Sunday, July 1, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #341




WINNERS


FIRST PLACE

"I am a turtle but the cartoonist is "God""--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent commentary on a lame cartoon. Much the way the real God created countless objects, places and people that defy explanation, the bozo who drew this cartoon simply sent a turtle air-born with some ducks. [Chico Marx might ask: "Why a duck? Why a-no chicken?"] The cartoon is your basic mail-in job  reinforcing the suspicion that the NYer's stable of cartoonist hate the cap contest. One of the reasons I dragged my feet doing this one was because I thought the cartoon was crappy--that and I was busy, traveling and unwilling to pay United Airlines $17 for a wi-fi hookup.)


SECOND PLACE
"I'm stoked. I just put a deposit on my dream car."--Anderson Pooper  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a slight variation on an entry I saw posted for another caption contest. [Not as cool as this one so don't bother looking.] It had two birds perched on a wire and one says to the other: "I feel great! I just put a deposit on a new car." It took me a second to get that one but because I did I got this one.)
THIRD PLACE
"Okay, now let's see you pull your head halfway to your ass."--Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is very cynical. It suggests that a turtle who somehow figured out how to fly would be a jerk about it. Another instance of  people assigning to animals petty behavior that is the sole domain of humans. Granted, the ability to instantaneously pull your head out of harm's way is a very useful skill.  ) 
HONORABLE MENTIONS
You mean to tell me that I'm the flock's only dues paying NRA member?--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Between the time this was posted and these results where finally hatched, some deranged piece of shit let loose a barrage of bullets in a packed movie theater. He had three guns and his ammo was delivered by FedX. Predictably, NRA-supporters cautioned against "politicizing the tragedy." This cap would work even better if it was an ostrich instead of a turtle.)
"Last year I ran with the bulls in Pamploma."--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Turtles don't really run, but they don't actually fly either. Remember, like many things in life,  flying is only dangerous if you don't know how to do it.)
As Senate Minority Leader, I should be in front of this gaggle of silly goose Republicans.--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Aside from being a lying hypocritical scum bag, Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell does indeed look like a turtle. Remember, it was McConnell who denounced Democrats in '06 for demanding that troops come home from Iraq. According to G. W. Bush's book "Decision Points," he was simultaneously cajoling the President to "bring some troops home" to score points for Republicans. An editorial in the Louisville Courier-Journal at the time demanded to know "why the fortunes of the Republican Party are of greater importance than the safety of the United States." When confronted with this question from his hometown paper, McConnell ate a fly and pulled his head into his shell.)
"Don't mind me; I'm just skydiving."--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  When you think about it, the animal best suited for skydiving would probably be the turtle. Maybe this captures the precise instance where he is passing a flock of birds during his decent.  Kind of explains this implausible image. Still, where's his chute?)
I've looked at geese from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's goose illusions I recall
I really don't know geese at all--Joni M.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Goose illusions" sounds like a brand of personal lubricant, but really, what's the point of this? The song bastardized here may have been penned by Joni, but Judy had the definitive version of this sad but brilliant song.)


"I'm new at this. Tell me when to crap." --Anonymouse  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds us that no car owner has ever complained about turtle shit.)

"You'd think O'Hare would be faster, but it's not."--O. Tortoise  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A complex pun with double-edged commentary. This will hit home with travelers familiar with Chicago's notoriously inefficient airport as well as toddlers familiar with a fable about a tortoise beating a hare in a foot race.)


"I'm the Allstate Turtle. We're the top-dog insurer around here, so kindly reverse direction, or you'll all be Af-lacking a pulse after my boys get their good hands on you."--



Damon  
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe this was entered my Matt Damon poking fun at his less talented buddy Ben Affleck, who hates it when people make the Aflac duck sound when they see him. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it, okay?)


"Helium suppositories."--Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Equal measures gross and imaginative. The A.P. reports that "army doctors in Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba use suppository  devices to administer sedatives to unruly prisoners." This is a clinical way of saying that if someone locked up in Gitmo gets really pissed off, they bend him over and ram something up his ass--and it's all legal, medically sound even. I for one would not find that calming.)



"Christ, what a tort-ass"--Dex   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is terrible but it made me think of  a Harry Chapin song that includes the lines: "His foot nudged the break to slow him down, but the petal floored easy with out a sound...He said "CHRIST!"...It was funny that he had named the only man who could save him now..."  RIP Harry.)



"Christ, what a fast fowl."--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse. Jim, stop going for low hanging fruit. How about an "Hours here are obscene" variation or something worthwhile for a change?)
No, Mr. Loon. I expect you to die.-- Zak S   (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Worst Bond riff ever.)


