Sunday, June 24, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #340























WINNERS 


FIRST PLACE
"I am impressed! And without a lower torso!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even if it yields an asinine cap, the literal interpretation of the image is a tried and true Anti-Cap short-cuts strategy. We can't see the lower part of the climber's body so we can not assume it is there. Ironically the cap itself is not impressive but, you know...) 

SECOND PLACE
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Regurgitating  an old classic cap with no added value, no new twist or even a hint of effort, will usually draw only a sigh of exasperation from your judge. In this instance, it has merit if we assume the climber is a mentally ill man named Fusilli who was, as it happens, born out of wedlock. He was repeatedly urged not to climb the mountain so, as a compromise, he arranged to have his shrink waiting for him near the summit. [He was air lifted there in advance.] Make those assumptions and this is brilliant. Kathy provided a link that leads to a blog that published the original cartoon a few years ago.  So there's also that.) 

THIRD PLACE
I'm here to remind you that whoever climbs this mountain is nuts.--
boneguy 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could be a metaphor for life itself. One wonders why the guy with the beard made the up-hill climb--but that could simply reflect the bedrock principle of psychology: "it takes one to know one.") 




HONORABLE MENTIONS 
"Were you trying to get away from a New Yorker psychiatrist's couch cartoon? `Cause you can't."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A valid point. A shrink's couch is as common to NYer cartoons as black folks are rare. Other perennials include desert islands, talking animals, married couples sitting on a sofa and dorky men lamenting their pointless lives.





"That's right. I'm not only the Cartoon Editor, I'm the Great Enlightened One. How did you find me? Oh, yeah, the name on the shingle."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: By now, we know Kathy well enough to know that by"shingle" she does not mean a painful blistering skin rash. Too bad. She is, however, alluding to people who over estimate their worth--people with titles like "Cartoon Editor" or "Anti-Caption Judge.")


"Yes, son, this is the place where you guru up."--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can almost see Johnny snap his fingers and say "I got it!" when he thought this one up. "Now I HAVE to get at LEAST an honorable mention!" He was right, you know.) 


"Parking problems? Don't worry. I validate!"---Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute...but people don't seek counseling to gain validation. They enter pointless captions in meaningless contests for that.) 


"Welcome, Mr. Horn. Have a seat, and tell me what's the matter, Horn."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is much, much better than Johnny's guru thing but I can't be bothered cutting and pasting stuff around just to avoid hurt feelings.) 

"Sorry dude, but the sofa's spoken for `cause someone offered more money. My Craigslist ad turned into an auction. Crazy, right?"--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is better if you assume the ad ran in "casual encounters" and "sofa" is slang for you-know-what.  Either way, guys in L.A. seem to believe "Sorry dude" covers any situation where they did something rude, stupid or thoughtless.) 


"R.A.Dickey! I didn't expect to see you here!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Turns out the best pitcher in baseball climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro for charity during the off season. He even published updates on his progress in the NY Times. The only reason I know this is because of the link, so they are not always pointless. Thanks, Kathy!) 

"I'm so happy that Mountain Climbing/Psychoanalysis is now an Olympic event!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If it was, the Austrian team would clean everyone's clock.  To be honest, I'm not crazy about this one [Get it?] but Kathy had a strong week and I didn't want Tim to feel neglected. ) 

"Fire! Fire on the mountain. I will get by. I will get by. I will get by. I will survive."--Jerry (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One or two caps that remarked that the bearded man looks like Jerry Garcia.  A little heavy handed but we love our Dead.)  


Christ, what an ascent!"--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit obvious. How about "Christ, what an asinine thing to do." That works because it applies to the cartoon as well as Johnny's entry.) 


"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your climbing device is a crampon."--Dex  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A what? Climbing gear is in fact strapped on so why not go with that? You're over thinking and under achieving.) 

"Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son? And where have you been my darling young one? I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains. But this was the best one!"--Hard Bobby (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Not to be confused with six crooked highways or a dozen dead oceans. The key line in that song: "I'll know my song well before I start singing." This is more honored in the breach than the observance, of course.)

"I'm going to Sodom and Gomorrah, but what do I care? Ain't nobody there would want to marry my sister."--Zimmerman (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A nod to the 1983 Dylan classic "Jokerman." And let's not forget "false-hearted judges dying in the web's that they spin." ) 

"Looks like Heaven but relax and we will start from the beginning, just you and me".--Don Jr.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This sounds like it could have be written by Dylan. In fact his tiny little part in the "We Are The World" compilation ended with the line "It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me." So I can hear that distinctive "You and me.") 



Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every rainbow,
Analyze your dreams.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The last line is actually 'Till you find your dream." I remember it well. It is from a sappy song sung by the head nun in "The Sound of Music." If you're a 10-year old boy squirming in your theater seat when it was your sister's turn to pick the movie, this song seems to go on for an hour.)


