...

"I'm am very sorry to shatter your illusions but, yes, I have to take a shit. Now will you please let me get out to the aisle?"

Anonymous said...

"Al attributed the 13th Century reference to the anti-capper instead of the wife. And a lot of people think I'm dead because I must be Christopher Reeve!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Barry, my advice to you. Don't ever wear a cape! It gets caught every time I wipe my ass, and now I have huge caperrhoids!"

Anonymous said...

"I know all about Nietzsche. He played for the Packers."

CPK said...

"I wish you hadn't worn lead undies."

Tim H said...

"Are you as excited about the post-pedophile era as I am?!"

Anonymous said...

"This seatbelt is superfluous."

JohnnyB said...

It says, "come in to dinner', not "come to dinner."

Shmuel Boorstein said...

I know what your thinking...My jetpack's are out of order.

Anonymouse said...

"Excuse me, I have to go to the toidy."

Kathy H said...

"Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"

Kathy H said...

...oops...

"Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"

Meant for Contest No. 340.

Bat Man said...

"I've just accepted a CPA position in Tupelo. When I saw the ad, I said, 'This is a job for Superman.'."

Anonymous said...

"I am I am Superman and I know what's happening.
I am I am I am Superman and I can do anything."

sohbet said...

very blog
sohbet odaları & sohbet & sohbet
chat sohbet & kelebek sohbet & kelebek chat
kelebek indir & mirc indir &kelebek sohbet
kelebek chat & sohbet odalari & sohbet
cinsel sohbet & cinsel chat &
urfa & urfa haber
sohbet & chat
kelebek sohbet & kelebek chat
chat yap
sohbet & chat & sohbet kanalları
sohbet kanalı & chat kanalı & sohbet
mynet sohbet & mynet & mirc indir
mirc & mirc indir

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.