"I hear the Anti-Caption Judge can't update this contest while recuperating from an unfortunate amorous encounter with some type of bovid."--Impatient Observer  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Having recently visited Vermont, I can tell you there is no such thing as an "unfortunate amorous encounter with bovid." If you get my drift.)

"No, Al's not dead. He's just really important."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I'm neither. Still, reminds me of a line from the "Larry Sanders Show." When Larry tells his producer Artie to "be there or be square," the old man assures him, "I can do both!"  )

"Someone said it would take Al longer to judge this contest than it would take a turtle to fly. But what the fuck do they know?"--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please spare me the straw man argument or I will remind everyone that someone said Demon hasn't won this thing in a long, long time.) 

"Like I told the pig in the department store---alinla must have missed his flight."---blw  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I missed a bus to NYC and the train to Vermont was sold out, but my flights when smooth--thank you. I'll get to the pig soon enough.)
.---. _....._ 
/ p `\ .-""`: :`"-. 

|__ - | ,' . ' ', 
._> \ /: : ; :, 
'-. '\`. . : ' \ 
`. | .'._.' '._.' '._.'. | 
`;-\. : : ' '/,__, 
.-'`'._ ' . : _.'.__.' 
((((-'/ `";--..:..--;"` \ 
.' / \ \ 
((((-' ((((-'
Shit!  ---Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is either the most creative or the absolutely worst Anti-cap of all time. Still, I think I see breasts--either that or Homer Simpson, so I gave it minor props.  Never do anything like this again--okay?) 

134 comments:

boneguy said...

You mean to tell me that I'm the flock's only dues paying NRA member?

boneguy said...

I'm here because Stephen Jay Gould said we were related.

Shelly said...

"I'm offering you a charter membership in the Interspecies Mile-High Club."

Torty said...

"Don't call be a turtle, asshole."

Jess said...

"Although the Byrds where game, the effort to combine two major rock bands from the sixties failed to materialize when only one Turtle showed up."

Kathy H said...

"If you're ever in Turtle Bay, look me up."

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, it's a new Olympic event. I race a hare for a mile and then fly with you guys for ten."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm a 'Mock Turtle', that's why!"

Tim H said...

"Most of my portfolio is in Turtle Wax ® and Shell Oil ®."

Satireguy said...

"Trust me; that's the last time I'll book through Travelocity".

Satireguy said...

"Last year I ran with the bulls in Pamploma."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Hey, you guys ever listen to M.C. Escher?"

Anonymous said...

"I may be in serious trouble without my cola-powered jet boosters."

Anonymouse said...

"I'm new at this. Tell me when to crap."

Tim H said...

"Ever play Goose, Goose, Turtle?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm a Turtle Dove, assholes."

Jim Cavanaugh

Kathy H said...

"I just saw your Honk If You Love Jesus bumper sticker and thought I'd come along."

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Turtle Airways Ltd.', Fiji, beach to beach. Wanna see my (L-20A) Beaver?"

boneguy said...

I learned on a UH-1A "Huey" attack helicopter in 'Nam. Now I just do it for fun.

Don Jr. said...

"I was "flung" out of Townsville Australia...live military exercise".

O. Nash said...

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

Damon said...

"I'm the Allstate Turtle. We're the top-dog insurer around here, so kindly reverse direction, or you'll all be Af-lacking a pulse after my boys get their good hands on you."

Dex said...

"Christ, what a tort-ass"

boneguy said...

A six pack of M-80s tied to my belly. How about you?

Anonymous said...

"You won't be seeing Superman this trip . . . now he just flies business class."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.” ---Jack Twist

Anonymous said...

"I thought you meant draft beer."

JohnnyB said...

As Senate Minority Leader, I should be in front of this gaggle of silly goose Republicans.

JohnnyB said...

I'm Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!
Which is basically some bird's ass and a piece of Oklahoma down there that nobody cares about anyway.

JohnnyB said...

Yes, this disguise is stupid, but this way nobody is going to be going after my liver.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Gimme room ... I'm gonna do an 'Immelmann' followed by a 'Barrel Roll'!"

REX said...

(Matronly British voice over:) "And no matter how many times they would race, the hare would lose to the tortoise...and he never could understand why."

Kathy H said...

"So, tell me, can I get a bereavement discount?"

JohnnyB said...

Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your turtle neck is a dickie

Anonymous Coward said...

"I said 'QUACK' damn it!"

boneguy said...