Even though al robbed you of the gold last week, you may be overreacting by going all "Into the Wild"on us--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sound advice. Remember what happens to the kid in the movie. ) 


When he of the paired left thumbs
Meets him of the paired left halluces,
He will burst his eyes on a chaise of stone;
Two fleets one, then to die, a cruel death.--wgh
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this but it turns out its author is a wanna-be Anti-Capper who has a blog devoted to his efforts here [such as they are]. Many of the people who scheme against me think I'm paranoid so I'm a little reluctant to give him any added exposure. Still I don't see him as a threat--just yet.


"Hi! I'm Al 'The Judge'. Since nobody else showed up, I'm declaring you, Dr Sumguy with a backpack, the winner!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if. I grant you that if this was the only entry it would win. But it's wasn't so it doesn't. Nice try.) 

110 comments:

JohnnyB said...

Yes, I can tell you the pointillism of life.

JohnnyB said...

Hurry up, the game's about to start. Do you want a sandwich?

JohnnyB said...

Yes, son, this is the place where you guru up.

Anonymouse said...

"JohnnyB! You've finally come to your senses!!"

Kathy H said...

"That's right. I'm not only the Cartoon Editor, I'm the Great Enlightened One. How did you find me? Oh, yeah, the name on the shingle."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Parking problems? Don't worry. I validate!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"FedEx? Leave the 'Trapper Nelson' on the couch. I won't get up. I'm acrophobic!"

Damon said...

"Sorry dude, but the sofa's spoken for `cause someone offered more money. My Craigslist ad turned into an auction. Crazy, right?"

Anonymous said...

"Holy shit! Someone connected the dots."

Evil Mark said...

It's called a chaise, Dumbass!

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what an ascent!

Sure Pa! said...

"Ommmm. I see a highly-stressed, closeted homo. Ommm. I dub thee "Tense Ignore Gay". Ommm."

boneguy said...

For obvious reasons, I only take cash.

boneguy said...

Great timing man, the Octopus just cancelled.

wgh said...

"If you're looking for that missing hiker, I ate him days ago. Chaise?"

wgh said...

"Do I know Georges Seurat? I'm his
moronic half-brother!"

wgh said...

"Have a seat, dip shit!"

LR said...

"Don't worry if your arm gets stuck between the couch and the rock- we'll help you cut it off."

Tim H said...

"Screw all those end-of-season TV shows! I got my own cliffhanger!"

Anonymouse said...

"...so, this guy asks a Chicago bus driver, "Does this bus go to The Loop?' And the bus driver says, 'Nah. It just goes "beep-beep."'"

Kathy H said...

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

NJ-to-TX said...

(pushes sofa)

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

(grins contentedly)

LR said...

"Of all the ledges on all the mountains in all the world, you crawl onto mine. What'll ya have, sweetcheeks?"

Jess said...

"HI I'm Jerry, Jimi is a little further up, right next to Janis. Don't worry. Heaven is confusing the first few days."

boneguy said...

I'm here to remind you that whoever climbs this mountain is nuts.

Kathy H said...

"Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"From the looks of your shrunken head, I see you are already post shrink! Forget the chaise! How about a lap dance?"

Don Jr. said...

"Looks like Heaven but relax and we will start from the beginning, just you and me".

Damon said...

"Were you trying to get away from a New Yorker psychiatrist's couch cartoon? `Cause you can't."

Anonymous said...

"Hold on a sec...I'm between a rock and a hard-on."

boneguy said...

Welcome to the thousand small deaths zone.

boneguy said...

No I cannot unshrink your ballsack.

Jerry said...

"Fire! Fire on the mountain. I will get by. I will get by. I will get by. I will survive."

Anonymous said...

"Flannel Shirt Man, come out, come out, whatever your are."

Anonymous said...

Never forget the immortal words of Sigmund Freud, location, location, location.

Sure, Pa! said...

"Sure! Just lie face down on the couch. I'll show you some mountin'."

Dex said...

“Sometimes a teton is just a teton.”

Anonymous said...

"I'm omniscient and omnipotent, plus impotent which explains the first two."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Congradulations! You have just ascended the highest point in the Maldive Islands at 7'2"! You must be exhausted, ... Have a piece of fruit!"

Dex said...

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your climbing device is a crampon."

NAMBY said...

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you divulge your inner secrets."

Kathy H said...

"R.A.Dickey! I didn't expect to see you here!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Come! Sit! Let's talk about your mother, who's stuffed in your backpack!"

Mr. C said...

"You didn't actually think ascending a mountain was going to make you any less fucked-up, did you?!"

Anonymous said...

“Me? No, I’m just a social climber. Musta’ made a wrong turn somewhere. Now, lie down and tell me why I should bother with you.”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.”


---Jack Twist

Tim H said...

"I'm so happy that Mountain Climbing/Psychoanalysis is now an Olympic event!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hi! I'm Al 'The Judge'. Since nobody else showed up, I'm declaring you, Dr Sumguy with a backpack, the winner!"

smuck said...

"Welcome, Mr. Horn. Have a seat, and tell me what's the matter, Horn."

Anonymouse said...