What say we try the new US Airways ride that takes you right through the engine?

Anonymous said...

"Quit calling me shitface."

LR said...

"I am haunted by the feces of my wingmen."

Anonymous said...

"又はお子様に"?

smuck said...

Narrator: "Good evening and welcome to PBS. This is Alan Alda. These feathery geese are flying with an unusual friend over the largest dairy farm in Wisconsin. Once I parachute into it, the scene will be complete: it's turtles, Alda, whey, down."

boneguy said...

Real quick guys, I'm looking for a lead on where to score some hollow bones and adhesive feaaaaaaaath..........

Satireguy said...

"It's basically a mobile home."

Mickey Duck said...

So's I says to the toitle I'm flyin wit I says "what're we waitin' fer!"

Anonymous said...

"255 X-Block Slant H-Disco Alert 12 Trap!"

Dr. Sumguy said...

Honk if you love geeses. (Sorry Kathy H.)

Satireguy said...

"Don't mind me; I'm just skydiving."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Help me, please! I don't know how to land!!"

Anonymouse said...

"So, I was talkin' to Capt. Sully Sullenberger the other day and he told me to tell you to go fuck yourselves."

Satireguy said...

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

boneguy said...

This was Sergey Brin's idea.

Jess said...

"Look, I'm sick of all this quacking behind my back, I fly at a slow and steady pace, okay?"

Tim H said...

"Here's my pledge to you, my friend: I will stop flying the day pigs learn to fly. OK?"

Anonymous said...

"Christ, what a fast fowl."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"I got a race to run. Mind if we duck into O'hare?"

Dex said...

"If you're not the lead goose, the view never changes."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I call dibs on Tippi Hedren's eyes!"

Anonymous said...

What say we dive bomb the Facebook parking lot and get turtle shit all over the Turtle Wax.

Anonymous said...

“Believe me, this was not my first choice to get to the Olympics.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“University of Maryland. Class of ‘91. You?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Well, inter-species dating does have its advantages. I’ve never gotten anywhere this fast before.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“This is crazy. It just seemed to make a lot more sense on the ground.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Are you sure this is how to get to alinla? Is he expecting us? It’s not how I typically go there.”


---left coast wayne

JCBrooklyn said...

"I'm a ghost!"

Anonymous said...

"What's the matter, never seen a triphibian before?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Here's the 65th Goddamn comment. So what do I win!?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm stoked. I just put a deposit on my dream car."

Anderson Pooper

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pardon me. Do you have an extra 'Barf Bag'?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hi! My name is 'Blondie'! With your honk and my hiss, we can now go for the 'Full Douche'!"

Anonymous said...

“Southwest. Shells fly free.”


---left coast wayne

boneguy said...

Why so surprised? Even teenage ninja turtles grow up.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I was goose bumped from Flight 126! What about you?"

Tim H said...

"Hey, if anyone had told me beforehand that is trip was a two-weeker, I would've eaten more...y'know...turtle food!"

Anonymous said...

"This is definitely not the right direction to the New Yorker. I hope to god we're not flying to alinla."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Gamera (ガメラ)...Don't you understand my Japanese? I am looking for my arch nemeses...wait for it ... Godzilla (ゴジラ)"

Anonymous said...

"אני לא יכול להאמין אני זיון פליינג!"

Anonymous said...

.---. _....._
/ p `\ .-""`: :`"-.
|__ - | ,' . ' ',
._> \ /: : ; :,
'-. '\`. . : ' \
`. | .'._.' '._.' '._.'. |
`;-\. : : ' '/,__,
.-'`'._ ' . : _.'.__.'
((((-'/ `";--..:..--;"` \
.' / \ \
((((-' ((((-'

Shit!

Turdle said...

"Go to Hell. You're not the only ones who get to shit on people."

boneguy said...

Have you read "The Kite Runner"? Feakin' changed my life.

Dex said...

"Flyover state? In Soviet Russia, state flies over you!"

O. Tortoise said...

"You'd think O'Hare would be faster, but it's not."

Anakin Skywalker said...

"Duck, I am your father."

The Mock Turtle said...

"Duck! Incoming 747! Duck, I say!"

Taykittall Awf said...

"Which one of you ladies called for Squirtle?"

boneguy said...

You must be mistaken. I only come in hardtop.

Dr Sumguy said...

"It was a Virgin America Gift Certificate ... Call 1 877 359 8474 ... Say ELEVATE ... And Voila'!"

REX said...