"You must be my 10:15."

smuck said...

"My diagnosis: your feeling of blurriness is caused by bilinear interpolation during the scaling of a low-frequency image. I'll prescribe Zoloft, of course."

Shelly said...

"C'mon, take your piton out of this Teton and have a seat on my futon. BTW, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Walt said...

I gave up my practice in Vienna and moved to the Canadian Rockies. So now you can say, 'Thank God it's Freud, eh?"

boneguy said...

Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every rainbow,
Analyze your dreams.

boneguy said...

Jones, didn't we talk about undergoing recreational pursuits without adequate protection?

boneguy said...

Even though al robbed you of the gold last week, you may be overreacting by going all "Into the Wild"on us.

Anonymous said...

"Sure I can take a picture of you making a wish and throwing a coin of the bridge".

Rhymes with 'Fritz' said...

"Hello, al. Turn around and look at the twin peaks behind you. Tell me the first word that pops into your head."

Everest or Bust said...

"Welcome to Camp II. I'm Sherpa 'Tiredofthisshit'. I'm not taking another step. And, oh yeah, I used up all the supplemental oxygen, mother-fucker."

Anonymous said...

"Yes, it is I, Timothy Leary. Welcome to your acid trip. Lie down and I will reveal to you your innermost thoughts which hold the secrets of the universe. Let me start off by saying your firstborn isn't yours and your wife doesn't love you. Don't jump! It only gets better."

- This Isn't Funny, But So What?

Mile-High Club President (and member) said...

"Let us analyze why you're here. If you think it may have something to do with overcompensating for having a small penis, well . . . "

Jess said...

"You realize I charge on an ascending scale."

wgh said...

When he of the paired left thumbs
Meets him of the paired left halluces,
He will burst his eyes on a chaise of stone;
Two fleets one, then to die, a cruel death.

Anonymous said...

"Don't worry, we don't store any personal information in the cloud."

Earl O. Sandwich said...

"Would you have any Grey Poupon?"

Sasquatchgawea said...

"Sit down, dude! You won't believe the shit Bigfoot just told me."

Kathy H said...

"...and the beauty part is I offer Delta SkyMiles®."

Hard Bobby said...

"Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son? And where have you been my darling young one? I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains. But this was the best one!"

Zimmerman said...

"I'm going to Sodom and Gomorrah, but what do I care? Ain't nobody there would want to marry my sister."

Anonymous said...

I'm enjoying my retirement after my career diddling children at the Horace Mann School.
Best benefit package ever.

Anonymouse said...

"I am impressed! And without a lower torso!"

Tim H said...

"Well, I'll be! Apparently, America do got talent!"

Jess said...

"Tell me you brought toilet paper."

Anonymous said...

35 minutes. Looks like this pizza is on Dominos.

Anonymous Coward said...

"Sorry, I have a strict 'one insight per sandwich' policy?"

Kathy H said...

"Ya got any Ben-Gay®, maybe? My legs are killing me!"

Anonymous said...

"Objection! A LEDGED psychoguru!"

Anonymous said...

"Sure, it's all a little fuzzy now. Lie down and acclimate to the altitude and then everything will be crystal clear. Unless, of course, you're here for psychoanalysis . . . that will take at least ten sessions starting with a non-refundable deposit and a signed statement absolving me of any liability."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Don't be afraid. Good ideas are not easy to come by".

Anonymous said...

"Did you remember to bring the golf club"?

. said...

"You can really appreciate the game from up here... Especially when it's bobble head night and the Mets beat the Dodgers 3-2 on David Wright's solo home run."--al in la

Anonymous said...

No, it's okay. The cum should be all dry by now. Damn, you just gave me another hard-on."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And this time, don't forget the 'Snooki' video!"

Kathy H said...

Tom Cruise! What brings you here?"

Kathy H said...

...or...

"Tom Cruise! What brings you here?"

Anonymouse said...

"...and, oh, yeah, Tom, no jumping on the couch. OK?"

Anonymous said...

"Wellcome to Hell, we will go over your life all day, and every day".

Anonymous said...

"See, you live on forever, it is everybody else that is gone".

REX said...

"Sherpa? I don't even know her!"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Legerdemain, my good man."

Dex said...

"Sofa, so good"

Anonymous said...

"Grateful and dead. How about you?"


---Jerry

Steve_O said...

"Your wife just left. Here's the couch I fucked her on."

Anonymous said...

"Hey there Sugar Tits!"

Groan Man said...

"Him I'll lay, yes."

Steve_O said...

"And that, Mr. Hillary, is the couch I fucked your wife on."

Steve_O said...

"Oh, and a young sherpa too."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You're welcome to join me, as long as you shut the fucking door. And I'll kill you if you don't shut the fucking door."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Now this is what I call an individual man date."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Take off your hat and lie down. I'm ready to mount Baldy."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Nurse, get your pad. This boy's insane."

Ish Kabibble said...

"Here's the goddamned 102nd comment. Now, what do I win?!"

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.