IMDB ENTRY: Turtle, Cecil B. Although as an up-and-coming actor he was widely praised for his work with Bugs Bunny in the 1941 Looney Tunes classic, Tortoise Beats Hare, he would later draw criticism for accepting roles that where clearly beyond his range as an actor.

Steve_O said...

"Still think you're so fucking cool?"

Angus Podgorny said...

Bound to fall? You're kidding me, right?

Steve_O said...

"So I'll never amount to anything? My ex can suck my green airborn turtle dick!"

Anonymous said...

"We Mexicans are very persistent".

Anonymous said...

"If I just strapped the drugs to my back that would be too obvious".

Anonymouse said...

Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away
If you can use some exotic booze
There's a bar in far Bombay
Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away

Anonymous said...

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? ..."

Steve_O said...

"Helium suppositories."

boneguy said...

"If we score a direct hit on that ball bearing factory, it will bring the Fuhrer to his knees".

boneguy said...

Believe me when I tell you this Howard, George Lucas is still smarting from that fiasco.

Migrate Grandfather said...

"Shell I escort you south?"

Kathy H said...

"Which one of you guys is the sky marshal? I won't tell."

Tim H said...

"Some people call me Flo; other people call me Eddie."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Ever wonder what sounds a turtle makes during sex?"

Joni M. said...

I've looked at geese from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's goose illusions I recall
I really don't know geese at all

boneguy said...

If you insist on flying over Waziristan, I insist on full body armour.

Satireguy said...

"It's one of those fucking New Yorker double issues. Originally you guys were in the July 9th edition and I was scheduled for July 16th."

Steve_O said...

"Look, I promise we can overcome our differences. Unless you try to raise the children as Scientologists."

Anonymous said...

"Spock it's me Jim"..."I know' I know, that is all explained in the pre prequel".

Steve_O said...

"Witness protection program."

Anonymous said...

"Man!...I just had to get away from that whining pig."

Chuck said...

"No shit, I'm a turtle. Fuck Off!"

Anonymous said...

"I kicked that napping headed ho's ass, and now they want to test me for PEDs."

Impatient Observer said...

"I hear the Anti-Caption Judge can't update this contest while recuperating from an unfortunate amorous encounter with some type of bovid."

Kathy H said...

"Alls I'm saying is, watch out for those duckeasies."

Satireguy said...

"I'm a Canada turtle, that's why."

Zak S said...

No, Mr. Loon. I expect you to die!

Anonymous said...

I smoked PCP and shit is dope, nigga!

Unknown said...

"Thanks for the lift, guys. Could you drop me off at Aeschylus?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pardon! Could you check my shell for 'Klingon's?"

Jbergs said...

Now here's a race I can win!

Uncle Rifle said...

"Have you accepted our lord Jesus Christ as your saviour?"

Groucho said...

This way to the soup convention?

Steve_O said...

"Okay, now let's see you pull your head halfway to your ass."

Anonymous said...

"All I heard was, “Clay pigeons, live turtles, what’s the difference"?"

Anonymous said...

al's still upset over the disrespect we showed Bob Dillon.

Don Jr. said...

"I am a turtle but the cartoonist is "God"".

Anonymous said...

"Duh, winning!"

Tim H said...

"Not for nothing, but, did any of you guys file a flight plan?"

Anonymouse said...

"When the time comes to finally land, I suggest we try Penn State's Beaver Stadium. There'll be PLENTY of space to set down."

Anonymous said...

We ARE Penn State! Support our Nittany lyings!

Steve_O said...

"Did I ever tell you about the time I totally fucked with this rabbit?"

Anonymous said...

The turtle said: "Jigaboo jigaboo jigaboo jigaboo jigaboo!"

Anonymous said...

"No, Al's not dead. He's just really important."

Damon said...

"Someone said it would take Al longer to judge this contest than it would take a turtle to fly. But what the fuck do they know?"

Anonymous said...

"Like I told the pig in the department store---alinla must have missed his flight."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Hey, if you see a Roman chariot down there, let me know. I'd like to shit on it."


---Hannibal of Carthage

sohbet said...

very blog
sohbet odaları & sohbet & sohbet
chat sohbet & kelebek sohbet & kelebek chat
kelebek indir & mirc indir &kelebek sohbet
kelebek chat & sohbet odalari & sohbet
cinsel sohbet & cinsel chat &
urfa & urfa haber
sohbet & chat
kelebek sohbet & kelebek chat
chat yap
sohbet & chat & sohbet kanalları
sohbet kanalı & chat kanalı & sohbet
mynet sohbet & mynet & mirc indir
mirc & mirc indir

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.